Erotopolis: The Present State of Bettyland  

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Erotopolis: The Present State of Bettyland (1684) is a novel by Charles Cotton which describes geographically the female body as an island farmed by men.

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Full text[1]

Title Page

THE


POTENT ALLY


O R,


Succours from Merryland.


Price IS. 6d,




m^i^mmm


% vV* «^-*«X» -XrOC- 5i^Vn» :)w»<X'! « 




ADVERriSEMENT.

IT is thought proper to acquaint the Public, th^^^ from their kind Reception, a Fifth Edition is juft printed of the New Defcription ^/Merryland.

This Potcjit Ally will, we hope, be as candidly received \ fince, all that is expedled from our Alli- ance is to chufe Members fufEciently qualified to do Service in that Country.

T\\t Defcription c/ Bettyland, hereunto fub- joined, was fb named in Honour of Q^Elizabethy and Written by that great Mafter of Humour, Charles Cot-ton, Efqj Author of Firgii and Lucian T'ravefie^ in the Year 1683.

The Allegory of this Piece is differently purfued, without the lead Analogy to that of Merrylandj and what we here prefent is wholly Celeftial^ and my- thological! y applied to the Heathen Deities. The Terreftrial Amours, which conclude this Work, will fhortly fellow, ir this meets with a Reception fuitable to its Dcfcrc.


"ictus Mini


diis agit Fii^Jlriojieni


Front matter

THE POTENT ALLY:

O R,

Succours from Merryland.

WITH

THREE ESSAYS in Praise of the Cloathing of That Country j

AND TH^

Story of Pandora's Box.

. — Cunnus teterrima Belli

Cm/a. ■ HoR,

To which is added,

E p Q T o' n o A I 2.

THE

Prefent State of Bettyland,

LuciNA, ufeful Goddefs, lend thine Aid, , y

Thine is the Warehoule of the World's chief Trade, > On thy foft Surface all Mankind were made. 3

FiSHBOURNE.

THE SECOND EDITION.



//r/.y^;//.


PARIS, Printed by Diredion of the Author, and fold by -tlie^ Bookfeilers of London and ^sjlminfter. 1741.


fr \ '^ '

Dedication

TO THE

Right Honourable

Humphry Parfom, Efq;

(A fecond Time defer vedly)

Lord-Mayor di^ondon.


My Lord,

IT has been aComplaint fromallPar- ties, that we have Negotiatedom^ felves into fuch a Condition, as to be qi;iite deftitute of AL LIES: Thk Opinion muft be owing either to want

of Conlxderation or to Malice; and it B is


I


D E D I C A r I N.

is my Defign^ in thi^ Addrefs^ to your Lorclfhip/ to prove we have ftill a very natural and flofe Alliance with a jlrong an d Potent-Country ; a Cl^/j^- /ry always ready to embrace us^ and which will never refufe to unite with us^ while we acl with Vigour^ and behave as B.nglip:)men fhould do.

It is furprifing that none of our Po- litical Writers^ when they fpeak of our Confederates^ have ever thought of this more natrn'-al and Jure Ah L Yj but have overlooked it, as if it were infig- nificant^ or of no Confequence.

To undeceive the Ignorant, there is lately compofed a rnoft elaborate De-

fcription


■^.-■Hj


D E D 1 GAT I N.

fcription of that Country^ * upon the Strength of whofe Intereft we may fully depend ; and whofoever reads it with Attention^ muftadmit^ thatluch ah Alliance would be more valuable^ and naturally of longer Duration^ than any can be expected from our Neigh- bours on the Continent*

It is a Country famous for its Love of Liberty^ and the Struggles it has undergone in preferving it : So fuccef- ful has it been^ that tht greate/i Ty- rant was never able to fubdue it^ nor the greateji Corrupter to dejlroy it ; even Machiavel himfelf^ were he now living/with all his mofl artful Adhe-

  • See the Dercripuono^ MERRYLAND.

B 2 rent.%


iHii


D E D I CAT I N.

rentSj and Infirumenta Regniy to afTifl him.

It mufi be confcfTed however^ that Corruption has crept into fome Bo- roughs^ but thefe are generally of the poorer Softj and even then^ the bane- ful Inftuence of it fpreads fo fafl^ that every Inhabitant has taken the utmoft Pains to root it out ; and the Corrup- tors themfelves^ however anxious to conceal their Wickednefs^ have made fome Atonement, by their Readinefs to wipe off the Stains^ and rejecting the means of fpreading the Infeftion. Thus the Conjiitution of the Country has efcapedj tho' fome Corporations have not been able to recover Their's.

Members


D E D I CAT t N.

Members in this Country fupport Themfehesfix are paid by the Boroughs who Chufe them, which h one of the beft Means to prevent them from being Corrupted.

Places come from the fame Quarter, afid thereby give the greater Encou- ragement to Merit j and the QUEEN herfelf has hut ONE to difpofe of, and That is never given but to a profejfed Lover of the Country. The only way a Mini/ler has to gain Power here, is to engrofs as many Boroughs as he pof- fibly can ; but fuch is the Native Vi- gour, fuch the Spirit of Liberty, that no Man hitherto has ventured to ftand up for Abfolute Power, or Sole Domi- nion : AllPerfons who have ever been in the Adminillration, have found it

moft


D E D I CAT 10 N.

mofl for their Intereft^ to be Upright^ Stedfajl^ and Uncorrupted. Happy had it been for Britain^ if its Minijiers thought their Intereft the Same^ and the People as Cautious againft Corrupt- ion as they are in MERRTLAND.

This Country^ My Lord^ is per- fe£lly well known to your Lordfhip; as you annually pay a Vifit to our Neighbours the French (who have many Territories therein^ more par- ticularly that remarkable Diftri£l whofe Traffic they are fo fond of^ called MERLETONIA.

As the Clothing Trade is the great- eft Part of its Commerce^ your LordQiip will find the Inventor^s Elo-

gium


DEDICATION.

gium defervedly celebrated in the firfl Piece hereunto annexed^ and I hope all the reft will afford yourLord- fhip an agreeableEntertainment^which, without any mercenary View^ is the fole

Intention of

f Tour LiOrdJhifs

Moji Obedient^ and moji devoted ^1^41/ ^ "^' Humble Servant,

PHILO-BRITANNIiE.






tA


"fi


i 9 )


K t N A I,MaP=«r E N I A- T A L fe.

FOR Arms to fhield the Phrygian Knight^ In warm Encounters, vent'rous JFigh Her Cuckold, Fenus cokx*d ohe t)ay. The Gipfey has a winning Way, She prefs'd, he melted, fhe was bleft 5

Who would not melt when p^enus preft? The blended Ore now thrice had boil'd. The Cavern fmoak'd, the Cyclops toil'd 5 Work of a God ! the Arms appear. Arms ! might befeem a God to wear^ But which provided Mettle fheen, The Lemnian King, of Paphian Queen,

C Is


( 10)

is ftill in doubt 1 >

Though if we ftatc the Matter fair, TJie Wife had fure the mod to fpare ; And could you think it better done. To make, than to preferve a Son-?

But waving this the Arms were wrought.

And to the Trojan Heroe brought. With Joy, he took the wond'rous Boon, Made a rough Scrape, and put 'em on ; For Soldiers then (unlike thefe now) Knew better how to Fight, than Bow.

Thus far, all Matters went to pleafe ye, f^erms was merry ; Vulcan eafy j For he, unlefs infpir'd by Drinking, Was not addicted much to Thinking ^ But foon a folemn Feaft enfu'd. For which, much Nedar had been brew'd :


Jove's


m


\


( II )

Jove's Wedding-day (O Day of Thrall ! ) And now the Gods were fummon'd all To meet, and tipple in his Hall. Old Fulcan came among the reft. To raife the Mirth, improve the Jeft ^ Too weak his Brains were for a Drinker, I'ove, therefore, wifely made him Skinker, ♦Vith Hand unfteady, Feet unfound. And aukard Gait, he limp'd around.

  • Twas Dian sTum (a prudifli Lafs,

Who, fpite of Thirft, would baulk her Glafs.) You Prudes (quoth Fulcan half in Jeft)

Refufe a good I'/j'wg, tho' home-preft

Endymion once— come, make no Rout, But take your Cup, or all Ihall out.

Here (whether thro' EfFed of Guilt,

Or his rude Pufh) the Wine was fpilt :

Her mantling Blood foon fpoke her Ire,

iler glowing Cheeki •, Eyes darting Fire >

C 2 For


( 12 )

For why ? By double Motion pain'd, Her Rep, and Petticoat were ftain'd.

Hence ! hammer Arms (cry'd fhe, thou Daftar^) For thy lewd Wife's vile Trojan Baftard « —

I own indeed — -fo never fret- -.

'Tis Juflice to repay a Debt ^ And fure enough God Mars^ and fhe. Long fince, a Head-Piece made for Jhee \ He fcold'd, She pouted, Vems maunder'd. And all protefted they were (lander'd. The Bowl was out, the Gods arife, 'Tis faid, more merry too than wife , And each, Salutes and Congees ended, With Steps unfteady, homeward tended \ The moody Vulcan and his Bride Together pace'd it Side by Side > In Silence fad their Pace they fteer, (i^^ dumb thro' Rage, ^he aw'd by Fear)

To


To Lemnps'lflQ (a rmoaky. Place,

Pire Enemy to beauteoqs Face)

Arrived ! his Anger long ypent.

Now laboring upwards, gain'd a Ventiu- >■■,>>

Muft I for Brats !— but Talk is vain ^

Loofe, Madam, yonder (lands your Chain.

From Marriage- Vows fo oft to trip

JHere ! Polyphemus ! bring the Whip.—


But, flop, my Mufe, nor be it name'd. How Fenus^ Body was profane'd 5 Thofe who would more, let them inquire Of that bafe Tribe, devoid of Fire^ Who think to court their Goddefs Grace, By Imitation of her Cafe ^ Wretches, with PafTions grofs, and dull, By Jilts and Bawds term'd Flogging-CulL Suffice it, each their Weapon us'd. She was well beaten, He abus'd :


But


But from that Day, with Iron fated^ Its very Name's by Fenus hated. Her Warriour's Valour, you may note^ Lies feldom deeper than the Coat j Captains of Blood, who fcorn the Guilt, Nor e'er faw more of Sword than Hilt 5 For thefe her Sons, without the Aid Of Spoufe, new Armour ihe has made f Hence the old Churl's rejedled Ware, His Brafs, and Steel, are banifh'd far 5 Their Coat of Mail, the Gift of Lovc^ Is foft, and pliant as a Glove % The interceptive Shield they bear, Fit only too for Love to we,ar : On this, no Images are place'd. Of Ages prefent, Ages paft 1 The fVolf-mirfi'^winSy the Rife of Rome, The ravifh'd Sabincs^ Metim^ Doom,


Were


(15)

Were cauteloufly banifti'd hence. Left the rough Surface damp the Senfe: Its Colour, as you here may vieW;, A dirty Tellow^ bound with Blue j Of Parent wave, from whence it came. Still mindful, the Idalian Dame, Ordains it fhall all Sizes fit. Provided, that it firft be wet ; And, when put off to End of Time, Should fmell of Fijh^ and feel of SUmc.

Safely the well-cas^d fVarriour goes. Thro* Squadrons of the Goddefs, Foes, ThQ Buboe, Cordee^ znd PbymoJiSy The Shanker^ Ficus, Exojlocis ^ (With all the numerous Store of Ills, St. Thomas cures, and Drury feels) Nor need when each, or all appear, Give back, or feem appall'd with Fear,


Thcfc


I


( ,6)

It'hefe Arms, preventive, render yflfini ; ApollOi and his idle Train;' By thefe defended, he lays by^ Now ufelefs growji^ each old Ally : Lint^ Syringe^ Gaily- Pot^ and Phial ^ And, Sef-Prote^lve^ ikmds the Trial


V


4


.-lO



THE STORY OF PANDORA,

Tranflated from the Latin Origtnal of

Claudius Quilletus^

'" BY

Nicholas Rowe, Efqj


w


HEN firftthis Infant- World it^Form^ ,


put on.


When Time and beauteous Order firft begun, . >

And rich with native Grace, the New Creation j!

i&bnc, J

No wicked Iron A^e, as yet, controul'd

The Luftreof the pure Primasva! Gold j

Around Heaven's azure Arch ferenely bright,

tJi^ullied (hone the fparkling Gems of Light j

0' N©^


mm


( i8 )

No Fogs did then, no lazy Vapours rife. Nor with their dull Pollution (lain the Skies 5 Thro' Heaven's wide Plains the glorious God of

Day, Prince of the Stars, unclouded held his Way ; While in her turn the Silver Queen of Night SuccefTive roll'd her limped Orb of Light ; The Mother Earth, adorn'd by what fhebred, With Rocks, Hills, Trees, with Fruits and

Flowers was fpread, I

And every living thing on her green Bofom fed 5 J The well digefted Mafs, untainted yet. Did no rank Steams nor pois'nous Damps emit, But healthy Spirits, breathing from the Geqund, DifFus'd their wholfome Fragrancies around : 'Twas then, in thofe good Times for ever bleft. That happy Man his Innocence poiTefs'd ,


When



( 19)

When yet he had not learn'd, in Reafon's Spight,' Pcrverfc to turn, and wander from the Right, Forfaking Heaven's reveal'd (and Nature's inborn) I Light; J

Then holy Arts and Prieftcrafts were not known, Religion then wasfimple, plain and one ; Lull had not kindled then her guilty Flame, Ambition had not cheated Fools with Fame, Nor vex'd theWorld with Honour's angryName*, Nor was the Form of Man beneath his Soul, But equal, proper Beauties grace'd the Whole > Then Temperance juft Goddefs did prevail^ And rightly held creating Nature's Scale, DifposM*^ fev'ral Parts with prudent Care, And form'd with niceft Symmetry the Fair j Then was the Reign -of Beauty in Mankind, Then univerfal Emprefs, well Ihe join'd The faultlefs Body and the blarr^lefs Mind.^

D 2


/


(20)

Soon as great Joije^ from high Olympus 'j^toWy •Beheld the facred Harmony below. Add we one Mafler-piece of Art he faid, Earth, Heaven, and all ye Gods afford your

Aid, Your each Perfedion join, and form one lovely

Maid. He fpoke, and ftrait obedient to his Word, Each willing Species to the Work concurr'd. -The chryftal Orbs oi jEther firft prepare The Limbs and Subftance, for the future Fair While the Sun curPd his Beams and hung 'em for.]

her Hair ; J

Her Front like Marble fmooth, like Lillies white.

Fair Cynthia lufter'd o'er with Silver Light ',

Upon her Cheeks Aurom Rofes fpread.

And dy'd 'cm in the Morning's brightcft Red j

Venus the fweetly charming Smile imprefi:.

And her foft Lips with balmy Pleafures bleft ;

While


,J


( 2V)

•While Love the God himfelf o'er all the Mafs, Dancing delightful iliew'd his heavenly Face, Led on the laughing Joys, and every Sifter Grace. Thus form'd, thus finifh'd out the beauteous Whole, Creating J^ij^ infus'd the living Soul ; And fince from every God the Graces came. He bad Pandora be the fair one's Name, f Then bending kindly down his gracious Look, Thus to the new-rna.de Nymph th^ Almighty Father fpoke.

Daughter of Gods defccnd, thou Work divine, Vouchfafe on Earth, celeftial Fair, to fliinc, Diffufe the Bleflings of thy radiant Face, And chear the Liabpurs of the mortal Race : For thus the Gods, thus Joves high Will ordains, While Man his native Innocence retains.


t See the Frontifplece to the Ne\7 Defer ip.tlon of Mer-

RYLAND,

Be


>



(22 )

Be thou his Blifs, his great Reward be thou, "] Thy full Pcrfedion, Heaven's fair Pattern fhow, And teach him by thyfelf thy native Skies to

know. J

But oh ! if Pity touch thy tender Breaft, If for Mankind thy Care wou'd be exprefs'd. Keep clofe this fatal Cafket I beftow. Nor feek the Secrets lodg'd within to know : If thy frail Hand, too curious, fhou'd incline To pry, and difobey the Will divine, Straightforth ten thoufand winged Plagues Ihall fly, And fcatter fwift Contagion thro' the Sky •, Ties too, thou faireft, fhall the. Ruin feize. Pain ihalt thou feel, and languifh with Difeafe ,

teforaiity thy lovely Looks Ihall blaft. And foul Pollution lay thy Beauties waile.


He faid,^and downward fwift (he bent her flight,

To ipread around oji Earth, the Beams of Beauty*^

Light.

Ncr


1


(23 )

Nol^did fhe there with Ep'metheus dwell, Shut up and cloifter*d in a loneJy Cell, As old Greek Tales of dreaming Hefiod tell: But bounteous of Delight and unconfin'd, She made the Blefling common to Mankind, Defign'd a publick Good (till palTing on. On undiftinguifh'd Crowds alike Ihe fhone.


The ftupid Herd with pleafing Dread amaz'd, Dumb with Attention, flood, and gladfome gaz'd. Some ravifh'd with her Mien fo graceful were, "* Some with the Ringlets of her amber Hair, Some with her Iv'ry Front, and Face fo heav'nly

fair.

From her each Part ambroGal Odours flow'd, ^i

And breath'd a balmy Blefling on the Crowd, ^'

While her bright Eyes (which fcarce the Mufe had

told, Unlefs by facrcd Infpiration bold)

With


(24)

With Light effulgent, darted forth a Ray, That ehear'd Mankind, and made the World look Gay-

So when Aurora^ in the rofy Eafty Lifts her fair Head, with radiant Honours dreft. O'er Nature's Face a various Smile flie fpreads. And paints a-new the Fields and flowery Meads, Ten-thoufand-colour'd Dyes her Beams unfold. The limpid Stream in filver Waves is roU'd, And all the Green-wood-fhade is burnifh'd o*er with Gold.


Such Beauty was, in our firft Father's Time, While yet the youthful World was in its Prime ; The mingling Graces of the Sexes met, And full Perfedion made the Form compleat 5 While Man yet free from Avarice, or Pride, The Ways of W ickednefs had never try'd. Nor warping from the Right, perverfly turn'd afide.

But


1


(25)

But when pernicious Change invading fpread, ") And Error blind miftaking Reafon led, N

The fwift Contagion reach'd the lovely Maid. N Pandora tainted by an impious Age, Purfu'd each fond Defire, and each fantallic Rage : Curious to know, the Box difturb'd her Reft, Jove^s hard Commands fet heavy on her Breaft And Woman, Woman the frail Nymph confeft. Refolv'd at length, whatever Joi?^ forbid, She eas'd her longing Mind, and broke the Lid : When fteaming, ftrait, a deadly Vapour rofe, Long Trains of waiting Plagues it did difclofe Difeafes, Miferies, and mortal Woes. Firft the fell Poifon feiz'd the curious Maid, Firft on her Youth, her blooming Rofes prey'd •, Her Eyes no more their ftarry Fires could boaft, But dim and dull in cloudy Mifts were loft ; No Part was left untainted in the whole, But all that once was fair, was loathfome now and

foul

E Nor


'\


(26)

Nor ftop'd the Ruin with the wretched Maid, But growing dill, around diffufive ftray'd ; Error, Difeafe and Death, like Vidlors dread. Wide wafting, o'er the World, their Legions

fpread, And vanquilh'd Minds and Bodies captive led. Hid in deep Shades benighted Reafon lay. Shut from the Beams of Truth's ethereal Day. From that fad Mr a Ignorance begun, Thence a dull Train of doubting Ages run, And Beauty's facred Form remains unknown.



H R A C E's Integer Vit^, &c.

Imitated and Applied to the

RAKES of z)i?^i?r

ToRicHARD Thornhill^ Efq; By Mr. ROfFE.

I.

TH E Man, Dear Friend, who wears a C — ^, May fcour the Hundreds round at random -, Whether it pleafe him to difport,

In Wild-Street^ or in Coulfo?i^s-Court i «  He fears no Danger from the Doxies,

Laughs at their F * * * * *, and fcorns their Poxes.

II.

In Armour clad, I ventur'd on, Sir^

A Merleton ^a very Monfter 5

A Whilker of fuch hideous Mien,

In WoetJione'^S'Park was never fsen *,

Filthier


M


(28)

Filthier by far than DarwentwaUr\ And wider than Tom B'mgle\ Daughter's.

III.

Place me on fome Infefed Ground,

Where none of either Sex is found j

Where All drench Diet-Drink, take Dofes, And where the Ladies All want Nofes j

There Sporting, I'll Hippocrates defy.

And without Galen's Help, both live and die,

FINIS.



A R M O U R. A N Imitation of tht Splendid SHiLLmd

          • Hems erit huic quoque ***** Virg.

By the Reverend Mr. Kennet, Son of tlie late Bifhop of Peterborough. '

OAll ye Nymphs, in lawlefs Love's Difporc Affiduous ! whofe ever open Arms Both Day and Night Hand ready to receive The fierce Affauks of Britain^ Am'rous Sons ! Whether in Golden Watch and ftilF Brocade You fhine in Ptay-HQufe or the Drawing-Room Whores thrice Magnificent I Delight of Kings, And Lords of goodlieft Note 5 or in mean Stuffs Ply ev'ry Evening near St. Clement's Pile,* Or Church of fame'd St. Dunstan, for in Lane,' Gr Alley's dark Recefs, or open Street,


  • St. Clement'^ Churcl in the Strand.

\ 5r. Dunltan'f Ohurck in Fieet-Street.


tf V Known


( 2 )

Known by White rapron, .bart'ring Love wkh CiC^ Or ftroling Lawyer's Clerk at cheapeft Rate j

! W hether of ** Blyer^k or of ** Heywood^^ Train, Hear, and' Attend :A\n;C ~--^?z?'s..n),ighty Praife I (ing, for fure 'tis worthy of a Song. -{• V E JN tJ S ■ alTift my Lays, Thou who prefideft la CityABalI,or. Courtiy-Mafquerade, Goddtfs fupreme I ,fql^_ Auth*refs of our. Loves j Pare and Impure! whofe Province 'tis to rule Not only o*er the chafter Marriage-Bed, But filthiefl: Sre\vs, and Houfes of kept Dames ! ^ To Tliee 1 cajl, and with a friendly Voice,

C — -<-- /;;; I ilng : by G ^ ?ns now fecure

Boldly the willing Maid, by Fear awhile

Kept virtuous, owns thy Pow'r, and taftes thy Joys

Tumultuous 5 Joys untafted but for them.

Unknown big Belly, and the fquawling Brat,

Beil Guard of Modefty ! She Riots now

Thy Vot'ry, in the Fallnefs of thy Blifs-


^* TVy. ^-W /?-7i-;0, r.nir Ca^•?•^t- Garden.

T Czmv.n? 'ii'/aj D a. c-uc- cfi Dea C-irmin-i di.2na. Ovid.


Ki


appy


(3)

Happy the Man, who in his Pocket keeps. Whether with Green or Scarlet Ribbon bound, A well made C^— . m, - — - Hp, nor dreads the Ills Of S hankers or Cor dee j. or Buboes Dire !

Thrice happy He ^for when in lewd. Embrace

Of Trairfport-feigning. Whore, Creature obfcenei

The cold; infipid Purchafe of a Crown !

Blefs'd Chance ! Sight feldom ieen ! andmoftl/giv n

By Templar, or Oxonian — Beft Support

Of Drury, and her ftarv'd Inhabitants j

With C — --s m arm*d he wag^s Am'rous Fighf

Fearlefs, fecure , npr Thought of future Pains, '

Refembling Prick of Pins and Needle's Point,

E'er checks his Raptures, or difturbs his Joy§ :

So AJ4X^ Grecian Chief, with Seven-fold Shield,

Enormous ! brave'd the Trojanh fierceft Rage:

While the hot daring Youth, whofe giddy Luil .

Or Tafte too exquifite, in Danger's Spite,

lefolvesupon FRUITION, unimpare'd

B) intervening. Armour, C m hight !

Sca:e three Dayspaftj bewails the dear-bought BliTs-

B 2 Tor


(4)

For now tormented fore with fc aiding Heat

Of Urine^ dread Fore-runner of a Clap !

With Eye repentant, he furveys his Shirt /

Diverfify'd with Spots of yellow Hue,

Sad Symptom of ten thoufand Woes to come!

Now no Relief, but from the Sgrgeon's Hand,

Or Pill-prefcribing-Leach, * tremendous Sight

To Youth difeas'd ! In Garret high he moans

His wretched Fate, where vex'd with naufeou§

Draughts And more affiiding Bolus^ he in Pangs Unfelt before, curfes the dire Refult Of lawkfs Revelling ; from Morn to Eve By never-ceafmg kttn' Emetics urge-d^ Nor flights he now his Grannum's Sage Advice : Nor feels he only but in Megrim'd Head, Head fraught with Horror — Child of Sallow Spleeh,'^'^ Millions of idle Whims and Fancies dance Alternate, and perplex his labouring Mind. '

What erft he has been told of fad Mifchance' Either m Pox or Clap, of falling Nofe,

Scrap


(5)

Scrape'd Shins, and Buboes^ Pains, of vile Effed ! ' ^

All feels the Youth, or fancies that he feels.

Nay, be it but a Gleef^ or gentleft Clap^

His ill-foreboding Fears deny him Reft,

And fancied Poxes vex his tortur'd Bones j

Too lat^ convince'd of C— — -/w's Sov'reign Ufe.


'V"


Hail, Manes of Love- propagating Pimp ! Long fmce deceased, and long by me adore'd ; prom whofe prolific Brain, by lucky Hit, Or Infpiration from all-gracious Heaven, Firft fprang the mighty Secret ; Secret to guard From Poifon virulent of unfound Dame. Hail, happy Albion^ in whofe fruitful Land The wondrous Man *arofe,from whofe ftrange Skill In inmoft Nature, Thou haft reap'd more Fame, More folid Glory, than from NEWfON's Toil ; NEKTON vfho next is' England's nobleftBoaft: If aught I can prellige, as Smyrna once,


  • Colonel Covdom was the Inventor of -WTiat Is vulgarly called a C — m.

alias Ar M u R , by the Girls of the Town, and who generally carry this Df fence about them, at- i -'. «ach. .

•^ Chios


(6)

Chios and Colopbm ^^^nd Rbodian-lde,, Famous for vaft Cokfsi and Ar^os fair,' And Salamis^ well known for Grecian Fight^ With Mighty XERXE S j andthe Source of ArtSj^ High Jthens! long contended for the Praife ' ^ " Of HOMER'S Birth-Place, blind, egregious Bard ! In after Times, fo fhall with warm Difpute Europas rival Cities proudly flrive, A mbitibus each of being deem'd the Seat Where CONDONJMUS ^rG: drew vital Aii',

Too cruel Fate — - Partial to human Race — To us Propitious — * But O hard Decree ! Why, why fo long in Darkfome Womb of Night Dwelt the profound Arcanum, late reveal'd 5 Say I not rather why, ye Niggard Stars, Are not your Bleflings given unpall'd with 111, And Love, your greateft BlefTing, free from Curfe, Curfe of Difeafe ! How many gallant Youths

Have



( 7 ) Have falkn by the Iron Hand of. Death, Untinvely, immature; As if to love. Your everlafting Purpofe, were a Crime. But O ye Youths born under happier Stars, Britanma^s chief eft Hopes ! upon whofe Cheeks Gay Health fits fmiling, and whofe nervous Limbs Sweet Eafe, her Offspring fair ! invigorates, UnbraceM as yet by foul Contagion^ Favorites of Fortune! let th* unhappy Lot Of others, teach you timely to beware ; That when replete with Love, and fpurn'd by Luit, You feek the Fair-One in her Cobweb Haunts, Or when allure'd by Touch of pafling Wench, Or caught by Smile infidious of the Nymph Who in Green-BoXjat PJay-Houfe, nightly flaunt-, And fondly calls thee to Love's lufcious Feaft, You cautious ftay awhile, till fitly Arm^d With C^m Shield, za RUMMER * beft fopply'd. Or never-failing ROSE^ * fo may you thrum

  • T-fUj)fitnoui Taverns of Intri^i, rear Goveat- Garden*

Th' extatic


(8)

Th* exftatic Harlot, and each joyous Night Crown with ffefh Raptures ; till at laft unhurt And fated with the Banquet, you retire.

By me forewarri'd thus may you ever ixzi.^ Lovers pleaftng Paths in blcft Security,



OF THE SITUATION of BETTYLAND

THE Country of Bettyland is a Continent adjoining to the Isle of Man, having the IJla7id of Man wholly under its Jurifiidiion, It is of fo large an Extent, that it fpreads itfelf thro' All Degrees whacfoever; but the chiefeft Degrees which are known to thofe who travel, are from 1 6 to 45 both of Southern 2inA Northern Latitude: They who fteer by the Rules of Compafs fhall never know the Dimenfions of it. The Planet which rules it, is Venus^ though fome aver that it lies All within the Tropic of Capricorn -, but for that Conftellation which is called Virgo^ there are very few of the Inhabitants of this Coun- try can endure to hear it named ; they won- der what that lufty Planet the Sun can liave to do with it.

In this vaft Empire of Bettjland^ there are feveral very large Provinces, as the Province of Rutland^ v/herein (lands the Metropclis of the whole Empire called Pego, the gieat Pro- vince of Bedford, tlie wide Province of J'Kili- jfJ:ire, the Province of GueJderland very lictk inhabited, the Province of Slaveorda^ the Province of Curhndy the PrQvliice of Mai-

B. davia



.^iit.^,-:ifJ:im':


davia, famous for the great City oiLipJicky the vatt Territory of Croatia^ with the Pro- vince of Hollandy a mighty Tra£t of Land under the Command of Count Horn, with many others too long to repeat. There was formerly a certain Promontory or Neck of Land lying in this Country, called the Cape oi Good- Hope, but Time has fo utterly defaced it, that there is hardly any fign thereof now remain- ing.

Of the Soil of this Comitry,

The Temperature of the Soil is as various as you may imagine any Climate to be, that lies under fo many fardiftant Meridians^ fome- times fo Cold (efpecially when it feels the re- fre filing Influences of Wealth and Youth decay) that Winter is more kind ; nay, the very Hearts of the People will be frozen, and a Cart loaden with whole Canon may go over the ftreams of their former AfFeGion, nothing but Ice of Difdain, Hail-ftones of Malice, and moft bitter Storms of Reproach : Sometimes fo Hot again, that a Man had better be let down in a Basket at the great Plole of Mount JEt7ia^ than travel in feme Parts of the Coun- try; but touch it fometimes, and you fhalllofc a Member : It is worfe than St. Innocents Church-yard inP<^w,whichconfumes dead car- cafes in twenty-four hours, for if a man make a Hole in feme Part of the Mold, and put but an Inch of his Fleili in, it will raife fuch a a Flam.e in his Body, as would make him

think


[3 :

think Hell to be upon Earth: to fay truth, the Nature of the Soil is very ftrange, fo that If a Man do but take a Piece of it in his Hand, it will caufe (as it were) an immediate Deli^ rium^ and make a Man fall flat on his Face upon the Ground, where if he have not a care, he/may chance to lofe a Limb, fwallowed up in a Whirl. pit, not without the Effufion of the choicefl: Part of the Blood : But for Tillage the Soil is fo proper, and fo delightful it is to manure, that be it fruitful, or be it barren. Men take the greateft Pleafure in the world to plow it and fo wit; nay, there are fome who take it for fo great aPaftime^that they v/ill give i ooo A and fome 200 o /. a Year for a little Spot in that Country, not fo big as thePaulm of your Hand. Herein it is of a different Nature from all other Soils, for though it be fertile enough, yet after you have fufficiently plowed it and fown it, it requires neither fhowers nor the dew of Heaven, nor puts the Husbandman to the Trouble of Prayers for the Alteration of Weatherjyet if the Husbandman be not very careful to tend it and water it himfelf every Night, once or twice a Night, as they do Marjoram after Sun-fet, he \i^jl find a great deal of Trouble all the Year long ; tho there be a fort of Philofophers who underftand the Nature of the Soil very well, who fay that this kind of Husbandry is unna- tural and very inconvenient for the Soil, and that it were far better for a provident Hus- bandman to have* Three or Four or half a do- B 2 zta


i^^&vr


[41 zen Farms one under another^ than to fpend fo much Time, Toil and Labour altogether in vain, tor thereby many times the Crop comes to nothing, and though it may be very well got off the Ground, and feem fair for the time, yet when you think to have the Benefit of it, you fhall fee it afterwards come to nothing, and moulder away like a rotting Orange. If the Soil be barren, all the Dunging in tbe world will never do it any good, yet the more barren it is, the m.ore will the Soil cleave and gape for Moifture, the Sands oi Arabia are not fo thirfty -, if the Soil prove fruitful, they then {o overftock it with variety of Flowers and Colours, fo tire out Art with Inventions to beautify Nature, that when Winter comes there is hardly a Leaf left to cover the Ground. As to the Colour of the Soil, you fhall have it Very much vary, for in fome Places you fhall meet with a Sandy Mould, which is generally very rank and very hot in its Temperature, fo that it requires the greatett Labour of all to manure it ; fometimes you Iliall light upon a kind of a White Chalk or marly kind of a Soil, not fo difficult to manure, and befides, the Heart of the Ground will be foon eaten outr fometimes you meet with a Brown Mould, which is of tw^o forts, either light Brown, or dark Brown. Hus[)andmen generally take great delight in m.anuring either of thefe, for the Air is there generally wholefome, and not

io


[53 To much annoyed with Morning and Bv'ening Fogs and Vapours as the former 3 befides that, the Husbandman fliall before to have his penny- worth out of them, for they will feldom lie fallows take which you will, but if you meet with a Blaci'SoU, be fure you take fhort Leafes, and fit at an eafy Rent, left your Back pay for the Tillage, for you muft labour there Night and Day, and all little enough : To tell you the truth, chufe which of them you will, it is a curfed expenfive thing to manure any of them all according as the Soil requires, ef- pecially in the Northern Parts of the Country, w^here the generality of the Husbandmen feem to have forfeited their Difcretion in this Par- ticular, as if the very Air of the Soil in thofe Parts had a kind of bewitching Charm to de- prive them of their Senfes. ThefeSoils, if they prove very fruitful indeed, fliall fometimes bring you Three Crops at a time, fometimes Twojbut generally One ; a ftrange fort of Har- veft, for it confifts chiefly in Mand?^akes^ they bring forth both Ma/e d.nd Female, which are very tender when they appear firft above ground, and muft be tended more diligently than Miisk-Melons in Cold weather, but if they overcome their firft Tendernefs, they grow as hardy as Burdocks, and will over-run a Country like Jeriifale?n-ArtickQah, Thefe Mayidrahs are very much efteemed by the generality of Husband aien, v/ho do very much lament the Lofs of their Crop, which

many




_ [ 6 J _ _

iiiany times tnlfcarries after it is come oiit bt the Earth, for it is very often blafted, and fometime (through the Carelefnefs of idle Hul- wifes their Maid Servants) fwept out of doors, and thrown intoHoufes of Office, where (though Ma?2*s Dung be counted the beft of all Dungs) thefe Plants will never thrive after^ w^ards: Thofe Husbandmen who delight in Gardens, find many Flowxrs there, growing very agreeable to the Nature of every one of the foregoing Soils ; among the reft, they bear Batchehrs-Butto72s very familiarly, there is alfo great ftore of ^ Lo've lies a bleedings but above all fweet Williams^ and ^ Tickle mi quickly are to be found there, in great abun^ dance -, fometimes (though very rarely here and there) you may find fome few flips of Pati- ence^ Flower-Ge?itle^ and Hearts-eafe^ but P^ue grows up and dov/n as thick as Grafs in Ire^ land\ there are alfo great quantities of Time^ but the People of the Country flightlyefteem it, and make very little ufe of it.

Of thei?^ Fowl, Beasts, Fish, &c.

Fowl they have in great plenty, but above all^ the moft infinite flights oiW agtailsth?LtQvtr were {tta in any Country in the World. Beafs they have xnonebut what are Horned, except the Hare and Coriey, but thefe are enough to ftock the Country, were it as large again as it is,

  • Two Songs much in Vogue during the Reign of

King Charhs IL

There


C 7 ] There is but ojie great River to water the whole Land, befides two ftanding Pools, which they can, upon any Occafion, let out and drown all the Country, which is the Reafon they have very few Fijh^ but infinite Numbers of Crabs ; Carps are grown fo common, they are hardly worth taking notice of, and indeed there is little Need of FiJJo^ for the Husbandmen be- ing given to Labour, have good Stomachs, and are altogether for FlejJo.

Its Prospect.

The whole Country of Bettyland fliews you a very fair Pro fpeO:, which is yet the more delightful, the more naked it lies ; it makes the fineft Landfcapes in the World, if they be taken at the full Extent; and many of your rich Husbandmen will never be without them hanging at their Bed -fides, efpecially tl]ey who have no Farms of their own, merely that they may feem to enjoy what they have not: Some there are who fo really believe they poiTefs the Subftance by the Sight qf the Shadow, that they fall to till and manure the very Pifture with fiich Strength of Imagina- tion, that it is a hundred Pounds to a Penny they do not fpoil it Avith their Inftruments of Agriculture : Others never fo lazy, or never fo tired before, upon the Sight of one of thefe Landfcapes, fhall revive again, and go as frefli and lufty to their Labour as if they never had been weary. I could wifh thefe Cuftoms were


[ 8 ]

left ofl^ of hanging thefc Landfcapes by th^ Husbandmen*s Bed-fides, for the Confequen- ces thereof are very mifchievousp feeing that it caufes them to defire and covet one ano- ther's Farms with that Eagernefs, as if they were in open Hoftility with the Tenth Com" maiidment ; fo that where they cannot get the Profpe£l itfelf, they will have a Landfcape, and occupy one another's Eftate in Conceit : In a Word, the Profpefl: of Bettyland is fo grateful, fo pleafing to the Eye, that the Country would be over-run with Inhabitants, had not v^dfe Nature put a Stop to that Extra- vagancy Vv'hich fhe forefav/ in Man by the. Badnels of the Air, which is univerfally not fo delicious in any Region oi Betty la?id^ as it is in Arabia Ft^lix ; for neither in Spring-time, which is the Seafon whereof we now difcourfe, nor in Summer-time, can the Air be very much commended, efpecially if the Wind be any thing high, which has made many Men ad-. mire why the Poets fhould be fuch Lyers and Sycophants to talk as they do ; for feme have not ftuck to afBrm that the Perfumes of Betty- iand are beyond all the Odours of the Eaft ; which how true it is, I will appeal to the very Nofes of the Poets themfelves, who I know are as well skilled in the Country of Bettyla?2d as any Husbandmen in the World \ ^or can any Body have the Confidence to con- tradict what I fay, that fhall ftay but a l^uarter of an Hour in any Place where the ' ThrejDher^


f 9 )

Threfhcrs have been lately at work. This was the Reafon that the Poets would never let the Gods (who were as great Farmers as ever lived in Bettyland) lie upon any other Beds than Beds of Rofesi, and always per- fumed the Air as they went with the richeft Odours thej could think of: But in the Winter and Autumn Seafons there is no enduring the Country ; the Profpeft is not worth one- Farthings the Ways grow deep and rugged, the Land grows Barren; there is little or no Pleafure in Tilling the Ground, and the Un- wholefomnefs of the Air increafes, which is very bad for thofe thjt hold their Farms by longLeafes j yet fo feverely are iome Husband- men tied by their Leafes, efpecially in the Northern Parts of this Country, that there is no avoiding them ; yet fomc there are who will, for all that, privately hire a New -Farm, perhaps fuch a-one where neither Spade or Dibble entered before, and then they let the old one lie fallow ; wherein if they act cauti- oully, they may do well enough ; but if the ' Landlord of the Old Farm come to know of it, and fue upon the Covenant of the Old Leafe, God blefs us ! you would think Heaven and Earth were going together, you would fwear all the Lapland^ itches were exercifing their Sorceries in Bettyland'^ fuch Storms, fuch Tempefts, fuch Thunder, ' fuch Light- ening, fuch Apparitions, enough to fcare the poor Plow- jogger out of his wits : by-and-by C ' the


I-


the Landlady enters upon the New Fafrii

in the Devil's Name, tears down all before

her, makes fuch a Disfigurement of the Pro-

fpeft, and digs up the very Surface of the

Soil itfelf with fo much Indignation, Havock

and Deftruftion, that you would think her to

be quite raving mad; yet there fliali be no Im-

peachment of Wafte againft her, fo ftrictly is

the Husbandman bound by the Covenants of

  • his Z/d'^^/'^andnonfenfical Cwy?(?/^^/^f Country ^

at which time if ye chance to tell any of thefe

Landladies of the Civil-LaWy they'll prefent-

ly fpit in your Face.

Objiinacy of the People.

Can you change the Nature of the Soil? no more can you change the Nature of the Husbandmen, for tho' you thruft Nature back with a Fork, fhe will pufh forwards again r if they manure their Farms well, and you fee the Fields full and fair, and fwelling with Grain, if they make them bear their Crops in Seafon, v/liat is it to you how many Farms they have, how long or how little they hold them, efpecially when there are fo many gap- ing after Reverfions ? Were it in a Country M^here there are more Farmers than Farms, I grant you there were fbme Reafon for what you lay ; but every Man of Reading knows that Bettyland, is a Country where there are Ten Farms for One Farmer, and it is great

pity


ii* -ft-; - Jsk^'-j' •i-"'M--"\-ii^-<,A!tti':'}il^%><h


[ in ^

pity that any Farm fhould Yiq fallow for want of manuring. Now when one Farmer takes one Farm forPIeafure, another for Profit, that Farmer takes two -, when anotherFarmer takes one Farm for Profit, another for Pleafure^and another upon good liking, he takes three ; and . fo all the Farms come to be occupied : As for being I'enanfs at Will^ and fo leaving their Farms when they will, it is not a farthing mat- ter, for let one Husbandman leave a Farm to Day, another will take it to Morrow ; on the o- ther fide, you mufl: confider^ that tho' a Hus- bandman have one, two, or three Farms to himfelf, yet there is no Farmer in Bettyland can indole his own Ground ail the Year long by the Cujiom of the Country y but that, from laammas to St. P^z//'s-tide, it mufl: lie com-, mon for the Benefit of his Neighbours, which is. allowed in Law, and is called Common be- caufe of Neighbourhood: nay, more than that, there is hardly a Farm in Bettylajid, where there is not fome Ground that lies com^ mon all the Tear long \ fo that if the poor Husbandrnan had not fome private Inclofures to rely on, his Cafe were the worft Cafe of all the Cafes in the world : to fay truth, there is fo much Common in Bettyland^, that a Husbandman is not to be blamed to get as much Incloiure as he can : and more than this,. when the Ground begins once to lie common^ \x receives all the Beails in Nature, not ex- C 2 cepting^


C 12 ]

cepting Swine, Geefe and Goats^ which all ci- ther Commons admit not o£

Game of the Country,

The whole Country of Betty la?id lies very lcw% which is the reafon that- there is hardly a Farm in any Part of it without a Decoy^ nor is the Cunning oith^Decoy- Ducks lefs no- torious, for they exceed all other Decoy--! Ducks in Wiles and Subtiky. There is not a Widgeon in all the. Country but has a Decoy-; Duck to wait upon him, and they iay their Trains fo artfully, that it is impolfible to e- fcape them; ind as they are very cunning, fo they are very cruel, for they nev. r get a Gull into their Decoy ^ but they pull off all his Fear thers : thefe Decoys are ibme of them Natu- ral, fome Artificial ; there is not a pin to chufe betwixt them, tor they are both plaguy devouring things, and clear all the Country before them, of whatever Game they feek al- ter. Orpheus in his Argonautics^ fpcaking of a great D'ecoy-Duck in his time (which the People of Bettyland called by the name of CIR CEJ fays that fhe was fo curioully fet out 5k. Sapx TroiffTis ^d^i/^Ceov eiaopodvrs?* That all Men admired her that beheld her^ and mere Jojlupified with the fight of her Gaiety that they could make ?io Refflance againft her ; for, adds the fame Author, amo xpccTOs yip i^elpa — — 'STop^a'iis cLxiiviiiv aXi')%iQL 7)c»}pm-7Cj her Golden Feathers fione like the Sun-beams. Nor do they

^ cry


[ ^3 3

cry Vik^ other Ducks^ for they have moft de- licate Voices, and can fing far beyond any Nightingales,

There is no Country in the world that has Decoy-Ducks like Bettyland^ being a Rarity no where elfe to be found : were there no^ fo many of them, you would verily take them to be Phcenixes^ for they are many times burnt in their own Ncftb. This Decoy-^ Duck called CIRCE had like to have fpoil- ed us two of the beft Stories we have extant ; Homers ULTSSES, grndFirgiPs MNEAS.iot this very Duck had like to have drawn, the two great Heroes of the world, UlyfessLnd M^ neaSj into the Decoys of Betty land, to the ruin pf all the Projefts of the very GODS them- felves.

There was another Decoy-Duck no lefs fa- mous than the form.er, which was called ME^ DEA^ a damn'd mifchievous Bird^, the' for the Beauty of her Wings faid to be the SUN'S Grand-child : for whatever Game fhe gets into her Decoy, fhe utterly ruins s and therefore Ntcander,2i great Farmer inBettyla?24, Sind the High-Conftable's Fellow forKnowlecige of the Country, gives his Fellow-Husbandmen very good Caution, for faith he

If a poor Hujhandman comes to be trapped into ^ne of her Decoys,

,. — — — ^ TTccpd ^efhii


^^^gHH^HHilglgllll


the poor Widgeon had better a thouf^nd tims^, k^ve fallen into the Poulterer s hands.

From thefe two famous Decoy -Ducks^ have, the whole Srood of Bettyland leamt all their Wiles and cunning Tricks, and if any thing of Nature be wanting, they have all their- Knick-knacks, all their Poftures, Geftures, Trickings and Trimmings irnaginable to help. Nature ; for they know as well as can be, how weakly thofe Avenues to the Underftanding (the Eyes and Ears) are guarded, and there- fore they chiefly lay their Trains there: if they fee a Widgeon or a Gull pafs by, they wVX fpread their Tails like fo many Peacocksy and fet the poor filly Birds a ftaring like fo many Country Bumpkins 3>a Coronation. By-and«  by comes a Flight of hotterels^ and then they fet up their Throats and fing; and fing and; fly, and fly and fing; fo that thQ/ooUfi-Powlyht" witcht with their ^^/Apipes, tbllow their ^ird'Calls to whatever Inconveniences they are minded to carry them into. Some are of opinion , that it is an eafy thing to avoid thefe Decoys: but how can that be, when we find that both Ulyjfes and Mneas were forced to have fome GOD or other always tied to then- Tails to keep them out of harm's way ? Some ^^^"^^ there are indeed, who. by dint of main Pru- dence efcape the Danger, but for one of thefe there are a thpufand others who have nothing but their dear-bought Experience to preferye' i;hem : And for on^ of 'tlieie^ Ten Thouiand

more


[in

more that will fuffer themfelves to be Decoyed twenty times over, till they have not one Feather to cover their Tails ; for the Nature of thefe Decoys is fuch, that tho^ they feed a fimple Husbandman (who all the while ne- glefts the manuring of his Own Farm) with filch Pleafure and Content, yet they confume and v^afle both Body and Purfe moft defpe- rately and infenfibly : defperately, becaufe jnjurably ; infenfibly, becaufe the filly Hus- bandman, wallowing in prefent Delight, nei- ther confults or minds approaching Misfor- tune : yet if a Gullov diDotterel^ or 2l Widgeon^ have a mind to be revenged upon a Decoy^ Duck that has been too cunning for him, there is a way to do it, by fetting another Decoy-^ Duck upon Her.

Thus when the Decoy-Duck Medea would have Decoyed the greateft Farmer in all Betty- hfid (even Jupiter himfelf) Juno^ who was Jupiter s Decoy-Duck^ took and wrung off her Neck; and furely Juno ferved her well enough for a proud Quinftrel as fhe was, that fpent all the morning in laying her Nets, if we may believe Apollojiius Rhodius^ another great Far% mer in Bettyland. who defcribes her,

Trimming a7id pruning her Feathers by the Sea^ ftde^ that is to fay, fitting before a great Looking-Glafs in her Smock-fleeves, with her Hair dillievelled, and her Neck and Breafts bare, expelling the coming of the great

Farmer


[ i6 ]

Farmer ^upiter^ but Juno prevented then! both, as you have heard : fo much for th^ Decoys of Betty la?id.

Of the Antiquity of this Country.

For the Antiquity of the Country vi^e need not go far to fearch ic out: no fooner was there any Light delivered to theWorld by Let- ters, but the firft Difcovery which v/as made, wasthatof B6'/'/)7i^W: what it was before may be eafily conjedlured, but in the time of the Greek and Roman POETSj it was a flou- rifhing Kingdom even in Heaven it felf, con- taining all that large Tract which was in Greek called 'O-jpaj'os : nay, even Ccelus him* felr, fi'om whom Heaven w^as called Ccelum^ was a Farmer in that Country, and fo great a Husbandman, fo great and lb induftrious a Manurer of his Farms, that Orpheus calls him 'Oupai'cr ircLyytvkiot^po ^ univerfal Propo.gater : And by the Latin Poet he is faid

■ — ■■ — — - Fceciwdis Imbribus

Conjugisin Gremium Icetce defcendere, ^ And how he llockt the World with Ma?!- drakesy you may eafily read in Hefiod^ who in his T^beogony wrote of the Celejiial AgricuU ture^ as Markham among us wrote of Terre- Jirial Husbandry .

Saturn alio w^as a great Husbandman in the Celeftial Pare of Bettyland, and becaufe he

  • To drop down into the Lap of his tranfported Confort, in

prolific Showers.

lived


[17 ] lived upon his Means, was therefore faid p eat his Own Children : But for Jupiter^ he was certainty the greateft Husbandman that ever was in the whole World, for he had Farms in both Bettylands\ and was fo induftri- ous and fo indefatigable in Manuring and Tilling them, that he left no Stone unturned of which he could make any Advantage: And therefore Aratus^ who was a kind of an Al- manack Maker to the Celeftial Farmers, fays of him with a great deal of Flattery,

/w.gTa/ Si ^loi ToLcai uey ccyy^oc]^ Ul^aoci S" ar-

SrpooTTiov ccyopcti yj^ryn Si- ^oLhocacroi tloli KiixUve^^

fo that there was not a publicHlgh-way^not a Market-place in all the Country which he left unploughed: Nay, the very Sea^ Rivers and Lakes were full of his Husbandry y by that you may guefs that he left a great Stock be- hind him. The fame Poet feems alfo to inti- mate that he was the Founder (as much as we fay Jupiter was the firft Husbandman ia the World) of Bettyland, ^s NimrodwzstliQ Founder of the Babylonifi Empire i for faith he in the beginning of his Poem^ a Jove Principium, ApoUonius gives us a notable Character of him :

He had at all times a Regard to the Happi- nefs as well of the Mortal as the ImmortaL He was fo great a Husbandman that there was not a Farm either in the Terreftrial or D Celeftial


L


[ i8 ]

Celeftial Bettyland^ but he would be thrufting his Spade into it \ to tell the Truth, all the Poets Fables concur to fhew youthe Original, Increafe, and'vaft Extent of the Country of Bettyland\ fuch are the Stories of Ge/wi^yw//- tevy Saturn^ Venus^ Priafus^ Adonis^ Bacchus^ Ariftius^ (too long to repeat)all greatHusband- men^who kept their Ploughs going Day and Night. As to theTerreftrialfi^f /y/^/^4 what think you of that moft applauded Farmer Hercules? who fo many Ages ago Ploughed and Sowed 50 large Farms in one Night : what Havock, what Killing and Slaying of the poor Greci- ansj what a Deftruftion of Unhappy Troy^ and all for om unhappy Farm * belonging to that City Menelaus hid Chim to! What think ye of Demofthenes^ who fo many Years fince gave for the Pofleflion of a fmall Farm, lying about Athens^ only for one Night, as Gellius records, above Three Hundred Pounds.

In what a flourifhing Condition was the Country of Bettyland in the time of Menan- der^ AriJiophaneSy Anacreon^ PlaiifuSy Te- rence^ Tibullus^ Ovid, Martial^ d,nd Petronius^ who all wrote of the Husbandry and Tillage of their Times ? In the Infancy of the World, Priapus had fo Ingrofled all the Farms in the Country Lampfacus^ a Fair Territory oi Bet- tyland, by Reafon of the unufual Aftivity, iargenefs and Strength of his Plough^ that

  • HELEN.

the


[ 19 ]

the Countrymen confpired againft him for Monopolizing their Livings. I might infift longer upon the Antiquity of Bettyland, but that I am apt to believe there is no Man fo fimple to queftion it. They may as well de- ny the Sun^ who was no fooner made, but he fell to Tilling and Cultivating the vaft and moft Immenfe Fields of Nature^ for the whole Region of Beftyland holds of Nature as her chief Soveraign and Emprefs, and the Sun as her fole Steward to gather her Quit-Rents, provide Tenants, and lett Livings ; and there- fore if you come to any Farmer in Bettyland^ and ask him how he came to take fuch AffeQ:i- on to the Husbandry of that Country, he will make Anfwer prefently, it is natural to him : And for any Soil to bear that Seed which is proper for it, That all the World knows to be Natural. Now as to the Force of Nature's Impulfe, I fhal! fay more when I come to the Religion of the Country. See- ing then it is the Impulfe of Nature that moves the Husbandmen of Bettylajid to take upon them that Toil and Labour which they undergo Night and Day, fhould they be blamed for what they cannot avoid ? rather there ought a way to be found out for the Eh'- couragement of thefe Moilers and Toilers ; for tho' all Men are prone to be Drudges in Bettyland^ yet the Husbandry of the Coun- try is quite out of Order s there is no Method at all obferved amongft them ; a moft won- D 2 derful


( 20)

derful Thing, that in fo vaft a Country and fo long Continuance,there never yet was found any Region wherein the Husbandry of Betty- land was fo exaClly ordered,as in that fmall Part of it which was once called Centilepa^ for it is obferved in that Part of Betty land, the Price of Farms ran always very low ; the only Way to reftore the Decay of B^^/y/^W- Husbandry : therefore we read of one very rich Farmer there, w^ho bought a very fair Farm in that Country for 30 Changes of Raiment, and of another great Farmer who bought a Royal- Farm in the fame Place for 100 Fore-skins; a very inconfiderable Price, confidering what poor Farmers are forced to give now a^ days,

The Druids in the Ifland of Britannia^ a very large Part of Bettyland^ aimed at this very thing when they Entailed their Lands upon their Male-Mandi^akes^ had they En^ tailed their Subftance in Money as well as in Land, they had hit the Mark : It is admira^- ble, that in a Country of fo much Freedom as Bettyland is, and Governed by Conftitutions fo far different from other Countries, Land^ lords fliould be fo egregioufly led aftray, to give fvich vaft Sums of Money to put off" their Farms, though ever fo Fruitful, or ever lo Flourifliing : For theilf^^^ of Portions,though ic be fpread ever fo thick upon a Bettyland Farm, avails nothing to the Fertility thereof; rather \i is the greateft Inconvenience in the

World


( 21 )

World to a Beftyland Farmer, for he under- ftanding that there lies a Silver or a Gold^ Mine in luch a Farm, or luch an Hejperian^ Orchard is laden with Golden Apple s^'\A have at them by Hook or br Crook, let them be watched ever fo^^efully by thole She-Dra- gons called Boarding-School-'MiJireffes ; befides that, if they had looo Eyes, there is a Way to lay thofe S he- Argus s afleep: And when all comes to all, neither Orchat nor Farm are agreeable to his Mind, or fit for Tillage -, nay, many times the Ground proves Barren, Mar- fliy, Unwholfome, Rank, and Mountainous ; fo that there is no Profit nor Pleafure in Manuring or Drefling it : Whereas if thofe Allurements lay not before the Eyes of the Husbandman, he would chufe the moft De- lightful Profpefls, the moft fruitful Soils ; and the Subftance of the Country being contrafted into the Hands of the Husbandmen only, would make the Farmers more able to main- tain their Husbandry ; then you fliould hear none of thofe- common Complaints of Land^ lords, by Reafon of their Farms lying upon their Hands; nay, you fhould not fee an indif- ferent Farm in all the Country of Bettyland lie wafte and ruinous for want of Tillage : Whereas now how many fail- deli^te fruitful Soils lie fallow ? How many beautiful Or- ehats lie undreft, becaufe they either want Siher-Mines^ or are not laden with Golden^ 4fples. Another great Difcouragement to

the


%iTOapsi-^.:4i--..


(22 )

the Husbandry of Bettjland is this, that the extreme Folly of the Husbandmen themfelves is not fome way reftrained ; for they having obtained a rich Farm, doat upon it with fo much Vanity, that they fpend more Labour and Coil: upon one Farm, ths^ff would ferve to maintain 40 good Farms in full Heart: fothat divide a Farmer's whole Subftance in 6 Parts, he fhail walie and confume 5 Parts and \ upon I fingle Farm, which is a great Caufe of the generS^mpoverilhment of the Betty- land Husbandmen. Then comes a 3^, and as grievous a Difcouragement as any ; for thefe rich Soils, by Reafon of their Richnefs, grow Rank and Proud, and then the poor Husband- man is fo plagued with Weeds^ Nettles^ and WiU'Artichoah^ that none can imagine it, hot they who Feel the Trouble : You fhall fee nothing but the gay Poppies that kill and burn up his profitable Harveft; and which is woril of all, the poor Farmer is left without Remedy: For in i[\QNorther?iV2insoi Betty- land there is no help ; pull them by the Roots^ he cannot, they are got fo Deep in the Earth 5 let him take a Weeding-hook in his Hand, and the wholeCountry cries out upon him; and befides all this, Petronius ■

Leoc armatafedet circumfera U??iina Nupta,

^he Stream of the haw rum quite againjl the Farmers^ tor the Law is fo careful to pre- vent


i ^3 ]

vent Wafte and DeftruQion, that it will not admit of gentle Pruning, for fear fome of the more impatient Sort fhould thence take an occafion not only to injure, but confound their Farms.

Of the Temper of the Inhabitants.

Having thus given you a Defcriptionof the Country, it may not be amifs to fhew you fomething of the Nature of the Inhabitants. They are generally very amorous^ or rather univerfally given to Love \ which, according to the Interpretation of fome of the Sages, is as much as toi'^y Libidi?iotis : For, the Tem- per of Mandrakes^ both Male and Femaky is for the moft part both hot and moiji^ which are the Principles of Generatmi^ which is the principal Foundation of all Love-, that is to fay, of that which is generally reputed to be Love^ which by another Name is called De^ fre^ as hinted by the Poet^

Nil amor ejl alindVenerisquam parca voluptas^ ^lafjnul expleta ejl infinita ora Rubor,'^

For you muft know, there is no true and real Love in the whole Country of Bettyland^ and therefore there was never any Shepherd that loved a Shepherdejs w^ith that Height aad

  • Love is but another Name for rhe fcanty and fljameful

Pleafure of Venery.

trui


[Ml

true AffeSiion^ as Shepherds have loved Shep- herds 3 never had Husbandman fo much Kind- nefs for the richeft Farm^ the mo^"^ beautiful Frofpe^^ the mofl: fruitful and moft agreeable 5^//in Bettyland^ as Damo7i had for Pythias : Thefeus never had that AfFeftion for Ariad?ie, as he had for Pirithous, Nor fliall the Story of Orpheus ftand in my way, tho' he fued Pluto for a Farm which Perfiphone had taken from him : For if Eurydice was his Soul, I cannot blame him, that he followed the Crowd of hhBrother-Harpers toHell when fhe was de- parted : But take him how you pleafe, one Swal- low makes no Slimmer, and the Reafon is plain; for the Inhabitants o? Betty land Iovq one ano- ther, not out of any true Affediion, but for the Hopes o^ Reward and Self-fatisfaBion-^ which Reward ov SatisfaBion decaying through Age or Infirmities, the great Love, which W2isjujl noWy cools in a Moment ^ like the Fat ofVenifon: And therefore B^//)'/<^W-Love is but a hot Degree and eager Purfuit after P lea- fur e, which increafes fometimesto that height, that both Shepherds and ShepherdeJJes feem to be mady which was the reafon that whtn J upl- ter took away the fair Shepherdefs Europa^ out of Terrejirial-Bettylandy the Poets feign- ed him to be turned into a Bu 11^ tht moftlaf- civious and impetuous of any Creature in the Purfuit of his Amours. No lefs did this Fury appear formerly in the female Inhabi- tants of Betty land^whilQ Semiramis raged for

the


C 25 ]

the Embraces of her Son, and Pajiphae roar- ed for the Fizzle of a Bull ; and no gueftion, but the Temper of that little Spot of Ground belonging to the Shephcrdefs Mefjalina^ ftill continues wearied, but not fatiated, tho' it had been ploweddLtiA harrrowed 25 times in 24 Hours. Were you but to behold the many Sacrifices of Luft, the many Martyrdoms of female Paftime; would but your referved Nurfes, Chamber-maids, and Apothecaries, but vouchfafe to open the Cabinets of their Breafts, how many regal Paftes, incarnating Eleftuaries, reftoring Potions, they give in a Year^ you would then foon be acquainted with the Nature of Beffyland-luOWt^ which is fo far from being true Love ^ that it is only a continual Praftice of Surprize: The Flames of Defire, like a Candle, difcovering the fe- cret Paths and Labyrinths which the Shep^ herds and Shepherdejfes of all Sexes, Ages, Degrees, and Humours, chufe in purfuit of their amordiis Defigns.

Thus we find the Love of the Shepherds in Betty land to be more fierce, of the Shepher- dejfes to be more conftant ; how Youth loves wantonly, old Age ridiculoufly : They who are poor ftrive to pleale by Officioufnefs and continual Duty, the Rich oblige by Gifts, the middle Sort put their Confidence in Invitati- ons, Fifh-Dinners, and Spring-Garden Col- lations; the nobler Sort oi Arcadians^ in Majques and Operas. The wanton Lover is

E all


r 26 ]

all for obfequious Admiration, for Songs, Jefts, and Tales ; Jealoufy makes him as me- lancholy as an old Cat ; Defpair hurries him to Revenge, to Scandal and Reproach, and many times to attempt Violence : Enjoyment makes himdefpife herFondnefs, and as much defire another. Others are a long time before they grow warm, but being once inflamed, they fpare no Coft: Jealoufy makes him co- vetous ; where he mifles his Aim, he returns Contempt. Some pretend a world of Kind- nefs, others diffemble and conceal their Flames, to be more beloved than they are; and Jime can love withoutbeing jealouss fome are for a Merry- Wench, not regarding Beauty ; o- ihers love a fober, others a confident Behavi- our. Some by fpending their Time altoge- ther in the Aftion of Love; other Sy tho' late, when they have fpent their whole Eftates, return to their Series again. With fuch Va- riety of Paffions does Bettyland Love tran- fport the Minds of her Inhabitants.

As for Matrimony, tlie true Natives of Betty landy neither Male nor Female, do ad- mire it ; for the old Sages of the Country fay-

Uxor em — Rofa Cinnamomum veretur^ ^licquid quaritur optifnzim videtur, -]•

•f- Nature being averfe to Reflraint, Men are prone to take moll Delight in things which are unlawrul.

And


■■>ii»ii^k<^M.t


[ 27 1

And indeed the Fetters of Ceremony arc utterly difagreeable to the frank Humour of the Inhabitants of this Country, for they be- ing a lefs Sort of People, rejeci all Laws ot Convenience, when they are repugnant to their own Appetites ^ and falOy miftakingthe InJltJiB of Nature, for the Law of Nature, as idly cry out, that the Law of Conve?iie?ice muft iiibmit to the Law of Nature^ which makes Ufe of Laws of Convenience, to put a Nil ultra to Exorbitance; but like Phleggus in Virgil, preaching in Hell, with his dtjiite

Ju(iitiam moniti, what does this grave Cof- ^ilf

mographer do here, talking to a Company of hair-brain'd Mad-caps? Epicures, with Gad- bees in their Tails ? Who following the Ex- amples of the greateft Husbandmen and Houfewives in the World, as of Hannibal at Capua, Achilles and Bi^ifeisy Ccefar and Cleo-^ patra^ Hercules and lole^ Ladijlaus oi Poland^ Charles VIII. and thoufands more, will never be induced to believe, that fo famous and fo many Husbandmen could err, nor ever be per* fuaded to fwerve from manifold Examples, e& pecially,

Magnis cumfubeant dnimos autoribus, ^

And therefore a great Author, fpeaking of the chiefeft Husbandmen in Betty land, calts a

  • When they impxove their Notions by great Authors,

E 2 Sardo^


k


[ 28 ] SardoniCh Smile upon all thofe that fliould en- deavour to work a Reformation inthatCoun-. try, accounting it as ridiculous a Labour, as for fakers to attempt to convert the Pope • for faith he

7am levia habentur a Pudeos matrimonii ju^ ray ut prc^ libit o veras uxores repudiant^ mutent atque permutenty filios filiafque tot, Nuptiis copulant & refopulanty ut nejcir^ rogamur ubi verum cohcsreat illorum Ma- trimonium^ ^

As for that Thing cdkd EguaUty theHuSf bandmen of Betty la^id {piwn it ufider their Feet, and call him Bocca deporco, who firft made mention of it; for fay they, if yoij weigh in a juft Ballance, the Ma jelly of Maf-' culine-Form, the Latitude of his Underftand- ing, the Preheminence of his Original, the Power of his aftual Proteaion, with the chiefeft Perfeftions of the Female-Sex ; what will become of that Hen-peckt Encomium of Equality? lihty add farther, th^t Jgrippa^ for his Treatife de Pracellentia fceminel fexiis^ ought to have made as public a Recantation, as he did for his Books of Occult Philofophy.

  • The Rights of Matrimony are fo lightly pftcemed m

Bettyland, that they caft off and interchange their Wiveg at PJeafure, and fo frequently intercouple their Sons and Daughters, that 'tis hard to pronounce m what their true V/edlock confills,

■■ ■ .. . ■ If


E 29 ]

If their Admirers obje£t theincornparableFaf bricature of that particular Part where Gene? ration is concerned, 'tis no more than if yoii fhould admire that moft curious Piece of Na- ture's Workmanfhip, the Head of a Fly, whic^ is all the while but the Head of a Fly,

Thus you fee Opinions were always at War ^ne with another, and it is only the Clue of Underftanding, that muft lead you thro' the vaft Labyrinths of National-Cuftoms. The l^iditvJtShepherdeJfes of Bettyland DqCivc vehe^ mentfyj Love but indifferently and very uncon-* ftantly : Yet, whether they Love^ or whether they Hate, they will diflemble with the moft Politic Shepherd tliat ever was known in Ar-^ cadia.

But where they do Love out of Affediion (which is very feldom) they will venture thro' Fire ^nd Water : I have known, faid E/z- molphiusy when a Shepherd has been caft into Prifon for a Crime that deferved Death, his Parfmr^Shepherdefs has procured his Efcape> and been condemned in his flead, as the Law? in fome Part of Bettyland requires. Their Tongues are the moft certain Evidence of perpetual Motion^ if a Thing may be laid to move that never lies ftill: And the SubjeSs of their Difcourfe, the higheft Secrets in Na- ture. ^ Such are the Myfteries of Combing and jhading Hair, of Wajhes for their Faces, large Comments upon New Gowns ; Cenfures upon one another -s Drejjing and Behaviour -, Punc- tilio's


[ 30 1 tilllo^s oi Ceremonies when to give the Z//,and when to give the Cheek ; Defcants upon the Warmth or Coldnefe of their Shepherds Af^ feSHons : When thej^ grow Old, then they will fpend their Time in telling how Handfome they were when Young. How many Amyn^ tas Courted them, and how many poor Shep^ herds broke their Hearts for them : But if a iS'Z'^^^r^difpleafe them, they will ring him fuch a Peal as will make his Ear tingle ; but on the other fide, they are very good-natured, for if you do but now and then give them a fine Gown^ or PetticoatyZ. rich Looking-Glafs^ a Se€ of Chairs^ or any fuch Bauble, you fhall win their very Hearts : Give them but a Pearl-. Neck-Lace, and count how many Pearls there be upon the String, they fhall give you fo many Kijfes for them ; which is a great Sign of a tender Difpofition. They have an ex- cellent Art of making Horns, at which they are very induftrious, fo that many of them get gooa Livings by it ; and as for ^Jirology^ there is none of your Bookers or Lillies could ever come near them ; for they will tell a

S'i&^/y6^ri his Fortune to a Hair's Breaddi; to

which purpofe they will lie an Hour together, fometimes, upon their Backs, contemplating the Motions of the Stars.

Many of your Bettyland Shepherdeffes are deeply Learned, for having nothing elfe to do as they fit upon the Plains, they are always leading Ca£andra^ Cleopatra^ Grand-CyriUy

Amadis


\



c 31 ]

Amadh de Gaul^ Hero and Ltander^ the School of Venus, and the reft of the Female-CIa flics ; by which they are mightily improved both in PraBice and Converfation. Put them to their fhifts, and they are the Beft in the World, at an Intrigue or Stratagem. Ah ! fays the poor Soldier in PatroniuSy who had neglefted his Duty, to comfort a difconfolate Shep^ herdefsy ^ who had been bewailing the Death of her dear Melibaus for three Weeks together:

    • Here whilel have been fpending my Time to

comfort Thee the moft diftrelfed Shepherdefi in the World, they have ftole the Criminal from the Crofs, whom I was fet* to watch, and now muft I be crucified for him:" But fhe relieved him prefently ; " Rather than fo, (quoth fhe with Tears in her Eyes) here take my poor beloved Shepherd, and hang Him up in the other's Place, Death makes no Di- ftinOiion of Faces."


The Ephefian Matroi;



y


ARBOR F IT m,OY the Tree of Life; IS -^ allicculentPlant; confiftingofoneftraight Stem, on theTopof whicbisaP//?///^^;??, ovA^ pex^ at fometimes Glandfortn and refembling a May-Cberry^ tho^ at others, more like the Nut of the Avellana or Filbert-Tree.

Its FruitSj contrary to moft others, grow near the Root; they are ufually no more than two in Number, their Bignefs fome- what exceeding that of an ordinary Nutmegs both contained in one ftrong Siliqua^ox: Purfe; which, together with the whole Root of the Plant, is commonly thick fet with numerous Fihrilla^ or Capillary 'Tendrils,

The Tree is of flow Growth, and requires Time to bring it to Perfeftion, rarely feeding to any Purpofe before the Fifteenth Year ; when the Fruits coming to good Mati:irity, yield a vifcous Juice or balmy Siiccus^ which being from Time to Time difcharged at die Piftillum, is moftly beflowed upon the open Calyxes of the Friitex Vulvaria^ or Flowering Shrub^ ufually fpreading under the Shade of this Tree, and whofe Parts are, by a wonder- ful Mechanifm, adapted to receive it. The late ingenious Mr. Richard Bradley^ tTofeflbr of Botany at the Univerfity oi Cambridge, was of Opinion, the*jFr^/^A: is hereby impregnated, and then firfl: begins to bear ; he therefore ac- counts this Succus the Farina Facundans of the Plant. An& the learned Leonard Fuchfius^ a in



iiiiiilliii^^^iiA^ll


_ (O

in his Htjloria Stirpium Injigniorumy obferves the greateft Sympathy between this IVee and Shrub : T^hey are^ fays he, of the fame Genusy and do befi in the fame Bed; the Vulvaria itje/f being indeed no other than a Female Arbor Vi- tas.

It is produced in moft Countries, tho' it thrives more in fome than others, where it alfo increafes to a larger Size. The Height here in England rarely pafles nine, or eleven Inches, and that chiefly in Kent ; whereas in Ireland it comes to far greater Dimenfions ; is h good, that many of the Natives intirely fubfift upon it, and, when tranfplanted, have been fometimes known to laife good Houfe^^ with fingle Plants of this Sort.

As the Irijh-Soil is accounted the belt, fo there is fome as remarkably bad for its Cul- tivation ; and the leaft and worft in the World are faid to be about Harborough and the Foreft of Sherwood.

The Stem feems to be of thtfenftiveTribe^ the' herein differing from the more common Senftives', that whereas they are known to fhrink and retire from even the gentleft Touch ot' a Lady's Hand, this rifes on the contrary, and extends itfelf, when it is fo handled.

In Winter it isnoteafy to raife tliefe Trees without a hot Bed; but in warmer Weather rhey ftand well in the open Air.

In the latter Seafon they are fubje£l to be- come weak and flaccid, and want Support ;

for


!;


(3)

for which Purpofe fome Gardeners have thought of fplintering them up with Birchen TwigSy which has feemed of fome Service for the prefent, tho' the Plants have very foon come to the fame, or a more drooping State than before.

The late ingenious Mr. Mofteux thought of reftoring a tine Plant he had in this Condi- tion, by tying it up wich a TomeXy or Cord made of the Bark of the Vitex, or Hempen Tree : But wliether he made the Ligature too ftrait, or that the Nature of the Vitex is really in itfelf pernicious, he quite killed his Plant thereby j which makes this univerfally con- demned, as a dangerous Experiment

Some Virtuofi have thought of improving their Trees for Tome Purpofes, by taking off the Nutmegs^ which is however a bad Way ; they nevex-yif^^ after, and are good for Httle more than making Whiftles of, which are imported every Year from Italy ^ and fell in^- deed at a great Price.

Some other curious Gentlemen have endea- voured to inoculate their Plants on the Stock of the Medlar^ and that with a Manure of Human Ordure^ but this has never been ap- proved : And I have known fomeTrees brought to a ijery ill Endhy fuch Management.

The Natural- Soil \sQtvt2i\n\Y beft for their

Propagation, and that is in hollow Places,

which arewarm and near faltWater,beftkriown

by their producing the fam.e Sort of Te?idrils

a 2 as


(4)

as are obferved about the Roots of the Arbor itfelf. Some Cautions however are very ne- ceffary, efpecially to young Botanifts; and firft, to be very diligent in keeping their Trees cleaii and neat; a pernicious Sort of Infeft, not unlike a Morpoine^ or Cm/ex, being very fubjefl: to breed amongft the Fihrillce^ u'hich, if not taken away, and timely deftroyed, proves often of very dangerous Confequence.

Another Caution, no lefs ufeful, we have; from that excellent and judicious Botanift Mr. Philip Miller^ to beware of a poifonous Species; of Vuharia^ too often miftaken for the whole- fomeone, and which, if fuffered toonearour Trees, will very greatly endanger their well- being. He tells us, in his moft elaborate and ufeful Dictionary^ now compleated in two Volumes jp(?//^, that before he had acquired his Judgm.ent and Experience, fom.e of his Plants have often been Sufferers thro' this Miiftake ; and he has feen a tall thriving Tree, by the Contafl: only of this venomous Shrub, become porrofefcabiofe, and covered with, fungous Ex- crefcences not unlike the Fruits'of the Ficus Syhejiris ; in which Cafe the Succus alfo has loft both its Coloui* and Virtue ; and the Tree itfelf has fo much partaken of the Nature ofthe venomous Shrub which had hurt it, that itfelf has become venomous, and fpread the Poifon through a whole Plantation.

Thefe Dijie??jpers of a Tree of the greateft

Ufe and Value, have employed the Labours

■^ -^ • ' ■ of


(5)

of the mofl: eminent Botanifls and Gardeners, to feek out Remedies for them : In which, however, none have fucceeded like the late ce* lebrated X^wMtjaubin^ who from his profound knowledge in Botany, has compofed a moft elaborate Work upon all Tubings that can hap-^ pen^ both to the Arbor Vita and Vulvaria alfo : Therein, he has taught a certain Cure for all thefe Evils ; and, what is moil wonderful, has even found out a Way of making the moft venomous Vidvaria itfelf wholelome,. which his Widow praftifes daily, to the Sa- tisfaftion of all w^ho now apply to her.

Thefe venomous Vulvaria are but too com* mon in moft Gardens about London, There are many in St. y^/;/a'sP/2ry4, and more in the celebrated Gardens at Faux-Ha/l^ ow^rth^ Water.

Befides the common Name of Arbor Fifa^ a very learned Philofopher, and great Divine ^ w^ould have it called Arbor Scientice boni & ' mali'i^ believing upon very good Grounds^this is tli^ Tree which grew in the Middle of the Garden of Eden^ and whofe Fruits were fo alluring to our firft Mother. Others would have it c^lkd tht Mandrake of Leab^^Qrfu^idQd it is the fame whofe Juice made the before- t)arren Rachel 2, joyful Mother of Children.

The learned Madam Dacier, in her Notes upon Horner^ contends it fhould be called

§ Mr. Ray.

  • The Tr£e of the Knowledge of Gi^jiand Evil.

Nepenthes,


, (6)

Nepenthes. She gives many Reafons why it certainly is that very Plant, whofe Fruits the Egyptian Queen recommended to HeleUy as a certain Cure for Pain and Grief of all Sorts, and which fhe ever after kept by her as her moft precious Jewel, and made ufe of as a Panacea upon all Occafions.

The great Dr. Bentley calls it, more than once, Machcera Herculisy having proved, out of the Fragments of a Gt^eek Poet, that of this Tree was made the Club with which that Hero is faid to haye overcome the Jifty wild Daughters of Thefpius, but with Queen Ompbale afterwards reduced to a Diftaff. Others have thought the celebrated Hefperian Trees were of this Sort ; an^i the very Name of Poma Veneris, the Venereal- Apples, fre- quently given by Authors to the Fruits of this Tree, is a fuiBcient Proof thefe were really the apples for which three GoddelTes contend- ed in fo warm a Manner, and to which th^ Queen of Beauty had undoubtedly the ftrongr eft Title.

The Virtues are fo many, a large Volume might be wrote of them. The Juice, taken inwardly, cures the Green-ficknefs, and other Infirmicies of the like Sort, and is a true Specific in moft Diforders of the Fair-Sex It indeed often caufes Tumors in the Umbilical Regi- on ; but even thofe, being really of no ill Confequence^ difperfe of themfelves in a few Months.

It


, (7)

It chears the Heart, and exhilerates the Mind, quiets Jars, Feuds and Difcontents, making the moft churlifh Tempers furprifing- ly kind and loving. Nor have private Per- sons only been the better for this reconciling Virtue, but whole Eftates and Kingdoms ; nay, the greateft Empires in the World have often received the Benefit of it -, the moft deftruc- tive Wars have been ended, and the moft friendly Treaties been produced, by a right Application of this U?2iverjal Medicine among the Chiefs of the contending Parties.

If any Perfon is defirous to fee this excel- lent and wonderful Plants that eminent Bota- nift, Mr. Philip Miller^ before mentioned, fhews it in the greateft Perfeftion, under his own Propagation, in the Royal Phyfic-Gar- den at Cheljea: He calls it The Silver-Spoon* Tree \ and is at all times ready to oblige the Ladies with a Sight of it, and readily offers it for their Ufe and Behoof.



An Explanation of the^ Technical Ab- breviations made ufe of in the ^New Descrxption ^" MER- RYLAND.

Page3.1ine6. Mnsvnrs, Mons Veneris. ■ 1. 7. CoxAsiN, Coxa Sinistra. 1. 7. CoxADExT, Coxa DextHa^


p.


6.


1.


30. Pdx,


PODEX.


p.


7-


I.


I. Cpt,


Caput.


p.


II.


1.


7/VscA,


Vesica.


p.


15-


I.


17. Lba,


Labia.




1.


27. Cltrs,


Clitoris.


p.


16


.1.


2. NmpHj


Nymph «i


^—



1.


15. Utks,


Uterus.


p.


17,


1.


9. Hmn,


Hymen.


P-


28.


I.


26. Bby,


BUBBY.


p.


29


1,


14. Pntl,


PlwTEL.


For Farther toncernment, we refer the Reader to Mr. Bailey's Etymological

DiBionary^ Folio, '


OF THE

Situation of Bettyland.


T


"^ H E Country of Bettyland is a Con- _ tinent adjoining to the IJle of Man, having the Ijland of Man wholly under ics JuriJUiBion, It is of {o large an Extent, that it fpreads itfelf thro' All Degrees whatfoever; but the chiefeft Degrees which are known to thofe wiio travel, are from 16 to 45 both of Southern and Northern Latitude : They who fteer by the Rules of Compafs (hall never know the Dimenfions of it. The Planet which rules it, is Veniis^ though fome aver that it lies All wdthin the Tropic oi Capricorn -^ but for that Conftellation which is called Virgo^ thei'e are very few of the Inhabitants of this Coun- try can endure to hear it named ; tlicy w-on- der what that lufty Planet the Stm zdiVi iiave to do with it.

In this vail Empire oi Bettyland^ thei^e ai'e feveral very large Provinces, as the Province of Rutland^ wherein ftands the Metropolis r^t the whole Empire called Pego, the gi eat Pi 0- vince of Bedford, the wide Province of /f7/A Jhire^ the Province of Guelder land very little inhabited, the Province of Slaveonia, the l^rovince of Curland^ the Province of Muh

i3 ^?vm


L


•:J'^->


CM

davtiiy famous for the great City oiLipfick^ the vaft Territory of Croatia^ with the Pro- vince of Holland, a mighty Trad of Lancl under the Command of Count Horn, with many others too long to repeat. There was formerly acertainPromontory or Neck of Land lying in this Country, called the Cape of Good- Hope, but Time has fo utterly defaced it, that there is hardly any fign thereof now remain-


ing.


Of the Soil, of this Country, The Temperature of the Soil is as various as you may imagine any Climate to be, that lies under fo many far diftant Meridia?ts^ fome- times fo Cold (efpecially when it feels the re- frefliing Influences of Wealth and Youth decay) that Winter is more kind ; nay, the very Hearts of the People will be frozen, and a Cart loaden with whole Canon may go over the ftreams of their former Afl^eftion, nothing but Ice of Difdain, Hail-ftones of Malice, and moft bitter Storms of Reproach : Sometimes fo Hot again, that a Man had better be let down in a Basket at the great Hole of Mount Mtna^ than travel in fome Parts of the Coun- try; but touch it fometimes, and you fhalllofc a Member : It is worfe than St. Linocents Church-yard inP^r/j-,whichconfumesdead car- cafes in twenty- four hours, for if a man make ^ Hole in fome Part of the Mold, and put but an Inch of his Flcili in, it will raife fuch a a Flame in his Body, as would make him

think


[ 3 3 think Hell to be upon Earth: to fay truth, the Nature of the Soil is very ftrange, fo that if a Man do but take a Piece of it in his Hand, it will caufe (as it were) an immediate Deli- rium, and make a Man fall flat on his Face upon the Ground, where if he have not a care, heiEoay chance to lofe a Limb, fwallowed up in a "Whirl pit, not without the Effufion of the choiceft Part of the Blood : But for Tillage the Soil is fo proper, and fo delightful it is co manure, that be it fruitful, or be it barren. Men take the greateft Pleafure in the world to plowitandfowit; nay, there are fomev/ho take it for fo great aPaftimejthat they will give i ooo/. and fome 2000 /. a Year for a little Spot in that Country, not fo big as thePaulm of your Hand. Herein it is of a different Naturefrom all other Soils, for though it be fertile enough, yet after you ImvefufRciently plov/ed it and fown it, it requires neither (bowers nor the dew of Heaven, nor puts the Husbandman to the Trouble of Prayers for the Alteration of Weather; yet if the Husbandman be not very careful to tend it and water it himfelf every Night, once or twice a: Night, as they do Marjoram after Sun-fet, he will find a great deal of Trouble all the Year long ; tho' there be a fort of Phiiofophers who underftand the Nature of the Soil very well, who fay that this kind of Husbandry is unna- tural and very inconvenient for the Soil, and that it were far better for a provident Hus- bandman to have Three or Four c^'^ half a do-

B 2 2.. ^


L:


[43 ten Farms one under another, than to fpend fo much Time, Toil and Labour altogether in vain, for thereby many times the Crop comes to nothing, and though it may be very well got l^ff the Ground, and feem fair for the time, yet ^'when you think to have the Benefit of it, you ' fnall fee it afterwards come to nothing, and • moulder away, like a rotting Orange. If the Soil be barren, al| the Dunging in the world will never do it aM good, yet the more barren it is, the more v^iil the Soil cleave and gape for Moifture, the Sgnds of ^r^/^/^ are not fo thii fty 5 if the Soif^rove fruitful, they then fo overitock it with variety of Flowers and Colours, ib tire out Art with Inventions to beautify Nature^ that when Winter comes there is hardly a Leaf left to cover the Ground. As to the Colour of the Soil, you fhall have it very much vary, for in fome Places you fhall meet with, a Sandy Mould, which is generally very rank and very hot in its Temperature, fo that it requires the greateft Labour of all ta manure it ; fometimes you fliall light upon a kind of a JVhite Chalk or miarly kind of a Soil, not fo difficult to manure, and befides, the Heart of the Ground will be foon eaten out> fometimes you meet with a Brown Mould, which is of two forts, either light Brown, or dark Brown. Husbandmen generally take great delight in manuring either of thefe, for the Air is there generally wholefome, and not


C53

fo mucli annoyed with Morning and Evening Fogs and Vapours as the former ^befides that, the Husbandman fhall be fure to have his penny- worth out of them, for they will feldom lie fallow 3 take which you will, but if you meet with a Black'Soih be fure you take fhort Leafes, and fit at an eafy Rent, left your Back pay for the Tillage, for you mufl labour there Night and Day, and all little enough : To tell you the truth, chufe which of them you will, it is a curfed expenfive thing to manure any of them ^// according as the Soil requires, ef^ pecially in the Northern Parts of the Country, where the generality of the Husbandmen feem to have forfeited their Difcretion in this Par- ticular, as if the very Air of the Soil in thofe Parts had a kind of bewitching Charm to de- prive them of their Senfes. Thcfe Soils, if they pi*GVe- very fruitful indeed, fhall fometimes bring you Three Crops at a time, fometimes Twojbut generally One ; a ftrange fort of Har- veft, for it confifts chiefly in Majidrakes^ they bring forth both Male and Fe?7iale, which are very tender when they appear firft above ground, and muft be tended more diligently than Miisk'Melons in Cold weather, but if they overcome their firft Tendernefs, they grow as hardy as Burdocks, and will over-run a Country like jferiifalem-Artichoaks, Thefe Mandrakes arc. very much efteemed by the generality of Husbandmen, who do very much lament theLofs of their Crop, which

many


[ 6 } many times mifcarries after it is come out of the Earth, for it is very often blafted, and fometime (through the Carelefnefs of idle Huf- wifes their Maid Servants) fwept out of doors, and thrown into Houfes of Office, where (though Ma?2*s Dung be counted the heft of all Dungs) thefe Plants will never thrive after- wards: Thofe Husbandmen who delight in Gardens, jBnd many Flowxrs there, growing very agreeable to the Nature of every one of the foregoing Soils ; among the reft, they bear Batchelors-Buttojjs very familiarly, there is alfo great ftore of * Lcue lies a bleedings but above all fweet Williams^ and ^ Trickle me ■quickly are to be found there, in great abun- dance ; fometimes (though very rarely here and there) you may find fome few flips of Fati- ence^ Flower-Gentle^ and Flearts-eafe^ but Fue • grows up and down as thick as Grafs in //r- land-^ there are alfo great quantities of Ti772e^ but the People of the Country flightly efteem it, and make very little ufe of it. ,

Of their Fowl, Beasts, Fish, Sec.

Fowl they have in great plenty, but above all^ the moftinfinite flights of /^F^^/^Z/ithatever were feen in any Country in the World. Beajls they have nonebut wl^t are Horned, except the Hare and CGne)\ but thefe are enough toftock the Country, were it as large again as it is.

  • Two Songs much m Vogue dunng^ths Reign of

King Char hi II.

There


\*^i


C7] There is but one great River to water the whole Land, befides two fending Pools, which they can, upon any Occafion, let out and drown all the Country, which is the Reafon they have very few jF//2>, but infinite Numbers o^-Crabs^ Carps are grown fo common, they are hardly worth taking notice of, and indeed there is little Need of Ftjlo^ for the Husbandmen be- ing given to Labour, have good Stomachsj and are altogether for Flefb.

Its Prospect.

The whole Country of Bettyhnd fliews you a very fair Profpedl, which is yet the more delightful, the more naked it lies ; it makes the fineft Landfcapes in the World, if they be taken at the full Extents and many of your rich Husbandmen will never be without them hanging at their Bed -fides, efpecially. they who have no Barms of their own, merely that they may feem to enjoy what they have not : Some there are who fo really believe they poflefs the Subftance by the Sight of the Shadow, that they fall to till and manure the very Pifture with fuch Strength of Imagina- tion, that it is a hundred Pounds to a Penny they do not fpail it with their Inftruments of Agriculture : Others never fo lazy, or never fo tired before, upon the Sight of one of thefe Landfcapes, {hall revive again, and go as frefh and lufl:y to their Labour as if they never had been weary, I could wifh thefe Cufl:oms were

left


\sSBi^iS^


en

left off, of hanging theft Landlcapes by the Husbandmen's Bed-fides, for the Confequen- ces thereof are very mifchievous, feeing that it caufes them to defire and covet one anor ther's Farms with that Eagernefs, as if they were in open Hoftility with the T^enth Com- tnandment \ fo that where they cannot get the Profped itfelf, they will have a Landfcape, and occupy one another's Eftate in Conceit: In a Word, the ProfpeO: of Bettyland is fo grateful, fo pleafing to the Eye, that the Country would be over-run with Inhabitants, had not wife Nature put a Stop to that Extra- vagancy which fhe forefaw in Man by the Badnefs of the Air, which is univerfally not fo delicious in any Region oi Bettyland^ as it is iii Arabia Falix ; for neither in Spring-time, which is the Seafon whereof we now difcourfe, nor in Summer-time, can the Air be very much commended, efpecially if the Wind be any thing high, which has made many Men ad- mire why the Poets fhould be fuch Lyers and Sycophants to talk as they do ; for fome have not ftuck to affirm that the Perfumes of Betty- land are beyond all the Odours of the Eaft ; which how true it is, I will appeal to the very Nofes of the Poets themfelves, who I know are as well skilled in the Country of ^ettyland as any Husbandmen in the World \ ypx can any Body have the Confidence to con- tradia what I fay, that fhall ftay but a (Quarter of an Hour in any Place where the




[ 9 )

Thrcfhcrs have been lately at work. This was the Reafon that the Poets would never let the Gods (who were as great Farmers as ever lived in Bettyland) lie upon any other Beds than Beds of Rofes^ and always per- fumed the Air aS; they, went with the richeft Odours they could think of : But in thcWinter and Autumn Seafons there is no enduring the Country i the Prdfpeflt is not worth one Farthingj the Ways grow deep and rugged, the Land grows Barren; there is little or no Pleafure in Tilling the Ground, and the Un- wholefomnefs of the Air increafes, which is Very bad for tliofe that hold their Farms by longLeafes; yet fo feverely are lome Husband- men tied by their Leafes, cfpecially in the Northern Parts of this Country, that there is no avoiding them | yet fomc there are who ivill, for all thatj privately hire a New-Farm, perhaps fuch a-one where neither Spade or Dibble entered before, and then they let the old one lie fallow ;, wherein if they aflt cauti- pullyj they may do well enough ; but if the Landlord of the Old Farm come to know of it^ and fue upon the Covenant of the Old Leafe, God blefs us ! you would think Heaven and Earth v/ere going together, you would fwear all the Lapland Witches were exercifing their Sorceries in Bettyland-^ fuch Storms, fpch Tempefts, fuch Thunder, fuch Light- ening, fuch Apparitions, enough to fcare the poor Plow^ jogger out of his wits: by-and-by

C thi©



[ JO 3

the Landlady enters upon the New Farm

in the Devil's Name, tears down all before

her, makes fuch a Disfigurement of the Pro-

fpeft, and digs up the very Surface of the

Soil itfelf with fo much Indignation, Havock

and Deftruftion, that you would think her to

be quite raving mad; yet there fliall be no /w-

feacbment of Wafte againfl^ her, fo ftriftly is

the Husbandman bound by the Covenants of

his L^^^andnonfenficalCf//?^/«2/'//?d' Country ^

at which time if ye chance to tell any of thefe

Landladies of the Civil-Law^ they'll prefent-

\y fpit m your Face.

Ohjlmacy of the People.

Can you change the Nature af the Soil ? no more can you change the Nature of the Husbandmen, for tho' you thruft Nature back with a Fork, flie will pufh forwards again : if they manure their Farms well, and you fee the Fields full and fair, and fwelling with Grain, if they make them bear their Crops in Seafon, what is it to you how many Farms they have, how long or how little they hold them, efpecially when there are fo many gap- ing aifter Reverfions ? Were it in a Country where there are more Farmers than Farms, I grant you there w^re fome Reafon for what you fay ; but every Man of Reading knows that Betty land is a Country where there arc Ten Farms for One Farmer, and it is great

pity


pity that any Farm fliould lie fallow for want of manuring. Now when one Farmer takes one Farm for Pleafure, another for Profit, that Farmer takes two ; when anotherFarmer takes one Farm for Profit, another for Pleafure, and ^another upon good liking, he takes three ; and fo all the Farms come to be occupied : As for being Tenants at Will^ and fo leaving their Farms when they will, it is not a farthing mat- ter, for let one Husbandman leave aFarm to Day, another will take it to Morrow; on the o- ther fide, you mufl: confider, that tho' a Hus- bandman have one, two, or three Farms to himfelf, yet there is no Farmer in Bettyland can inclofe his own Ground all the Year long by the Cujiom of the Country, but that, from Lammas to St. P^w/'s-tide, it muft lie com- mon for die Benefit of his Neighbours, which is allowed in Law, and is called Common be- caufe of Neighbourhood: nay, more than that, there is hardly a Farm in Bettyland, where there is not fome Ground that lies com- mon all the Tear long ; fo that if the poor Husbandman had not fome private Inclofures to rely on, his Cafe were the worft Cafe of all the Cafes in the world : to fay truth, there is fo much Common in Bettyland, that a Husbandman is not to be blamed to get as much Inclofure as he can : and more than this, when tlie Ground begins once to lie common^ \t receives all the Beafts in Nature, not ex- C ^ cepttng


m^'


C I? ] cepting Sw/W, Geefe and Goafs^ which all p- ther Commons admit not of^

Game of the Country.

The whole Country of Betty land lies very low, which is the reaibn' that there is hardlj^ a Farm in any Part of it without a Decoy, iior is the Cunning oith^Decoy-Ducks lels no- toriouSj for they" exceed all other Decoy- Ducks in Wiles and Subtilty; There is not a Widgeon in ail the Country but has a Decoy-^ Duck to wait upon him, and they lay their Trains fo artfully, that it is impoiiible to e- fcape them; and as they are very cunning, fo they are very cruel, for they nevv r get a Gull into their Decoy ^ but they pull off all his Fea/- thers; thefe Decoys are ibme of them Natu- ral, fome Artificial ; there is not a pin to chufe betwixt them, for they are both plaguy devouring things, and clear all the Country before them, of whatever Game they leek al- ter. Orpheus in his Argonautics, ipcaking of a great Decoy-Duck in hi.^ time (which the People of fi^/zy^W called by the name of CIR CEj fays that fhe was fo curioufly kt 6ut^>j- ^ocpx TToivres iafJcCeov eia-opooivrei* That all Men admired her that beheld het\ and were fo JlupifiediiDith thefght of her Gaiety that they could make no Refjta?ice againft her \ for, adds

the fame Author, a "^oxparo 5 y^^ e^eipx-

'STopa-alis cL%Tipeviv aAQ7cioi'7ioi)pm'70j her Golden Feathers JJoone like the Sun-beams, Nor do they

cry



[ 13 3 cry like other Ducks^ for they have nx)ft de- licate A^'oices, and can fing far beyond' any Nightingales. ' ' /

There is ho Country in the world that has ■Decoy-Ducks like Bettyland^ being a Rarity no where elfe to l^e found : were there not ib many of them, you would verily take them to be Phcenixes^ for they are maiiy times burnt in their own Ncfts. This Decoy- Duck called CIRCE had like to have fpoil- ed us two of the beft Stories we have extant ; Homers ULTSSES, ^n^irgiPs MNEAS, for this very Duck had like to have drawn the two great Heroes of the world, Ulyjfes and M^ neaSj into the Decoys of Betty land^ to the ruin of all the Projeflis of the very GODS them- felves.

There was another Decoy-Duck no lefs fa- mous than the former, which was called Af£- £)£yf, adamnd mifchievous 5/r^, tho' for the Beauty of her Wings faid to be the SUN'S Grand-child : for whatever Garne fhe gets into her X)^^^;', fhe utterly ruins; and therefore Nicander^ a great Farmer in5^//y/^;?^, and the High-Conftable's Fellow forKnowledge of the Country gives his Fellow-Husbandmen very good Caution, for faith he— — ■

If dpoor Hujbandman comes to be trapped into one of her Decoys,

— '• • •■ ' 8 7r«pc& 'X?^'^^ '


C 14 ]

th poor Widgeon had better a thoufand timei have fallen into the Poulterer s hands.

From thefe two famous Decoy-Ducks, have the whole Brood of Bettyland learnt all their Wiles and cunning Tricks, and if any thing of Nature be wanting, they have all their Knick-knacks, all their Poftures, Gcftures, Trickings and Trimmings imaginable to help Nature ; for they know as well as can be, how weakly thofe Avenues to the Underftanding (the Eyes and Ears) are guarded, and there- fore they chiefly lay their Trains there : if they fee a Widgeon or a Gull pafs by, they will fpread their Tails like fo many Peacocks^ and fet the poor filly Birds a flaring like fo many Country Bumpkins at a Coronation. By-and^ by comes a Flight of Dotterels, and then they let up their Throats and fing ; and fing and fly, and fly and fing; fo that thtfooliJh'Fowl.bt--. witcht with their ^^//-pipes, follow their Bird-calls to whatever Inconveniences they are minded to carry them into. Some are of opinion , that it is an eafy thing to avoid thefe Decoys : but how can th^t be, when we find that both UlyJJes and Mneas were forced to have fbme GOD ox other always tied to their Tails to keep them out of harm's way ? Some? therc are indeed, who by dint of main Pru- dence efcape the Danger, but for one of thefe there are a thoufand others who have nothing but their dear-bought Experience to preferve them : And for one of thefe, Ten Thoufand

morQ


f *5 ]

mofe that will fufFer themfelvcs to be Decoyed twenty times over, till they have not one Feather to cover their Tails ; for the Nature of thefe Decoys is fuch, that tho' they feed a fimple Husbandman (who all the while ne- gle&s the manuring of his Own Farm) with luch Pleafure and Content, yet they confume and wafte both Body and Purfe moft defpe- rately and infenfibly : defperately, becaufe injurably ; infenfibly, becaufe the filly Hus- bandman, wallowing in prefent Delight, nei- ther confults or minds approaching Misfor- tune : yet if a Gull or 2iT>otterel^ or a Widgeon^ have a mind to be revenged upon a Decoy^ Duck that has been too cunning for him, there is a way to do it, by fetting another Decoy-- Duck upon Her.

Thus when the Decoy-Duck Medea would have Decoyed the greateft Farmer in all Betty -^ land (even Jupiter himfelf) Juno^ who was Jupiter s Decoy-Duck^ took and wrung off her Neck; and furely Juno ferved her well enough for a proud Quinftrel as (he was, that fpent all the morning in laying her Nets, if we may believe Apollonius Rhodius^ another great Far- mer in Bettyland^ who defcribes her,

brimming and pruning her Feathers by the Sea* fide^ that is to fay, fitting before a great Looking-Glafs in her Smock-fleeves, with her Hair diflievelled, and her Neck and Breafts bare, expecting the coming of the great

Farmer


X i6 ] FaiTOer Jupiter^ but Jiino prevented them both, as yoii have heard : fo much for the Decoys of Bettyland.

Of the ANTicryiTY of this Country,

For the Antiquity of the Countty we need hot go far to fearch it out: no fooner was there any Light delivered to theWorld byLet- ters, but the firft Difcovery <vhich was made, was tlidt of Eettyland: what it was before

  • nay be eafily conjeatibedj but in the time of

the Greek and Roman POETS, it was a floti- rifhing Kingdom even in. Heaven it felf, con- taining all that large TraQ: which was iri Qreckc^^d. 'Ovpxvoi : nay, even Calus him- fel.^, from whorti HeaVen was called Cc^lu'm^ \vas a Farmer in that Country^ and fp great a Husbandman, fo great and fo induftrioiis a Manurer of liis Farms, that Orphens calls him ^OvfOLvcv 7rayyivhib)^ay Ufiiverfal PrGpagater i And by the Latin Poet he is faid

. — Fcecundis Imbriius

Conjugis in Gremium Im^ dejiendere. ^ And how he ftockt the World with Man- drakes^ you may eafily read in Hejiod^ who in his Theogony wrote of the Celejiial Agricul- ture^ as Markha?n among us wrote of ^erre^, firial Husbandry .

Saturn alfo was a great Husbandman In the Celeftial Part of Bettykjid^ and becaufe he

  • To drop down in:o the Lap 6i his trar.rpOrted Confort, in

|>roli£c Showers;

lived


f 17 ]

lived upon his Means, was therefore faid to eat his Own Children : But f9r Jupiter^ he was certainly the greateft Husbandman that ever was in the whole World, for he had Farms in both Bettyhmds^ and was fo induftri- ous and fo indefatigable in Manuring and Tilling them, that he left no Stone unturned of w^hich he could make any Advantage : And therefore Arafus^ who was a kind of an Al- manack Maker to the Celeftial Farmers, fays of him with a great deal of Flattery,

fo that there was not a publicHigh-way,not a Market-place in all the Country which he left unploughed: Nay, the very Sea^ Rivers and Lakes were full of his Husbandry ; by that you may guefs that he left a great Stock be- hind him. The fame Poet feems alfo to inti- mate that he was the Founder (as much as we fay Jupiter was the firft Husbandman ia. the World) of Bettylandy as N i rjirod w2iStho Founder of the Babylo?iiJh Empire ; for faith he in the beginning of his Poem^ a Jove Principium. Apollonius gives us a rotable Charadler of him :

KgU'W •}/ap cLU Tabs f^pyx jM^/^Xiv

'H avP ocD'XvcLJai'i v\) ^-sIyi^v laveiVo He had at all times a Regard to the Happi- nefs as well of the Mortal as the ItnmortaL He was fo great a Husbandman that there was not a Farm cither in the Terreftrial or D Celeftial




[ i8 ]

Celeftial Bettylajid^ but he would be thrufting his Spade into it ; to tell the Truth, all the Poets Fables concur to fhew you the Original, Increafe, and vaft Extent of the Country of Bettjland\ fuch are the Stories of C(^/«5,y«//* ter^ Saturn^ Venus^ PriapuSy Adonis^ Bacchus^ Ariftiusj (too long to repeat)all greatHusband- men, who kept their Ploughs going Day and Night. As to theTerreftrial^^//)'/^;^^, what think you of that mofl applauded Farmer Hercules? who lb many Ages ago Ploughed and Sowed 50 large Farms in one Night : what Havock, what Killing and Slaying of the poor Greci- ans^ what a Deftruftion of Unhappy Troy^ and all for one unhappy Farm * belonging to that City Menelaus laid Claim to ! What think ye of Demojihenes^ who fo many Years fince' gave for the PofTeffionof a fmall Farm, lying about Athens, only for one Night, as Gellius records, above Three Hundred Pounds.

In what a flourifhing Condition was the Country of Bettylajid in the time of Menan- der^ Arijlophanes^ Anacreon^ Plant us ^ Te- rence^ Tibullus^ Ovid, Martial^ and Petronius^ who all wrote of the Husbandry and Tillage of their Times ? In the Infancy of the World, Priapus had fo IngrofTed all the Farms in the Country Lampfacus^ a Fair Territory oi Bet- ty land, by Reafon of the unufual Aftivity, kargenefs and Strength of his Plough^ that

the


[ 19 ]

die Countrymen confpired agalnft him for Monopolizing their Livings. I might infill longer upon the Antiquity of Bettyland^ but that I am apt to believe there is no Man fo fimple to queftion it. They may as well de- ny the Siin^ who was no fooner made, but he fell to Tilling and Cultivating the vaft and moft Immenfe Fields of Natures for the whole Region of Bettyland holds of Nature as her chief Soveraign and Emprefs, and the Sun as her fole Steward to gather her Quit-Rents, provide Tenants, and lett Livings 5 and there- fore if you come to any Farmer in Bettyland^ and ask him how he came to take fuch AffeQi- on to the Husbandry of that Couatry, he will make Anfwer prefently, it is natural to him : And for any Soil to bear that Seed which is proper for it, That all the World knows to be Natural. Now as to the Force of Nature's Impulfe, I fhall fay more when I come to the Religion of the Country. See- ing then it is the Impulfe of Nature that moves the Husbandmen of Bettylajid to take upon them that Toifand Labour which they undergo Night and Day, jQiouId they be blamed for what they cannot avoid ? rather there ought a way to be found out for the Ei> couragement of thefe Moilers and Toilers ; for tho* all Men are prone to be Drudges in Bettyland^ yet the Husbandry of the Coun- try is quite out of Order ^ there is no Method at all obferved amongft them; a moft won- D 2 derful




( 20)

derful Thing, that In fo vaft a CoiintrY and fplong ContiniLiance,there never yet was found any Region wherein the Husbandry of Betty- land was fo exa£Hy ordered,as in that fmall Part of it w^hich was once called Centilepa^ for it is obferved in that Part of Bettyland^ the Price of Farms ran always very low \ the only Way to reftore the Decay of B^'Z/j'/^W' Husbandry : therefore we read of one very rich Farmer there, who bought a very fair Farm in that Country for 30 Changes of Raiment, and of another great Farmer who bought a Royal- Farm in the fame Place for 100 Fore-skins; a very inconfiderable Price, confidering what poor Farmers are forced to give now a? days.

The Druids in the Ifland of Brifanfiia^ a very large Part of Bettyla?2d^ aimed at this very thing when they Entailed their Lands upon their Male-Majidrakes^ had they En-? tailed their Subftance in Money as well as in Land, they had hit the Mark : It is admira- ble, that in a Country of lb much Freedom as Bettyla77d is, and Governed by Conftitutions fo far different from other Countries, Land- lords fliould be fo egregioufly led aftray, to give fwch vaft Sums of Money to put off their Farms, though ever fo Fruitful, or ever io Flourijfhing : For the /kf^r>^ of Portions,though |c be fpread ever fo thick upon a Bettyland Farm, avails nothing to the Fertility thereof; rather^it is the greate|l Inconvenience in the

Voria



C 21 )

World to a Bettyland Parmer, for he under* ftanding that there lies a Silver or a Gold- Mme in fuch a Farm, or fuch an Hefperian-- Orchard is laden with Golden j^pples^\sji\\ have at th^m by Hook or by Crook, let them be watched ever fo carefully by thofe She-Dra- gjons called Boardi?7g-School'Miflre(Jes ; befides that, if they had looo Eyes, there is a Way to lay thofe She- Argus s alleep: And when all comes to all, neither Or chat nor Farm are agreeable to his Mind, or fit for Tillage ; nay, inany times the Ground proves Barren, Mar- fliy, Unwholfome, Rank, and Mountainous > fo that there is no Profit nor Pleafure in Manuring or DrelTing it : Whereas if thofe Allurements lay not before the Eyes of the Husbandman, he would chufe the moft -De- lightful Profpcfls, the moft fruitful Soils ; and the Subftance of the Country being contraded into the Hands of the Husbandmen only, would make the Farmers more able to main- tain their Husbandry -, then you fliould hear none of thofe- common Complaints of Land- lords, by Reafon of their Farms lying upon their Hands; nay, you fhould not fee anindiiv Cerent F^rm in all the Country of Bettyland lie wafte and ruinous for want of Tillage ; Whereas now how many fail' delicate fruitful Soils lie fallow ? How many beautiful Or- chats lie undreft, becaufe they either want SiherrMineSy or are not laden \wit\\.Golde72' ^fples. Another great IJifcoyragement to

th^


( 22 )

the Husbandly of Bettyland is this, that the

extreme Folly of the Husbandmen themfelves is not fome way reftrained ; for they having obtained a rich Farm, doat upon it with fo much Vanity, that they fpend itiorc Labour and Coil upon one Farm, than would ferve to maintain 40 good Farms in full Heart : fo that divide a Farmer's whole Subftance in 6 Parts, he fhall wafte and confume 5 Parts and | upon I iinglc Farm, which is a great Caufe of the general Impoverilhment of the Betty- land Husbandmen. Then comes a 3 J, and as grievous a Difcouragement as any ; for thefe rich Soils, by Reafon of their Richnefs, grow Rank and Proud, and then the poor Husband- man is fo plagued with Weeds^ Nettles^ and Wild'Artichoah^ that none can imagine it, but they who Feel the Trouble : You fliall fee nothing but the gay Poppies that kill and burn up his profitable Harveft; and which is worfi-of all, the poor Farmer is left without Remedy: For in the Norther?! Parts of Betty- land there is no help ; pull them by the Roofs^ Jie cannot, they are got fo Deep in the Earth ; let him take a Weeding-hook in his Hand, and the wholeCountry cries out uponhim j and befides all this, Petronius

Lex armatafedet circumfera limina Nupta,

^he Stream of the Law ru?7s quite againji the Farmers^ for the Law is fo careful to pre- vent


[23 ]

vent Wafte and Deftruftion, that it will nat admit of gentle Pruning, for fear fome of the more impatient Sort fhould thence take an occafion not only to injure, but confound their Farms.

Of the Temper of the Inhabitants,

Having thus given you a Defcriptionof the Country, it may not be amifs to fliew you fomething of the Nature of the Inhabitants. They are generally very amorous^ or rather univerfally given to Lcve\ which, according to the Interpretation of fome of the Sages, is as much as to fay Libidinous : For, theTem«  per of Mandrakes^ both Male and Female^ is for the moft part both hot and moiji, which are the Principles of Generation^ v/hich is the principal Foundation of all Love\ that is to fay, of that which is generally reputed to be Lo'-oe^ which by another Name is called De- frey as hinted by the Poet,

Nil amor eft aUudVeneris qiiarn parca vokiptas, ^(zfmul expleta eft iifinita or a Rubor, ^

For you muft know, there is no true and real Love m the u^hole Country of Betty land^ and therefore there w^as never any Shepherd that loved a Shepherdeft with that Height aad

  • Love is but another Name for the fcantv zr>A f;a3fr>eful

Pieafure of Venery.

true


[ 24 1 true AffeEiion^ as Shepherds have Xosi^^^hep^ herds-, never had Husbandman fomuchKind* nefs for the xi&it^Farm^ the moft beautiful ProfpeB^ the moft fruitful and mod agreeable Sotl'm Bettyland^ as Damon had for Pythias- 3 The feus never had that Affcflion for Ariadne ^ as he had for Pirithous. Nor fliall the Stovy of Orpheus ftand in my way, tho' he ftred Pluto for a Farju whicli Perjephone had taken from him : For if Eiirydice was his Soul, I cannot blame him^ that he followed the Crowd of hhBrotker-Harpers toHell when fhe was de- parted : But take liim how you pleafe,^;^^ Swal-- low makes no Summer^ and the Reafon is plain; for the Inhabitants oi Betty lafidlovQ one ano- ther, not out of any true AffeSion, but for the Hopes of Reward and S>eJf-jatisfaBion\ which RewardovSatisfaBiond^c^yin^, through Age or Infirmities, the great Love, which WdiSJuJi 9I0W, cools in a Moment^ like the Fat ofVenifon: And therefore Bf?i^/y/^;'/^- Love is but a hot Degree and eager Purfuit after Plea- fure, which increafes fometimesto that height, that both Shepherds and Shepherdejjes feem to be 7nad', which was the reafon that when Jupi- ter took away the fair Shepherdefs Europdy out of Terrejirial-Bettyland, the Poets feign- ed him to be turned into a BuUjXhQ moftlaf- civious and impetlous of any Creature in the Purfuit of his Amours. No lefs did this Fury appear formerly in the female Inhabi- tants of Bettylandy while Semiramis raged for

the


C ^5 3

the Embraces of her Son, and Pafiphae roar- ed for the Pizzle of a Bull -, and no queftion, but the Temper of that little Spot of Gi-ound belonging to the Shephcrdefs Mefj'alina^ ftill continues wearied, but not faciated, tho' it had been plowed and harrrowed 25 times in 24 Hours. Were you but to behold the many Sacrifices of Luft, the many Marty i-doms of female Paftime ; would but your refer\^d Nurfes, Chamber-maids, and Apothecaries, but vouchfafe to open the Cabinets of their Breafts, how many regal Paftes, incarnating Eleftuaries, reftoring Potions, they give in a Year ; you would then, foon be acquainted with the Nature of Betty land-hovQ^ whidi is fo far from being trueLo've^ that it is only a continual Praftice of Surprize : The Flames of Defire, like a Candle, difcovering the fe- cret Paths and Labyrinths which the Shep- herds and Shepherdeffes of all Sexes, Ages, Degrees, and Humours, chufe in purfuit of their amorous Defigns.

Thus we find the Love of the Shepherds in Bettyland to be moi*e fierce, of the Shepher- dejfes to be more conftant ; how Youth loves wantonly, old Age ridiculoufly : They who are poor ftrivc to pleafe by Officioufnefs and continual Duty, the Rich oblige by Gifts, the middle Sort put their Confidence in Invitati- ons, Fifh-Dinners, and Spring-Gar de7i Col- lations; the nobler Sort of Arcadians^ in Mafques and Operas, The wanton Lover i'^

E all


all for obfequious Admiration, for Songs, , Je[ts, and Tales ; Jealoufy makes bim as me- lancholy as an old Cat ; Defpair hurries him to Revenge, to Scandal and Reproach, and many times to attempt Violence : Enjoyment irakeshimdefpIfeherFondnefs, and as much defire another. Others are a long time before they grow warm, but being once inflamed, they fpare no Coll: Jealoufy makes him co- vetous ; where he miffes his Aim, he returns Contempt. Some pretend a world of Kind- nefs, others diffemble and conceal their Flames, to be more beloved than they are; and fome can love without being jealousy fome are for a Merry-Wench, not regarding Beauty ; o- tbers love a fober, others a confident Behavi- our. Some by fpending their Time altoge- ther in the Afltion of Love; other Sj tho' late, when they have fpent their whole Eftates, return to their Series again. With fuch Va- riety of PalTions does Bcttyland Love tran- fport the Minds of her Inhabitants.

As for Matrimony, the true Natives of Bettyland^ neither Male nor Female, do ad- mire it ; for tlie old Sages of the Country fay^

Uxor em — -Kofa Cinnamoiniim veretm\ ^iicquid quderitur optimufn videtur, -p


\ Nature being averfe to Rcftraint, Men are prone to take moil Dellgbt \i\ things which are unlawriiL

And


r


1 27 3

And indeed the Fetters of Ceremony arc utterly difagreeable to the frank Humour of ^ the Inhabitants of this Country, for they be- i ing a lefs Sort of People, rejeO: all Laws ot Convenience, when they are repugnant to their own Appetites; and falfly miftakingthe InjlinB of Nature, for the haw of Nature^ as idly cry out, that the Lavj of Convenience iliuft fubmit to the Law of Nature^ which makes Ufe of Laws of Convenience^ to put a Nil ultra to Exorbitance ; but like Phkggus in Virgil^ preaching in Hell^ with his difcite Jtiftitiam moniti, — what does this grave Cof- mographer do here, talking to a Company of hair-brainM Mad-caps ? Epicures, with Gad- bees in their Tails ? Who following the Ex- amples of the greateft Husbandmen and Houfewives in the World, as of Hannibal at Capua^ Achillea and Brifiis^ Ccefar and Cleo^ fatra, Hercules and lole^ Ladijlaus of Poland^ Charles VIII. and thoufands more, will never be induced to believe, that fo famous and fo many Husbandmen could err, nor ever beper-^ fuaded to fwerve from manifold Examples, ef* pecially,

Magnis cu7nfubea?it animos autoribus. ^

And therefore a great Author, fpeaking of the chiefeft Husbandmen in Betty land^ calls a

  • \Yhin they improve their Notions by great Authors.

E 2 Sardo^


V


[ 28 1 Sardonifh Smile upon all thofe that flhould en- deavour to work a Reformation in that Coun- try, accounting it as ridiculous a Labour, as for ^takers to attempt to convert the Pope ; for faith he^ — —

Tarn levia habentur a Pudecs matrimonii ju^ ra^ ut prce hbito veras uxores repudiajit^ mutent at que permiitent^ filios Jiliajque toi Niiptiis copiilant & recopu/ant, ut nefcire, rogamur ubi verwn cobcereat illprum Ma-' trimonium. ^

As for that Thing called £5^^^/% theHus? bandmen of Bettyiand fpurn it under their Feet, and call him Bocca de porco, who firft made mention of it; for fay they, if you weigh in a juft Ballance^ the Ma jelly of Maf- cuiine-Form, the Latitude of his Underftand- ing, the Preheminence of his Original, the Povi^er of his a£i:ual Frotedion, with the chiefeft Ferfeftions of the Female-Sex ; what will become of that Hen-peckt Encomium of Equality? They add farther, th'^tJgrippa^ for his Treatife deFracellentiafcemineiJexits'^ ought to have made as public a Recantation, is he did for his Books of Occult Philofophyi

  • The Ps.i^bts of Matrimony are fo lightly efteenied in

Bettyiand^ that they cail: o£ and interchange their Wives at Pleafure, and' fo frequently 'intercouple their Sons and Daughters, that 'lis hard to pronounce in V/hat their true Wedlock confifts.

If




t^9l

If their Admirers objeO: the incomparable Fai-? bricature of that particiilar Part where Gene- ration is concern'd, ^tis no more than if you fhould admire that riiofl: curious Piece of Na- ture's Workmanfhip, the Head of a Ffy, which is all the while but the Head of a Fly.

Thus you fee Opinions were always at War one with another, and it is only the Clue of Underftanding, that muft lead you thro' the vaft Labyrinths of National-Cuftoms. The Native Shepherdefes of Betfyland Defire vehe- f^ently^ Love but indifferently and very uncon^ fiantly: Yet, whether they Lai;^, or whether they Jlate^ they will diffemble with the moft Politic Shepherd that ever was known in Ar^ cadia.

But where they do Love out of AffeBion (which is very feldom) they will venture thro' Fire 2Sidi Waters \ have known, faid Eu^ molphiiis^ when a Shepherd has been caft into i^rifon for a Crime that deferved Death, his Partner'Shepherdefs has procured his Efcape, and been condemnM in his ftead, as the Law in fome Part of Bettyland recjuires. Their Tongues are the moft certain Evidence of perpetual Motion^ If a Thing may be faid to move that never lies ftill: And the Subjeas of their Difcourfe, the higheft Secrets in Na- ture. Such are the Myfteries of Combing and fiading Hair, of Wajhes for their Faces ^ large Comments upon New Gowns ; Cenfures upon one another's Dreffing zw^ Behaviour -^ Punc- tilio's



[ 30 ] tillio^s o^Ceremo?iies when to give the Z//,and when to give the Cheek ; Dcfcants upon the Warmth or Coldnefs of their Shephe-rds Af-^ feSfions : When they grow Old, then they will fpend their Time in telling hov/ Handfome they were when Young. How many Amyn^ //7x Courted them, and how many poor Shep- herds broke their Hearts for them : But if a Shepherd difpkak them, they will ring him fudi a Peal as will make his Ear tingle ; but on the other fide, they are very good-natured, for if you do but now and then give them a fine Gown^ or Petticoat^ a rich Looking-Glqfs^ a Set of ChairSy or any fuch Bauble, you jQiall win their very Hearts : Give them but a PearU Neck-Lace, and count how many Pearls there be upon the String, they (hall give you fo many Kijjes for them ; which is a great Sign of a tender Difpofition. They have an ex-^ cellent Art of making Horns, at which they are very, induftrious, fo that many of them get good Livings by it ; and as for AJirologyy there is none of your Bookers or Lillies could ever come near them ; for they will tell ^ Shepherd\{is VovtMno. to a Hair's Breaddi ; tQ which purpofe they will lie an Hour together, fometimes, upon their Backs, contemplating the Motions of the Stars.

Many of your Bettyland ShepherdelTes are deeply Learned, for having nothing elfe to do as they fit upon the Plains, they are always leading CaJJaJidra^ Cleopatra^ Grand-Cyrus,^

Amadii.


mk



t 3i 1 Amadis de Gaul^ Hero and Leander^ the Schoo! of Venus y and the reft of the Female-Claffic^; by which they are mightily improved both in Pra5iice and Converfation. Put them to their fhifts, and they are the Beft in the World, at an Intrigue or Stratagem. Ah ! ,fays the poor Soldier in Patronius^ who had neglefted his Duty, to comfort a difconfolate Shep^ berdefsy ^ who had been bewailing the Death of her dear Melibceus for three Weeks together; ^' Here whilel have been fpending ray Time to comfort Thee the moft diftreffed Shepherdefs in the World, they have ftole the Criminal from the Crofs, whom I was fet to watch, and now muft I be crucified for him -^ But fhe relieved him prefently ; " Rather than fo, (quoth Ihe with Tears in her Eyes) here take my poor beloved Shepherd, and hang Him up in the other's Place, Death makes no Di- ftindion of Faces.

  • The Ephefian Matron.



■itai


m






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