How Friar John comforteth Panurge in the doubtful matter of cuckoldry  

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-{{Template}}+#redirect[[Gargantua_and_Pantagruel_%28full_text%2C_Urquhart_and_Motteux_translation%29#Chapter_3.XXVIII..E2.80.94How_Friar_John_comforteth_Panurge_in_the_doubtful_matter_of_cuckoldry.]]
-:Hereupon it fell out, after the expiring of a scantling of weeks, that Master Carvel became as jealous as a tiger, and entered into a very profound suspicion that his new-married [[gixy]] did keep a-buttock-stirring with others. - [[Rabelais]], ''[[Gargantua and Pantagruel]]'', [[How Friar John comforteth Panurge in the doubtful matter of cuckoldry]], tr. [[Urquhart]] +
- +
-I understand thee well enough, said Friar John; but time makes all things+
-plain. The most durable marble or porphyry is subject to old age and+
-decay. Though for the present thou possibly be not weary of the exercise,+
-yet is it like I will hear thee confess a few years hence that thy cods+
-hang dangling downwards for want of a better truss. I see thee waxing a+
-little hoar-headed already. Thy beard, by the distinction of grey, white,+
-tawny, and black, hath to my thinking the resemblance of a map of the+
-terrestrial globe or geographical chart. Look attentively upon and take+
-inspection of what I shall show unto thee. Behold there Asia. Here are+
-Tigris and Euphrates. Lo there Afric. Here is the mountain of the Moon,+
---yonder thou mayst perceive the fenny march of Nilus. On this side lieth+
-Europe. Dost thou not see the Abbey of Theleme? This little tuft, which+
-is altogether white, is the Hyperborean Hills. By the thirst of my+
-thropple, friend, when snow is on the mountains, I say the head and the+
-chin, there is not then any considerable heat to be expected in the valleys+
-and low countries of the codpiece. By the kibes of thy heels, quoth+
-Panurge, thou dost not understand the topics. When snow is on the tops of+
-the hills, lightning, thunder, tempest, whirlwinds, storms, hurricanes, and+
-all the devils of hell rage in the valleys. Wouldst thou see the+
-experience thereof, go to the territory of the Switzers and earnestly+
-perpend with thyself there the situation of the lake of Wunderberlich,+
-about four leagues distant from Berne, on the Syon-side of the land. Thou+
-twittest me with my grey hairs, yet considerest not how I am of the nature+
-of leeks, which with a white head carry a green, fresh, straight, and+
-vigorous tail. The truth is, nevertheless (why should I deny it), that I+
-now and then discern in myself some indicative signs of old age. Tell+
-this, I prithee, to nobody, but let it be kept very close and secret+
-betwixt us two; for I find the wine much sweeter now, more savoury to my+
-taste, and unto my palate of a better relish than formerly I was wont to+
-do; and withal, besides mine accustomed manner, I have a more dreadful+
-apprehension than I ever heretofore have had of lighting on bad wine. Note+
-and observe that this doth argue and portend I know not what of the west+
-and occident of my time, and signifieth that the south and meridian of mine+
-age is past. But what then, my gentle companion? That doth but betoken+
-that I will hereafter drink so much the more. That is not, the devil hale+
-it, the thing that I fear; nor is it there where my shoe pinches. The+
-thing that I doubt most, and have greatest reason to dread and suspect is,+
-that through some long absence of our King Pantagruel (to whom I must needs+
-bear company should he go to all the devils of Barathrum), my future wife+
-shall make me a cuckold. This is, in truth, the long and short on't. For+
-I am by all those whom I have spoke to menaced and threatened with a horned+
-fortune, and all of them affirm it is the lot to which from heaven I am+
-predestinated. Everyone, answered Friar John, that would be a cuckold is+
-not one. If it be thy fate to be hereafter of the number of that horned+
-cattle, then may I conclude with an Ergo, thy wife will be beautiful, and+
-Ergo, thou wilt be kindly used by her. Likewise with this Ergo, thou shalt+
-be blessed with the fruition of many friends and well-willers. And finally+
-with this other Ergo, thou shalt be saved and have a place in Paradise.+
-These are monachal topics and maxims of the cloister. Thou mayst take more+
-liberty to sin. Thou shalt be more at ease than ever. There will be never+
-the less left for thee, nothing diminished, but thy goods shall increase+
-notably. And if so be it was preordinated for thee, wouldst thou be so+
-impious as not to acquiesce in thy destiny? Speak, thou jaded cod.+
- +
-<poem>+
-Faded C. Louting C. Appellant C.+
-Mouldy C. Discouraged C. Swagging C.+
-Musty C. Surfeited C. Withered C.+
-Paltry C. Peevish C. Broken-reined C.+
-Senseless C. Translated C. Defective C.+
-Foundered C. Forlorn C. Crestfallen C.+
-Distempered C. Unsavoury C. Felled C.+
-Bewrayed C. Worm-eaten C. Fleeted C.+
-Inveigled C. Overtoiled C. Cloyed C.+
-Dangling C. Miserable C. Squeezed C.+
-Stupid C. Steeped C. Resty C.+
-Seedless C. Kneaded-with-cold- Pounded C.+
-Soaked C. water C. Loose C.+
-Coldish C. Hacked C. Fruitless C.+
-Pickled C. Flaggy C. Riven C.+
-Churned C. Scrubby C. Pursy C.+
-Filliped C. Drained C. Fusty C.+
-Singlefied C. Haled C. Jadish C.+
-Begrimed C. Lolling C. Fistulous C.+
-Wrinkled C. Drenched C. Languishing C.+
-Fainted C. Burst C. Maleficiated C.+
-Extenuated C. Stirred up C. Hectic C.+
-Grim C. Mitred C. Worn out C.+
-Wasted C. Peddlingly furnished Ill-favoured C.+
-Inflamed C. C. Duncified C.+
-Unhinged C. Rusty C. Macerated C.+
-Scurfy C. Exhausted C. Paralytic C.+
-Straddling C. Perplexed C. Degraded C.+
-Putrefied C. Unhelved C. Benumbed C.+
-Maimed C. Fizzled C. Bat-like C.+
-Overlechered C. Leprous C. Fart-shotten C.+
-Druggely C. Bruised C. Sunburnt C.+
-Mitified C. Spadonic C. Pacified C.+
-Goat-ridden C. Boughty C. Blunted C.+
-Weakened C. Mealy C. Rankling tasted C.+
-Ass-ridden C. Wrangling C. Rooted out C.+
-Puff-pasted C. Gangrened C. Costive C.+
-St. Anthonified C. Crust-risen C. Hailed on C.+
-Untriped C. Ragged C. Cuffed C.+
-Blasted C. Quelled C. Buffeted C.+
-Cut off C. Braggadocio C. Whirreted C.+
-Beveraged C. Beggarly C. Robbed C.+
-Scarified C. Trepanned C. Neglected C.+
-Dashed C. Bedusked C. Lame C.+
-Slashed C. Emasculated C. Confused C.+
-Enfeebled C. Corked C. Unsavoury C.+
-Whore-hunting C. Transparent C. Overthrown C.+
-Deteriorated C. Vile C. Boulted C.+
-Chill C. Antedated C. Trod under C.+
-Scrupulous C. Chopped C. Desolate C.+
-Crazed C. Pinked C. Declining C.+
-Tasteless C. Cup-glassified C. Stinking C.+
-Sorrowful C. Harsh C. Crooked C.+
-Murdered C. Beaten C. Brabbling C.+
-Matachin-like C. Barred C. Rotten C.+
-Besotted C. Abandoned C. Anxious C.+
-Customerless C. Confounded C. Clouted C.+
-Minced C. Loutish C. Tired C.+
-Exulcerated C. Borne down C. Proud C.+
-Patched C. Sparred C. Fractured C.+
-Stupified C. Abashed C. Melancholy C.+
-Annihilated C. Unseasonable C. Coxcombly C.+
-Spent C. Oppressed C. Base C.+
-Foiled C. Grated C. Bleaked C.+
-Anguished C. Falling away C. Detested C.+
-Disfigured C. Smallcut C. Diaphanous C.+
-Disabled C. Disordered C. Unworthy C.+
-Forceless C. Latticed C. Checked C.+
-Censured C. Ruined C. Mangled C.+
-Cut C. Exasperated C. Turned over C.+
-Rifled C. Rejected C. Harried C.+
-Undone C. Belammed C. Flawed C.+
-Corrected C. Fabricitant C. Froward C.+
-Slit C. Perused C. Ugly C.+
-Skittish C. Emasculated C. Drawn C.+
-Spongy C. Roughly handled C. Riven C.+
-Botched C. Examined C. Distasteful C.+
-Dejected C. Cracked C. Hanging C.+
-Jagged C. Wayward C. Broken C.+
-Pining C. Haggled C. Limber C.+
-Deformed C. Gleaning C. Effeminate C.+
-Mischieved C. Ill-favoured C. Kindled C.+
-Cobbled C. Pulled C. Evacuated C.+
-Embased C. Drooping C. Grieved C.+
-Ransacked C. Faint C. Carking C.+
-Despised C. Parched C. Disorderly C.+
-Mangy C. Paltry C. Empty C.+
-Abased C. Cankered C. Disquieted C.+
-Supine C. Void C. Besysted C.+
-Mended C. Vexed C. Confounded C.+
-Dismayed C. Bestunk C. Hooked C.+
-Divorous C. Winnowed C. Unlucky C.+
-Wearied C. Decayed C. Sterile C.+
-Sad C. Disastrous C. Beshitten C.+
-Cross C. Unhandsome C. Appeased C.+
-Vain-glorious C. Stummed C. Caitiff C.+
-Poor C. Barren C. Woeful C.+
-Brown C. Wretched C. Unseemly C.+
-Shrunken C. Feeble C. Heavy C.+
-Abhorred C. Cast down C. Weak C.+
-Troubled C. Stopped C. Prostrated C.+
-Scornful C. Kept under C. Uncomely C.+
-Dishonest C. Stubborn C. Naughty C.+
-Reproved C. Ground C. Laid flat C.+
-Cocketed C. Retchless C. Suffocated C.+
-Filthy C. Weather-beaten C. Held down C.+
-Shred C. Flayed C. Barked C.+
-Chawned C. Bald C. Hairless C.+
-Short-winded C. Tossed C. Flamping C.+
-Branchless C. Flapping C. Hooded C.+
-Chapped C. Cleft C. Wormy C.+
-Failing C. Meagre C. Besysted (In his anxiety to swell+
-his catalogue as much as possible, Sir Thomas Urquhart has set down this+
-word twice.) C.+
-Deficient C. Dumpified C. Faulty C.+
-Lean C. Suppressed C. Bemealed C.+
-Consumed C. Hagged C. Mortified C.+
-Used C. Jawped C. Scurvy C.+
-Puzzled C. Havocked C. Bescabbed C.+
-Allayed C. Astonished C. Torn C.+
-Spoiled C. Dulled C. Subdued C.+
-Clagged C. Slow C. Sneaking C.+
-Palsy-stricken C. Plucked up C. Bare C.+
-Amazed C. Constipated C. Swart C.+
-Bedunsed C. Blown C. Smutched C.+
-Extirpated C. Blockified C. Raised up C.+
-Banged C. Pommelled C. Chopped C.+
-Stripped C. All-to-bemauled C. Flirted C.+
-Hoary C. Fallen away C. Blained C.+
-Blotted C. Stale C. Rensy C.+
-Sunk in C. Corrupted C. Frowning C.+
-Ghastly C. Beflowered C. Limping C.+
-Unpointed C. Amated C. Ravelled C.+
-Beblistered C. Blackish C. Rammish C.+
-Wizened C. Underlaid C. Gaunt C.+
-Beggar-plated C. Loathing C. Beskimmered C.+
-Douf C. Ill-filled C. Scraggy C.+
-Clarty C. Bobbed C. Lank C.+
-Lumpish C. Mated C. Swashering C.+
-Abject C. Tawny C. Moiling C.+
-Side C. Whealed C. Swinking C.+
-Choked up C. Besmeared C. Harried C.+
-Backward C. Hollow C. Tugged C.+
-Prolix C. Pantless C. Towed C.+
-Spotted C. Guizened C. Misused C.+
-Crumpled C. Demiss C. Adamitical C.+
-Frumpled C. Refractory C.+
-</poem>+
- +
-Ballockatso to the devil, my dear friend Panurge, seeing it is so decreed+
-by the gods, wouldst thou invert the course of the planets, and make them+
-retrograde? Wouldst thou disorder all the celestial spheres, blame the+
-intelligences, blunt the spindles, joint the wherves, slander the spinning+
-quills, reproach the bobbins, revile the clew-bottoms, and finally ravel+
-and untwist all the threads of both the warp and the waft of the weird+
-Sister-Parcae? What a pox to thy bones dost thou mean, stony cod? Thou+
-wouldst if thou couldst, a great deal worse than the giants of old intended+
-to have done. Come hither, billicullion. Whether wouldst thou be jealous+
-without cause, or be a cuckold and know nothing of it? Neither the one nor+
-the other, quoth Panurge, would I choose to be. But if I get an inkling of+
-the matter, I will provide well enough, or there shall not be one stick of+
-wood within five hundred leagues about me whereof to make a cudgel. In+
-good faith, Friar John, I speak now seriously unto thee, I think it will be+
-my best not to marry. Hearken to what the bells do tell me, now that we+
-are nearer to them! Do not marry, marry not, not, not, not, not; marry,+
-marry not, not, not, not, not. If thou marry, thou wilt miscarry, carry,+
-carry; thou'lt repent it, resent it, sent it! If thou marry, thou a+
-cuckold, a cou-cou-cuckoo, cou-cou-cuckold thou shalt be. By the worthy+
-wrath of God, I begin to be angry. This campanilian oracle fretteth me to+
-the guts,--a March hare was never in such a chafe as I am. O how I am+
-vexed! You monks and friars of the cowl-pated and hood-polled fraternity,+
-have you no remedy nor salve against this malady of graffing horns in+
-heads? Hath nature so abandoned humankind, and of her help left us so+
-destitute, that married men cannot know how to sail through the seas of+
-this mortal life and be safe from the whirlpools, quicksands, rocks, and+
-banks that lie alongst the coast of Cornwall.+
- +
-I will, said Friar John, show thee a way and teach thee an expedient by+
-means whereof thy wife shall never make thee a cuckold without thy+
-knowledge and thine own consent. Do me the favour, I pray thee, quoth+
-Panurge, my pretty, soft, downy cod; now tell it, billy, tell it, I beseech+
-thee. Take, quoth Friar John, Hans Carvel's ring upon thy finger, who was+
-the King of Melinda's chief jeweller. Besides that this Hans Carvel had+
-the reputation of being very skilful and expert in the lapidary's+
-profession, he was a studious, learned, and ingenious man, a scientific+
-person, full of knowledge, a great philosopher, of a sound judgment, of a+
-prime wit, good sense, clear spirited, an honest creature, courteous,+
-charitable, a giver of alms, and of a jovial humour, a boon companion, and+
-a merry blade, if ever there was any in the world. He was somewhat+
-gorbellied, had a little shake in his head, and was in effect unwieldy of+
-his body. In his old age he took to wife the Bailiff of Concordat's+
-daughter, young, fair, jolly, gallant, spruce, frisk, brisk, neat, feat,+
-smirk, smug, compt, quaint, gay, fine, tricksy, trim, decent, proper,+
-graceful, handsome, beautiful, comely, and kind--a little too much--to her+
-neighbours and acquaintance.+
- +
-Hereupon it fell out, after the expiring of a scantling of weeks, that+
-Master Carvel became as jealous as a tiger, and entered into a very+
-profound suspicion that his new-married gixy did keep a-buttock-stirring+
-with others. To prevent which inconveniency he did tell her many tragical+
-stories of the total ruin of several kingdoms by adultery; did read unto+
-her the legend of chaste wives; then made some lectures to her in the+
-praise of the choice virtue of pudicity, and did present her with a book in+
-commendation of conjugal fidelity; wherein the wickedness of all licentious+
-women was odiously detested; and withal he gave her a chain enriched with+
-pure oriental sapphires. Notwithstanding all this, he found her always+
-more and more inclined to the reception of her neighbour copes-mates, that+
-day by day his jealousy increased. In sequel whereof, one night as he was+
-lying by her, whilst in his sleep the rambling fancies of the lecherous+
-deportments of his wife did take up the cellules of his brain, he dreamt+
-that he encountered with the devil, to whom he had discovered to the full+
-the buzzing of his head and suspicion that his wife did tread her shoe+
-awry. The devil, he thought, in this perplexity did for his comfort give+
-him a ring, and therewithal did kindly put it on his middle finger, saying,+
-Hans Carvel, I give thee this ring,--whilst thou carriest it upon that+
-finger, thy wife shall never carnally be known by any other than thyself+
-without thy special knowledge and consent. Gramercy, quoth Hans Carvel, my+
-lord devil, I renounce Mahomet if ever it shall come off my finger. The+
-devil vanished, as is his custom; and then Hans Carvel, full of joy+
-awaking, found that his middle finger was as far as it could reach within+
-the what-do-by-call-it of his wife. I did forget to tell thee how his+
-wife, as soon as she had felt the finger there, said, in recoiling her+
-buttocks, Off, yes, nay, tut, pish, tush, ay, lord, that is not the thing+
-which should be put up in that place. With this Hans Carvel thought that+
-some pilfering fellow was about to take the ring from him. Is not this an+
-infallible and sovereign antidote? Therefore, if thou wilt believe me, in+
-imitation of this example never fail to have continually the ring of thy+
-wife's commodity upon thy finger. When that was said, their discourse and+
-their way ended.+
- +
-{{GFDL}}+

Current revision

  1. redirectGargantua_and_Pantagruel_(full_text,_Urquhart_and_Motteux_translation)#Chapter_3.XXVIII..E2.80.94How_Friar_John_comforteth_Panurge_in_the_doubtful_matter_of_cuckoldry.
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