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"New Matrimonial Plan", The Spirit of the Public Journals for 1799: Being an Impartial Selection of the Most Exquisite Essays and Jeux d'Esprits, Particularly Prose, That Appear in the Newspapers and Other Publications, ed. Stephen Jones, (London: 1805) pp 329-31. Retrieved on 2008-06-05

Full text of volume 9

VETVS& TESTA NOVVM MENIVM DELSV MINE -VIGE ! PRINCETON UNIVERSITY LIBRARY

6 M"" 1 DUNATEY BY TRACANTILE LIBRARY A 50626 NEW YORK CITY THE SPIRIT OF THE PUBLIC JOURNALS FOR 1805. BEING AN IMPARTIAL SELECTION OF THE MOST INGENIOUS ESSAYS AND JEUX D'ESPRITS THAT APPEAR IN THE NEWSPAPERS AND OTHER PUBLICATIONS.

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WITH EXPLANATORY NOTES AND ANECDOTES OF MANY OF THE PERSONS ALLUDED TO. VOL. IX. To be continued Annually. LONDON: PRINTED FOR JAMES RIDGWAY, NO. 170, PICCADILLY, OPPOSITE BOND STREET. 1806. R Printed by S. GOSNELL, Little Decon Street, Holborn, hulle CONTENTS. PUBLIC Vices private Benefits All out of A Midfummer Night's Dream Advertiſement Extraordinary New Crofs Readings The Virtues of Wealth Joe Miller verfified Advice to the Volunteers Volunteers' Tails Le Patiffier tion Imitation of Horace, Ode 14, B. 4 Alarming Chafm in the Spanish Papers How to plague a Miniſter Impromptu Upon the Report of Mr. Pitt's Intention to return the Spanish Frigates, but to keep the Money taken on boardthem, 0 · 8767 10 Anecdote · Pope's Grounds and Grotto at Twickenham Irregular Ode to Mafter Candy Epigrams 27, 231 , 260, 307, 336, 340, 350, 351, 383 Anew Song to an old Tune A Political Dialogue on a glorious Catamaran Expedi 27 · 180 A 2 459095 Page150010 II 13 14 15 17 20 21 22 29 ib. 3.4 ib. ib. 35 Nothing iv CONTENTS. Nothing impoffible Invafion Bonaparte's Delay On the Victualling Board advertiſing for two hundred Tons of Oatmeal Bonaparte to Brother Jofeph The Death of the First Conful, and the Birth of the Emperor A Dream -A Political Pun On the Coronation of Bonaparte as Emperor of the Gauls Impromptu addreffed to a Defpot without Offspring' A Fragment Indignation, an Ode to the Continental Powers Coronation ofthe Emperor of Hayti Coronation at Garratt The Emperor of Garratt to the Emperor of the French Ode to his Imperial Majefty the Emperor of Garratt, on his Coronation • An Imperial Ode most humbly infcribed to the three great Emperors, the Emperor of Hayti, the Em peror ofGaul, and the Emperor of Garratt Matrimony Singular Anecdote Grace before Meat On the Marriage of Mr. Cook to Mifs Mutton The Glutton-in Contemplation of Lord Mayor's Day • Lines by a fatiated Epicure, on reading his Bill of Fare for Dinner The Drunkard buried alive The Inconfolable Widow Female Prudence Lines on Sir R. Worfley's having forbidden any Perfon to fee the Beauties of Appuldercombe The Reconciliation The Omiffion, a new Ballad The New Salt Tax evaded Page 35 .www A÷÷*woi537 ib. ib. 38 43 45 ib. 46 50 53 58 59 60 62 64 67 ib. ib. 68 ib. 69 70 ib. 71 75 77 The 2 CONTENTS. The Tears ofthe Crewets on taxing Salt and Vinegar Sal Sapit Omnia To Mr. Windham on the Salt Tax Epigrams on the fame Subject The Irish Drummer The Coalition Feaſt Ode to St. Patrick's Day Public Theatricals Afull and particular Vindication of Lord Viſcount Melville and Mr. Alexander Trotter Hints for clenching the Nail of the Tenth Report The Tickler The Tenth Report Hints to the Oppoſition for the Debate of April 8 Ode to the Coalition More about the Tenth Report Wonderful Discovery A Lift of Accidents which happened on the Morning of the 9th of April Melville's laft Moments Lord Melville's Will Ship News Extraordinary Police Office • · A New Scots Ballad -the Words by Viſcount Mel ville Hey Tricks, Trim go Tricks, &c. Lord Melville-Coroner's Inqueft More about Lord Melville Shipping Intelligence Poems of Offian Advertiſements Extraordinary Extra Sporting Intelligence Do continued My Hobby Remarkable Death Stud Extraordinary Picture Gallery The Doctor Five Hundred Pounds Reward Epigrams on Lords Sidmouth and Buckinghamſhire A 3 • · • • • • → · • • Page 7778 ib. • • 80 82 84 88 go 95 96 98 104 106 108 113 ib. 116 118 119 123 124 126 127 130 1.32 134 138 141 151 17 ! 172 173ib. 174 Theatre 139 140 vi CONTENTS. Theatre Royal, St. Stephen's More Theatricals • Maſquerade Extraordinary Political Races The Patriot Examination ofa great Man's Cook Maid Queer Evidence Search after Evidence More of the Addington Party Downfhire Election An Epiftle confolatory from Lord Melville to Lord Caftlereagh on his recent Defeat at the County Down · · · More about the Downſhire Election · Song, faid to have been ſung by Lord Caftlereagh to Mr. Pitt Addrefs by Lord C Further Refults of the Downfhire Election Mr. Pitt's Inftrument and a Capon • Ode on the Death of a Favourite who was nearly drowned in the River Thames Re-animation of Lord Caftlereagh More about Lord Caftlereagh Lord Mulgrave's Dinner ; or, the Tragi- comical Ad ventures of Lord Caſtlereagh, the Premier, and the Puppy Dogs More about it The Fourth Eſtate The Polar Star The Inn- keeper and Gueſt The Levy en Maffe Sample ofJonas Sowwell's Stirrup Oil · • · An Apology for Lord Caftlereagh • Compariſon between a certain great Stateſman and a certain great Actor .. On a late After-dinner Adventure · 214 · · Lord Caftlereagh and the Puppy Lord Caftlereagh and a Fiſh Sonnet to Malcontents on the Bleffings they enjoy under the Britiſh Conftitution · Page 178 181 182 184. 186 188 · 191 193 196 201 203 204 207 209 ib. 217 218 220 222 225 226 228 230ib. 231 ib. 232 235ib. 241 242 The CONTENTS. vii The Row Dow at the Haymarket Theatre Lines on hearing of Lord Nelfon's Departure from Town to refume the Command of his Fleet Epilogue to Thermopyla ; or, Repulfed Invafion The Corporation Feaft ; or, Filling the Glaffes Female Studies ; or, Sound Reading Lines on the untimely accidental Death of the infant Daughter of Mrs. Archer, of Portſea The Lamentation of a Leg of Pork The Reply Alack ! Alack ! Field Marſhal Mack ! The Razunamah Sonnet for a Son's Birth- day The Pudding. To a Sifter On an annual poetical Publication Sonnet on a young Lady's embarking for Ceylon Symptoms of Obftinacy A Hufband is a growling Animal • • Lines on a Lady who turned away her Servant for re fufing to attend her while riding her Donkey Volunteers The Lucky Moment Cockle Sauce Mr. Pitt and an Affembly Profane Swearing Swearing Tax Swearing Syſtem Tax on Praying New Mode of Correfponding The Colonel's Difafter Wooden Wit Bon Mots Epigram on a beautiful young Lady who fuddenly loft the Enamel of her Teeth • Defendit Numerus On the Suppreffion of the Chaplains' Table at St. James's Egyptian Faſhions Egyptian Infcriptions The Petition of the Alphabet to the Bookfellers of London Page 245 247 248 251ib. 252 253 254 255 256 258ib. 259 260 261 262 264 ib. 266 ib. 271 274 275 277 278 279ib. 280 ib. 281 283 284 286 287 290 The Vill CONTENTS. The Sexton's Folio Aftrolling Player giving a Sketch of his Life On reading the French Admiral La Touche Treville's Account of having made Lord Nelſon run Villeneuve's Advertiſement of two large Men of War, taken July 22, 1805 Invafion Squib Bonaparte's Soliloquy on the Cliff at Boulogne Sporting Intelligence Extraordinary More Sporting Intelligence Extraordinary Naval Intelligence Extraordinary First Bulletin of the Grand Naval Army-by Anti cipation The War The new Emperor Verfailies reftored Stanzas on feeing Bonaparte at Stutgard Sweet Sixteen Sprightly Sixty The Replication Epigram addreffed to a Lady The Termagant Lucklefs Damon Grimalkin's Ghoft ; or, the Water Spirits The New Year's Gift The Partners In Vino Veritas The Ugly Lover The Duellift The Shepherd Parody on the Ballad of Alonzo and Imogene Repartee Obfervations on the foregoing Premature Criticiſm Epigram ou fome bad Poetry at Tunbridge Wells To one who wifhed to diminiſh the Value of a folicited Favour TheFog The Tailors NewReadings The Captives Anecdote of Frederick the Great of Pruffia i Page 292 294 306 307 308 ib. 309 315 319 320 322 324 328 331 332 ib. 334 335ib. 336 337 338 339 340 341 342ib. ib. 344 ib. 345 ib. ib. 346 347 348 349 Lines CONTENTS. .ix Lines on the Lawyers' Corps being driven from the Temple Church on a Faft-day by fmoky Chimnies 350 Impromptu Anecdote of Foote ib. AKnock-down Argument AHorſe for after Dinner Elopement Extraordinary Elegiac Stanzas to the Memory of Henry the First, Emperor of Garratt, furnamed Dimfdale the Muffin. man The Generous Creditor Chriſtmas Gambols The Huſband's Complaint The Wife's Anfwer Hope's Garland Tria juncta in uno ; or, Three in one Breed of Juvenal Rofcii The Infant Mania The Stage A Dialogue between Captain Bull and his Ship's Crew Double Difafter An Addrefs to England on her Nelfon's Death Nelfon's Tomb · A Poetical Tribute to the Memory of Lord Nelfon Nelfon and Collingwood Page Impromptu on the Death of Lord Nelfon Lines on the Death of Lord Nelfon Dirge on the Death of Lord Nelfon Horatio's Death The Tears of Britannia On the Death of Lord Nelfon On the Arrival of the Victory in England Lines on a Subfcription being propofed for raifing a naval Column to the Memory of Lord Nelfon 351 352 ib. ib. 353 354 355ib. 358 360 361 362 ib. 367 368 383ib. 384 385 386 388 ib. 389 390 391 393 394 396 THE ! 1 THE SPIRIT OF THE PUBLIC JOURNALS. PUBLIC VICES PRIVATE BENEFITS. DATE OBOLUM BELISARIO. [From the Morning Poft.] MR. EDITOR, I AM an elderly man, verging now upon the glory of a feptuagenarian. It has been my fortune, -in fome refpects perhaps good, in fome awkward par ticulars I have felt it to be bad, -to lead a fingle life. The great mifery of my fingle ftate has been a dull uniformity of tranquillity. Every mariner, Sir, will tell you that at fea nothing is fo irkfome as a calm. How have I envied married men, fhrugging up their fhoulders at the mention of a curtain-lecture ! -I have had no helpmate to give a zeft to myjoys ; and as for divifion ofmy forrows, in truth they have been ma thematical points, and the difficulty has been to dif cover them. Under the preffure of a torpid happinefs, denied by my hard fate from being a party, I have made it my bufinefs to become a fpectator, in broils. Having nobody to point at me acrofs my own table, I have fupervifed the fparrings of ftatefmen acrofs the table of the Houfe of Commons. Having nobody to cen fure my own extravagance in inviting a friend, I have fought relief in hearing the cenfure of Adminiftration for fubfidizing the Continent. For domeftic ridicule of VOL. IX. B my PUBLIC VICES PRIVATE BENEFITS. my own converfation, I have been obliged to fubfti tute public clamour againſt the King's Speech ; and a lying-in I have compenſated, in the beft manner I have been able, bythe annual budget ofthe Miniſter. Parliament, however, has proved commonly an im perfect fuccedaneum. The principal antagoniſts here are confcious of perfonal valour, and fome traces of reafon and decorum exift among them. My great be nefactors have been the periodical publications, and chiefly the newſpapers. There are always fome of thefe, who, adopting, in converfe of human perfecti bility, the hypothefis of unqualified depravation , illuf trate their fyftem by the ruling minifter. Whether this is Mr. Addington or Mr. Pitt, feems of little im portance. -Thefe periodical moralifts, anticipating the world of fpirits, transform the Treafury Bench, in plain terms, into a h-l. It is the habitation ofmere iniquity, and Satan appears vifibly in the perſons of the fucceffive Chancellors of the Exchequer. -With fcrip tural preciſion, however, the fires of the place are ignes emendatura. -Lord Grenville and Mr. Wind ham, fince they fubfequently ranged themfelves with Oppofition, are faints, and angels, and purified fpirits . Time was, Mr. Editor, when a coffee-houfe was a noble ſcene for a man of my misfortunes. Halfthe papers were rich mines of fterling ore. Latterly, alas ! the mines feem not to pay for working, and they are nearly abandoned. An infipid unanimity prevails. By fome fatality the country is aſtoniſhingly barren of fubjects for complaint. -Whether I look to the temper of the people, or to the conduct of Adminiftration, an appetite like mine is almoſt deſtitute of food. I fhould, indeed, have been reduced long fince to actual ſtarving, but for fome remnants of genius nap pily preferved among us. Hence I get now and then a few fcraps, of indifferent reliſh indeed, but they ſerve to fupport life. The PUBLIC VICES PRIVATE Benefits. ३. The generalfpirit of mycountrymen, which eftabliſh ed the volunteer ſyſtem , reduced me almoſt to deſpair. "Their rifing all at once Was as the found of thunder heard remote." But I have been very ingeniouſly relieved. I un derſtand, Sir, that 400,000 men, animated by all the powerful emotions of human nature, are li terally nothing. It has been whispered, indeed, that they are lefs than nothing; that, at beft, they will ſtand in the way ; and that probably they will be diftinguished by a great alacrity in running. We have been calculating, it feems, with decimals ; and what have been relied upon as fubftantial ftrength, will turn out only expletive cyphers: In the mean time, this Engliſh enthuſiaſm affords to Englishmen an excellent fubject for derifion. Could we but ftrike away thefe four hundred thouſand incumbrances, and create a military council of ten or a dozen officers, the country were perfectly fafe. Really few men have a juft idea of our fituation. We are to be overwhelmed in this war, not becauſe our reſources are deficient, or our Minifter incapable, but becauſe Mr. Fox fits on the wrong fide of the Houfe of Commons. The Speaker looks at him overthe left fhouider. This, Sir, is ominous. It was but the other day, Sir, that an attack was made upon the Boulogne flotilla, with fome newly contrived inftruments of deftruction . Our Miniſters cannot be contented to carry on the war upon old plans ; but their ftupid officioufnefs muft oppoſe a new fyftem on the part of the enemy, by a new fyftem on our part. It was reported at first , that the experiment bad utterly failed, but at length the French papers arrived . One circumftance, however, in this tranfaction, has faved me a world of infipidity. It appears that Lord Melville was on fhipboard during the attack, and that Mr. Pitt took the trouble to look at it from one of the windows at Walmer.-Had but theſe old B 2 meffinates PUBLIC VICES PRIVATE BENEFITS. meffmates employed themfelves in toafting its fuccefs in red port, had but the Palinuri of England flumbered over the helm, all had been well. -But they fillily intereſted themfelves in the event of a new experi ment. Ποτ' εν ω ανδρες Αθηναιοι ποτε ά χρη πραξετε ; --- In netrable ſtateſmen ! when will you learn, in the crifis of your country, to amufe yourſelves at the gaming table ? --- More recently we have fecured fome Spaniſh frigates. Previouſly to the laft declaration of war a charge was advanced against Mr. Addington, that he was fuffering himfelf to be trifled with till the enemy's fhips from the Weft Indies were in port. It was vexatious to me that a man like Mr. Pitt fhould have filenced clamour on this head. But, by G―' s grace, we have Hudibrafes among us who can advocate both fides of the queftion . The Minifter's conduct difcriminates right and wrong for theſe writers, and fuperfedes the labour of judg ment. I know not when I have promifed myſelf more fa tisfaction than at the feizure of Sir George Rumbold. This was an act of treafon againſt the general polity. of nations. Alas ! it was not an act of the British Mi niftry ! "The Superviſor" of Europe is " grofsly to look on" with indifference. " But were I Brutus, and Brutus Antony, " &c. Could the fcene of violence. have croffed the fea, and for the name of Fouché had Pitt been fubftituted, to this real atrocity might have been prophefied as much indignation throughout Eu rope as has been experienced at home by the volunteer fyftem . Perhaps thofe writers feek to prove themſelves Englishmen by confining their injuries to English fubjects. They are a fort of typographical November, tolerable to the rest of the world, but to England all horror and defpondence. Proceeding now to the prayer of this petition. If you enjoy access to the Minifter's councils, you would ALL OUT OF PLACE. 5 would do me a weighty fervice by procuring a little ferious mifconduct . Communicate, Sir, to Mr. Pitt, the fituation of the claffes with whom I am connected. If he will leave no opportunity for direct attack, the fact is , they muft attack him through the country. Even to me, who live upon clamour, it is not pleaſant to fee inen hovering on the borders of treaſon ; but, if the Miniſters will allow no other channel for public calumny, whofe is the fault ? Mr. Pitt may think this a light matter as far as concerns himself ; but ſhould treafon follow, he maydepend upon it, that his quondam affociate will convict him as a negative accomplice. Private vices have been deſcribed as public benefits . Entreating youto make Mr. Pitt fenfible howfar public vices are private benefits, I fubfcribe myfelf, Sir, your fervent petitioner, Dec. 28, 1804. FELIX FIDGET. = ALL OUT OF PLACE. [From the Morning Chronicle.] MR. EDITOR, I KNOW not whether the world be really turned up fide down ; but it appears to me that every body is going out of the track which nature feems to have marked out for them : I can find no man in his proper fituation . Methinks that order of things is coming round, which I remember to have feen in an old print, where a man is carrying a horfe, and a pig is bafting a cook. We have Stateſmen, who are becoming Co lonels and Admirals for no other purpoſe than to add their own blunders to thofe of their fervants, and do that in perfon which they before bungled by proxy. Lawyers enter into grave difcuffions on religion ; out of revenge, I fuppofe, becauſe divines were once Law Chancellors and Mafters of the Rolls. Grave citizens and fhopkeepers are becoming majors, and captains, B 3. and 6 A MIDSUMMer night's DREAM, and duellifts. Children from the nurſery are antici pating the labour and ftudy of years, and becoming infant Rofeius's and infant Billingtons.-- Nurfes will be wanted on the ftage, inftead of prompters ; and managers muit offer gingerbread and fweetmeats, in ftead of falaries and benefits. Good lack ! Mr. Editor, what will all this come to ? My boys and girls, five as fine children as you would with to fee, are for going out into the world before they have fairly come into it. My eldest, only twelve laft Michaelmas, of a plotting and mischievousdifpofition, perpetually making crackers and fquibs, and putting them under old women's petticoats to blow them up, wants me to bring him into the Miniftry, and make him Captain of Cata marans. My fecond, a year younger, is ftudying the part of King Lear, for his debut; and my daughter of eight years old, who can get through Foote's Minuet, on the piano, thinks that in a year's time I may get her an engagement at the Rooms in Hanover Square, or thoſe at Margate. In fhort, I am tired with their wonderful proficiency ; and yet am obliged to indulge them in all their requeſts, left they fhould " throw up their articles," as they call it, and " join another company." Do, Mr. Editor, try if you can bring things round again a little, and let us have done with a maſquerade, in which the moſt favourite performers are thofe who are moſt out of character. Yours, OLD STEADY. A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM. [From the Morning Chronicle.] SIR , LTHOUGH the year is now declining faft towards the gloom of winter, I hope it is not too lateto record the by-goue revels of the more genial feafon ; and A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM . 7 and if you can favour me with a corner of your paper, Iwill communicate, for the amufement ofyour readers, the Midfummer Night's Dream of fome of our diftin guiſhed Stateſmen; in whofe dreams, both fleeping and waking, the nation has fo much intereft. Midfummer, fince the days of our immortal bard, has been confidered as a period devoted to the ope rations of fairyifm , when the tiny humourists exercife all their powers of mifchief againft thofe mortals who have been fo unfortunate as to incur their difplea fure. This malicious agency is more particularly carried on when fleep has locked up the avenues to reflection; and fancy, governed perhaps by the fubjects most fre quently in the waking thoughts, fometimes conjures up images ofpleafure, fometimes chimæras of horror. What ground for complaint Oberon and his vengeful courtcould haveagainst thehighly refpectable perfonages whofe dreams, at this period, I have been lucky enough to obtain a knowledge of, I am ignorant : every friend to his country, however, muft lament that there are vexatious fprites, whofe malice even an earthly perfon cannot guard against, and who would laugh at the fufpenfion ofthe Habeas Corpus Act. The Chr of the Ex- r, after very copious libations of generous wines (which by the way might have affifted the tricks of Robin Goodfellow) , appeared to be conveyed in his carriage, drawn by an applaud ing populace, to the Royal Exchange, where he was received by the monied intereft, who loudly congratu lated him on the flouriſhing ſtate of commerce, and complimented him on his generous attention to the nation's wishes, in forming an adminiſtration of talent, without regard to party: by the Patriotic Committee at Lloyd's, he was hailed as the conqueror of Bonaparte. From the city he returned to St. Stephen's, where, in a moſt crowded houfe, he was faluted by an una nimous vote in favour of his provifions for the national B 4 defence ; 8 A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM . defence ; he heard (or fancied he heard) all voices raiſed to adulate the faviour of his country : when, by a tranfition, not uncommon in dreams, the honied ap plaufe which foftly undulated round the Gothic walls , fuddenly was changed into groans and hiffes, whofe violence roufed the fleeping Premier from his dream; the impreffion of which, however, was fo ftrong on his mind, that he could not be convinced of the fiction , till Mr. Sturges Bourne and Mr. Canning, who were counting their fees in an adjoining room, hurried to his fuccour.

The Right Honourable G. R-fe, by a moft unac countable fatality, feemed ufhered into company with the goddess ofLiberty, who ftruggled hard to prefs the cap with which the is characterized, on his forehead : this Mr. R. with laudable diffidence for fome time declined at length, however, he yielded ; when, ftrange idea ! it appeared inftantly to cover his whole vifage, and he fancied himſelf on a public ftage in manacles, not far from St. Paul's. An empty coffin too lay near him, while a hooting crowd furrounded the fpot on which he stood. Sleep no longer could lull nature under the preffure of fo much horror, and the pitying fairy releafed his prey imagine, however, the worthy gentleman's furpriſe, on waking, to find he had in his agony twifted one of his garters round his neck.

、 The L-d Ad- eof Sd, in imagination (the morning of his exhibition in the Houfe of Commons) , appeared removed on a fudden into Spain, where he prefided over the Inquifition : in this fituation he ruled the roaft with an ardent mind ; but at length a Scotch farmer, whom he had condemned to an auto dafé, íud denly fprung from his guards on the holy man ; and restored him from fuch an imaginary tyranny (moſt hoftile to his real fentiments) , to that kingdom which he governs with fuch exemplary mildness. It has been believed that Mr. W. D- s had re ceived A MIDSUMMer night's DREAM. 9 ceived ſome fingular marks of fairy favour ; but on in quiry I find, that, as he never thinks when waking, the head poffeffes no groundwork for ideas in fleep fug gefted by fancy. His noble relative, however, the F-ft L-d of the Ad- y, was bleffed with an unuſual proportion of this periodical benevolence ; as it is reported that he has fucceeded the once renowned Bottom in the good graces ofTitania. After a quiet fupper of fheep's trotters, waſhed down with a mull of whiſky, he retired to his apartment, where, enjoying a good and quiet confcience, he in ftantly fank in fleep. He then appeared tranfported into the capital of his native country, where he was the active manager of a machine ofgreat public utility. The dulcet tones of his " Wha wants nie ?" attracted numerous and liberal cuſtomers . Then fuddenly he was removed to the Peerage, which his elegant man ners and diction highly graced : what might have been his further progrefs we know not, had he not been awakened by miffing fome proxies, for which he ima gined himſelf feeling in his coat pocket ; when, ftrange to tell ! on waking, he difcovered that he had thrust his hand into the conveniency by his bed-fide . Lord C-r-gh, through Mab's malicious fpite, be came, as he fancied, transformed into a mountebank's zany, where he gave confiderable fatisfaction to his employer, although he afforded but little amufement to the lookers- on. From this humble fphere he vaulted at once into the office of Grand Vizier in our Eaftern empire : but all his dreams of future profit and glory were cut fhort by an envious BOW- STRING ; the terror of which recalled his fleeting fenfes. Every friend to theſe noble perfons muft fhare in the feelings which fuch fingular fituations cannot but have called forth. Every one muſt lament the unpleaſant fenfation which B 5 their 10 ADVERTISEment extRAORDINARY. their hoftile fate created, and we ſhould all have reaſon to rejoice if their more grateful meditations were re alized . I am, Sir, yours, &c. PEASE-BLOSSOM. ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY. [From the Morning Chronicle . ] Tobe Let for a term of years, the following Offices : The Secretaryfhip for Foreign Affairs; The Secretaryship for the Colonial Department ; And the Secretaryfhip at War. An old woman has attended each of thefe offices for fome months back, to keep them warm ; who may be retained for the fervice of the tenant, if required. The attendant of the latter office, if placed in an appropriate fituation, is capable of rendering fome fervice, and be longs to a family remarkable for their difpofition to ferve any perfon if well paid for it. The tenure of thefe offices will depend upon the performance of a certain defcription of " Knight's fer vice" to the principal agent Wm. P-t, who has at prefent the uncontrolled difpofition of the tenements. In order to perform the fervice looked for, the tenant muft poffefs fufficient commonfenfe to reftrain him from declaring any opinion of his own; but to adopt with promptitude, and act upon with ardour, whatever is understood to be the opinion of the agent, which will be occafionally communicated by fome of his clerks. He must praiſe the agent without meaſure, and abuſe his opponents without mercy. He must be capable of a good deal of talk; but muft never venture to talk upon any fubject on which the agent feems difpofed to de liver his fentiments, until he has done his " talk." He must ridicule even the appearance of public virtue, and renounce every notion of political confiftency. The moft NEW CROSS READINGS. II moft effential requifite, however, is a ready obedience to orders. For further particulars, inquire of G-ge R-fe, ofPalace Yard, or C- s L-ng, ofGlouceſter Place ; who are enabled to explain every thing refpectingthe nature of the premiſes to be diſpoſed of, and the fer vices required. The offices of Secretary for Home Affairs, the Prefi dent of the Council, and the Lord Privy Seal, may alſo be obtained, and immediate poffeffion given-if eligible tenants offer ; as the prefent occupants have expreffed their willingneſs to vacate, or do any thing to oblige the agent. Bidders for any of thefe offices, who may have lately had acquaintance with Mr. F-x, particularly if they have appeared to enjoy any part ofhis confidence, will of courfe be preferred. It is to be underſtood, that deferters from the enemy's ranks will have a preference to thoſe who have been heretofore the followers of the agent. But if none ofthe former will offer, it is fup pofed that fome of the latter, who have been uniformly in the performance offocage, will be raifed to the rank of " knight'sfervice" to fill the vacant offices. NEW CROSS READINGS. [From the British Prefs.] ITis thought that the Middlefex election has- run away with cafh and notes to a confiderable amount. The new Emperor ftill continues to infpect the pre parations for invafion-ſmall hopes are entertained of his recovery. The tragedy of Othello was laft night performed by a party of amateurs- and run over and mangled in a dreadful manner. B. 6 A French 12 NEW CROSS READINGS. A French feventy-four lately attacked one of our fifhing-fmacks-no caufe can be affigned for this rafh action. Captain B.'s diſpute with Major C. is faid to have originated in a houfe of ill fame-where he had been for the recovery of his health. - The poor woman who was lately delivered of . Church Street, Whitechapel, has been committed for further examination. Apoor tradefman has lately had the misfortune to be-vifited by feveral people of fathion. In confequence of the rapid fale of Packwood's razor ftrops-a gentleman yeſterday cut his throat in a moft alarming manner. The drubbing that Linois received from our mer chant-fhips in a late engagement is to be continued in our next. - There will fhortly be a grand dinner at the Manfion houfe-for bettering the condition ofthe poor. Among the arrivals at Bath are two eminent phyficians the following is a lift of the killed and wounded. The flame of an amorous Duke for a certain fair fyren-was extinguiſhed without doing any material injury. Mr. Pitt is faid to have fettled the ways and means for another ten years war-which he performed with apparent eaſe in two hours and twenty minutes. K. THE ( 13 ) THE VIRTUES OF WEALTH. [From the Britiſh Prefs. ] Similitudo diffimilis. Of flocks, the cautious Broker marks the fate, Offlocks, the drunken Cobler's greateſt hate. With fear the Broker fees their rife or fall, The Cobler wishes there were none at all. - Quærenda pecuniaprimum eft, Virtuspoft nummos. SAYSyoung Damon one day, to his prudent old fire, " Sir, to rife in the world is my warmeſt defire ; Pray how fhall I quickeſt, and beſt, become great, And command much reſpect, Sir ? " "Why, get an eſtate.” "What will make me at dinners, and fpouting clubs, fummus, And makewitlings adore and applaud me, Sir ?” .so " Num mus." " Should a widow attract by her beauty and fenfe, Pray what arguments firſt ſhould I uſe ? ” — “ Three per cents." " But, young Delia I long in theſe arms to enfold ; What will gain me her love and affection, Sir? ”— “ Gold.” " What will dive into clofets, and fecrets unlock, And diſcover intrigues and cabals, Sir ? "-" Bank ſtock. " "Will aught make me fupport whate'er Miniſters mention, And give them my vote, right or wrong? "-"Yes, a penfion. " "Suppofe fome diforder ſhould ruin my health, What will bring me relief in my miſery ? "—" Wealth." " Asto fpend all I gain, fhould I prove fuch a ninny, Whatwill cure all myills in this world, Sir?"-"A penny* : But if nothing is left, then you might as well ſtay, Charon won't take you e'en to the De'el without pay." SCRATCH.

• Shakspeare appears to have been of the fame opinion : - " Oh,

the charity of a penny cord ! it fums up thouſands in a trice : you have no true debitor and creditor but it-of what ' s paft, is, and to come, the diſcharge." Cymb. A& 5. Sc. 4. JOE ( 14 ) JOE MILLER VERSIFIED. [From the Britiſh Prefs.] THEHE facetious gentleman whofe jokes have been ferved up in all fafhions, and mingled with all compofitions, from the orations in St. Stephen's, down to the comedies in our Theatres, "from the top to the bottom of all wit," has never yet, I believe, been prefented to the public in verfe. What I would pro pofe then, is, that fome one, who has nothing better to do (and there are plenty who have not) , fhould Peter Pindarize a certain quantity ofthe beft ofthofe afcribed to Mr. Jofeph Miller *, and look for his reward in the fale of the volume. The Emperor ofthe Gauls, to whom I am as neceffary in his concerns, as my reprefentative was in carrying on the fhow with Punch at my late favourite fair ( Bartholomew), keeps my hands too full to permit me to undertake the taſk which I recommend; and all I can do is to offer a fpecimen of the manner in which I would have it done ; worfe than the fample, by no means in the world ; but as much better as poffible. OLD NICK. JOE MILLER PETER-PINDARIZED. Τιρφ᾽ ἐροδο Τινα δ' ανδρα κελαδεσομεν ; PINDAR. OLYM. OD. 2. ALONDON Jockey, well known for a fool, Whofe faddle might be aptly ftyl❜d a mute, Since when he rode, it ever came to paſs, That 't was a fomething ' twixt a horſe and afs ;

• A complete edition ofJoe Miller's Jefts has lately been publiſhed

by Mr. Ridgway. The book had previouſly become very ſcarce, and fold at ahigh price.. Once ADVICE TO THE VOLUNTEERS. 15 Once left the town ; And, as moft travellers will, Went often down, And often up a hill : At length a ſteep of fearful height Struck our horfeman's wond'ring fight ; But what did moſt alarm him now, Was, that at bottom feem'd a flough. Doubtful he ſtood In thoughtful mood, When hard by, in a brake Aclown he fpied; and thus beſpake : "Is bottom hard ofyonder place ?" " Hard, mon ?" the clown replied ; With nimble pace he then defcended, And up to boots in mud his journey ended. Swearing at clowns, he ſtorm'd and rag'd his fill, And wifh'd with all his heart the devil had got ' em ; When out he bawl'd to him upon the hill " Did you not, rafcal, fay, ' twas hard at bottom ?" The clown rejoin'd with broadest grin, Which he conceiv'd no mortal fin, " And fa it be, I'll maak ye ony bet, Butyou's not half- ways to the bottom yet !" 66 ay, that it be." ADVICE TO THE VOLUNTEERS. [From the Morning Chronicle. ] MR. EDITOR, LAST year, a gentleman who is Phyfician to one of the moſt refpectable Volunteer Corps of the me tropolis, addreffed a circular letter to the members, refpecting the care of their health, in the event of being expofed to the hardships of a winter campaign. This effort of laudable zeal was fo much admired as to be inferted almoſt verbatim in many of the public prints ; and, if I do not miftake, among the reft in your widely- circulating paper. Winter is again ap proaching, 16 ADVICE TO THE VOLUNTEERS. ! proaching, Sir, without the arch- enemy of focial order having afforded us an opportunity to grapple with him. Of courfe, our Volunteers muft look forward to another contention with rain and fnow, inftead of fire and fword. Convinced of the utility of having the contents of that valuable epiſtle impreffed on the me mory of every brave defender of the country, I have long wifhed to have it done into verfe, for the fake of more eafy recollection. This with I expreffed to feveral of mypoetical friends, butthey all declined the attempt. Having fome fmall vein in this way myfelf, I have donethe best I could to tranflate it faithfully into rhyme, if not into poetry, which, as far as the purpoſe of com mitting it to memory is concerned, may anfwer nearly the fame purpoſe. By giving it a place in your paper, I think you will deferve well of your country. A VOLUNTeer. COME lift ! young and old, Brother B. I. C. A. ' s fo bold, collars of rhubarb ſo nice; Whilft I, your M. D. Without touch ofa fee, All for nothing thus give my advice : With your If thofe fcoundrels of France, In their rage to advance, Should cross, in their bum-boats, the Channel ; Still, as fafe and as fnug As a bug in a rug, You ſhall fleep in your jerkins of flannel . That man was a fool, Who faid, Keep your heads cool : I tellyou look well to your noddle ; With all due care and pains, This cafe ofyour brains In a good warm Welſh wig you muſt coddle. - When fatigu'd from the field, Where, juft ready to yield, You have fought till you could not fight longer ; Walk VOLUNTEERS' TAILS. 17 Walk about till you reſt, You will find it the beſt Wayto make you all ſo much the ſtronget . Asyou value your lives, No, not e'en with your wives, Whom you ' ve fworn fo to love and to cheriſh, If you dare to " lay" down, 'Tis apound to a crown, You will all moſt undoubtedly perish. Laft ofall for your fare My good lads have a care ! Beef and porter might make you too cruel; Sothe beſt, as I think, Both for meat and for drink, Is a good meſs of nice water- gruel. Now, myhearties ! here goes :→→ Confound all ourfoes, And d- Bonaparte's black liver ; While our watch-word fhall be, Take it, poliſh'd by me "WELSH WIGS, and NO SKULKING! " for ever ! VOLUNTEERS' TAILS. " Non TAILI auxilio." [From the Morning Chronicle.] MR. EDITOR, PEEPING the other day through the ſhop - windows, as is my frequent practice when I take my walks through the streets of this variouſly entertaining me tropolis, I obferved written in legible characters, and in more fhops than one, " Volunteers' Tails fold here ; " and I fhould have, perhaps, hefitated, fuch is my mo defty, before I could have inquired what this meant, had not a fpecimen ofthe article been difplayed along with the notice above given. But ſtill, thought I, what have 18 VOLUNTEERS ' TAILS . have volunteers to do with tails more than other people ? or why are thefe gentlemen, who are collected promifcuously from the various walks of private life, fup pofed to be fo ill provided, that they muft to their other expenfes, add that of a tail ? Is this a minifterial trick to laugh at the citizens of London ? or is it a Jacobi nical trick to revive thofe days of equality when, according to Lord Monboddo's opinion, men wore tails ? Or, laſtly, is this addition to be a final anfwer to the fpeeches of Mr. Windham, and the pamphlet of Sir Robert Wilfon ? and are thefe gentlemen to be told not to look at the courage, difcipline, habits, ftrength, or numbers of the volunteers, but at their tails ? I have made a point, Mr. Editor, of putting theſe queries to as many volunteers as I am acquainted with, both officers and privates ; but not a man can give me a fatisfactory anfwer as to the utility of tails in the art military; whether they are calculated for offenfive or defenfive operations ; whether they are contrived to meet the enemy in the open field or in narrow defiles, in ditches or behind hedges ; whether they are to be employed againſt our foreign enemies, or to quell domeftic difturbances and inteftine commotions ? To all this I can get no rational reply ; and to reafon from the thing itſelf, will throw no light on the ſubject ; for whether thefe tails are to be ornamental or terrific ; whether, as Davy fays, in Bon Ton, they are to " pleaſe the ladies, ” or frighten the enemy, it fo happens that the advantages of them in neither cafe can be afcertained, unleſs the wearers fhew their backs, which, I hope, they never will do, either to females or Frenchmen . I have looked into hiftory, but I can find no mention. offuch a weapon as this, except in one folitary inftance, that of Samfon, who tied the foxes by their tails, and a firebrand between each, and fent them in among the Philistines; VOLUNTEERS' TAILS. 19 Philistines ; but this, I humbly prefume, can hardly be drawn into a precedent, or at leaſt I cannot fee how the volunteers are to be employed in any way that bears an analogy to the above inftance. All I can learn for certain is, that tails are indifpen fable. No volunteers muft appear without them ; and when they are called before the officers of the line, they are literally inſpected from head to tail, and woe be to him who appears without this warlike ap pendage. Now, Sir, what is indifpenfable, one fhould fuppofe would be neceffary ; but this brings me again to my difficulties ; for I cannot find any perfon, regular or volunteer, general officer or drill-ferjeant, who can tell me, in plain language, the uſe of a tail in the day of battle. My honeft barber, whom I confult on all important topics, has but little to advance on this fubject.— " All I can fay, Sir, " replied he the other day, " is, that tails are coming in faſhion ; you may fee them, Sir, in the fhops, about an inch and a half long, fize of a toothpick ; -no gentleman now without a tail." All this may be true, but this regards us men in civil life, who remain at home to take care of our wives and children ; but ſtill the queſtion is, of what ufe are tails in the prefent war ? Will they bring matters to a crifis at Boulogne, at Dieppe, at Breft, in the Texel, &c. ? Does Bonaparte delay his expedi tion becauſe he has heard of three hundred thoufand tails that have voluntarily come forward to repel his attempt ? Or, becauſe we have not yet reaped any good by laying our heads together, are we to lay our tails together, and blind the enemy with a whiſk, like the Dragoon Guards horfes ? For my part, Mr. Editor, unlefs fome of your intelligent correfpondents will condefcend to enlighten my understanding in the ufes of a tail during war, I fhall be very apt to think that this 20 LE PATISSIER. this implement did not originate in a board of general officers, but in a council of riband- weavers. I am, Sir, Your humble fervant, OLD QUEUE. LE PATISSIER. TUNE, " N'entends pas." [From the Morning Poft.] MONSIEUR, grown fick of fricaffee, Old England vow'd that he would fee ; To London came, where roafting beef, And puddings large, paſs all belief. Monfieur found fault with all he faw ; Heſwore we ate our meat quite raw ; So out he pull'd his pocket book, (Bis) And wrote, "De Engliſh no can cook. " Before the ' Change this Frenchman ftood ; Said he, " I now fmell fomething good ; " His nofe foon led himflap bangpop Into fam'd Birch's paſtry-ſhop. Some foup he took, and then a puff, Atartlet, and a pinch of fnuff ; “ Ma foi, ” ſaid he, “ down in my book, (Bis) " Me mark, dis Birch, de paftry- cook. " Mad Bedlam next to view he went, In front he ſaw a regiment ; " Sure invalids, " faid he, " might do, To guard fuch lunatics as you." " Your Co-lo-nel vat is his name !". " Birch. "-" De paſtry-cook ?"-" The ſame.” "Mon Dieu, " faid he, " where is mybook ? Vat ! Colonel Birch, a paftry-cook !" (Bis) For Guildhall next his courſe he ſteer'd, Where, bawling out, on high appear'd An orator, who boldly ſpoke Of Britain's boaft, her hearts of oak. " Dat ANECDOTE. 21 " Dat orateur, vat is his name ? ”— " Birch." -" De paftry-cook ?" " The fame." " Parbleu," ſaid he, " give me my book ; (Bis) Vat ? orateur, colonel, paftry- cook ?" St. Paul's he next with wonder view'd, Its ſchool he enter'd , no boy rude ; " How ftill, " faid he, " juſt like a church !" " Forthat," cried one, " thank old Tom Birch." " Vat, Monfieur Birch ? you joke ; ” ſaid he : But they all cried, " Oui , Monfieur, oui." " Profeffeur Birch will fill my book, (Bis) Orateur, colonel, paſtry- cook. " To Drury Lane he found his way, " The Adopted Child" was then the play He there cried out, "Bring me one book," And found ' t was wrote by Birch, the cook. Said he, “ When Monfieur Birch does die, His bones in lead will furely lie ; To Westminftare dey will be took, (Bis) For all he is von paitry- cook. " LEDIRB. ANECDOTE. THE HE celebrated Earl of Cheſterfield having been very unfuccefsful at billiards with Lukup, a famous gamefter, declined playing any longer. Lukup, to tempt his Lordship to play on, offered to contend against him with one eye blinded. The Earl obferved, that his mode might be of advantage to his adverfary, as fportſmen fhoot with one eye clofed. Being in duced, however, to try his fkill with one eye, and finding his efforts were fruitlefs, the Earl accepted the terms, and loft five hundred pounds more. Speaking of his ill fuccefs, and Lukup's liberal offer, to a friend, " What," faid the latter, " has the fellow taken you in fo ? why, he has been thirty years blind of one eye!" POPE'S ( 22 ) POPE'S GROUNDS AND GROTTO AT TWICKENHAM. [From the Oracle. ] THEHE recent fate of this once celebrated retreat of poetry and wit must be lamented by every man who has the leaft veneration for genius and taſte. Upon Pope's death it was fold by his executors to Sir William Stanhope, who enlarged the houſe and extended the grounds, preferving, however, moft care fully every relique confecrated by the taste of our immortal bard. Upon Sir William's death it came into the poffeffion of the late Lord Mendip, who married the baronet's daughter ; and the public had the fatisfaction of obferving the attention and care with which that venerable ftatefman kept up the ori ginal beauties of this claffic fpot. The public was alfo indulged with the full gratification of its curiofity in vifiting the grounds - Upon Lord Mendip's death , it was fold , we under ftand, to a Sugar-baker, who, on vifiting his new pur chafe, expreffed great indignation that fo much ground fhould be idly occupied with clumps of trees and rare exotics, which might be much more profitably em ployed in the rearing of cabbages ! The ftroke of the axe, therefore, foon levelled the finest clumps ; and that object which Pope had fo fuccefsfully laboured to attain, viz. to imprint much beauty and variety in a fmall ſpace, was prefently annihilated by the Vandalic poffeffor. The Grotto too, Where, nobly penfive, St. John fat and thought ; Where British fighs from dying Wyndham ſtole, And the bright flame was that through Marchmont's foul ;

• Adjoining the Botanic Gardens of Ifaac Swainfon, Efq. the phi

lanthropic proprietor of the well-known Vegetable Syrup de Velnos. where TOPE'S GROUNDS AND GROTTO. 23 where " a fpring of the cleareft water, falling in a perpetual rill , echoed through the cavern day and night, " which has fo often lulled the " Bard of Twit nam" to repofe, or infpired the ſweeteſt ftrains of poetry, was next difcovered to be the filthy receptacle of adders and fnails, and must therefore be dif mantled. The improving and finiſhing this " Egerian grott" was the favourite amufement of Pope's declining years ; and the beauty of his poetic genius, in the difpofition and ornaments of this romantic recefs, appeared to as much advantage as in his beft- contrived poems. " From the Thames, " fays he, in one of his letters to Mr. Blount, " you fee through my arch, up a walk of the wildernefs, to a kind of open temple, wholly compofed of fhells in the ruftic manner ; and from that distance, under the temple, you look down through a floping arcade of trees, and fee the fails on the river paffing fuddenly, and vanifhing, as through a perſpective glaſs. When you fhut the doors of this grotto, it becomes on the inftant, from a luminous room, a camera obfcura ; on the walls of which, all objects ofthe river, hills , woods, and boats, are forming a moving picture in their vifible radiations : and when you have a mind to light it up, it affords you a very different fcene ; it is finiſhed with fhells, interfperfed with pieces of looking-glaſs in angular forms ; and in the ceiling, is a ftar of the fame material, at which, when a lamp ( of an orbicular figure, of thin alabafter) is hungin the middle, a thouſand pointed rays glitter, and are reflected over the place. There are connected to this grotto, by a narrower paffage, two porches, one towards the river, of fmooth ftones full of light and open ; the other towards the garden, fhadowed with trees, rough with fhells, flints, and iron ore. The bottom is paved with fimple pebble, as is alfo the adjoining 24 POPE'S GROUNDS AND GROTTO. adjoining walk up the wilderneſs to the temple, inthe natural tafte, agreeing not ill with the little dripping murmur, and the aquatic idea of the whole place. It wants nothing to complete it but a good ftatue with an infcription, like that beautiful antique one which you know I am fo fond of Hujus nympha loci, facri cuftodia fontis, Dormio, dum blandæfentio murmur aquæ. Parce meum, quifquis tangis cava marmora, fomnum Rumpere ; fi bibas, five lavere, tace. Nymph of the grot ! thefe facred fprings I keep, And to the murmur of theſe waters fleep ; Ah, fpare my flumbers, gently tread the cave ! And drink in filence, or in filence lave ! " You may think I have been very poetical in this defcription, but it is pretty near the truth. ". Surely this Mr. Candy, who, as Colman fays, might be very well in the lump, but moſt certainly not double refined, could neither have known who Pope was, or at all events could not have read the defcrip tion which we have quoted. Afhamed, we prefume, of the devaftations he had committed, he has parted with his purchafe ; but the lively, farcaftic, witty Mr. Arthur Griffinhoofe of Turnham Green ( alias George Colman, Efq. ) , has found him out, and ex hibited him for the amufement of the public * . Pe gafus Puncheon, the landlord of the Rifing Sun, will hand him down to pofterity ; and few perfons will fail up the Thames without exclaiming with the poetical Boniface " Oh that a fugar-baker fhould wander On the ground where Pope did ponder !" In his Farce of " The Gay Deceivers." Sir IRREGULAR ODE. 25 Sir John Briscoe is the prefent owner of this once beautiful fpot ; and, as nothing now remains to attract the eye of a curious vifitor, has given directions that no perfon fhall be admitted. IRREGULAR ODE, TO ARTHUR GRIFFINHOOFE, ESQ. BY MASTER CANDY, THE SUGAR- BAKER. [From the fame. ] A TRUCE, Mafter Arthur, with all your vile ſcandal ! — I'll have my action at law on the matter ; You call me taftelefs Goth, and eke a Vandal, Think I'm a flat-but you, I fay, are flatter: Yes, you may grin-but before a court You'll ceafe your grinning, and be forry for 't. I purchaſe ground for profit and delight ; And without profit can delight ariſe ? Without good meat or fruit, who cares for pies ? At a bare hook what fooliſh fiſh will bite ? When I bought ground that late was Maſter Pope's, I meant it for my country refidence ; And though it coft a good round fum- my hopes Perſuaded me that I ſhould turn the pence ! " So forthwith I began to grub Each fruitlefs tree, and every uſeleſs ſhrub, Planting, instead thereof, fome goodly rows Of cabbages, and carrots, and what grows Good ftuff for man or hog ; for who can eat a rofe ? A rofe has à fweet finell they tell ye, But will a rosebud make a jelly, Or fill your belly ? a No, no ; and if you talk of fmells, pray let me aſk, What can ſmell fweeter than a fugar- cafk ? Quickly I clear'd the grounds of all the lumber, And fancy gimcracks not worth a cucumber, VOL. IX. с I foon 26 IRREGULAR ODE. I foon remov'd them ; The public wiſhing ſtill to take their rounds In what they call'd the Poet's grounds, Which I would not permit, till I ' d improv'd them. What notions fome folks have ! -There was a fpot, A mighty foolish thing, they call'd a grot, And thither people came by loads, To fee in curious order coloured fhells ; Then-" Lord, how pretty are thoſe frogs and toads ! Ogracious me! ' t is very fine ! The poet muſt have had a taſte divine ! " Surely theſe folks might wear the cap and bells. And then they talk'd the Lord knows what About fome favourite wench of his, With whom he us'd to toy and kifs, And call'd, it feems, the Nymph ofthis fame Grot ; Thank Heaven, 1 faw her not ; Or else that fame cold spot Madam would foon have found by far too hot ! But, taking better care, fweet Mifs was gone, Unless transform'd into a frog or ſtone. This Pope, they ſay, he was a popiſh tike, And frogs and popery I hate alike. No, no I bought his grot and all the benches, But was not bound to keep his grotto wenches. Had this fine nymph remain'd ſo near a neighbour, To Bridewell I ' d have ſent her, to hard labour. Well then, the weeping willow was fo fine ! Oh yes the willow weeping was divine ! How the fools chatter'd, walking round and round, As if this willow wept on magic ground ! Poor willow thou, indeed, hadft fome pretence To uſefulneſs, when twiſted in a fence. As for thy weeping and thy melancholy, Doubtless thou griev'dft to ſee that poet's folly. And now comes Mafter Griffinhoofe, As great an afs as Maſter Pope, Giving a lecture of reproof, Becaufe, forfooth, the public might not mope, Or idly wander Where Pope did ponder, Penning A NEW SONG TO AN OLD TUNE. 27 Penning fuch heaps of rhyming ditties : Oh! 't is a thouſand pities, But 'fquire Griffinhoofe and all his players, Who p'rhaps feldom fay their pray'rs, Were tumbled neck and heels down flaite, To where I now ſuppoſe that Alexander Is alfo acting like a falamander ! EPIGRAM ON A PARAGRAPH IN THE NEWSPAPERS, THAT LORD MELVILLE, LORD KEITH, AND GENERAL HOPE, WERE SAILED TOGETHER TO RECONNOITRE THE ENEMY'S FLOTILLAS. [From the Morning Chronicle. ] MELVILLE, to give his naval genius fcope, Boldly embarks with Keith, fuftain'd by Hope ! Then fince our fafety refts on Scotland's care, Thou ne'er, thrice happy England, canſt deſpair ! A NEW SONG TO AN OLD TUNE. Parturiunt montes, et nafcitur ridiculus mus. [From the fame.] ATTWalmer there lately was held confultation About the best method offaving the nation ; There was Melville and Pitt, Sir Home Popham and Keith, Who fwore they would dah Nappy's threats in bis teeth. Derry down. Now heated with wine, there no danger appear'd, The fuccefs ofthe ſcheme not a foul of them fear'd ; And confulting together, contriv'd a grandplan, To deftroy the French navy by catamaran. Derry down. Colonel Pitt look'd quite big, as he pufh'd round the bottle, And fancied he had Bonaparte by the throttle ; с 2 Lords 28 A NEW SONG TO AN OLD TUNE. Lords Melville and Keith hob-a-nobb'd, while Home Popham Ofthe fcheme talk'd fo much that they ſcarcely could ſtop him. Derry down. Then having determin'd, without more ado, That Bony's flotilla to Davy fhould go They refolv'd, that, the more our oldfoe to affright, This daring attempt ſhould be made in the night. Derry down. And Melville, cock-fure of receiving fome fport, Left for once all the joys and the comforts of port ; And boldly declar'd he ' d not fiee from the danger, But go out tofea, though toſhips quite a ftranger. Derry down. He here fhew'd his art, for our proverbs expound, There's no reafon to think he will ever be drown'd ; Then quickly he hurried away from the table, And went in his namefake, yclept the Aimable. Derry down. Now fafely on board, from fair Albion fail'd, Sir Home hop'dfuccefs where brave Nelſon had fail'd ; The attack then began, and before it was over, Some flaming accounts foon reach'd London from Dover ; Derry down. And dwelling the whole on the very fame notes, Affur'd us the lofs was a hundred odd boats : The news like a wildfire the town quick o'erfpread Some ran, they fcarce knew on their beels or their bead. Derry down. Ifthe question you afk'd, were the ſtocks low or high ? One hundred andfifty was all the reply ; In short, all the way, from the court to the city The flotilla's deftruction was every one's ditty. Derry down. But, lo! what a change will a day or two ſhow ! For truth now declares , we've fcarce injur'd the foe ; And after the whole of his trouble and pain, The giant refresh'd" -finds his labours in vain. Derry down. Then, IMITATION OF HORACE. 29 Then, Britannia, be wife, truſt the ſchemer no more, But drive the vile reptile away from your door ; Too long have you cherifh'd the profligate elf 'T is time that you had fome regard for yourſelf. Derry down.. -MORAL. You people all, both great and fmall, who hope fuccefs to win, Be ſure you always catch the bear, before you fell the ſkin. [From the fame.] SAYS P―t to L-d M—v-lle, " Get you tothe devil A POLITICAL DIALOGUE, ON THE SUBJECT OF A GLORIOUS CATAMARAN EXPEN DITION OVERHEARD AT W- LM- R CASTLE . For our plans I fee never will hit. ” " Hold ! hold !" fays his Lordship, " your fchemes are fo deep, " Get the devil to you in a ſeven- league leapFor you are the bottomless P―t' ." Op ARCANTIL IMITATION OF HORACELIBRARY [From the fame. ] MR. EDITOR, I AM a retired country gentleman, who employ myfelf in educating my only fon, who I muit fay is rather a forward boy for his age ( only fourteen) ; and this I attribute to the method which I have conſtantly purfued, of accuftoming him to compare all the great names which occur in the ftudy of the claffics , with thofe of his own times. To enable him to do this effectually, I have always furniſhed him with the public с 3 prints 30 IMITATION OF HORACE. 1 prints of the day, that he may not be at a lofs for parallels ; but unfortunately, Sir, we have frequently, in turning an ode of Horace, felt a lamentable defi ciency ofgreat living characters. Whether the poets of the prefent day have not been fufficiently induftrious. in celebrating the virtues of our great men, or whether they think it to be Mr. Pye's exclufive right, I cannot determine. We have likewife, in reading the earlier Greek and Roman hiftorians, been very often puzzled to find any reſemblance between our modern great men and thofe of ancient times ; but as we defcend to the later hiftorians, who have written on the de cline and fall of the Roman empire, we find our dif ficulties in this reſpect materially decreafe. This paucity of great characters, Sir, has caufed my fon to make frequent miftakes in his application of the few we poffefs. I remember he once compared Sir James Pulteney to Scipio, and Mr. Pitt to Mæcenas, mifled bythe mere refemblance of office. I reproved him rather fharply for this grofs error, as I termed it, and quoted the words of Demea, in the Adelphi : Infpicere, tanquam in fpeculum, in vitas omnium, Jubeo, atque ex aliis fumere exemptum fibi. But, to my great furprife, he immediately replied, that, as I confined him to living characters, he must take the beſt he could get, and added, in the words of Syrus, from the fame play Hoc falfum eft, hoc aduftum eft, hoc lautum eft , parum Poftremo, tanquam in fpeculum in patinas Demea Infpicere jubeo. 'I was pleafed with the readineſs of the boy, and for gave him his mistake, though I could have told him the characters he had felected were not the beſt. But not to intrude, Sir, on your time, I fend youan IMITATION OF HORACE. 31 an imitation of the 14th Ode of the 4th Book of Ho race, as a ſpecimen of my fon's talents in this way ; you will, without doubt, diſcover feveral faults in it, but as it is a juvenile performance, I hope your read ers will receive it with indulgence. I fhall only obferve, Sir, that, in the first ftanza, inſtead of the word " alas !" my fon evidently meant to ufe " Dundas," had he not referved it for what he thought a more appropriate rhyme. With regard to the ftone expedition, I fear he has been guilty of partiality towards Mr. Pitt, in giving him the merit of it ; I believe it was undertaken by the late Minifter ; and as it was the only act of vigour during Mr. Addington's adminiftration, it is hardly fair to deprive him ofit. I am, Sir, &c. HORACE-ODE XIV. B. 4.—IMITATED. O THOU, whofe eloquence divine Turns to fmall beer our ale and wine, Our fleet into a farce ; Who ſpeak'ſt the word, and, lo ! ' t is done, Catamarans our fhips become, Their admiral-Alas ! Oh, fay what vote of thanks can give That you in future days may live, Nor be unknown to fame ? What morning paper, what Gazette, Shall chronicle the nation's debt, And eternize your name ? RUSTICUS. Fain would the mufe, in equal verfe, Thy big and mighty deeds rehearſe, And thy ftill bigger threats, By finking funds and finking ſtones, To block up ports and open loans, And pay off all our debts . C 4 But 32 IMITATION OF HORACE . But who fhall thy exploits difplay ? Or tell of Boulogne's bloodlefs day ? Or clock - work warfare paint ? What mufe fhall give to thefe their due, Or fing of ten per cent, and you , Nor feel her courage faint ? Under your aufpices , Ds , Become an admiral , and afs , Of most uncommon ears , High on the deck expos'd to view Has fhewn in war what P-tt can do, Colonel of volunteers. Infpir'd by thee , this ancient Scot , Moft venal of the tribe I wot , That nought for hire difdains , Old England's fons , a gallant race, Involv'd in ruin and difgrace On Holland's lucklefs plains . Our brave militia to deſtroy Was not enough

he muſt annoy

And vex our gallant tars

New follies fill his active mind , He's ex -officio inclin'd To thine in naval wars . Our fleet now Admiral M - 1 -lle fees . Make coffins for our enemies , An undertaker grown

What pity , that among all thoſe Coffins to bury England's foes He could not find his own ! Like Bayes's hero , when he 'fwears Himſelf fhall put an end to wars , And mow whole armies down

So threats this hero of the ſtate Flotillas he'll annihilate , And all the Frenchmen drown . To Admiral Drawcanfir's boaſt Bears evidence the Morning Poft , And IMITATION OF HORace. 33 And fwears he made it good ; And fills its columns with his feats, Of victories without defeats , And battles without blood : While barbers, nervous for the ſtate, The bloody news to all relate, And, when the tale begins, More blood than froin his victory comes, Is drawn from flipfhod taylors' thumbs, And aldermanic chins. 'T was you, great P- tt, who hold chief rule, That gave him thus to play the fool, And gave him fomething more; Your wooden gods, your ſkill and ſenſe, Advice, and all but impudence ; That nature gave before. For on that memorable day When Add-gton to you gave way, To eloquence and goid, Become your partner in the ſtate, He rafhly dar'd to arrogate The place he dares to hold. Let Cambridge tutors now propofe As themes, your triumphs o'er our foes,. That freshmen may declaim, And prove Caligula muft yield To you his fhells , and quit the field,. A lefs inglorious name. While loan-contractors, bankers, Jews,. For want of a ' Change- alley mufe, Your praifes underwrite, In all that learned dulnefs fays . In P-tt's, and loans' , and omnium's praife, They 'll cheerfully unite. Wherever Britiſh guineas fhine, Or on the Danube, or the Rhine,. c. 5. Thy 34 HOW TO PLAGUE A MINISTER. Thy name each nation hears ; Hears, but not equally refpects , With Deal-men, who delight in wrecks, And Cinque Port volunteers. ALARMING CHASM IN THE SPANISH PAPERS ! [ From the Oracle. ] OURopponents fo wife, are all in the vapours ; Achafm, they fay, deforms the ftate papers. But the country all knows, and is not to be bit, No chafm thus frights them, but a dev'lish deep Pitt ! TRIM. HOW TO PLAGUE A MINISTER. [ From the famé. ] WHENyour motions minute are all granted, And you've got all the papers you wanted, Still to prolong your noify refiftance, Bellow for papers that—ne'er bad exiftence ! CUNNING CHARLEY. IMPROMPTU, ON READING CERTAIN PARAGRAPHS IN THE MORNING CHRONICLE. [From the fame. ] ONfine- flavour'd venifon dines Doctor Sutton, While Prettyman fticks to plain beef and plain mutton ; But the Chronicle blades prefer a good cut on Prettyman's felf, to his beef or his mutton : And when luxury prompts them to take a tid- bit, Ye gods ! how delicious to cut up Bill Pitt ! THE TRUNK- MAKER . UPON ( 35 ) UPON THE REPORT OF MR. PITT'S INTENTION TO RETURN THE SPANISH FRIGATES, BUT TO KEEP THE MONEY TAKEN ON BOARD THEM. [From the Morning Chronicle. ] BILLY ILLY Pitt, in a fright That he had not done right In feizing the treaſures of Spain, His confcience to quiet, Which kick'd up a riot, Kept cash , but fentſhips back again. Thus Gil Blas and his friends, To make fome amends For their robbery of poor Samuel Simon, His doubloons detain'd , But ( their hearts being pain'd) Return'd him the bags they were tied in. NOTHING IMPOSSIBLE. [From the fame. ] GRINIGOG. MR. EDITOR, ク AMONGthe conjectural opinions that are floating on the ſtate of public affairs, I am much fur prifed that fome very fhrewd politicians fhould ftill contend for the exiftence of impoffibilities. Nothing, in my humble judgment, is more clearly proved, from the events of the laft ten or fifteen years, than the total diſappearance of thofe things which we ufed to call by that miraculous name. Were I to review the events of the laft war, I could give you an hundred inftances to prove my pofition ; but I fhall be very brief.--In 1792, it was impoffible that the French armies could refift the combined powers. In 1793 and 1794, it was impoffible that the French finances could hold out another month. 1794 up to 1799, it was impoffible that any regular In сб government 36 NOTHING IMPOSSIBLE . government in Europe fhould make peace with the republicans of France. It was impoffible that Bo naparte fhould reach Egypt with an army of 40,000 men. It was impoffible that he, or any man of them, fhould return from Egypt alive. It was impoffible that he ſhould overturn the French government with a handful of foldiers ; and then it was impoffible he fhould continue First Conful for a month. It was impoffible Great Britain fhould acknowledge him in that character. It was impoffible that he ſhould go to war for fuch an object as Malta. It was impoffible that he ſhould create himſelf Emperor, and more im poffible that any Sovereign in Europe fhould recogniſe him in that character. Finally, it was impoffible that Mr. Pitt fhould compofe fuch an adminiftration as the prefent ; and when put together, it was impoffible that fuch odds and ends, fuch fhreds and patches, fhould laft a month. And now, Sir, you will pleafe to examine all theſe impoffibilities, and tell me if any one of them deferved the name, or was more than a tolerable difficulty, which a man might eafily get over, provided, as is the fashion of the day, he was not very fcrupulous as to the means. In truth, Sir, I wish you politicians would drop the phrafe altogether, fince experience fhews that there is no fuch thing as an impoffibility, andthat nothing ever occurs, at which a reaſonable man ought to wonder. I remain, Sir, yours, CREDO QUIA IMPOSSIBILE. INVASION. THHE French vainly think in long nights to paſs over That stream, worſe than Styx, between Calais and Dover: Long nights they may find ; but our comfort is ftill, They ' re fure offhort days, let them come when they will. BONAPARTE'S ( 37 ) BONAPARTE'S DELAY. WHYdon't he come ? why don't he come ? Is ftill the cry of many : 66 But if you will not let him come, Why, how the devil can he ? ON THE VICTUALLING BOARD ADVERTISING FOR TWO HUNDRED TONS OF OATMEAL. QUEUE. ZOUNDS ! two hundred tons," cries John Bull in affright ; " One would think that each ſhip had two thirds of her crew il." " No, no, " quoth old Slyboots, " I'll foon fet you right " Tis to give our invaders and Bony their gruel." AGINCOURT, BONAPARTE TO BROTHER JOSEPH. [From the Morning Poft.] DEAR brother Joe, as I'm to be Emp'ror ofthe Gauls, d'ye fee, I pray you go, inſtead of me, To give Great Britain her death-blow : To fink her fleets -her fhores attack Her armies beat-burn, plunder, fack, And all her volunteers to whack There's glory for you, brother Joe ! Yet, brother Jofeph, entre nous, A fecret I'll intruſt to you, By Mahomet I fwear ' t is true Myhorrors will not let me go ; With human gore I'm ftain'd fo deep, That ghosts terrific haunt my fleep Duc d'Enghien's makes my flesh to creep Then head th' invafion, Gen'ral Joe ! H. THE ( 38 ) THE DEATH OF THE FIRST CONSUL, AND THE BIRTH OF THE EMPEROR. [From the General Eveni ng Poft. ] 2 AL LL the world knows that the Corfican Firſt Conful was born on the 9th of November 1799, and that, after a ſhort but troubleſome life, he expired on the 18th of May 1804. But, as various reports have circulated concerning the manner and circumftances of his death, we haften to lay before our readers the par ticulars of that melancholy event. The diforder of which this great man died was the king's evil, dege nerated into an Imperial purple fever, which continued with very little interruption from the day he was by a Senatus Confultus declared a Firft Conful for life. The fymptoms, however, fhewed themfelves much earlier : they were vifible in June 1800, after fwallowing the Marengo draught, which Doctor Deffaix, by facrificing himfelf fo generously, procured the First Conful. The Luneville prefcription, in February 1801 , increaſed them ; and the Amiens ointment, ufed in April 1802 , made them fo alarming, that a confultation was found neceffary among all the Luxemburgh quacks, who ad miniſtered a palliative deftructive to the very conftitution ofthe patient, whofe complaints the English phyficians Pitt, Windham, and Grenville, then predicted would be mortal, notwithstanding Doctor Fox's affurance of having felt the ſufferer's pulle, and found it fteady often, lower fometimes, but never inclined to rife. In February 1803, the complaint took an unex pected turn. By the advice of his family and friends, the First Conful, therefore, tried to perfuade his royal mafter to fwallow fome Pruffian blue, and to beſtow upon him, in return, the qualities the Bourbon pills are known to poffefs for fourteen centuries, not doubt ing to obtain from them a defirable cure, though, during THE DEATH OF THE FIRST CONSUL. 39 during the fifteen or fixteen laſt years, feveral im poftors have pretended not only to poffefs equally me ritorious medicines, but to have difcovered that the compofition of theſe pills is no longer either falubrious or genuine . Unluckily for the Firſt Conful, theſe pills could not be bought, notwithſtanding the high price offered ; and he was therefore obliged to drag on a little longer a miferable exiſtence, becoming more infupportable, when the English phyficians withdrew after he had been imprudent enough to pick a quarrel about a Mal tefe orange. Then arofe within him fuch a prodigious civil war, as he termed it, that he was forced to take meaſures with his apothecary for bringing up, in one way or other, all the ingredients he had devoured fince the preliminaries of the first of October 1801 . Alas ! poor foul ! it was no petty inteftine commotion with him, no trifling Toulon or Paris difturbance, as . one may fay, but a furious fweeping deluge, as ifthe roaring torrent of British loyalty had vifited him in all its wrath. The help of man was in vain. The apothe cary trembled, the Bonapartes cried, the tribunes roared, the Bishops prayed, and the Legion of Honour raved. A council of ftate was fummoned, but its mem bers could do nothing but fpeculate on the progrefs of the diſeaſe . The placid Talleyrand produced the abundant proofs of the diforder, which he had col lected and preferved for that purpofe. The Coun fellors, on infpection, gave a general groan, and the Minifter lifted up his hagard eyes, which feemed to afk if no help could be found ? " Yes !" faid the in trepid Sieyes ; "he is cured if we can bring about a defcent." "A defcent alone can cure him, " anfwered all voices. " Yes," repeated the dying Firft Conful, “ a defcent or not a defcent ? that is the question." This idea was eagerly applauded over all France ; and it is impoffible to fay what good effects it might have pro duced, 40 THE DEATH OF THE FIRST CONSUL, duced, had it been adopted ; but, as it involved an ope ration in furgery, not admitted into regular practice, the medical gentlemen prefent refuſed to act in fo deli cate and momentous an affair. An end was then putto all further proceedings, and the council broke up, leav ing the poor First Conful in a deplorable ſtate of body and mind. Such was his fituation in laft January, when Talleyrand, after ruminating and meditating day and night, and night and day, and having learned by heart the Commentaries ofCæfar and the Hiftory of Cromwell's Protectorate, thought he had found out a remedy, which, if it did not deſtroy the malady, would at leaft kill the patient. His recipe was, to mix, with fome former revolutionary confpiracy drugs, fome ounces ofpure Bourbon blood from that branch which was always efteemed, often beloved, and never hated by the French people. The Duke of Enghien was. therefore feized, infulted, calumniated, and immolated.. But though the First Conful highly relifhed this medi cine, and took it with avidity, its effects, from March 22d to May 17th, were very contrary to what might be expected from his hardened conftitution . It deprived him of all fleep during the night, and of all reft during the day, and brought on a delirium , during which he raved of nothing but plots and confpiracies, of fharp ened ftilettoes and poifoned draughts. He was heard. at intervals to call out, as from remorfe of confcience, " There is not a houſe at Toulon, not a ſtreet in Paris, a village on the banks of the Nile, nor a habitation on thofe of the Po, where widows and orphans do not: curfe me ; the former lamenting the lofs of their huf bands, and thelatter deploring the untimely end of their parents-thanks to my noble achievements! Laft night,. methought, I ſaw the angry fhades of the thouſands and thouſands by me drowned, poifoned, and murdered Frenchmen, Italians, Germans, Swifs, Turks, Mame lukes, Egyptians, Arabs, and Syrians : methought they attempted AND THE BIRTH OF THE EMPEROR. 41 attempted to tear me to pieces." On the 18th of May, in the morning, the delirium almoſt increaſed to afrenzy; fo much fo, that, when the amiable Jofephine prefented herſelf, he called out, " Begone, prostitute ! with thofe impure embraces Barras rewarded my atrocities !" In this crifis , the new- born Arch-Chan cellor, ci-devant Second Conful, Cambaceres, arrived at the head of the Luxemburgh quacks called Senators, and adminiſtered to the raving and expiring First Con ful the following calming and reviving falutation : " Sire and Emperor ! the Citizen and Firſt Conful exifts no more. Fifty of your Majefty's accom plices of the Confervative Senate have deftroyed the latter, and proclaimed you the Sovereign Emperor over thirty millions of Frenchmen . " The yellow hue of the Corfican fkin, at thefe words, feemed to affume a reddiſh colour, and in the joy of his heart he ſtammered, or rather whiſpered, " Serene Highneſs, Cambaceres ! is it poffible ? Am I worthy fuch a grandeur, conferred on me with the unanimous voice ofthe Great Nation ? Do my exploits and virtues as a General and Firſt Conful deferve an Imperial diadem ? What do my contemporaries think, and what will pofterity fay of my modefty, difintereſtedneſs , and patriotism, in accept ing this high and unlimited power, in a country of liberty and equality ?"-" Ah! my gracious mafter," anfwered Cambaceres, " with the fame right I have faluted you an Emperor in the name of the . French people, with the fame confidence I can anſwer for the opinions of pofterity. Yes, Sire, the renown of your good works has fpread round the univerfe! Every action and tranfaction of yours, recorded by your contempora ries, will be read with a terror mixed with admiration , by future ages. Your name will be confounded with that of thofe great men, a Sylla, a Marius, a Nero, a Caligula, a Marat, and a Robespierre. Nay, the remoteft pofterity will place you much above them. Their patriotic deeds were mere children's play, com 3 pared 42 A DREAM. pared to your heroic performances.-None of thei had, at the age of 25, fo conquered human nature, as to diſpatch with fang froid, 10 or 12,000 difarmed men, or defencelefs women and children, To none of them was it poffible to fay, with the fame truth as to your Majefty, There is no crime you have not bafely perpetrated; nor a virtue that you have not wilfully violated, infulted, andfcorned. " Thefe are undeniable claims to revolutionary authority, and a genuine merit to obtain a revolutionary fceptre, deferving, in revolu tionary countries, nor only thrones, but altars ." • " A DREAM. [ From Les Nouvelles à la Main of the 20th Meffidor, Year 12 , or 10th of July 1804, No. iv. Pages 6 et 7.] PROPHETS and propheteffes pretend that day dreams are more to be depended upon than thoſe of the night ; my ufual modefty prevented me, how ever, from forcing it upon my readers, either as a pro bability or poffibility, though I think it both. Having witneffed, with thoufands of other citizens, Jately metamorphofed with myfelf into fubjects, the grand prefentation of the grand diplomatic corps to the grand Emperor of the Grand Nation, I went home, my body fatigued, from ftanding in the grand crowd for four hours, and my mind occupied with half ferious and half gay thoughts concerning the grand fcene I had left, and of which the equal has not been feen in France, or heard of in Europe, for fourteen centuries. Meditating on my fofa, on the grandeur and decline of empires, on the mifery of fome kings, and on the for tune of fome individuals, I began to ſlumber, and finiſh ed by falling faft afleep. In fome few minutes I ima gined myſelf in Paradiſe, where I was ſurpriſed to hear the good, the virtuous, the Chriftian, and forgiving Louis XVI. reproaching fome crowned members of his family with their late inhuman and degrading conduct; and A DREAM. 43 and he was going to forbid them his prefence, and dif own them as relations, when the young Duke of En ghien entered, bleeding through all his pores, and with a bafhful modefty exclaimed, " Sir ! I too am a Bourbon!" His fudden prefence, and particularly his fhocking appearance, caufed a kind murmur of pity of abhorrence : fighs were heard every where, and tears were running down the cheeks of Louis XVI. who opened his arms to embrace his royal relative. "Myfon," faid the kingly martyr, " thou art worthy our anceſtors and better times "" Here His Majefty was interrupted by the arrival of feveral perfons, unknown to all, except the Duke of Enghien, who ftretched out his hand, and introduced twelve friends, whofe virtues and fufferings upon eart! Providence had rewarded with the eternal bleffing o inhabiting the fame paradiſe with a Saint Louis, Henry IV. and Louis XVI. One of them began to relate fome occurrences which took place juft before he was murdered, which cauſed a degree of furpriſe and in dignation that no words can defcribe. A confuſed noife oftrumpets, drums, &c. was then heard, which awoke mefor an inftant ; but falling a fleep again, my bewildered imagination carried me to the wood of Vincennes, where heralds, dreffed in Imperial liveries, proclaimed the following Senatus Confultus: " People of France! -your intereft and welfare made Napoleon the Firſt an Emperor of the French ; his vir tues require from your duty and gratitude, that His Imperial Majefty fhould be worshipped as a fuper natural being. Your reprefentatives, the members of the Confervative Senate, decree, that temples are im mediately to be erected in every city, town, and village of the French empire, where Napoleon the First is to be worſhipped as the Providence of Europe." The crowd immediately was on their knees, re peating, "Sancte Napoleone, ora pro nobis !" As I dif tinguiſhed 44 A DREAM. tinguiſhed feveral foreign accents, I approached nearer to the place from whence they came, and, to my great furpriſe, ſaw the Kings of Spain, Naples, &c. &c . all call out byproxy, " Sancte Napoleone, ora pro nobis !” I was freezing with horror at theſe blafphemies, when an inviſible hand carried me fuddenly through the air to the innermoft apartments of St. Cloud, where I ob ferved upon a bed decorated with an imperial crown, a fhort yellow figure of a man gnafhing his teeth, tearing his bofom, and, by convulfive movements, opening and fhutting his eyes, turning from one fide to another, jumping up and lying down again; his eyes ftaring, and his tongue exclaiming, " Toulon ! Paris ! Italy ! Jaffa ! Enghien ! Georges ! Guards, feize them ; guards, do you not hear? traitors, you are fold to the Bourbons : at leaſt give me myftiletto-mypoifoned draught-my dagger my piftols, or a rope ! " This he repeated fo loud, thatthe apartment was inftantly filled with Ma melukes, Italians, Corficans, Swifs, and Frenchmen, who frightened me fo much, that I jumped through the window, and ran away as faft as I could. A clap of thunder and a flash of lightning caufed me to look behind, when I faw nothing but temples, palaces, im perial crowns, fceptres, and robes, reduced to afhes, to rubbiſh: J'ai vue jufques aux cieux s'elever le fuperbe : J'ai paffé je le vois, qui rampe comme l'herbe. In that inftant my guardian angel appeared before me, and ſpoke, with a fevere voice, as follows : "Weak mortal, ceafe to murmur at the decrees of Providence, when you fee that fentences of criminal tribunals and military commiffions often exchange the earth for a paradife ; while the Senatus Confultus as often make the earth a hell. " A POLITICAL ( .45 ) A POLITICAL PUN. FROM THE GERMAN. L ET the Tyrant be Conful or Emperor call'd ! The Gauls will be gull'd, and the Gulls will be gall'd ! Quiz. ON THE CORONATION OF BONAPARTE AS EMPEROR OF THE GAULS. A PARODY. [From the Morning Herald.] Prefent, the FURIES. FIRST FURY. MUTTER, mutter forth the fpell, Big with deeds that frighten Hell ; We infpir'd the dreary charm , Full of horror and alarm ; Well the flaughter has been done, Well the gory race was run ; He deferves the crimfon'd wreath, We the bloody gift bequeath ; Flaſh the torch, and ftamp the ground, Call the fiends of niurder round, Bid them throng the trophied hall, While we crown the Lord of Gaul !· SECOND FURY.

Let the fhades of dead men rife, Ope their tombs, and break their ties Fathers, brothers, children flain, Theywho. ftrew'd the mangled plain, By his potent dire command, - In the vaft Egyptian land ; Bid them all in order ftand, Give to each a noxious wand, Rough with ferpent's pois'ning flime, Crufted by the power of Time. Lo ! they come, yet dread the call, Trembling at the Lord of Gaul. THIRD 46 IMPROMPTU . THIRD FURY. Cleave the earth, and rouſe its fire, Urge its fhocks at our defire, Let its thunders fiercely rage, And its lightnings wildly wage ; Deep convulfions fhould be known When the kingdom ' s made his own, When the chaplet binds his brow, Bravely won by human woe! Hemlock weave amid the crown, Sprinkle drops of arfenick down Ev'ry urn along the hall, Blazing ' fore the Lord ofGaul! CHORUS OF FURIES. Sifters ! fifters ! fee the fun Shrinks from what we ' ve nobly done; Started from his radiant fphere, Deftin'd never more t' appear! We can well fupply his rays With the cave's embowel'd blaze ; We can guide the beams of light, And difplay fuperior might! J. P. HACKETT. IMPROMPTU, ADDRESSED TO A DESPOT WITHOUT OFFSPRING. [From the Public Ledger.] SINCE Heaven ( as Holy Writ has faid) Lays the fire's guilt on the fon's head, The mercy furely is divine, That wills iniquity like thine Should meetits full reward in thee, Nor prefs upon Pofterity! A FRAGMENT. ( 47 ) A FRAGMENT. [From the Morning Poſt.] MY Y God, what havoc doth Ambition make Amongst thy works ! -I faw her mounted high, (Her garments roll'd in blood, ) on heaps of flain Steaming with peftilence. On either fide Of the corrupted maſs a human fiend, Full in the blaft, ſtood horrible to fight. He on the left had liv'd his time on earth ; And now, the fceptre of a mangled man Had done his helliſh work : to him belong'd The direful inftrument, whofe mortal edge Made thouſands headlefs : Terror was his god, And with that name he ſtamp'd the ſhort-liv'd date Of his ufurp'd dominion : in his hand He bore a bloody roll of monftrous length, A catalogue of victims, but curtail'd Of half its numbers by the ſtroke of Death, Who, furfeited with flaughter, cut him short In his career, and gave th' unfiniſh'd taſk To a more potent minifter, to him, Who on the right hand of Ambition ſtood In the mock majefty of kingly robes, His facrilegious temples round begirt With an imperial diadem , and wet With oil pontifical ! -Oh ! never more, Vicar of Chrift ! affume that facred name, If with thy trembling lips thou fhalt invoke The fear-extorted blefling upon him, Affaffin, perjurer, the direft wretch That e'er blafphem'd his God, and curs'd mankind, Turk, Atheiſt, any thing but what thou art, Ifthou art Chriftian, as thy Bible ſpeaks : But canft thou in thy confcience find a plea To make religion pander to the pride Of this apoftate tyrant ? Better far And fafer were it to endure his wrath Than truft his friendſhip. Afk the nations round What are the fordid terms on which they live : Fear keepsthem filent, but their fetters fpeak. Not fo Ambition-fhe hath no referve, 4 .And 48 A FRAGMENT . And evermore is fated to betray The wretch the fofters.-Now prepare to hear. She rifes in her ftate, and ftands erect ; One foot fhe rests upon the murder'd trunk Of that brave Chief * , whom perjury reports Self-ftrangled in his bed ; the other treads Upon the neck of a lamented Prince †, Whofe dreadful fate when tragedy fhall tell , Will float the ftage with tears. Thus pois'd ſhe ſtands, With outstretch'd arms up to the fhoulders bare, And bath'd in blood ; then rolls her hagard eyes Afkance to where her chofen minion waits The fpeech oracular ; and thus beging " Thou who haft far outgone my proudest hopes, Son, to my heart how dear ! whom I have rear'd From low beginnings to this lofty ftate, Afcend, and hare mythrone ! Be thefe and thouſands On which I tread, the pillars of thy power, The trophies of thy fame : thefe I can give ; And all the joys which thefe beftow, are thine. Thefe are not victories by others gain'd, (The world will lend no credit to that boaſt, ) But here no rival will difpute thy claim. To murder helplefs captives, to difpenfe The poifonous drug to the fick foldier's lips, And after battle, in one common pit Burythe living and the dead together ; Theſe are thy triumphs, thy recorded acts ; And theſe fall live in the hiftorian's page When thou art duft -Reign till that hour fhall come ; Blot out the light of France where'er it gleams, Till all is darkness, flav'ry, and defpair : Let juſtice, honour, truth, be in thy mouth, And talk of freedom, but let none enjoy it : Give to Religion all her fplendid terms, But let her come no nearer to thy heart, Left fhe awaken confcience, and betray thee; Treat ev'ry man of virtue as thy foe, And hold him dangerous who but affects it :

• Pichegru.

+ Duc d'Enghien. Rob, INDIGNATION AN ode. 49 Rob, rifle all the ancient ſeats of art To deck thy gaudy palaces, and try If medicated baths and rich perfumes Can wash the Ethiop white, and render clear What long- indulg'd pollution hath made foul. As in the reign of terror thou hast been The felf- nam'd Brutus, murderer profeft ; So now, when, from a hireling and a flave, Thou art a king, convoke thy barb'rous hordes Of favage infidels to council-board, And be the Ali of their dark divan. Let the prolific dunghill of thy birth Throw up its fpawn ofbeggary and filth, And mould it into royalty -' t were great, 'T were glorious, fo to crush the Auſtrian's pride, And bend the Spanish Bourbon to thy feet. Enjoy the vaft horizon in thy view, Ere night comes on, and thy fun fets for ever. But if the terrors of hereafter rack Thy tortur'd fancy, if invited fleep Spurn at thy call, or only come in dreams And horrid vifions, do not hope that I Can chaſe them from thee : I have made thee great ; What thou haft made thyſelf, is not with me ; Beyond this world, where my protection ends, Thy punishment begins. BRITANNIQU INDIGNATION, AN ODE TO THE CONTINENTAL POWERS. How long, ye torpid nations, will you gaze, In mute difmay, in motionlefs amaze, While yonder tyrant upftart uncontroll❜d, Wanton with pride, with pow'r fecurely bold, Infults you day by day, and laughs to fcorn Your whining independence ? -Fie for ſhame! Ye tardy, pufillanimous and tame, How long by you will fuch affronts be borne ? VOL. IX. D 50 CORONATION OF THE EMPEROR OF HAYTI. Is continental valour really dead? Is every fpark of manly fpirit gone? Has every fenfe of injur'd honour fled That thus ye let your necks be trampled on Byfuch a ruffian, whofe polluted breaft Scoffs at all faith and juſtice as a jeſt ? Aroufe take courage ! be yourfelves once more, Ere vile fubmiffion rivet every chain Hark! Freedom hails you from her naval fhore Attend the mighty Miſtreſs of the Main : To you fhe cries-" Infulted Pow'rs ! combine Your native energies once more with mine Make one great effort for the common cauſe Of violated Europe's rights and laws ; Atfert your confequence, retrieve your fame, Or fink for ever in the gulf of flame ! " The call is heard ! -Amid her polar fnows, With facred indignation's rifing fire, Already Scandinavia's bofom glows-- : Sarmatia kindles too with virtuous ire. In progreſs dread The flame fhall ſpread, Till round the pale ufurper's head Its fatal wrath, in vengeful volumes curl'd, Of fuch a peft at laft fhall rid th ' exulting world. HAFIZ. CORONATION OF THE EMPEROR OF HAYTI. [From the Morning Poſt. ] MR. EDITOR, THE account of Bonaparte's coronation having ex cited a confiderable fenfation, it may not be un interefting to the public to have fome account of a fimilar ceremony on the other fide of the Atlantic, with which I have been favoured by a correfpondent in the West Indies. " The 14th of October, in the year 2 , will ever be a memorable day in the annals of Hayti. The day had been fixed upon (after confulting the Obeahmen) for the coronation CORONATION OF THE EMPEROR OF HAYTI. 51 coronation of the auguft Sovereign of that iſland . The morning was ufhered in by repeated difcharges of artillery and mufketry, the beating of gomgoms, and blowing ofhorns. The Imperial band, confifting ofone hundred muficians, clad in waistcoats and breeches, af fembled with horns and other inftruments, before the palace at an early hour ; they proceeded together with a detachment of the Imperial Legion of Glory, to the refidence of the fupreme Obeahman, whence they conducted this venerable head of their religion to the great temple of Hayti ; where His Imperial Honour the Emperor, with his three favourite Empreffes, was al ready arrived ; that modefty, which always characte rizes the hero, having induced him to avoid the admi ration of the adoring multitude, by proceeding through another avenue to the appointed place. "The ceremony was moft impofing ! His Imperial Honour, our moſt auguft Emperor, Jean Jacques the Firft, was feated upon a pile of empty hogheads, covered with flame- coloured baize, richly trimmed with green tape ( His Honour's Imperial livery) ; and Their Imperial Honours the Empreffes, Chloe, Leti tia, and Quafheba, fquatted at the foot of the Im perial throne, arrayed in fcarlet petticoats, and ſhining with all the pomp of fable loveliness . " On each fide ftood the Grand Dignitaries of His Honour's Imperial houfehold ; their Mightineffes the Imperal Pipe-bearer, Marfhal Quomini, and the Im perial Mule-driver, Marthal Taio, and their Excellen cies the Chief Pot- boiler, and the High Chiggoe picker of the Houſehold. The whole affembly ftood up on the arrival of His Sanctity the Supreme Obeah man, whofe approach was announced by martial mufic, and the joyful acclamations of citizens of every colour. " When His Sanctity had arrived at the foot ofthe throne, His Honour defcended to receive the Imperial D 2 diadem, 52 CORONATion of the emperor of HATTI. · diadem, brought exprefsly, together with the wooden fceptre of the renowned Benambo, from the ancient city of Caragoli. His Sanctity then proceeded to anoint His Imperial Honour after the manner of the ancient Hottentots, while Their Imperial Honours rubbed with rapture the holy fluid upon their fable bofoms. His Sanctity then cried, with a loud voice, May His Imperial Honour Jean Jacques the Firft, by his own authority, and the conftitution of the empire, Em peror of Hayti, live for ever !' which was anfwered by the Legion of Glory, and the whole multitude, May all the Empreffes which he nowhas, or ever may have, live for ever !' The acclamations and enthufiafm ex preffed on this occafion were fo great as to drown the melody of the facred Anthem of Toncanoo, with which the ceremony concluded. " • · "The proceffion returned to the Imperial palace in the following order : The Imperial Band ; The Grand Dignitaries of the Legion ofGlory, Two by Two; The High Marthal ofthe Empire ; Their Imperial Highneffes Princes Pompée and Tonquil ; The Chaffeurs of the Legion of Colour; Marſhal Quomini, Marthal Taio ; His Sanctity the Chief Obeahman ; Obeahmen, Two by Two; Their Imperial Honours the Three Empreffes abreaſt ; The Black Maids ofHonour; His Honour the Emperor, clad in a Mantle of red Baize, powdered with Mufquitoes, crowned, and bearing the Sceptre. Pikemen ofthe Guard, Couch-men, Gomgom-men, Hangmen of the Guard, Cooks of the Legion of Glory, &c. &c. &c. Grand Poifoner. Chief Execu tioner. " On their arrival at the Imperial palace, Their Ho nours the Grand Dignitaries, His Sanctity, and the, Generals CORONATION AT GARRATT. 53 Generals of the Guard, fat down to an elegant banquet of red herrings, yams, and plantains, while the mul titude were regaled with Spectacles of every defcrip tion. And we may venture to fay, that we never witneffed a ceremony more awful in its nature, and more conducive to the liberty, equality, and good go vernment ofthe people of Hayti." Ifroom can be found in your Paper for the infertion ofthis, without injury to the account ofthe rival Coro nation, it cannot but render an acceptable fervice to the public, as a compariſon will diſplay the magni ficence of each more diftinctly and manifeftly. Yours, &c. BASILICUS. CORONATION AT GARRATT. [From the Times.] YESTERDAY, notwithstanding the official decla ration from Sir Harry Dimidale, the Mayor of that high and respectable department, of his intention to comply with what he conceived to be the unanimous fenfe of the citizens of Garratt, namely, the affumption of the high title of Emperor, and the gracing his brows with the Imperial crown, and his civic fhoulders with the purple mantle, the ceremonial, for reafons beſt known to the worthy Baronet, and to the great dif appointment of the citizen rabble, was deferred fine die.-Solemn reafons, no doubt, have on this occa fion fwayed the councils of the municipal Knight. Whether he has thought fit to await the decifion of the tiers etat of Wandfworth, or that of the diet of Batterfea, or of a very confiderable portion of thofe his intended fubjects, whofe diet is, in a very principal degree, compofed of muffins and crumpets, in the trade and manufacture ofwhich the worthy Knight is deeply D 3 engaged, 54 CORONATION AT GARRATT. engaged, and who fhrewdly conjectured, that their favourite luxury would be imperialized by the coro nation to double their ufual price, is not exactly cer tain. The only conjectures which the editors of The Wandsworth Gazette venture on the fubject, are, " that the worthy Mayor of Garratt, upon due con fideration of the propofed change of his civic title, for that of an Imperial dignity, and not withing, like a certain Corfican upftart, to reprefent the vanity of his own ambition, as the wifh of the people over whom he contemplated abfolute fway ; and defirous, moreover, of fome farther experience, from the ex ample ofthe faid Corfican , whether he may not render, in a fhort time, the title of Emperor as odious as that of Firft Conful, poftpones, for the prefent, any farther fteps on this important fubject, until he is better, affured of the fentiments of thofe who were to have become the fubjects of his Imperial fway." A courier extraordinary was difpatched to the refi dence of the envoy for Garratt, in St. Giles's, with this intelligence, very much to the difappointment of the ftage and hackney coachmen, and the drivers of all manner of vehicles, who were big with the hopes of reaping a rich harveſt from the votaries of curiofity, and punctual obfervers of St. Monday, as well as to the Bonifaces of Batterſea, Clapham, and Wandſworth, and the futlers, who had plied at Croydon fair, and had formed new and extenfive fpeculations in gin, gingerbread, and oysters. Private letters from Clapham add, that the known fentiments of the citizens of Garratt have been long averfe to innovation ; they have heard, too, enough about the character and exploits of another newly made Emperor, to decide them againſt encouraging the manufacture in their own diftricts. They were, befide, apprehenfive that fuch a meafure might tendto CORONATION AT GARRATT, 55 to involve their territories in a war with the two Kings of Brentford, who might take Umbrage at the ambi tion of the new- made monarch ; and, therefore, had Sir Harry proceeded to the bufinefs of coronation, it is probable he might have experienced a formidable revolt. It is further ftated, that the good citizens of Garratt equally hate Pope and Pretender ; and there fore the influence even of His Holiness would have no weight in feducing them to implicit fubmiffion under a felf-named Emperor. The ambition of Lady Dimfdale is, however, not flightly wounded on the occafion ; as the fame of the chafte and illuftrious Jofephine had wonderfully caught her fancy and excited her emulation. Oct. 9, 1804. CORONATION of the EMPEROR of GARRATT, &c. [From the General Evening Poft. ] YESTERDAY afternoon a full meeting of the elec tors of Garratt took place at the King's Head, in Compton Street, Soho, according to proclamation, for crowning the renowned and auguft Sir Harry Dimfdale, Mayor of Garratt, an Emperor. " PROCLAMATION. " TO OUR DUTIFUL AND LOVING SUBJECTS OF GARRATT. " WE, the Imperial Court of Garratt, do hereby give notice to our beloved fubjects, that our auguft Emperor, Sir Harry Dimfdale, will be crowned, at his Imperial palace, the King's Head, in Old Compton, Street, Soho, on Monday the 15th day of October, in the year of our Lord 1804, at the hour of eight o'clock in the evening. " Given at our Court, in Compton Street, this 12th day of October 1804. " GOD SAVE THE EMPEROR. " D 4 Before 56 CORONATION AT GARRATT . Before eight o'clock, the electors that attended ex ceeded, by feveral hundreds, the numbers who could gain admittance ; every part of the houfe was crowded to an overflow, till His Imperial Majeſty aſcended his throne-in the parlour-where he gave audience to his officers of fiate, commonly called link- boys, and to his legion of honour, as commonly called chimney fweepers ; after which His Imperial Majefty Harry I. of Garratt, went up ftairs, where another fuperb throne was prepared in the club - room. This throne was formed by placing a chair on a fofa, over which were, in large tranfparent letters, the words, " Long live the Emperor !" On each fide of His Imperial Majeſty fat a volunteer as his life-guards. His Imperial Majefty the Emperor was most fuperbly dreffed in nearly the following manner : Agreen uniform coat, turned up with black velvet ; gilt fugar-loaf buttons, and holes richly embroidered ; a white embroidered fatin waiſtcoat ; a crimson filk fafh, edged with gold ; a black velvet fword-belt, edged with gold ; and a rich fword highly ornamented ; a round beaver hat turned up in front, with a brilliant fet buckle and loop, and feveral fmall ftars, with two lofty black oftrich feathers ; a crimſon mantle thrown over his fhoulders, edged with gold, and fprin kled with ſmall ftars ; a green pair of Imperial inex preffibles, embroidered with gold, and a pair of boots, of fawn colour. Thus attired, His Imperial Majefty the Emperor fat on his throne with a lofty white wand in his right hand, and a fmiling pot of porter before him. The room, though very large, could not contain a tenth part of thoſe who came to pay him homage. His loving fubjects, however, were fatisfied with feeing His Imperial Majefty, and paying their cheerful tri bute. ADDRESS CORONATION AT GARRATT. 57 ADDRESS OF HIS IMPERIAL MAJESTY HARRY THE FIRST, EMPEROR OF GARRATT, TO HIS LOVING SUBJECTS. Ladies and Gentlemen-I know not which is moft painful, a full heart or an empty belly ; I am ready to burft with gratitude at fuch frequent and tranfcendent proofs of your kindneſs and attachment. Sir Harry Dimfdale, your once able, honeft, and worthy reprefentative, created fpontaneously the re doubtable Emperor of Garratt ! Proud day of my life ! May Harry 1. long enjoy the enviable honour you have fo freely conferred ! Long live the Emperor of Gar ratt! You have made me an Emperor ; I will not bafely degrade you by making you flaves ; I will not fupport my throne by acts of cruelty and tyranny ! I want no Mamelukes to protect me from the daggers of the distracted relatives of thofe I have murdered ; no Legion of Honour, or Legion of Devils, to furround my perfon. No ! Harry I. is not a Corfican, he is an Englishman, and English hearts engender no fuch crimes, and need no fuch protection. You may live happily during my Emperorship; you may warm the cockles of your heart by fwallowing a bumper glafs of the beft cordial gin, and your Emperor will not force you to mix bitters with it ; you may fill a pipe of the best Virginia, and quietlyfmoke it without fear of a bayonet being thruft into your guts. I will nei ther banish, poifon, nor ftrangle you. Ifyou prove tired of my reign, fhould you with me to budge, I am off in the twinkling of a pig's whiſper ; I'll bundle directly ! Dare every Emperor fay as much ? But that dreadful day will never come; the Emperor of Garratt loves his fubjects, and his fubjects' wives and daughters and they love him ; and even the infant offspring of his people exclaim, Harry the Emperor for ever!!!" OЯ. 16. D5 THE 58 CORONATION AT GARRATT . THE EMPEROR OF GARRATT TO THE EMPEROR OF THE FRENCH, ANNOUNCING HIS ELECTION TO THE THRONE OF GARRATT. [From the fame. ] DEAR EAR brother ofGaul, In perfon though ſmall, On ftilts most imperially mounted, While this farce you play, Permit me to fay, To me were your actions recounted : And I faid to myſelf, Since this little elf An Emperor fwears he will be, Pray why ſhould not I For that honour try ? I deſerve it as richly as he ! So to Wandsworth I ran, And thus i began, " Sons of Garratt ! attend to the chair ; Your Emperor fee, So by G-d I will be, For I fcorn the mean title of Mayor?? 1 frown'd, was elected, Just as I expected ; In fact, Sir, they durft not refuſe, Becaufe, Sir, I had, Better armed than clad, Some rafcals their numſkulls to bruife. And now, Bonaparte, With joy I impart, I'm at length made your Majefty's brother, So pr'ythee let me Your ambaffador fee, And I'll fend to Paris another. Aperfon of worth, Though a beggar by birth, 1 Aprince ODE TO THE EMPEROR OF GARRATT. 59 Aprince, too I fhortly ſhall make him . Be Talley his friend, Till Old Nick fhall fend His myrmidons hence ſtraight to take him. To chafte Jofephine, Your Emprefs fo fine, This letter confirms our fond greeting : The Empress of Garratt, Who dearly loves claret, Some muffins has fent for her eating !: Oct. 16. M. B. ODE TO HIS IMPERIAL MAJESTY THE EMPEROR OF GARRATT, ON HIS CORONATION BY THE POET LAUREAT OF CHICK LANE. [From the Oracle.] . PLAY the fiddle, ftrike the tabor, Scamps and kiddies come along, Ceafe this day from thieviſh labour, Lead the dance, and join the ſong. Ceafe, ceaſe, ye runners, ceafe your botheration, And fly to fee the Emperor's coronation ! Hail, mighty Emperor of this gay domain,. Where Freedom erft her purple banners rear'd, When Jackey Cade began his glorious - reign, And fcamps and kiddies no dread Bow Street fear'd. Reftore, restore our rights again, First of Emperors ! firft of men ! Against the bully blufterer of France, The pigmy monkey-tiger, will we go, While thou on thy dun donkey proud fhalt prance, And boldly lead to meet the rafcal foe. Him we deteft ! -him all the world believes Tobe the thief of thieves ; Monopolizer curft ! -Hell's oven bake him ! Or, fhould he live, may Jemmy Townſend take him ! D 6 . Imperial 60 AN IMPERIAL ODE. Imperial monfter ! How unlike to thee, Full of pleaſure, full ofglee ! Fortune fimiles, thou need'ſt not court her, She fmiles upon thee, like a pot of porter. Let Boney in his ſtolen trappings thine, While thou-Vox populi ! -haft right divine ! To rail 'gainst thine would be a cryingfin ; His, d-'me !-his, not worth a glafs of gin! No embaffy to him, but war for ever, The low-born villain yet fhall bite the duft; Send him no muffins, which thou mak'it ſo clever, But of thy wrathful ſword, oh, let him taſte the ruſt ! Nor fend to his vile wife a ſingle crumpet, Stuff not the vulgar maw of Barras' ftrumpet. Difdain mock Emperors, and let them fee Imperial dignity fhine forth in thee ! AN IMPERIAL ODE, MOST HUMBLY INSCRIBED TO THREE GREAT EMPERORS! THE EMPEROR OF HAYTI, THE EMPEROR OF CAUL, AND THE EMPEROR OF GARRATT! BY BARDD CLOFF. [From the General Evening Poft. ] A DOZENyears have ſcarcely yet expir'd, Since half the world of dignities were tir'd ; The Rights of Man, in falfe apparel clad , Drove many headstrong politicians mad, Who, full offury, utter'd dreadful cries Against crown'd heads, empires, and monarchies ; Stubborn democracy fill'd every page, And " Vive la liberte !" the fong At the tip end of every tongue Equality ! equality ! was all the rage ! Behold how fickle faſhion alters ! Thoſe who were bufily employ'd In building guillotines and twining halters For Lords, and Dukes, and Kings, Then deem'd fuch uſeleſs things, Determin'd AN IMPERIAL ODE. 61 Determin'd to have all deſtroy'd, Andthe rare fport of murd'ring them enjoy'd Now make imperial robes in ſtately rows, And coftly diadems to decorate plebeian brows ! Faſhions to other parts advance, The world well knows, from tafty France. There, now, mock majefty's diſplay'd, In proud and folemn pomp array'd, 'Midft crowds of lords and titled ladies, With princes and princeffes out of number : For titling now a noble trade is, Materials being found in every lumber ; No wonder, then, the influenza fpreads, ➡ Soon, half mankind will pant for crowned heads. Already three fam'd men-whoſe blood Flow'd long before old Noah's flood, Have foar'd above the vulgar herd, And fhew'd the world what great men dar'd ; For, lo ! the three are mighty Emperors rated, Self-honouring-ſelf- admiring-ſelf-created ! Firſt on the Imperial lift is ſeen The meek and modeft Napolene, Whofe pious foul is too fublime For one religion at a time ; We therefore ſee him at one view APagan, Muffulman, and Jew, And is as willing too, for aught we know, To kifs the fovereign Pontiff's toe ; Then of all faiths ſhould he be nam'd defender (Beſides the name by which he rules- "Sole Emperor of the fools !") Againſt the rude attacks of every vile pretender. Lo! next acroſs th' Atlantic main Another Emperor begins to reign ; The bumane fable chief, whoſe heart So well agrees with every other part ; Who rears a throne on poor Domingo's wrecks, Proclaiming Freedom to his brother blacks, Byfafteningyokes about their necks, And tying burdens on their backs ? 4 " 'Twas 62 MATRIMONY. "Twas Napolene who first found out by chance That mode of makingfree-thefashion is from France: The third who mounts the throne (I mean a ſtool ) , For all th' admiring world to ftare at, Claiming an equal right to rule Is our accomplish'd Emperor of Garratt ! Though laft we introduc'd great Harry's name, He's not the leaſt in wiſdom or in fame ; His qualities, like theirs, have long been tried, His title too fome think as good, 'Tis true his robe is not fo richly dy'd -in human blood ! Nor is his inexperienc'd royal heart Yet a proficient in the noble art,. His brother Napolene-whom furies bleſs ! At Jaffa practis'd withfuch greatfuccefs : Or that in which brave Deffalines delights, As lately practis'd on the wretched whites. Well, then, we'll grant thofe virtues ſtrongeſt In Emp'ror Deffalines and Emp'ror Nappy; Yet Harry's reign, perhaps, will be the longeft ; And Harry'sfubjects the most happy ! MATRIMONY. [ From the Morning Chronicle. ] MR. EDITOR, IF our dramatic writers are not witty in themſelves, they are at leaſt the cauſe that there is wit in other men. It has been for fome time their practice to give their performances fuch titles as may lead to puns, and other ſpecies of inferior wit ; and perhaps there may be prudence in this. They are but borrowing a hint from the authors of former times, who threw all their wit into the title- pages of their books, and, as Harry Fielding fays, very wifely, becaufe few people read much farther. However, Sir, the cafe is fomewhat MATRIMONY. 63 fomewhat different with plays ; but wherein the differ ence confifts I fhall not be fo rude as to ſtate. Mypurpoſe in theſe few lines is to inform you, that fince the appearance of " Matrimony, a Farce," at one of our theatres, there is nothing to be heard in the circles I perambulate, whether learned, grave, gay, or youthful, but a fucceffion of puns and witticifms at the expenſe of the connubial ftate-and, I am forry to fay it, the ladies are among the moft forward in this popgun exchange of bon mots. Afhrewd liftener may make another farce out of them, as witty, to the full, as any of our modern dramatifts can exhibit. " Pray, Ma'am, how do you like Matrimony ?"—___ "Why, Sir, thefirst act goes off very well, but the fe cond hangs very heavy- Pray, how do you like Ma trimony " " Oh, I am no judge of it, but it is very laughable-But I wonder they did not make a full piece of Matrimony. "-" Nay, fome people fay the fhorter the better. " " Is there much plot in Matri mony?"-" Not much, a little contrivance to bring the parties together; but one mayfoon fee how it will end ." 晨 "I fuppofe it will bring a good deal of money to the houfe."-" Ha! ha! ha ! that's a good joke. No ; Matrimony is more likely to take a great deal of money out of a houfe. "-" You have feen it a fecond time, I think, my Lord ? "-" Yes ; but faith I do not like it fo well as the firft. " (A loud laugh. ) " Well, but really, theſe kind of things feldom do above once." —“ No, Matrimony will not bear repetition ; it don't improve upon one."-" Pray, Sir John, have you ſeen Matrimony ?" " No, my Lady, I have enough of that at home ; ' pon honour, it ought to have been called a tragedy." " O fye, Sir John ! "-" Nay, my Lady, it is fo dull, and fuch abundance of crying." Is there good fcenery in Matrimony ?" " A tolerable chamber fcene in the first act, and after that, there is a good deal of fhifting of ſcene ; I wonder there was 64 SINGULAR ANECDOTE. was no perfpective of Doctors' Commons. "-" Why truly, I expected as much, when I obferved the intereft fall off." " Well, after all, my Lord, I am not for having Matrimony brought on the ftage to be laughed at." " O my Lady Dowager, I affure you there is not much laughing; it is grave enough for real life. " " How are the performers ?"-" Why, pretty well, confidering few of them are much acquainted with the fubject.'" " Well, truly, I wonder what they will bring out next ?"—" Why, The Divorce, to be fure, and that, fome of us know, will bring money to a houfe.” Sir, I might fill your paper with theſe jokes, but I am unwilling to anticipate fome of the newſpapers who deal in nothing elſe ; and if I have faved any one of their writers the trouble of gnawing his fingers, and fcratching his head for an hour, I fhall not think much of my labour in minuting down the effence of the wit oftwo routs and three tea-parties. I am, Sir, " BENEDICTUs. SINGULAR ANECDOTE. [Original. ] THE following moft extraordinary event happened in Lincolnshire laft autumn, and may be relied on as an abfolute fact. The violence of a fall deprived Sir Henry F. of his faculties, and he lay entranced feveral hours ; at length his recollection returned-he faintly exclaimed, "Where am I ?" and looking up, found himfelf in the arms of a venerable old man, to whoſe kind offices Sir H. was probably indebted for his life. revive, " faid the venerable old man ; " fear not ; yon der houſe is mine ; I will fupport you to it; there you fhall be comforted." Sir H. expreffed his gratitude. They walked gently to the houſe. The friendly affift " You 1 ance SINGULAR ANECDOTE. 65 ance of the venerable old man and his fervants reſtored Sir H. to his reafon ; his bewildered faculties were reorganized : at length he fuffered no inconvenience except that occafioned by the bruife he received in the fall. Dinner was announced, and the good old man entreated Sir H. to join the party ; he accepted the invitation, and was fhewn into a large hall, where he found fixteen covers ; the party confifted of as many perfons- no ladies were prefent. The old man took the head of the table ; an excellent dinner was ſerved, and rational converfation gave a zeft to the repaft. The gentleman on the left of Sir H. aſked him to drink a glass of wine, when the old man in a dignified and authoritative tone, at the fame time extending his hand, faid, " No ! " Sir H. was aftoniſhed at the fingu larity of the check, yet, unwilling to offend, remained filent. The inftant dinner was over, the old man left the room, when one ofthe company addreffed him in the following words : " By what misfortune, Sir, have you been unhappily trepanned by that unfeeling man who has quitted the room ? O Sir! you will have ample cauſe to curfe the fatal hour that put you in his power, for you have no profpect in this world but mifery and oppreffion, perpetually fubject to the capricious humour of that old man ; you will remain in this manfion for the rest of your days ; your life, as mine is, will become burdenfome ; and, driven to de fpair, your days will glide on, with regret and melan choly reflection, in one cold and miferable fameneſs. This, alas ! has been my lot for fifteen years ; and not mine only, but the lot of every one you fee here fince their arrival at this curfed abode !" The pathetic manner that accompanied this cheerleſs narrative, and the fingular behaviour of the old man at dinner, awoke in Sir H.'s breaft fentiments of horror, and he was loft in ftupor fome minutes ; when recovering he ſaid, έσ By what authority can any man detain me againſt my 66 SINGULAR ANECDOTE. 99. my will? I will not fubmit ; I will oppofe him force to force if neceffary. "—" Ah, Sir ! " exclaimed a fe cond gentleman, " your argument is juft, but your threats are vain ; the old man, Sir, is a magician ; we know it by fatal experience : do not be rafh, Sir; your attempt would prove futile, and your punishment would be dreadful . "-" I will endeavour to efcape, " faid Sir H. " Your hopes are groundleſs, " rejoined a third gentleman ; " for it was but three months ago, when in an attempt to eſcape I broke myleg. " Another faid he had broken his arm, and that many had been killed by falls in their endeavours to eſcape ; others had fuddenly difappeared, and never been heard of. Sir H. was about to reply, when a fervant entered the room, and faid his mafter wifhed to fee him ; "Do not go," faid one. " Take my advice," faid another ; " for God's fake do not go." The fervant told Sir H. he had nothing to fear, and begged he would follow him to his mafter ; he did, and found the old man feated at a table covered with a deffert and wine : he arofe when Sir H. entered the room, and aſked pardon for the apparent rudeness he was under the neceffity of committing at dinner ; " For, " faid he, " I am. Doctor Willis ; you muſt have heard of me ; I confine my practice entirely to cafes of infanity ; and, as I board and lodge infane patients, mine is vulgarly called a mad- houſe. The perfons you dined with are mad men : I was unwilling to tell you this before dinner, fearing it would make you uneafy ; for although I know them to be perfectly harmleſs, you very natu rally might have had apprehenfions." The furprife of Sir H. on hearing this was great ; his fears fubfiding, the Doctor and Sir H. paffed the evening rationally and agreeably. • GRACE ( 67 ) GRACE BEFORE MEAT. AN IMPROMPTU . DICK, the amongus! Thank God !" poet, fays grace in a manner moſt odd X: ON THE LATE MARRIAGE OF MR. COOK TO MISS MUTTON. MISS's prudence in marrying fhould not be o'erlook'd, was until it was Cook'd. THE GLUTTON. IMITATED FROM FONTAINE, IN CONTEMPLATION OF LORD MAYOR'S DAY. [From the Morning Chronicle. ] A GLUTTON, with a paunch and appetite More vaft than any Alderman, one night To his cook gave orders that a turbot For his own picking fhould be ferv'd up 'Tis done-he fups, and eats till almoſt dead ; His eyeballs roll-down falls his languid head ! His friends rufh in

With clam'rous din : The chere amie would have a will Some talk of clyfters, Some of blifters ; The heir at law contends he ſtill Has long to live, And would no doubt furvive. G Sudden he breathes again, and cries out-" Piſh ! Let's have no more to do ; And, fince at laſt I'm doom'd to go, Come, bring me back my fish." R. G. LINES ( 68 ) LINES BY A SATIATED OLD EPICURE, ON READING HIS BILL OF FARE FOR DINNER. [From the Morning Herald.] PSHAW! nought but turtle, fish , and chicken ! Theſe once I thought were pretty picking; Your venifon too was well enough, Fat ortolans, and all fuch ſtuff; On them I've made a fhift to dine, Then fill'd each cranny up with wine ; But now this world has nothing new, I therefore long to bid adieu, And try fome world beyond the moon, Where one might have a lufcious boon ! For here I ſtarve from day to day, And fret my folid felf away, That nothing new is to be found In air, on earth, or under ground. I've tafted all,-am pall'd- and with Of t' other world to tafte the fiſh. Ah! let me hafte, for now I figh The blifs ecftatic foon to try, Ofever cramming, ever thirsting, Ever drinking, never burſting. This body, when I've ta'en my flight To regions of eternal light, Let it be laid where worms may feaſt, And have one dainty meal at leaſt ; Not wrapp'd in lead, or patent coffin, Enough to fet dead men a-laughing; Too much have I enjoy'd good eating, To think my brother worms of cheating. TWILL THE DRUNKARD BURIED ALIVE FROM FONTAINE. [From the Morning Chronicle.] Α' LL have their fecret faults :—not man, Not woman, are from imperfections freed, Which neither fhame, nor even terror, can Eradicate. For proof this ſtory read : --- Avery THE INCONSOLABLE WIDOW. 69 Avery toper, who well lov'd his glafs, Was inj'ring fortune, health, and mind ; For drunkards, though their purſe be full, alas, Will foon its bottom find ! Once with a jovial ſet he carried on the game Till all his fenfes were in liquor drown'd : The friends retir'd-his wife, a prudent dame, Stretch'd on the floor his fenfelefs body found, And caus'd it to be plac'd within a tomb, Where, in the midſt of filent gloom, The bloated drunkard lay, Till all the fumes had work'd away. When waking, he obferves the den of death-→→→ There fees a coffin ſtanding at his feet, And here a pall and winding- fheet He fcarce through fear could draw his breath ! "What's here?" he cries : " my wife is fure a widow !" This faid, his fpoufe, dreft out like dame Alecto, With viſage maſk'd, and accent feign'd, Approaches, and prefents a foup which well Might Satan fuit. All this enough explain'd That he was now a citizen of hell. "What art thou ?" he to the fpectre cries : " The caterer of Satan," the replies : "I amintrufted with hell's ftock of meat, And tothe fhades fupply the food they eat. " Here he exclaims, before he well had time to think Why, what the devil ! -don't they drink ?” $6 THE INCONSOLABLE WIDOW. A WIDOW, forlorn for the lofs of her mate, Requested a friar t' impart confolation ; On Chriftian fubmiffion he long did dilate, And her duty to H--n of entire refignation. In vain all his rhet'ric the father employ'd, Ineffectual his fpeech onthe fair widow's grief; Such blifs had the dame with her huſband enjoy'd, No object on earth could afford her relief. R. G. The 70 LINES ON SIR RICHARD WORSLEY. The benevolent father would try ev'ry plan To dry and affuage the fad tears of diſtreſs ; Six times in fucceffion the prov'd him a man Full of zeal his good works on her heart to imprefs. Friar John's pious labours ftill did not fuffice : More yet the requir'd of divine inftillation ; She begg'd he'd proceed with his ghoftly advice ; "No, no," replied he ; " you're beyond confolation . ” J. B. t FEMALE PRUDENCE. So well the urchin Cupid play'd his part, He hit at length a rich old merchant's heart : -- The ledger and the bill- book now give way; E'en copying letters yields to love's ſoft ſway, Till, having gain'd the fair one's lingering " Yes," He ftraight propos'd a day to crown their blifs : " On Friday next, lov'd Celia, let's unite. " " Oh, no !" faid Celia : " that, you know, ' s poft night !" Vauxhall. G. W. LINES ON SIR RICHARD WORSLEY'S HAVING FORBIDDEN THE ADMISSION OF ANY PERSON TO SEE THE BEAUTIES OF APPULDERCOMBE, IN THE ISLE OF WIGHT. AN EPIGRAMMAIC. INDEED, my friend, there is no room To blame Sir Dick of App'ldercombe About his prefent prances ; You know full well, in days of yore, No knight did ere exhibit more To tickle others ' fancies ! He did his pliant ſhoulders lend, To hoift a Dilettanti friend ('Tis true upon my life), That he, with a lafcivious eye, Might thus more eaſily defery The fecret beauties of his bathing wife-l NIM. THE ( 71 ) THE RECONCILIATION. [From the Morning Chronicle. ] MR. EDITOR, ASSI take frequent opportunities to commend the ge neral conduct of your paper, I hope you will allow that I have a fort of right to find fault with any article that feems not confiftent therewith . At preſent I am difpofed to make a complaint of this kind ; but I muſt confefs that it will turn rather on the fin of omiffion than of commiffion, and that I prefume to cenfure not what you have done, but fomething which, in my humble opinion, you have neglected to do. I certainly, Sir, did expect, that when fo great an event as the reconciliation of Meffrs. Pitt and Adding. ton was announced to the public, you would have been more particular in your detail of that ever-memorable tranfaction, and more profufe in expatiating on the bleffings which it will bring on the continent of Eu rope, as well as on this happy ifle, which is more par ticularly privileged in being the fcene of one of the grandeft acts of pacification upon record in the hiſtory of mankind. But you muſt think I was not lefs hurt than furpriſed, to find that you were diſpoſed to paſs it over with tranfient mention, as a matter of little con fequence, and to leave to your cotemporaries, the minifterial writers, the full expanfion and exhibition of this tranfporting event. Permit me, therefore, to expoftulate with you, and them alfo, on this fubject, becauſe, however much I am inclined to praife their zeal and their minutenefs on fuch occafions, I difcover, even in them, more coolnefs and brevity than become the importance of the tranfaction . A few days ago we were informed that peace was concluded between the two Premiers. Now, whether the fuddennefs of the event, or a burſt of admiration at its ftupendous confequences, have benumbed the facul 2 ties 72 THE RECONCILIATION. ties of our journaliſts, I know not ; but it is certain that they have not yet afforded any regular detail of the circumftances which led to this great event. We have not even been told whether it is a fafe and honourable peace : we have no copy of the preliminaries, nor of the definitive treaty : we are not told howlong the high contracting parties had been fecretly negotiating, who were the plenipotentiaries on the occafion, nor have even the names ofthe couriers been given, whofe hufi nefs it was to carry backwards and forwards the projets and propofitions made by either party. We know not what conceffions have been made, what number of fquare inches of the Treaſury Bench are to be given up, and what retained ; what lines are to mark the boun daries betwixt the dominions of the high contracting parties, nor what acceffion of population is gained by Mr. Pitt. In a word, Sir, we are fo much in the dark about this matter, that many perſons are inclined to doubt whether the peace of Putney be one whit better than that of Amiens. Thus far, Mr. Editor, I think I may fafely blame your cotemporaries, as well as yourſelf, for neglect, and I certainly fhould do fo with fome degree of feve rity, did I not confider that perhaps the treaty may as yet not have paffed beyond the ftage of preliminary arrangement, and that there will be in the definitive treaty, certain fecret articles, which, like fhip- orders, are not to be opened until the parties arrive at a parti cular latitude. I am difpofed, therefore, to excufe the newſpapers upon this fcore, becauſe I conceive it im poffible for them to tell what they do not know. But cannot fo well excufe you for having ftopped here, and for having declined to exhibit, as fome of your cotemporaries have done, the immenfe advantages which must refult to the civilized, as well as the favage world, from this treaty of peace. While you feem to ſpeak of it with as little ceremony as if two fish women 3 THE RECONCILIATION. 73 women or lobby- loungers had agreed to ſhake hands, your cotemporaries exhibit the brighteft profpect of national happineſs and glory ; and let me tell you, Sir, that as it is natural to believe what we with, I have far more pleaſure in perufing their flattering furmifes than your melancholy ones. What, indeed, can be more alluring than the advan tages they deduce from this great event? We are taught to expect that it will lead to the pacification of Europe ; that Bonaparte having feen in this event, all his hopes blafted, will make a merit of refigning the crown into the hands of the united Minifters, and will plead that all the vigorous ſteps he has been taking for the last two or three years, were merely to root out all remains of republicanifm and liberty, and pave the way for the return of the Houfe of Bourbon, or any other houfe which the faid united Minifters may think proper to place in the heart of France. We are taught to expect that the ci-devant Emperor Napoleon, after being duly reprimanded by the Speaker, will retire on a penfion, for two lives, or half to Mrs. Bona parte, if the furvives him. We are taught, to expect that the Stadtholder will be recalled to the Hague, and that the Belgic Provinces will revert to the Houſe of Auftria ; that the Italian republics will again become kingdoms, and that the Pope will make his bulls roar over all the Catholic countries of Europe, as they were wont to do in his better days : and finally, when all thefe objects have been achieved, the united Minifters will procure indemnity for the paft and fecurity for the future, will reduce the taxes to the peace eſtabliſhment of 1783 ; that we fhall again eat our bread at fixpence per quartern, and drink our port at half-a-crown a bottle. That theſe are advantages of fome little importance, furely none can deny ; may I not then aſk why you feem inclined to fupprefs fuch intelligence yourfelf, and VOL. IX . E even 74 THE RECONCILIATION. even throw cold water on it, when given by your co temporaries ? I really am afraid, Sir, that you have been in a great meafure the caufe why this event is re ceived by the public with fo much indifference. It ap pears to meto have been admirably timed as a Chrift mas-box to the people of this nation, but they look at it as a watchman looks at a penny where he expected half- a- crown. It has added nothing to our feftivities. No man feems inclined to give up a flice of pudding for it. No extra bottles have been drank on the occa fion ; no man has got drunk in wiſhing that it may be a permanent peace. The united interefts of Putney. Heath and Richmond Park have created neither hope nor fear ; even curiofity is dumb, it aſks no queſtions about the matter, and feems to fay that it would have been content never to have heard of it . Mafter Betty's recovery is worth a fcore of fuch events ; and the two Premiers, with all their tricks and traps, their fudden changes and wonderful efcapes, cannot ftand a moment against the two pantomimes. No preparations are- ma king for illuminations ; the variegated lamps will not be diſturbed until the ladies ' routs begin ; the tallow . chandlers have had no extra orders ; no man will burn his candles at both ends, becauſe Mr. Pitt and Mr. Ad dington have gained theirs. All this is wonderful, Mr. Editor, but it is true. Wherever my reſearches have extended , I find that families and individuals go on juft as if no fuch event had happened ; and what, in my humble opinion, completes the climax of neglect and indifference, the bellman's verfes have not a word upon the fubject. Infenfible, however, as we are, a few days will, I doubt not, fhew us that the powers on the continent will be fuitably affected. As to our great enemy, his agonies must be indefcribable : I long to know what mad freak he will be guilty of firft. Will he fend the Pope to blefs his flotilla, or to burn it ?-Will he in vade THE OMISSION. 75 vade us with a fleet of boats, or a ſtring of propo fitions ? Will he burft fwearing, or die laughing ? Certainly the effect will be extraordinary ; and I hope, Sir, that, although you have been hitherto remifs in your duty, you will not fail to inform us what part of Europe feels the fhock of this earthquake, and what ufurpers and republics are fwept away by the hurricane and overflowing of the united ſtreams. I am, Sir, yours, &c . Jan. 1, 1805. AN UNIONIST. THE OMISSION, A NEW BALLAD. WRITTEN ON A MINISTER'S OBSERVING IN THE HOUSE, AFTER ENUMERATING A VARIETY OF ADDITIONAL (6 TAXES, THAT HE BEGGED PARDON FOR AN UNIN TENTIONAL OMISSION ." [From the Britiſh Preſs.] AT a certain great Houſe, Where a Premier of courſe Sat taxing each ſex and condition ; In fpite of contrivance, He found in his finance, A quite " unintended omiffion." "Your pardon, " quoth he : "'Tis granted," ſaid we; And, for once, you'll meet no oppoſition ; Since if poor horfes' backs Muft bear double tax, " Be affur'd we'd prefer an omiffion.' "And as you difcourage Freſh falt to our porridge, By taxes that need no addition, Each houſewife muſt wiſh To feafon her diſh Under favour of fuch an omiffion.' 6 Tol de rol. E 2 Tol de rol, Tol de rol. 66 But 76 THE OMISSION . " But if, in default Ofmere common falt, The Attic comes in requifition, Let the wits of the day Their talents diſplay, And propofe to encore the omiffion.' "Yet while on our letters To friends, fair, or betters, On bufinefs, love, or petitions, The charge fo immenfe is, It trebles expenſes, We fear but too many omiffions. ' - < “ Then as we are living, We're always a-giving, Or with or without our permiffion, At least let the grave Some benefit have, 6 And the legacy-tax an omiffion.' "Still, it feems, you contrive That fome folks fhould thrive, Though others lofe all acquifition ; For the duties on wine You'll never refign Which the public may Now let not my ſtory, By Whig, or by Tory, Be fcann'd with unjuft difquifition ; But ev'ry true Briton Its right meaning hit on, Nor of loyalty call it omiffion .' Bolton, Lincoln/hire. Tol de rol. Tol de rol. Tol de rol. feel ' an omiffion.' Tol de rol. Tol de rol. “ And fhould Bonaparte For Old England ſtart, May his myrmidons ne'er find admiffion Where freedom can fing, Here's God fave the King,' . 6 And his fubjects, without one ' omiffion. ' " King George for ever ! Tol de rol. THE ( 77 ) THE NEW SALT-TAX EVADED. [From the Morning Chronicle. ]

---

" DEAR Salt, " exclaims John Bull, " bereft of thee,

Taftelefs henceforth my poor repaſt will be. " " Bereft of Salt ! Pflaw, John, difmifs your fears : You ftill may falt your porridge with your tears." THE TEARS OF THE CREWETS, ON TAXING SALT AND VINEGAR. [From the fame-] TWO fulky Salt- cellars contriv'd to meet Apenfive Pepper-box in Downing Street KARY And there conven'd in factious confultation The motley Crewets of Adminiſtration. Old Melville's Muftard- pot refus'd to come, Haggis and Trotters kept him cloſe at home ; Pitt's peevish Vinegar made no delay, Nor the ſmooth taftelefs Oil of Caftlereagh ; The Sugar-cafter Wilberforce fupplied , And preach'd like Pollux by his Caftor's fide. Much Salt complain'd, much Vinegar deplor'd 'The tax that forc'd them from the pauper's board ; Much curs'd the country gentlemen, whoſe bags Shrunk at the taxing of the farmers' nags, Who left poor Vinegar, like Mum and Malt, To fhare the grievances endur'd by Salt Not Attic falt--for Billy Pitt they knew Had not an ounce of that ' mong all his crew : Curs'd old George Rofe, who ſtated from his cook How little Salt his Hampshire bacon took→ Salt to his porridge George had got before,. Nor car'd what fuff'rings pub.ic porridge bore " What honeft humble fauce can long enjoy His fair fecurity ?" cried gloomy Soy ; 66 Catchup, perchance, may ' fcape the lucklefs hour, So many Mushrooms now have place and pow'r; Finance's pettifogging picklig plan May ftrike at Onions, and excife Kian ; E 3 While 78 TO MR. WINDHAM, ON THE SALT- TAX. While ftamps and annual licenſe muſt be got For all who relifh Garlic or Chalot. " Poor Barto Valle, melancholy Burgefs ! Victims of Pitt, and Hufkiffon, and Sturgefs, Ah! look not four ; for Pitt, ferene and placid, May tax four looks, that univerfal acid ! Ah! drop no tear, for Billy won't relax, And tears are Salt, and liable to tax ! " So wail'd the Crewets, till, the meeting clos'd, This refolution Salt at laft propos'd " That Vinegar and he fhould jointly ſport A new Sauce-piquante for the Tenth Report. " SAL SAPIT OMNIA. [From thefame.] "SALTfrom corruption keeps the conftitution" This aphorifm is true, experience backs it ; And it affords a very fair folution Why Minifters of late fo highly tax it. TO MR. WINDHAM, ON THE SALT TAX. [From the fame.] PITT from no fav'rite ſcheme relaxes, Yet why fhould you his budget heed ? It is not Attic falt he taxes, For then you might complain indeed. MORE ABOUT IT. [From the fame.] " BEFR EFRIEND the poor, " the Premier's boafted tale is ; But we muſt take it now cum granofalis. The ancient Romans under Salt combin'd All that joke, fun, and witty jeft exprefs ; While modern ingenuity, we find , Çan make it mean oppreffion and diſtreſs. ON THE SALT-TAX WITLINGS. 79 " He cannot earn falt to his porridge," we know Was the fatire on Indolence' utmoſt exceſs ; But Induſtry's felf without porridge must go, If it waits now to earn what fhould feafon the meſs. Salt must be poignant to be good, I trow ; The devil's in ' t if Pitt ha'n't made it fo. Our economic men in modern life Have envied Lot his metamorphos'd wife ; Pitt leaves no prudent ſcheme like this to thrive on Such a dead wife would coft more than a live one. Tax on, friend Pitt, be bold and bluff, In power and plunder mickle ; John Bull will still find Salt enough To keep a rod in pickle. ON THE SALT-TAX WITLINGS. AN EPIGRAM. [ From the Morning Poft.] Nullaque mica falis , nec amari`fellis in illis Gutta fit MARTIAL. THE Premier to falt fome poor witlings have tried, Of the leaven of party who favour ; But their ſhafts are fo blunt, it can't fure be denied, That theirfeas'ning wantsſharpneſs and flavour. Then, Meffieurs, give point, if you can, to your wit, If with rod ſteep'd in brine you would tickle ; Or elfe all your falting will ne'er affect Pitt, And none but yourſelves you willpickle. PUNCTUM SALIENS. ANOTHER. [From the Oracle. ] CEASE, ceaſe to murmur ! ceafe, ye Grub Street throng, Who blame the Salt Tax in infipid fong. Why fhould ye rail ? -Of what are ye afraid ? This tax has not yet touch'd your fcribbling trade ; And ftill you may avoid it-take advice Write, as you have done, without Salt or Spice. QIN THE CORner. E 4 THE ( 80 ) THE IRISH DRUMMER: A TALE. [From the European Magazine. ] Evitatâ Charybdi in Scyllam incidere. " Out of the frying-pan into the fire ." DISCONTENT is by foreigners confidered a trait in the British character ; and it is thought to be ftrongly diſplayed in the ever-varying ſtate of public opinion. To examine the acts of Adminiftration to condemn and approve them at pleafure-is the pe culiar right of Britons ; and if the exercife of this in valuable birthright deferve the title of diſcontent, long may it be our characteriſtic ! The poor Soldier, in the following tale, is no unapt reprefentation of John Bull, when writhing under the effect of taxation. With great exertion he fucceeds in throwing off the income-tax-and what then ? Why, he is loaded with the property- tax in its ſtead. A SOLDIER, fo at leaft the ftory goes, It was in Ireland I believe,` Upon his back was fentenc'd to receive Five hundred gentle cat- and-nine- tail blows ; Moft fagely military law providing, The back alone fhall fuffer for backfliding. Whether his crime was great or finall, Or whether there was any crime at all, Are facts which this deponent never knew ; But though uncertain whether juftly tried, The man he knows was to the halberd tied, And hopes his readers will believe fo too. Suppofe him, then, faft to the halberd bound, His poor companions ftanding filent round, Anticipating ev'ry dreadful fmack ;

While Patrick Donovan, from Wicklow county, Is juft preparing to beſtow his bounty, Or beat quick time upon his comrade's back. Of ftoics much we read in tales of yore, Of Zeno, Poffidonius, Epictetus, Who, unconcern'd, the greateſt torment bore, Or elfe there ancient flories ftrangely cheat us. My THE IRISH DRUMMER. 81 My hero was no ftoic, it is plain ; He could not fuffer torments and be dumb, But roar'd, before he felt the fmaileft pain, As if ten rufty nails had pierc'd his bum. Not louder is the terror-fpreading note Which iffues from the hungry lion's throat, When o'er Numidian plains, in fearch of prey, He takes his cruel, life- deftroying way. The firſt two ſtrokes, which made my hero jump, Fell right across the confines of his rump ; On which he piteoufly began to cry, " Strike high ftrike high ! for mercy's fake ftrike. high !" Pat, of a mild, obliging difpofition, Could not refufe to grant his friend's petition. An Irishman has got a tender heart, And never likes to act a cruel part ; Pat gave a good example to beholders, And the next ſtroke fell on his comrade's fhoulders !' Our fuff'ring hero now began to roar As loud, if not much louder than before : At which Pat loft all patience, and exclaim'd, While his Hibernian face with anger flam'd, " The devil burn you ! can't your tongue be ſtill ? There is no plafing you, ftrike where one will !" error. In wiſhing to find an application for the above tale, on fecond thoughts, I believe I have fallen into an. The people of Great Britain may with juſtice fee! proud of their behaviour at the prefent moment.. Perhaps there never was a nation more threatened with danger, or which had more difficulties to encounter ; and I may fafely add, there never was a nation which met danger with more fortitude, or made the necef fary facrifice of their prefent eafe with more cheerful nefs. I must therefore beg my reader's excufe for what has been faid ; and leave it to his own ingenuity to difcover a more fit application to the tale with which, by permiffion of its author, I have endca youred to amufe him. HERANIO. 1. 5. THE ( 82 ) THE COALITION FEAST. [ From the Oracle. ] HASTE! hafte, my mufe ! attune your lyre, And fing with true poetic fire The Coalition Dinners ! Where Fox and other Patriots meet, To d-n the Minifter-and eat Like epicurean finners : Patriots I mean of modern fame Patriot was once a glorious name, The ftate's the monarch's friend ; But now he' s quite another thing ; He cares for neither ftate nor king Int'reft's his only end ! - Fox takes the chair-beneath his nofe Acod's tremendous mazard glows, Not much unlike his own : F-tzpck near him finds a feat ; But Charles fo much admires the meat, He gives him but the bone. " Zounds ! " cries the Gen'ral, " can't you ſpare Your ancient friends a better share ? 'Tis an ill- aug'ring trick ! Should you obtain your Treafury wishes, You'd fwallow thus the loaves and fishesAnd give us bones to pick. " } Charles fmil'd- he knewthe thing was true, Preciſely what he wifh'd to do; Now let the mufe relate (For the ' s in a deſcriptive mood) What various forts of kindred food Adorn'd each member's plate. Beneath the drowſy Welſhman's chin I mean Sir W-n Wms W-nne, A huge pig's face lay fmoking ; Depriv'd of brains, and fo immenſe, 'Twas like his own in fize and fenfe! By G ! I am not joking. W-ndh m THE COALITION FEAST. 83 W-ndh-m was nice beyond belief ; At laſt a ſteak of baited beef Obtain'd his approbation. The meat was tough, it is confeſt, Unfav'ry, coarfe, hard to digeft Juft like bis late oration. Will M-d- cks, and theſmallerfry, Chofe, what they call'd, a pigeon-pie, But rooks, I ween, compos'd it. Methinks it was a crying fin To take thefe fucking patriots in, And therefore I ' ve expos'd it. Calves beads were plentifully ftrew'd Among the Coalition brood, Though brains were ſcarce indeed ; For, bating of a chofen few Who underſtand a thing or two 'Tis a moft fenfelefs breed. The cloth remov'd, the bottle ran, As lightning fwift, from man to man Each gave his fav'rite toast ; 1 But that which pleas'd them moſt of all Was-" May the Miniſtry foon fall ! And may we rule the roaft !" At length, how chang'd the feſtive board ! W-ndh-m grew fick, Sir W-tk-n fnor'd ; Numbers extendedlay ; When Charley, who had ta'en his fill, Left Parflow fhould bring in the bill, Stole filently away. March 18th. E 6 QIN THE CORNER. ODE ( 84 ) ODE TO ST. PATRICK'S DAY. HUMBLY IMITATED FROM DRYDEN. [From the Oracle. ] 'TWASat the glorious feaſt on Patrick's day, Who holds o'er Erin ſway, Fitzgerald took the chair, (For Moira was not there Becauſe he was away. ) The gallant throng were plac'd around ; Their brows withShamrock and with vine- wreaths bound : So fhould Hibernia's fons be crown'd.. There Lords and Commons, Tories, Whigs, Swill'd wine till fome were drunk as pigs ; While martial bands play'd Irish jigs. Happy ! happy ! happy train ! 'T is you alone, 'Tis you alone, "T is you alone deferve Champaign ! There Hill's and Dignum's voice Bellow'd than bulls more loud ; Except the bulls which form'd the crowd, Who roar'd a fupernat❜ral noife, With Iriſh lungs endow'd. Now various toafts began ; " The King, " and many a loyal man, Were drunk-with " Patriot Sh- r-d-n St. Patrick's vot'ries no diftinctions own, Confufion reigns, and reigns alone ; Nor were the toasts all maſculine The mother of St. Pat was giv'n, and drunk with three times three. The frantic crowd admire the cheering found ! " St. Patrick's mother !" wild they fhout around ; " St. Patrick's glorious mother !!" heaven and earth re found. With joy elate Fitzgerald fate ; He feem'd a God Among the fquad, And fhook his fapient pate. The ODE TO ST. PATRICK'S DAY. 85 The praife of M-r-, then-who fhould have fill'd his place, The worthy chairman fpoke, with modeft grace. " Alas ! my brother Teagues, " he cried, " Prudence is to us denied, Or (though you call'd me there, ) I had refus'd the chair. Nor feebly thus great M-r-'s place fupplied." Thus the man of modeft grace. Then his friends the wink he tipt, All their glaffes fill full meafure, 'Twas a toast all drank with pleaſure, In full meaſure, With vast pleaſure, "The conquerors of Egypt !" At this the heroes, juſtly vain, " Fought all their battles o'er again ; " " And thrice they routed all their foes ; and thrice they flew the flain." Now toafts were ended, madneſs rofe, Sleep, charity, distraction, oaths, Were mingled in one common maſs, And God knows what had come to paſs, Had not the chairman cried, (Which ſtopt their paflion's tide, ) " Lo ! yonder man of vaft defert, Poor parfon D-dl-y B- t- ! Fall'n fall'n ! fall'n ! Fall'n, in a drunken ftate, And wallowing in dirt ; Deferted in his utmoſt need By thofe with whom he lately fed, On the bare floor expos'd he lies, And not a friend regards his fighs." D-ck Sh-r-d-n with joyless vifage fate, Revolving in his troubled foul The various turns offate-All know His hopes were crufh'd by P-tt's control, Just as they ' gan to grow. The wily patriot wifh'd to be Aminifter of high degree, And 86 Ode to st. PATRICK'S DAY. And thought to gain the Doctor's love Was the beſt ſtep to mount above. Since the change of men and meaſures He can hope no golden treaſures : Το " Duns," he cries, " are a d-d trouble ; Honour's but an empty bubble ! pay debts there's no beginning ; Some may think it mighty pretty; I think otherwife-though winning Hundreds in a night by B-tty !" B-rrym-re, and F- l - x near him, Who were much rejoic'd to hear him, Exulting rend the fkies with loud applauſe ; For he defended with his own their cauſe. P-rk-r, unable to conceal his pain, No longer waits With duplicates: He figh'd and dunn'd figh'd and dunn'd Sigh'd and dunn'd, but dunn'd in vain. At length, with grief and wine at once oppreft, The meagre pawnbroker- retir'd to reſt. Now let the mufe in bolder ſtrain Sing the vaft prodigies which yet remain Sing how the dozing drunkards wonder'd ; Rous'd by the fhouts-they thought all nature thunder'd. E'en poor parfon B-t Erected his pate, And amaz'd he ftar'd around. " More wine !! more wine !!" the Parfon cries. " Coming!". Waiter replies. " Coming? dam'me, Sir, where ?" (For his Rev'rence can fwear ; ) And defire ſparkled wild in his eyes *.

• In the Oracle, a few days after, appeared the following letter :

REV. BATE DUDLEY. " To the Editor of the Daily Advertifer, Oracle, and True Briton. " SIR, " I HAVE received a ſerious injury by a falfe and calumnious allufion to me in your paper of Thurfday laft : I am repreſented in an Qde, 25. ODE TO ST. PATRICK'S DAY. 87 Behold the drunken band, Each a glafs in his hand, The fons of St. Patrick refolv'd not to reft, Till, with liquor oppreft, They might ſtill be confeft The moft drunken crew That England e'er knew.” Now madd'ning they bellow-wild with excefs ; Now they tofs chairs and tables on high, And broken glaffes from all quarters fly. The Nobles applaud, with a furious joy; Lord K-ng feiz'd a bottle with zeal to deſtroy, And mark'd for his prey All that fell in his way Deftruction now became the heroes' fole employ. Thus long ago, When Bacchanals were held below, The god who rul'd thoſe feafts Made all as wild, as drunk as beaſts : as conducting myſelf at the late meeting of the Society of St. Patrick's, in a manner very ill becoming my profeffional character, or the office I filled, as one ofthe ftewards of that benevolent inftitution. " In affuring you that I retired, as foon as I had diſcharged the duties which had devolved upon me, without having given any cauſe what ever for this grofs imputation on my conduct, I truft that I entitle myſelfto your candid refutation of the unfounded ſtatement which I complain of. " I am, Sir, yours, &c. Sloane Street, March 23, 1805.

• We think we cannot more fully comply with the wiſhes of the Reverend Gentleman whofe fignature now appears before us, than by

the infertion of his own letter. Every perſon who knows him will readily admit, that of moft men he is the leaft apt to fuffer under the influence of the jolly god. He is now, we underſtand, about to retire to Ireland, where his great merits have obtained for him very honour able and very lucrative church preferments. We have no doubt but that in his new fituation he will diſcharge his public duty with all that zeal and activity which ſo laudably diftinguiſhed his conduct as a paſtor and a magiftrate in the county of Effex. We have no hesitation in acknowledging, that the infinuations noticed by him were fuch evi dent deviations from propriety, that we are aſtoniſhed how either he or any other gentleman fhould for a moment imagine that they could feriously injure his fair fame ; and we believe that he, who in his time has been accuſtomed to fiction, will ſee howvery difficult it is for a poet to adhere to truth, And " H. BATE DUDLEY." 88 PUBLIC THEATRICALS. And potent wine Could then make wife men fools - and vice and virtue join. At laft St. Patrick took his flight, The watch cried-" Twelve o'clock at night ! " The drunken fquadron fought the tavern door. Enlarg'd their former narrow bounds, The Strand with bell'wing fhouts refounds, And genuine Irish wit—a thing till then unknown. Let England's fons, if they are wife, Yield Ireland this renown ; They carry off the drunken prize, Wefeek a nobler crown. Think not the mufe would fatirize The charitable caufe, For which thefe worthies met-Ah ! no ! That challenges applaufe. Nor does the aim her miffile darts Atgenerous loyal Iriſh hearts : "T is only at the wretched few Whom faction vile has funk, Who ever wifhing fomething new, Are always railing-and are often -drunk. QIN THE CORNER. PUBLIC THEATRICALS. [From the Britiſh Prefs.] NATIONAL THEATRE.. A NEW piece, entitled The Tenth Report, is in preparation, and will fhortly be produced at this theatre. It was originally intended by the author for a farce; but being lately fubmitted to the examination of fome fhrewd critics, they thought the fable and incidents were more in the wayof tragedy. The piece. has been got up at great expenfe, and reflects much. credit upon the liberality of the managers. The fcenery is very grand, but it betrays marks of dirty hands. End of the first act, a Scotch ftrathspey to the tune 3 of PUBLIC TREATRICALS. 89 of" Money in both Pockets," by Vifcount Mand Mr. T—— r. The following extract may ferve as a fpecimen of the dialogue. ACT I. SCENE II. Enter Mrs. BUSY und Mr. Buz. Mrs. Bufy. Mercy on me ! TheTenth Report ! I hear of nothing but the Tenth Report ! The invafion and Bonaparte are both laid afide for the Tenth Report. Surely we cannot have lived fo long in the commer cial and fashionable world, to be told now for the first time of the Tenth Report. I was laft evening at a party in the weft end of the town, where, I am cer tain, I could not have heard fewer than five hundred reports. Let me fee : Eve intrigued with the ferpent ; that was the first report ; and moft affuredly, if Adam had any friends or neighbours, he muft have heard more than the Tenth Report before he left Paradife. Mr. Buz. Pfhaw ! Mrs. Bufy, what are you about? The Tenth Report is a catamaran. It's a blunderbufs of enormous calibre. It contains a charge of many thousand pounds. A Noble Viſcount, who has dif tinguiſhed himself in the navy department, and was prefent in the attack upon the Boulogne flotilla , de clares he dreads its exploſion more than the thunder of all the batteries in France. Enter Mr. Serjeant CUNNING. Serjeant Cunning. Scandal and catamarans ! The Tenth Report is a libel, it is a bill of indictment againſt the honefteft man in the country. It contains the moft unwarrantable charges. It contains fuch counts Mr. Buz. Ay, and fuch difcounts as will puzzle your arithmetic. Enter M-K SPR-T, a deaf and dumb Boy : he beckons the parties away. [Exeunt omnes, ( 90 ) A FULL AND PARTICULAR VINDICATION OF LORD VISCOUNT MELVILLE AND MR. ALEX ANDER TROTTER. [From the Morning Chronicle. ] MR. EDITOR, ASS an impartial man, I expect you will infert fome obfervations that have occurred to me in behalf of Lord Melville and Mr. Alexander Trotter, againſt fome fad Reports refpecting them, which have found their way into your paper. In the first place, I think we are bound in fairneſs to confider the character of the parties accufed, and weigh them well againſt the crimes imputed to them ; and, in this view, I am confident it will be fufficient for moſt men, to ftate that by Lord Melville is meant the noted Henry Dundas, who has filled, at fundry times and in divers adminiſtrations, almoft every po litical office under the Crown : and that this Mr. Trotter is a countryman of his own, felected by him felf, after undoubted knowledge and experience of his uſefulneſs, and own brother to two other Trotters of diftinguiſhed ability and great confequence in this metropolis ; the one a partner in a banking-houſe, which I need not name, and the other the moſt fuc cefsful army-contractor that has yet arifen. I think I have faid quite enough on this head ; but it may not be fuperfluous to add, that a charge of rapacity is very little applicable to a Noble Lord who has been all his life diftinguifhed for a fplendid dif regard ofmoney, and who is juftly extolled by a learned nephew of his own, now Lord Chief Baron of Scot land, in an inaugural thefis, dedicated to his Lord hip (a copy of which I procured at great expenfe, out of a fondnefs for every thing Dundaffian), as a perfon "vindex avaræfraudis, et abftinens cuncta ad fe du centis VINDICATION of Lord MELVILLE, &c. 91 centis pecunia ;" which I need not inform you, fig nifies that he was then (fcilicet, in 1781 ) the hunter down of depredators and peculators, and one that fcorned to diſcount bills with the public money. As for the other party involved, namely, Mr. Mark Sprott, ftock-broker and money-lender, I leave him to himſelf, in refpect the faid Mark hath taken coun fel's opinion, and thereupon refufeth to anſwer inter rogatories. And here I cannot help wifhing that Mr. Alexander Trotter had either confulted Mr. Mark Sprott's counfel, or taken Hamlet's, who advifest clowns to ſpeak nothing more than is fet down for them ; and then there would have been lefs occafion for his juftificatory paper. To fay the truth, I cannot fee why Mr. Alexander Trotter might not very fairly have availed himſelf of thedelicate and confidential tranfactions of Go vernment, which public duty reftrained" Lord Mel ville from revealing. If he had refolutely held his tongue, I do not fee, by the Report, what power the Commiffioners had to draw out his fecrets . But as a clue has fomehow or other been afforded, I am willing to follow the thread ; and I have no doubt I fhall pro duce to all firm friends of His Majefty's government fufficient arguments for voting againſt the proceedings that may be hereafter moved by their enemies with regard to the noble and honourable nien ( they are all honourable men) now brought before the public. The Commiffioners would roughly have a man to confefs or deny whether he received any advantage from what is called the perverfion of the public money. And becauſe the Noble Lord and the worthy Pay mafter, and Mr. Mark Sprott, their ftock-broker, are all fhy in aufwering, it is infinuated that this arifes from a confcioufnefs of guilt. But it appears to me that the Commiffioners do not take the proper way with thoſe perfonages ; for although his Lordship 4 might 92 VINDICATION OF LORD MELVILLE might confefs much over a bottle, he has the prece dent of Sir John Falftaff in his favour, not to " give a reafon on compulfion, though reaſons were as plenty as blackberries." But, Sir, 1 proceed at once to take the bull by the horns. Let me then admit, with Mr. Alexander Trotter, that the public money was, on fome occa fions, taken out of the Bank, and privately applied by him to the difcounting of bills ; and to confefs, with Lord Melville, that his Lordship did not difcounte nance this arrangement : -yet, non liquet, as Lord Kenyon was wont to fay, that the profits thence arifing were applied to their own individual ufes. The fame attention to the public comfort which induced Lord Melville to accommodate the other departments of Government with Navy money, might very natu rally have induced him to apply the profits we are now Speaking of to difinterefted , though fecret purpoſes. I do not pretend that either Lord Melville or Mr. Alexander Trotter has endowed hofpitals or alms houfes ; but there are a thouſand ways of employing fmall articles of profit with lefs oftentation. Mr. Alexander Trotter, for example, is a fubfcriber to the Scottish Hofpital in Crane Court, and Lord Melville is Chairman of the Society of the Ruptured Poor, which cannot coft him lefs than ten pounds a year. And as the whole gain arifing from Mr. Alexander Trotter's account at Coutts's, fuppofing it to have been equally divided between him and Lord Melville, could fcarcely be taken at more than twenty-five or thirty thoufand pounds each per annum ( after deducting Mr. Mark Sprott's commiffion ) , it may be easily feen how all this mighty profit might flide away without entering the pockets of the parties :-Not to mention the laud able and generous purpofe of encouraging and fup porting young beginners like Thomas Coutts and Co. with a few millions now and then, to facilitate their operations · AND MR. TROTTER. 93 operations in the city. And as it has been com plained of, that the Bank is thy of difcounting the paper ofthe merchants, preferring Exchequer and Navy Bills, I confefs I am partial to Mr. Alexander Trotter's notion of taking the Navy money out of its coffers to affift the merchants, or at leaft to rival the Bank in the purchaſe of Government fecurities . Then, as to the charge againft Mr. Alexander Trot ter, that he blended the public money at Coutts's with his own private cafh, I cannot but think he is here more to be praiſed than blamed . For it clearly fhewed his patriotic confidence in the funds of the country in trufting his own little private ftock and the favings of his hard-earned eight hundred pounds a year, in the fame account with fifteen millions of Go vernment money. There is another thing here, that, as an English man, makes me proud, when I confider the effect that this Report muft have among foreign nations. Good heavens ! how it muft aftonifh Bonaparte to fee the credit and refources of this country ; when a clerk, a clerk at 8ool. a year, with coal and candles and ftationary, fhall pay his banker a million fterling (four and twenty millions, Bonaparte, of your francs) on his private account, in one day, and that ( as he de clares) without the leaft lofs to the nation ! But the Commiffioners do not feem to have viewed the fubject in this generous light ; elfe they could not have imagined, that, becaufe they themfelves chooſe to ferve the country for nothing, a clerk fhould do fo too, or do it for 8ool. a year, which is nearly as bad. Indeed this want of liberality appears through the whole Report ; for they confider all Treaſurers of the Navy alike, and would ftint them all equally to a bare falary of 4000l. a year. I do not deny them that Barré had no more, nor Bayning, nor Brother Bragge, nor Tierney, nor Lord Harrowby. Neither do I contradict 94 VINDICATION OF LORD MELVILLE, &c. contradict them when they affert, that none of thofe gentlemen made any advantage out ofthe public money beyond their falary. But I confider the cafe of Lord Melville, who has had the office twice, and at one time fixteen years together, to be very different from that of the others, who had fcarcely time to underſtand their bufinefs. Moreover, all thoſe were men, as far as appears, in eafy circumſtances, and had no occa fion for extraordinary fupplies. I would, therefore, put it to the candour of every impartial gentleman, whether fome allowance ought not to be made in fa vour of a perſon in the hard fituation of Lord Melville, who, as the Report itſelf admits, " ftood charged on the 31st of December 1785, with 275,820l. 158. 11d. due by him to the public, out of which fum, and other advanced to him, he has continued to make pay ments as an Ex- treaſurer. ” My heart bleeds, Sir, at the idea of a man being expected to pay a debt of three hundred thouſand pounds out of a falary of four thousand pounds a year, and that an old debt too ; a debt, Sir, of twenty years ftanding-and the Lord knows what other debts there may be of more recent date. Then, as to the argument that Government might have fuffered by the operations at Coutts's, in cafe of the infolvency of Mr. Alexander Trotter, I need only fay, that there could be no danger of this kind, unlefs, like Mr. Aflet ofthe Bank, he had rifked the property in wild fpeculation ; which, under the guidance of Mr. Mark Sprott, Mr. Alexander Trotter could fcarcely do. And, laftly, it ought to be confidered, with re fpect to Mr. Alexander Trotter, that even although he may have been laying out the public money for private purpoſes, for the laft eighteen or nineteen years, during which he has been Paymafter, yet that he has now made ample atonement ; fince it appears from HINTS FOR CLENCHING THE NAIL, &c. 95 from the Report, that, " after he quitted office, " he propofed a plan to Mr. Tierney, which was adopted, " that put an effectual bar to the practice that had prevailed during the treaſurerfhip of Lord Melville." So that, by Mr. Trotter's difintereſted care, nobody can hereafter pervert the public money but himſelf. March 21 . Yours, &c. HINTS FOR CLENCHING THE NAIL OF THE TENTH REPORT. [From the Morning Herald.] MR. EDITOR, THE HE following probably dropped out of fome Great Man's pocket; I picked it up, and, being no poli tician myſelf, fend it to you, who, knowing the P's and Q's of your party people, will, I fhould fancy, foon unravel the defign ; and if it cannot be turned to any good purpoſe, you may, at leaſt, contrive to let the private owner have his fcrawl again. Yours, AYEOMAN OF BUCKS. THOSE who fo awkwardly beftride the Sea Horfes at Charing Crofs, attack daily ! -Call them a board of botching tailors : -Lord M. might be made to burn his fingers with his own goofe : -a good joke ! -Rob bery of public purfe ! peculations ! ftock-jobbing ! fcaffolds ! and axes ! -to be uſed freely-inceffantly ! Mem. T to keep to plain, ferious lying : not , to attempt wit, except a flang ballad for Wapping. Afew fharpfquibs for the Jacks at the fea- ports ; Subject - Navy Office robbed of millions-poor fea men, therefore, to be put on fhort allowance ofgrog -another mutiny-not impoffible ! -Ply the Evening Papers with plenty of figures -nothing more naturally confufes country gentlemen, few of whom can caft up their own accounts ! -An etching in charcoal-two tall men in office, carrying loaded facks out of the Treafury 96 THE TICKLER. Treaſury at midnight : -happy fubject ! for a political moonshine, alter the ſketch of the gibbet : -one of the figures larger, and a Vifcount's coronet over it, or it may be taken for little T- bimfelf. Hint.-Fifty millions, at leaft , gone over to France -Talleyrand to pay-25 per cent. for it ! Muft be touched by the delicate hand of a maſter ! -Pay the d-d newſpaper fellow's bill -charge exorbitant-but compariſon between Lord M. and Aflet was a bold defign- befides, printers' ears are now double in furance. Two or three affidavits must come up from out ports, on lefs timber daily-and that little there is, decaying with dry- rot. N. B. Pay your Oaths - men handfomely. March 29.

THE TICKLER. [From the Oracle. ] ATTa late meeting of the New Coalition, the fol lowing refolutions are faid to have been unani monfly agreed to : Refolved, 1ft, That harmony is effentially neceffary to preferve concord among perfons of difcordant prin ciples ; and that nothing will more contribute to the attainment thereof than each perfon's finging or de claining an original compofition, himſelf being the hero of the piece. Refolved, 2dly, That no perfon be permitted to fing till Perdition to the Miniftry" has been drunk with nine times nine. Refolved, 3dly, That Mr. W- dh-m be firſt re quefted to carry the firft refolution into effect . Refolved, 4thly, That thefe refolutions, and the fu ture proceedings relative thereto, be regularly infertedin THE TICKLER. 97 in a Morning Paper, intituled, " The Daily Advertiſer and Oracle," by " O in the Corner." Agreeably to the third refolution, Mr. W-dh-m fang or fpoke as follows : Tune-" Gazing on my Idol Treafure." Let not diſappointed withes Bend our noble fpi: its down ; Courage and the loaves and fishes Still may our exertions crown. True, my Merry Andrew fpeeches Rather make P-tt fmile than frown ; True, as yet, they ' ve made no breaches In his " Parish Beauty's" gown *; Yet think how the Brewer's motion Muftferment our foes like yeast ; Then I'll roar like troubled ocean, Or my darling baited beaſt †, Then will I, with bull-dog fury, Growl with Grenville, bark with Grey ; Quibble with the Wight of Drury, Yell with Fox, and Temple bray. Though I once lov'd Melville dearly, Knew him gen'rous, free from fin ; Now the cafe is alter'd clearly I am out-and he is in. Tis our loffes, not the nation's, Which create our venom'd fpite ; We'd (had we the envied ftations) With the Tenth Report-good night. Since they are in others' keeping, Let us blaft their fair renown ; " Story upon Story heaping +," Till we pull the Scotchman down. " His Parish or Ruffet Beauty removed the ballot to a greater dif tance." See Mr. W- dh-m's fpeech on the Militia Reduction Bill. + Mr. W.'s able ſpeech in defence of the humane practice of bull-bait ing must be fresh in every one's recollection. " He began with heaping Militia on Militia, Pelion upon Off , Storyupon Story." See Mr. W.'s fpeech on the Militia Reduction Bill. VOL. IX . F But, 98 THE TENTH REPORT . But, fhould our endeavours fail , or Should we, when our ſtrength we fcan, Find we've only got a " tailor, In proportion to a man§;" Then we muft, like harden'd finners, Swear Corruption rules the ſtate, Curfe Lord M- at our dinners, And chooſe other bulls to bait.. April 1. THE TENTH REPORT. [From the Morning Chronicle.] Mentio fi qua (6 QIN THE CORNER. De Capitolini furtis injecta Petillî Te coram fuerit, defendas――" " When lefs delinquents have been ſcourg'd, And hemp on wooden anvils forg'd, Which others for cravats have worn About their necks, and took a turn ; I pitied 19 HOR. HUDIB. SIR, I HAVE declared myſelf on all occafions very much against the propagation of fcandalous libels againſt great men, whether they be true or falfe. Forto hold up the nobility of the land and the rulers of the na tion as deficient in moral duties, muſt needs have a bad influence on the public affairs at home as well as our foreign relations. What effect the imputation fo publicly caft on Lord Melville and his Paymafter, and his broker, may have on the league which he is now forming for the deli. verance ofEurope, I leave every man to judge for him felf. The only hope that remains, in myopinion, confifts in the difficulty of a Ruffian, or Swede, or a Dane, comprehending how a minifter of ftate, with "About the proportion which a tailor is faid to bear to a man.' See the above fpeech. high THE TENTH REPORT. 99 high rank and great lawful emoluments, hould think of uniting with his own dependants to ferape fordid. and ignominious lucre from the public treaſure com mitted to his care. Probablythere are no conveniences at St. Peterſburgh or Stockholm to which a Paymaſter can privately refort, no cry of " Wha wants me?" nọ Mark Sprotts, no Glennies, no Navy diſcounts, nọ time loans on the Stock Exchange yielding 20 or 30 per cent. with Government fecurity, no feductive bo nufes on Bank ftock. Probably in thofe cities the Bank is not at the inconvenient and dangerous diſtance of three quarters of a mile from the Paymaster's coun ter ; and in old- fashioned countries, where hard caf is ftill uſed for payments, the fight of a Treaſurer's cler encumbered with a hundred waggon-loads of copp copeaks, perhaps makes it impoffible to imagine how eafily one of Mr. Trotter's meffengers could, if he chofe, efcape with a thouſand times as much treaſure in his breeches pocket. Such grounds for incredulity may exist among the friendly nations on the continent ; and it is likely that the Count Bernstorff, accomplished as heis, may not be refined enough to comprehend how a ftatefman, fill enjoying one of the higheſt offices of a great na tion, and a Paymafter, ftill intrufted with the publi money, fhould refufe before the world to anfwer fa questions, left they fhould thereby criminate themſelve So far, therefore, we may indulge the hope that t fcandalum magnatum can occafion no vaft detrime to our foreign negotiations. I truft it will prove But I am fure it is " paft praying for" with refpect our domeftic affairs. We fee ſtrong marks of co fternation all around us. Bad omens occur. Li week the Board of Control and the whole ftrength Government were unable to make an Eaft India Di rector. Mr. Pitt and Lord Melville cannot take morning's ride but they are pointed at, nor vifit ( F 2 friend 700 THE TENTH REPORT. friend but they fee the Tenth Report on his table. Their confidence vifibly fails them, although (as they juftly boaft) they once had the confidence of nine tenths of the country. In the mean while the Ad dingtons fay nothing, but they look big, and laugh inwardly and what is worst of all, the city, which may properly be ftyled the Citadel of Adminiſtration, has caught the contagion. Big Baby ftands aghaft. Sir Brook keeps out of fight of Temple Bar. Abra ham Newland trembles when a draft of Trotter's ap pears. The Directors look at each other, and mufe upon Aflet. If you have a Navy bill to fell, theJew makes you writeyour name on the back of it. Even the men at Lloyd's are fick, and figh for protection and St. Vincent. 66 "" But what is all this to the confufion and difmay that have invaded the native country of the trium virate ? Many gentlemen are retiring in order to amufe themſelves with burning their private pa pers. Men of the moſt ardent minds are now cool. The Hopes of the family are humbled ; and it is fup pofed, that in fome parts of the country, a parish fchoolmafter might be elected without a congé d'élire from a Dundas. How far this may be depended on, I cannot pofitively fay ; but a decent tradefman of Edinburgh, now actually in the town council, and in the right intereft, has written me for a candid opi nion (in confidence), how far it may turn out a hang ing matter ; and I know from good authority, that feveral deacons have been feen together in fecret con verfation in the streets ; a moft alarming fymptom ! Not thatI am afraid of the fixteen peers, and theforty five commoners, fwerving in a fingle vote. That would, indeed, be ominous ! But I think it fufficiently awful that a doubt fhould be entertained in the north, of the permanency of the Dundaffian power ; or in the fouth, 1 THE TENTH REPORT. 10F fouth, of the immaculate purity of the bofom com panion of Mr. Pitt. It is matter of fincere grief, that alarms of this kind fhould have gone forth ; but as there is no recalling them, all that can be now propofed, is to take proper methods to lull them. For this purpofe, nothing can be more effectual than to depreciate, as far as we dare, the Report ofthe Commiffioners from which they have arifen. And here it cannot be doubted, that Mr. Pitt's fuccefsful oppofition to their re- appointment is much in our favour, as it clearly fhews his opinion of the inutility of their ſtatements ; and I am fure the greateſt lover of Reports will allow that we have had quite enough of them for one feafon. Befides, I put it to the feeling of every man, whether there be not fomething uncouth in the fpectacle of a lofty ftates man (towering in his pride of place) being mouſed at by men whofe names are new to the world, and in terrogated on oath, like an accomplice at the Old Bailey ? And to be taken by furprife too, without an act of indemnity, without a general quietus under the Privy Seal, and after he had incautiously deſtroyed his private papers, for his amufement ! Yet let not Lord Melville be altogether excuſed from blame. In my humble opinion, nothing could be more injudicious than his anfwers, and his reafons for being filent. Doubtlefs this arofe from his un practifed innocence and amiable fimplicity ; but ſtill the effect is the fame.. Want of memory, I allow, would no longer have anſwered, for that was quite worn out by Mr. Pitt, on his examination at the ſtate trials. But furely there are a hundred ways of evad ing a queſtion, without calling in oblivion, or an A& of Parliament. Had Lord Melville been a reader of Shakspeare, (" Would to God, Audrey, thou wert poetical !") he would have found an admirable prece dent in All's Well that Ends Well, where the Clown F 3 promulgates 102 THE TENTH REPORT. promulgates an anfwer, which , like a barber's chair, will fit all buttocks ; " which anfwer, as he fays, " is but a trifle neither," being nothing more than " O Lord, Sir." For example. -- Q. Did your Lordſhip authorize your Paymaster to put the public money into the hands of his private banker? A. O Lord, Sir. Q. Did your Lordſhip derive any advantage from this arrangement? 4. O Lord, Sir. Q. Were you not certain, my Lord, that you were here breaking an Act of Parliament ? A. O Lord, Sir. Or fuppofing the queftion to be afked of Mr. Pay mafter Trotter : Q. Did you account fairly with your mafter, the Treafarer, for his half of the profits ? A. O Lord, Sir. Q. When you fpeculated in Bank ftock, was it in confequence of any private information of a bonus being in contemplation ? A. O Lord, Sir. And in this way it appears to me, that both gen tlemen might have proceeded with perfect fecurity and good humour, unless they had been brought to fuch an unlucky queftion as difcompofed the Clown, when the Countess afked him, " Pray, Sir, don't you richly deferve to be hanged ?" where he fays he had never worfe luck in his life, with his O Lord, Sir. Unlucky, however, as it was, that the questions were not better parried ; yet I am under no ferious ap prehenfions of heavy penalties enfuing. If the mat ter were before the courts below, perhaps, indeed, it might be expedient for the parties to make their wills. But, in the cafe of a difcerning Parliament, I think DameQuickly's comfort may apply, when the bids the dving THE TENTH REPORT. - 103 dying Sir John " 'a fhould not think of God, for there was (the hoped) no need to trouble himſelf with any fuch thoughts yet. ” I am not fo fanguine as to imagine that Whitbread's motion will pafs off without a divifion ; for I know, with Lord Hawkesbury, that a grievous fpirit of fac tion exifts. But am I, therefore, to agree with The Times, that the Premier and the Cabinet are to leave their illuftrious colleague to the fury of his enemies, without any other fhield than his own innocence ? Or am I to fuppofe, with The Courier, that the deferving Paymafter, the agent, and the keeper of the private accounts of Lord Melville, fhould he made a fcape goat, to carry to Botany Bay the fins of his mafter ? Oh, no, Sir ! we are not yet come to thofe iron times foretold by Burke, " when the hoary head of inveterate abufe will neither draw reverence nor obtain protec tion. " Still we have a Parliament as generous in over looking “ irregularities, " as fevere in punishing crimes. And, accordingly, I am not afraid that the " poor abuſes ofthe times will want countenance. " Upon what fome people found their opinion that Mr. Pitt will not fupport the accufed parties, I am at a lofs to imagine. When was he ever backward to defend any friend that wanted his affiftance ? When did he ever refufe to hazard even his reputation to take a friend out of a fcrape, unleſs it were in the fingle cafe of the Jailor Aris, which, after Mr. William Dundas and fome other young friends had tried to juftify, he found too bad ? Butit muſt be remembered that the faid Aris was brought to no punishment, and lords it ftill in Clerkenwell with his keys. But furely Aris, though a good and zealous defender of Govern ment, is not to fhare in Mr. Pitt's dear love in the fame degree as my Lord Viſcount Melville, whom his foul feems to have fingled out for itſelf, to whom he has clung like a brother through good report and F 4 through 104 HINTS TO THE OPPOSITION. through bad report, drunk and faber, fince his first manhood ; and for whom he has finally renounced Grenvilles, Spencers, Windhams, his character, his family, the pride, ftrength, and glory of his admi niftration. " Thou haft done much harm upon me, Hal ! God forgive thee for ' t. Before I knew thee, Hal, I knew nothing ; and now am I , if a man fhould fpeak truly, little better than one of the wicked." Mr. Pitt will defend Lord Melville ; and his ar rangements in the Houfe refpecting the letter, and the poftponement, will be confidered by his judiciou6 friends a fufficient intimation to hold themſelves ready The poftponement, Sir, is not without its uſe. It prevents country members from being taken. by furprife, and following their firft rude impreffions against what looks like rafcality;" and it affords another fabbath to compofe the feelings of the faints. to vole. As the world is looking forward with more intereſt than ufual to the difcuffion of this queſtion, and as every individual vote will be turned over and over in the bufy minds of men, I fhall by and by, with your leave, fhew upon what grounds even the godly may make up their minds to abfolve the delinquents. I am, Sir, your moft humble fervant, AYOUNG FRIEND. Somerfet Houfe, April 2, 1805. HINTS TO THE OPPOSITION, FOR THIS EVENING'S DEBATE. [From the Oracle. ] YOURpardon, dread patriots, if I have done wrong, Addreffing to you this political fong ; The day, when the fpeeches your pates have contriv'd Will badger Lord Melville, at length is arriv'd ; I therefore / HINTS TO THE OPPOSITION. 105 I therefore have written fome hints for your uſe, Such hints as will greatly affift your abuſe. Firſt, each man fhould fingle that topic to dwell on, Experience has tutor'd him how to fpeak well on. For instance-Let F-x moft vocif'roufly ſcold All gaming, and fuch-like, with Treaſury gold ; 'Tis a fubject he's known to underſtand well , As North, that weak wit (were he living) , could tell. Befides, this great man, while a Treaſury Lord, Was taught by Mifs Pelham to rail againſt fraud! Let Wh-tb-d, when ſtating the cafe, make it clear Pollution fhould never exift but in beer. You, B-rd-tt, who boldly for Middleſex ftood, Ador'd bythe lawlefs, though fcorn'd by the good ; Swear perjury, brib'ry, corruption, and crimes, Are grown fo contagious in theſe dreadful times, That onlyyourfriends have efcap'd the infection But-firft draw a veil o'er your recent election ! E'en you may affift the attack, P-ter M―re, Your voice fo refembles an elephant's roar, That, though ' t is unable to utter much ſenſe, Its noife is a weapon of ſerious offence. If W-ndh-m can fpeak on this queſtion, he muſt Declaim about breaches of friendship and truft. In short, you muſt mingle all kinds of abuſe, Nor yield your opponents a moment of truce ; With rancour the faults of all minifters blame No matter at all if you ' ve practis'd the fame. Swear all that you do ' s for the good of the nation, That none of you wish for the noble Lord's ftation. Oppoſe with due rage-if you cannot with fenfe Each word that's advanc'd in his praiſe or defence ; Obferving moft ftrictly this wholefome reftriction No logic must open your mind to conviction. April 8. QIN THE CORNER.

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ODE ( 106 ) ODE TO THE COALITION. [From the Oracle. } YEfactious, wafpifh, coalition crew, Wholove to rail at minifters and taxes, Attend! I would addrefs this ode to you, For, ah! my vaft antipathy relaxes. Indeed, methinks ' t is barb'rous to deteft you ; You rather pity claim than hate-God reſt you ! What glorious nuts you think you've got to crack Does not this charming Tenth Report o'erjoy you ? You hope, no doubt, to break L-d Mel-lle's back ; But have a care, or elſe he may annoy you : For while you're fpatt'ring him with dirt fo thick, Perchance great part of' t to yourſelves may ſtick. This Report- difh comes mighty apropos, 'Twill ferve to feed your spleen upon a while ; But make the moſt on ' t—'t will not long be fo, And then, God knows on what you ' Il vent your bile : For ere you fpeak again on the Defence Bill, Take my advice-obtain a Common Senfe Bill. To fay the truth, your party greatly need one, At leaſt 't would benefit your patriots ſmall, Such as K-n- d, Lord P-tty; -and indeed one Would be of wondrous fervice to you all : The patriot lordling once I ken'd at ſchool, But half a witling, though not quite a fool. Ifnone of you fupport Sam Wh-b-d's motion But thoſe whoſe conſciences are ſtill and clear, Upon myfoul I have a mighty notion Sam Wh-b-d's logic, like his table beer, Will find fcarce any one to gulp it down, And Sammy will divide the Houſe -alone. But let me not alarm thee, honeft Sammy : Your friends delight to dafh through thick and thin ; And if truth can't fupport your queſtion-d -me, They'll lug fome fwingingfalsehood headlong in : They only with to thwart our great Miniſter By any means no matter how finifter. I fain ODE TO THE COALITION. 107 I fain would aid your oppofition bench, And therefore I'll tranflate a little fable, Written- (which muft delight fome) -firft in French ; Do you apply the fequel-if you ' re able : But I will tell this tale in other metre ; Methinks I've hit on one will read much ſweeter : A Wolf-or Fox-juft as you will Who frequented a purling rill, To drink, or ſeek for prey, A tender lambkin once efpied, Sporting the flow'ry bank befide, In unfufpecting play : With favage joy the wily beaft Contemplated the luſcious feaft, And feiz'd with rav'nous jaws ; But in thofe long-forgotten days, Foxes and Wolves, the ftory fays, Paid ſome reſpect to laws. 4 He therefore fought a foul pretence To feed with feeming innocence On this delicious food ; And firft accus'd the harmleſs Lamb, Of having, by himſelf or dam, Difturb'd his fav'rite flood. The pretty innocent replied, " That could not be, becauſe the tide Ran contrary to him ; Befides, the ſtream was ſtrong and deep, And therefore thunn'd by lambs and fheep, Who knew not how to fwim.” 'T is true this plaufible pretence Had clear'd him from this foul offence ; But more were quickly forg'd : The fleecy prey was doom'd to bleed, And Mr. Fox, with rav'nous fpeed, The lufcious morfel gorg'd. F 6 Now 108 MORE ABOUT THE TENTH REport. Now fhould your vaunted Tenth Report Not yield you the delicious fport Your fanguine hopes prefage, Learn hence, ye oppofition crew, To fabricate fome falfehood new, To glut your hellish rage. QIN THE CORNER. ( MORE ABOUT THE TENTH REPORT. [ From the Morning Chronicle.] " I do fufpe&t I have done fome offence, That feems difgracious in the city's eyes. ' SHAKSPEARE. MR. EDITOR, WHENa man has by any means become unplea fantly confpicuous in the world, he naturally wishes for fome new occurrence, to divide the public opinion. And in this way Lord Melville and his two friends have been extremely ferviceable to all the un lucky rafcals who have lately expofed themſelves to no tice. A cafe of crim. con. at prefent would not be worth printing. Rofcius is forgotten . People hear plays merely to catch illuftrations of the Tenth Re port. The Catholic Emancipation is already out of date ; and even the Catamarans are filent. But what fort of event will be neceffary to veil from our eyes the exceffive luftre of Lord Melville's glory, is an awful confideration. An earthquake or a blazing ftar would be nothing. Bonaparte may be crowned as many times as he and the Pope choofe-inftallations of the Garter will only have their hour- the Jews, it ap pears, are coming out of the inquiry, not only pure but meritorious ; " and there are no tears but of his fhed ding, no fighs but of his breathing." A victory at fea, indeed, would be very opportune ; or even a con fiderable difafter, fuch as the lofs of India, might have its ufe. But I am afraid, as the ftory of the Duchefs MORE ABOUT THE TENTH REPORT. 109 Duchefs did not anſwer, that the letter and this Lee ward Island bufinefs will only tend to make matters worſe. But my bufinefs at prefent is, to adminifter comfort to the diftreffed friends of the noble Lord, by fhewing them that, whatever the opinion of people without doors may be, there is every reafon to expect a trium phant majority of votes within. In the first place, I conceive that no man ever doubted the cordial fupport of the whole phalanx of twoftring men, who fupported the Doctor, fupport the Colonel, and will fupport Sir William Curtis's barber, when fate and the confidence of the city fhall make him a prime minifter. You will aſk me about the value of fuch authority in whitewaſhing a reputation. Sir, I am fpeaking of votes ; and when the lift of the majority is published, as publiſhed it will be, then it will be time enough to compare one noſe with another. In the mean time, if I were to felect fpeakers from this quarter, to whom could I fo properly apply as to Lord Caftlereagh, whofe vigour and power of face in fupporting whatever is neceſſary or needed, is pro verbial in Ireland, and is not unknown here ? Then, there is Mr. Dallas, whofe thick and thin de fence ofthe Lord Advocate I think ought to have had a better requital, than that the Solicitor's wig fhould have been given to Gibbs. But it is to be hoped that this will not divert his wonderful front from manifeft ing itſelf in this ftill more difficult fervice. As for the Attorney General, he is Clerk of the Irons in the Tower, and a good and experienced advocate, and knows very well what he is doing. my - Why the friends of the Viſcount fhould fear the Addington body, I cannot guefs. They are good-tem pered fouls, and will fubmit to any thing for the good of their country. They praife St. Vincent, yet ac quiefce in his difmiffal, and why may they not alfo blame 110 MORE ABOUT THE TENTH REPORT. blame Melville, and give him their votes ? But why fhould any man be afraid of the poor Addingtons, crouching as they are before men as feeble (and that is faying much) as themſelves ? Brother Bragge muſt fay a word or two, juft to fhew what he could do if he were not very merciful ; and it may not be unbe coming in the gentle Hiley to allude in his own happy manner tothe Plymouth tinman, to keep the Houfe in mind of the purity of the family. With regard to George Rofe, I confefs I am not fo much at my eafe. George has of late been a very giant in behalf of virtue. Not a falfe oath, nor a riot, nor a miſdemeanor at an election but his club fmites. Disfranchiſement and Newgate are the fofteft words he uſes. What if he were to lay about him on this occafion ! Yet, after all, there is fomething in George's face, when I look upon it, that reftores all my confidence. Hewon't carry the joke too far. 66 But the worst bufinefs of all is the Saints. I much fear they have not yet had time enough to make up their minds on fo tender a caſe of confcience. Not that they would refufe to do any thing in reafon to oblige à Minifter, as one in lawful authority over us ;" but then to be feen doing it, is the evil, left it fhould prove a ftumbling-block to weak brethren . Perhaps the ftrong minds of Wilberforce and Henry Thornton might digeft what it would puzzle the good Rowland even to fwallow. Yet let it be hoped that they ſhall ſee their way out of this perplexity, and work together in brotherly love, that charity may abound. Indeed when thofe good men view the matter in all its bearings, in the ſpirit of Chriftian meeknefs, they will fee that, bad as it may have been at firft, it is now confiderably changed; for they will confider that theViſcount is no longer hardened, but repenteth : nay, he hath fhewn the utmoſt poffible proofs of 2 fincerity MORE ABOUT THE TENTH REPORT. III fincerity and contrition, by not only renouncing all fellowſhip with the once near partner of his guilt, but turning as it were king's evidence against him, and impeaching him as the miſleader and corrupter of his innocent youth. Now, as it is impoffible that the impenitent Trotter can efcape when thus bound and delivered over to public juftice, the pious will, no doubt, reflect that one victim fhould fuffice , and ac cordingly receive with open arms their ancient ally. It is certain that nothing could be imagined more fortunate than this feparation of his Lordship's cafe from his Paymafter ; for it was perhaps too much to expect that both of them could have been fupported, even on the ftrong backs of the country gentlemen. But if Lord Melville fhould get out of the well by means of the goat's back, the generofity of the Pay mafter, in thus devoting himself to his mafter, itis to be hoped, will not be overlooked when the puniſhment comes to be confidered. It was in the fame manner, and with a like view, that Jack of old was counfelled, as the only means of eſcape, to make as if he hanged himſelf. " How d'ye mean, make as if I hanged myſelf?"-" Nay, you must really hang yourfelf up, in a true genuine rope, that there may appear no trick in it, and leave the reft to your friends." Whether Mr. Trotter has fufficient faith in the perfons ap pointed to cut him down, remains to be feen ; but it is certain, that the friends of the houfe of Melville will fhew no mercy on the poor Paymafter, until their patron is ſafe. But how this arrangement may fuit Mr. Canning, it is very difficult to guefs . It is certain that his arms are always ready to revolve in behalf ofthe Dundases ; but how can he give up his own Paymafter, Mr. Trot ter ? This is a matter that I dare not attempt to anti cipate, and I therefore content myſelf with merely calling the attention of the public to the ſpeech he is about to make. Mr. 112 MORE ABOUT THE TENTH REPORT. Mr. Ifaac Hawkins Browne will exhort us to drop all uſeleſs and troubleſome inquiries ; and Mr. William Dundas, the Secretary at War, like Mr. Yorick's dog, " would fpeak if he could." I am fenfible, after all, that the affiftance of the country gentlemen will be very neceffary ; and as they mayfind fome difficulty in comprehending the nature. of the " one and the other aggregate fums which con ftituted Mr. Trotter's balance with Meffrs. Coutts," I fhall just put this plain cafe to them :-Suppofing I were to drop a guinea of my own into Mr. Coutts's till, and then take a whole handful out of the “ two funds thus blended together," how, pray, could I tell whether I had got my own money or not ? Funds blended together cannot be feparated without a trouble fome operation in the manner of Cocker, which Trea furers of the Navy can fcarcely be expected to en gage in. And as for the cautious manner in which Lord Melville qualifies his anfwers, it fhould be con fidered that he was on oath, and very probably re membered the cafe ofpoor Kit Atkinfon, who was put in the pillory for fwearing too decidedly that he had not robbed the public. It was clearly fhewn that the money was put in Kit's pockets, unknown to him, by his clerk ; and it would have been all well enough had he but faid, " To the beſt of my recollection or know ledge. " If Mr. Trotter fhould put money in my pocket, how could I help it ? " If the man go to the water and drown himſelf, it is, will he, nill he, he goes ; but if the water come to him, and drown him, he drowns not himſelf." • This is fo very plain, that Lord Melville's acquittal is not to be doubted. And I hope the bull- dogs of the oppofition will be a little mollified, when they take into confideration the hard cafe of poor Trotter, who is now obliged to work in good earneſt for his bare falary, and who, in all probability, will be compelledto WONDERFUL DISCOVERY. 113 to refund his profits , like the lean moufe who got into a granary through a narrow chink, and there grew fat, but was obliged to let herſelf grow lean again before fhe could get out. Macra cavum repetes arctum quem macra ſubéſti. Hâc ego fi compellat imagine, cuncta refigno. April 8. WONDERFUL DISCOVERY. [From the Morning Chronicle. ] APATENT for an extraordinary washing machine is faid to have been lately folicited by its inven tors, Meffre. Pittaccio, Dundaffino, and Co. whofe furprifing inventions have fo long aftoniſhed not only England but the whole world. They afferted, that fuch was its admirable efficacy in the deterfive art, when full charged with palaver foap, peculiarly their own, that it would with eafe perform the prodigy hi therto erroneously deemed impoffible, namely, to wash the blackamoor white !-But, alas ! like most other quackeries, it was upon trial found deficient ; for after a long ftruggle of fevere fcouring and hard waſhing, by fome of the beſt and moſt ſkilful fullers in Europe, poor Mungo came out of the fuds tub no whiter than when foufed in ! The impoftor being detected, a caveat was immediately entered, and the patent ftopped in its progrefs ! -Sic tranfit gloria mundi. April 12. QUIS QUIS. A LIST OF ACCIDENTS WHICH HAPPENED ON THE MORNING OF TUESDAY THE 9TH OF APRIL. [From the fame. ] MR. [R. Pitt, at the divifion of the Houſe, being in a great hurry to join his friends in the lobby, was met accidentally by Mr. Wilberforce going with equal I. 114 A LIST OF ACCIDENTS. equal ſpeed the contrary way ; and we are concerned to ftate, that the Minifter received a violent kick on the fhins by the encounter. Mr. Wilberforce hap pened to have his double-foled water-proofs on, which made the bruiſe the worſe, and it is feared a mortifica tion will enfue. 2. Some time after, as the Speaker was leaving the Houſe, the corner of his hat happened to graze the eye of Mr. Pitt (who was ftill rubbing his fhin), but it is fuppofed, fo far from lofing the uſe of it, he will fee better in future with both eyes. 3. Five noify failor - looking fellows have for a long while been very troubleſome in the Park, particularly at the back of the Admiralty and the Treafury. Many attempts have been made to fecure them ; but they pre tend they have a Commiffion for what they do, and continue to moleft the neighbourhood fo much that Lord Melville has actually left his houfe at the Admi ralty, and it is thought Mr. Pitt will alfo withdraw from Downing Street as foon as he decently can. However, he behaved on Tueſday morning with great refolution, firing on the rogues with his large blunder bufs ; but although he ufed Miles Peter Andrews's beft Dartford, it was remarked that he did not wound a fingle man, and (what is worſe) the recoil of his piece, we are affured, has bruifed his fhoulder to a jelly. 4. The Doctor, being confined to his own houfe, could not go in perfon to Mr. Pitt's relief, but he fent a prefcription with feveral of his men, who on their return fell into a ftinking kennel ; and carried home fuch a quantity of dirt on their clothes, that all the Doctor's civet will never be able to overcome the abo minable odour. Poor Hiley is in hysterics ever fince. 5. Several of Mr. Pitt's fervants who were ordered by their master to eſcort Lord Melville home, were very roughly attacked by a crowd of draymen, who beat them terribly about the head, and otherwife maltreated them. A LIST OF ACCIDENTS. 115 them. The Attorney General and Lord Caftlereagh came brifkly up, but were inflantly knocked down.-- The crowd at laft became very numerous, and feemed fo equally divided, that there is no knowing how the fray might have ended , had not a little man in a great wig taken part with the brewers, and kicked the poor lacqueys off the ground. Lord Melville took to his heels, fo terribly frightened as to be feized with a vio lent looſenefs, which still continues. 6. Mr. Canning had a dirty fheep's - foot thrown in his face, which confufed him a good deal ; and as he was fpeaking, and fwinging his arm about in his ufual way, he camedown with fuch a thump on a vo lume of the ftatutes on the Clerk's table, that it is believed he never had fuch a rap on the knuckles be fore. He has been trying to rub off the impreffion of the dirty fheep's- foot, but it is certain it will leave a mark on his face all his life. 7. One of the watchmen who have been fo long employed by the Society for the Suppreffion of Vice to fhame the naughty women about Leicester Fields, fauntering home, made a ftop before Somerfet Houfe, and ftood fo awkwardly before the gateway with his lantern and the board infcribed " Beware of houfes of bad fame," that people could fcarcely get in or out for him. The rogue enjoyed the thing for fome time ; but as foon as hefaw Mr. Canning fairly walk out, he went peaceably home. 8. Several mail- coaches broke down from the un ufual weight of newſpapers with the debate ; and the Edinburgh coach was obliged to have an extra pair of horfes. 9. Mr. Trotter, having gone home in fomething of a fweat, incautionfly took a hearty fwig of Whitbread's Entire, which brought on fuch a vomiting, that no thing whatever, it is feared, will remain onhis ftomach. April 12. MELVILLE'S ( 116 ) MELVILLE'S LAST MOMENTS. [From the Morning Chronicle.] ON Tuesday morning laft, about half paſt eleven, departed this political life, the Right Hon. Henry Dundas, Viſcount Melville, Firft Lord of the Admi ralty, a Lord of Trade and Plantations, Chancellor of the University of St. Andrew's, Lord Privy Seal, Go vernor ofthe Bank, and an Advocate in Scotland, an Elder Brother ofthe Trinity Houſe, a Doctor of Civil Law, and one of His Majesty's Moft Honourable Privy Council. His Lordship was attended to the last by Mr. George Canning, Mr. Mark Sprott, and the Ordi nary, and went off with Refignation. His cafe had been defpaired of early on the preceding Sunday, though in the evening of that day a learned Doctor, not from Padua but Devizes, had fuggefted a nof trum, yet would not undertake that it should operate farther than as a palliative for about a month or two. This was reforted to on Monday without effect. On Tueſday morning early his Lordship appeared very reſtlefs-he inquired whether Mr. W. Dundas had fate out the debate ? -He was affured he had, and with confiderable power of face. He inquired next if he had refigned his office of Secretary at War? and being anfwered in the negative, the Noble Vif count appeared eafier, and expreffed himſelf fatisfied at the firmness of the family-he added, that he hoped fuch an inflexible ftate of nerves was not termed effrontery. Mr. Canning affured his Lordſhip it was only called " Spartan virtue." Mr. Mark Sprott then afked where Sparta was ? and the Ordinary informed him he believed it was fome where behind Duke's Place. About this time a mob of vulgar people at the door . were finging " Tantararara Rogues All !" and Lord Melville MELVILLE'S LAST MOMENTS. 117 Melville aſked if Mr. Pitt was not just arrived ?—In fact that Gentleman's carriage had juft drawn up, and occafioned this indecent clamour. It was extremely moving to fee theſe two great men take their laft leave of each other. Mr. Pitt brought him a white night- cap, a noſegay, and two bottles of London particular Madeira. It had been ufual on fuch occafions to fing a ftave or two, but Mr. Wilber force was gone to the Society for the Suppreffion of Vice. Mr. Ifaac Hawkins Browne indeed offered to chaunt " The Lamentation of a Sinner," and a fen fible melancholy gentleman (we believe Sir Robert Buxton) offered to accompany him on the dulcimer. Mr. Pitt obferved to the Noble Viſcount, that the mob at the door had uſed the ſcurrilous phrafe of “ a fwindling Adminiftration," and that he had thoughts of refigning, if he knew what to do with himſelf after wards ; that he abhorred fuicide ; that he could not with any face return to the volunteers ; that he did not like being drafted into the militia ; and that he had totally abandoned all agricultural improvements when he propofed the tax on horfes in huſbandry. Lord Melville affured him he might fill up his leifure in the country with an amufement he had fuccessfully reforted to laft fummer in Scotland, that of burning papers and deſtroying evidences. Mr. Pitt then aſked the Noble Lord, with fome eagerness, whether he had deftroyed the evidences relative to the 40,000l. returned by Mr. Long from the Treaſury to the Paymaſter of the Navy? His Lordship faid, to the best of his recollection he had not. Mr. Pitt feemed difturbed, and afked his Lordfhip, with fome peeviſhneſs, what he thought would become of him when he was politically dead and buried ? The Noble Viſcount replied, " I decline anſwering this queſtion under the provifions of the 5th claufe of the flatute 43 Geo. III . chap. 16.” At 118 A NEW SCOTS BALLAD. At this melancholy anfwer Mr. David Scott and Mr. Wallace burft into tears ; Mr. Alderman Anderfon blew his noſe till it was fore ; Mr. George Canning roared ; Mr. Mark Sprott blubbered, and the Ordinary drank two glaffes of London particular Madeira. The fcene grew too affecting. -The writer of this narrative left the room, fighing, with the Roman moralift, Ecce ſpectaculum dignum ! Vir purus cum mala fortuna compofitus ! April 13. SEN. DE DIVIN. PROV, A NEW SCOTS BALLAD. Tothe Tune of " Oh whistle, and 1 will gangto thee THE WORDS BY VISCOUNT MELVILLE. [From the Morning Chronicle.] We have been favoured with the following Poetical Effufion by a friend of Lord Melville's, who was fortu nate enough to reſcue it from the flames, before his Lordship had completed the Second burning of his papers : myfo." ye Gif TAKve heed my gude cheel, O my bonnie Mark Sprot ! Tak ye heed, goflip fcandal is clocking a plot. ye're querried what devidend ſkinflins I've got, They are au mixtie maxtie with Trotter's ye wot, Oh! warily tent when ye ' re cooming to me, And coome nae onleſs the back gett be a jee, That guides the back way to the Adm—r—it—, And let nae body ken that ye ' ve fairins to gie. Gif at bien cany Contts' it chaunce that I be, Gangby me as though that ye dinna me fee : Like as when ye wad haud a phyfeacian his fee, Ye may look mon as ye were nae looking at me. Mak your facrament, Sprot, that ye ken na.of me, Though aiblius ye ken neebor Trotter a wee. But ye manna, Mark Sprot, with your chat be too free, Or in footh to auld Nick they will fend as au three. Samn. LORD MELVille's will. 119 Sammie Whitbread may fancy he ' ll carry the de, De'il ma care, but our pairty for Sam is too flee. Oot awa! mayn't we pack a Selec Committee, Wha'll mak proof to the Hooſe I'm not worth a bawbee? Maifter Canning will rant and rair brawlie for me, And you foople-tongu'd tinkler the Laird Caſtlerie ; Wha for every poun and for ilka pennie I ha' got, thinks I'm fairly defairving o' three. Wullie Pitt for his ain fak will battle for me, He nae heeds au the toon's clifhmaclaver a flea ; For difgueefing a fac, and for glaizing a lee, 'Tis the cantieft globgabbet in aw Chriſtendee. Dinna doobt mon, the Hoofe will be couthie to me, While our gude Legiflature with Wully agree; Then let's booze and get fou with the bonny red brie, And be d-n'd to Sam Whitbread, and au fic as he. The following verſe of a well-known Song is now finely illuftrated : This Billy is called Britannia's prime ruler, And he is but a puppet that's hung out to fool her : His name ' s made a paffport to bring in old finners ; And he deals out the cards that the knaves may be winners. Bow wow wow, &c. April 13. LORD MELVILLE'S WILL. [From the fame. ] " KNOWINGthat no lefs curiofity prevails now cor cerning the fortune of Lord Melville, than w excited fome time ago by the bequefts of the late Lo. Chedworth, we imitate our conduct on a former occ fion, and, to put an end to all diſputes, infert an atteft copy of the will itfelf. Some doubt exifts as to t Noble Viſcount's difpofitions being approved of by t Commons. I Henry Dundas, Lord Viſcount Melville, feei t! 120 LORD MELVILLE'S WILL. that my diſorders can be no longer palliated, but that Sentence is pronounced upon me, and that I muſt fhortly quit this habitation for another life, do make and publifh this my laft will and teftament, hereby revoking and annulling all other wills, teftaments, or codicils, by me at any time made before this fatal attack. Imprimis, I defire to be buried as foon as poffible in my native country (notwithstanding all the efforts of my enemies, this may perhaps be done with ſplen dour at the public expenfe) ; my place I refign into the hands of the King who gave it. I give and bequeath my stock of brass (the property for which I have been the moft diftinguifhed) unto mydearly beloved nephew, the Right Hon. William Dundas, Secretary at War, and my very worthy friend the Right Hon. George Canning, Treaſurer of the Navy, to hold to them during their natural lives, fhare and fhare alike, as tenants in common, and not as joint tenants. Let not my faid nephew reproach me for alienating a part of the family poffeffions. He is himfelf rich in the above article, and I confider my felf bound to fhew fome mark of regard to a youth who has been fo prompt to extol my deeds, and feems fo much difpofed to imitate my example. On the deceaſe ofthe faid William Dundas and George Can ning, my will and pleaſure is, that my brafs aforefaid may be enjoyed by the orators, pamphleteers, jour nalifts and hiftorians for the time being, who fhall condemn the Refolutions of the Houfe of Commons of April 8, 1805. Provided always, that a double portion be affigned to him who maintains " that an innocent man may refuſe to anfwer a plain queftion, from the fear of criminating himself." The iron rod with which I ruled Scotland is not the fubject of teftamentary devife, and I can only fay Detur digniori. As it has been fo rudely fhivered to LORD MELVILLE'S WILL. 121 to pieces, perhaps no one will ever fucceed in re uniting the fragments. Unto the Right Hon. William Pitt, my patron, pupil, and fellow-fufferer, as a reward for his docility, pliability, and fteadineſs, I give and bequeath my copy of the Tenth Report of the Commiffioners of Naval Inquiry-and may he derive as much comfort there from as I have ! I would leave a fum for erecting a ftatue to him ; but he is already almoft completely pe trified, and he will probably foon be caft by a vote of the Houfe of Commons. 操 Item, on W. Wilberforce, Efq. by way of remu neration for his fervices to me, I beftow my heaviest cane. Unto Lord Viscount Caftlereagh, to be worn with his two-firinged bow, I prefent my political coat. Having been turned upon every change of adminif tration during " forty years," it is a little threadbare, but no one who has it on can be faid to be out at elbows ; and the coat which is now fported by his Lordship will foon be more patched, beggarly, and difgraceful. My Shoes I leave in truft to the aforefaid William Pitt, for him to get fome folid Lord to step into them at the Admiralty, if he can. I have a prefentiment, that, before I am cold, they will come into the poſ feffion of the rightful owner (who, I muft now confefs, was fwindled out of them), the Right Hon. the Eart of St. Vincent. The animals I have rode in Scotland, I defire may be worked no longer, but allowed to run in clover for the reft of their lives. My wooden Secretary I confign to the Navy Board. My books I give to Mark Sprott, Efq. requesting that he will take efpecial care of " Secrets Worth Knowing," " The Confederacy," and " The Hiftory VOL. IX. of G 122 LORD MELVILLE'S WILL. ofthe Triple League;" and that if he is ever queftioned concerning them, he will fortify himſelf with the opi nion ofcounfel. 1 66 ar Unto Charles Hope, Efq. Lord Justice Clerk of Scotland, late Lord Advocate, I give all my dent Spirits," advifing him, nevertheleſs, after what has happened, to take efpecial care that they do not catch fire. The ' rack may go to the Attorney and Solicitor General, for the uſe of my friend Mr. Alex ander Trotter. My long bow, with which I fhot fo long, and gained fuch admiration, I leave to that man who thall after me refolutely defend every error of Government, boldly maintain every defeat to be a victory, and un weariedly impute fcandalous motives to the opponents ofthe Minifter, refolved never to hefitate about facts, or to lag for want of an affertion. f - "¿ I requeft my forty- five Scots lacqueys, and fixteen upper fervants, to believe that I part from them with the bittereft regret. They have ferved me faithfully for many years, never queftioning my commands, but doing cheerfully whatever jobs or dirty work I was pleafed to point out to them. I fhould have been glad to order them two years wages, were 1 as able as I formerly was. However, I have not kept too ftrict a hand upon them, or been over-anxious to limit their gains. Some of them may therefore ſet up nowforgentlemen ; and the reft, I doubt not, will foon get places. To the Doctor, for his operations to fave me, I leave mourning, together with thanks as fincere and fervent as his zeal in my behalf. In imitation of Virgil, I defire that all my MSS. may be burnt. This will be done if any regard is fhewn to my memory, which certain anfwers I lately returned, I fear, will caufe to be confidered as a very bad one. The 2 SHIP NEWS EXTRAORDINARY. 1 133 The many pictures of His Majefty which my loyalty has enabled me to collect , together with, cer tain autographs I poffefs of the celebrated Abrabam Newland, I propofe, if the law will allow me, to carry along with me to my last retreat. Laftly, I nominate and appoint the Hon. Spencer Perceval, and His Honour the Mafter of the Rolls, executors and adminiſtrators of this my laft will and teſtament, hoping that they will not be brought into trouble on my account. And now having fet my houfe in order, I have only to pray for a tranquil exit. I have done thofe things which I ought not to have done, and thofe things which I ought to have done have I left unperformed ; laws have been violated, and ftatutes fet at nought. Yet, oh forgive me my debts, and let me depart in peace. Signed, fealed, and publiſhed this 9th day of April, in the year of our Ord8957 April 17th. 0 LIBRARY SHIP NEWS EXTRAORDINARY. [ From the Morning Poſt.] LATELY arrived from Dublin the good ſhip Dele gate, Fingal commander, laden with combuf tibles . The fhip and cargo were addreffed to the houfe of William Pitt ; hut, as he thought the arti cles did not fuit the prefent ftate of the market, he has declined the confignment. Meffrs. Fox and Gren ville, however, have accepted it, and have ftored it at their new powder- magazine at Weſtminſter ; and, from their careleffnefs in matters of this nature, the whole neighbourhood are apprehenfive of an explo fion. The Lord Melville, fome time fince taken into the Admiralty fervice, has run aground, owing to fome G 2 careleffnefs ; £24 POLICE OFFICE . t carcleffiefs ; and the proper Commiffioners having been appointed to examine her, various Reports have been made, of whichthe Tenth is decidedly the worft ; for it appears by this that the has nearly funk, and is at all events declared to be no longer fea- worthy, or fit for His Majefty's fervice. POLICE OFFICE. [ From the Morning Chronicle. ]

ESTERDAY, a tall elderly Scotfman, who had defrauded a great number of perions in and out of the metropolis, was brought before the fitting ma giftrates he has gone by a variety of names, and affumed a variety of characters-fome of the runners have known him thefe thirty years. In his lodgings near the Admiralty, when apprehended, were found a number of papers half burnt and deſtroyed, fuppofed to be vouchers of various fums obtained by fwindling practices. He had fo long impofed on the parif where he had refided, that he had lately been chofen overfeer, which office he offered to refign if the juftices would agree to diſcharge him. The Worshipful Bench moft properly obſerved, that fuch refignation was no atonement for a violation of the law, and he was fully committed for trial. The Society for the Suppreffion of Vice charged young carpet-weaver, aged nineteen, with having danced a hornpipe on Good Friday-it was admitted that no perfon was prefent when the hornpipe wa danced, and, as the fact could only be established in evidence by the confeflion of the prifoner, that meri torious Society were willing he thould be difcharged provided he would enter into the navy. The culpr fuppofed it was thereby meant he fhould be made Fir Lord of the Admiralty, having heard what difficultie Occurre 1 POLICE OFFICE. 125 لع occurred in forcing any body to take that office -he fell on his knees, wept bitterly, faid he came of poor but honeft parents, and hoped, for fo flight an offence as dancing a hornpipe alone on Good Friday, the worthy Society would not put him into a fituation fo recently ftigmatized with difgrace and infamy. Thefe expreffions induced the Bench to confider him as a difaffected and feditious perfon, and he was accordingly remanded for further examination . le Agood deal of merriment was next excited in the office bythe examination of a thin man from Walmer in Kent, who was charged with having obtained money by telling fortunes. He had got a dozen of old port and two new. pair of boots from a young tallow chandler at Margate, whofe maid had fworn a child to him. The impoftor of Walmer had effected this by promifing the young man " indemnity for the paft, and fecurity for the future." The prifoner, it alfo appeared, had perfuaded five overfeers within the Cinque Ports, out offifty pounds apiece, under a prophecy that if that fum were paid to him, a ftanding army would be found in the church cheft whenever the conftable came to the pariſh for recruits under the Defence A&t. Several old ladies of Deal and Dover fwore the prifoner had obtained from them a tenth of their in come and upwards, by foretelling year after year that the French government was in the gulf of a bank 1 ruptcy. During the examination of the impoftor, Townſend obferved winks and nods paffing between him and the elderly Scotfman. The magiftrates naturally con cluded that they were accomplices, and defired Mr. Aris to take charge of them both. They were accordingly committed to Cold Bath Fields, and on Thursday next will be brought up to the General Police Office at Weftminster, where, at G 3 leaft, 126 HEY TRICKS, TRIM GO TRICKS, &e. leaft, four hundred perfons who have been defrauded by them are expected to attend. April 22d. CORE ENGINE HEY TRICKS, TRIM GO TRICKS, &c. AN EXCELLENT OLD SONG MODERNIZED. [From the fame. ] E'EL take the Brewfter, his maut and his kill ; Foul be his maſking phat, and four be his yill ; For to me and the Laird he has done mickle ill : DE And it's heytricks, trim go tricks, the pewter yet ſhall ſhine O. The Laird he was canty, and couthy, and flee, And a' that were fib to him, ay got the ' gree ; He paukilie winkit at baith them and ine : Andit's hey tricks, trim go tricks, the pewter yet fhall ſhine O. thin ; But it's no for myfel, and it ' s no for his kin, That my een are fae bluft, an my haffets grow It's a' for the chiels that ftill hanker behin. And it's hey tricks, trim go tricks, the pewter yet fhall ſhine O. Poor fauple Wull Pitt mun his glammer gie o'er, His bullets are blethers, juft ftoling in ftour ! Ye thought he would nevel the French in an hour! But it's heytricks, trim go tricks, the pewter yet fhall ſhine O. Put upfitting Hawky, that clavers au girns, Wifome ither fpining man plenifh his pirns, Thau rav'ling and riving Machiavel's yairns. And it's hey tricks, trim go tricks, thepewter yet ſhall ſhine O. Alak Maifter Canning ! my heart is fu' fair, For nature to thee has been ftinil and ſpare ; Your barns were but caff, and the ' re a' in the air. And it's heytricks, trim go tricks, the pewter yet fhall fhine O. what fhall I fay of my Lord Caftlereagh ; Gude Lord be his frien, for he'll foon hae nae mae. But forrow nae langer allows me to ſpae, And it's heytricks, trim go tricks, the pewter yetſhall ſhine O. Dregborn Cafile, April 23d. — LORD ( 127 ) LORD MELVILLE. -CORONER'S INQUEST. [From the fame. ] ΤΗ'HE departure of this nobleman having been ex tremely fudden, and, by his friends, altogether unexpected, they at firft flattered themfelves it might be a cafe only of fufpended animation, and had im mediate recourfe to the refufcitative procefs of the Humane Society ; but he in a very fhort time became fo generally offenfive, that all hopes of restoration en tirely vanished. As foon as it was generally known that it was all over with him, various conjectures were afloat in the minds of thofe not intimately ac quainted with the circumftances. -Some imagined, that, as he was a High Admiral, he might probably have been taking a naval excurfion, in one of his own catamarans, and was drowned. Others faid, there was an infallible reafon for believing that was im poffible. At the fame time it was fuppofed not to be altogether incredible that he had been blown up. The news having reached the ears of the coroner, he thought it his duty to hold an inqueft. The furgeon who attended, declared he had never been called in to examine a fubject more disfigured by corruption, ſo as to render it extremely difficult to particularize all the diforders which had occafioned the Noble Lord's final exit ; that extraordinary pains must have been ufed, and much expenſe incurred, in keeping thefyftem to gether, and preventing a more early diffolution . There were evident figns of occafional lofs of power ; but this had probably been counteracted by frequent change of place, excurfions to the North, fitting over the fmoke of burnt paper, and trying the effects offea air. One of the jurymen afked if there was any appearance of his Lordship having been in the flocks. The fur geon replied, there certainly were marks which led G 4 him 128 LORD MELVILLE. CORONER'S INQUEST. him to form fuch a conclufion , but fome pains feemed to have been taken to efface them . On the examination of fome intimate friends, it appeared that his Lordship had been long addicted to quackery, and was particularly fond of all patent me dicines ; that he had always been his own family phyfician, and was in the habit of preferiving largely for himfelf, and all his friends and relatives. It further appeared from the evidence of an Ho nourable Admiral, that he and others had lately re ceived a regular diploma, authorizing them to fuper intend the general health of the navy, and to pro pofe remedies for all complaints and diforders which might come to their knowledge ; and having reafon to fufpect that his Lordship, while Treaſurer, had been infected with a dangerous diftemper, which, by con tagion, might produce the moſt fatal effects , and that he had alfo given countenance to the employment of unfair practitioners, they determined to fubject his Lordship to perfonal examination . The Noble Lord, however, from motives of delicacy, refufed to give a full ſtatement of his cafe ; upon which, from a con viction that the difeafe must be of a very difreputable nature, a grand confultation was recommended. The refult of the inquiry was the difcovery of an extremely bad habit, of long ftanding, occafioned by the mifap plication of metallic fubftances, the inevitable con fequence of the Adminiſtration being left in diſhoneſt and unfkilful hands. Much noxious matter was col lected, which indicated the neceffity of an immediate difcharge, and evident fymptoms appeared of an ap proaching mortification. No relief had yet been ob tained from the copious exhibition of the jefuit's bark ; and he had in vain called in the aid of a celebrated Doctor, who, on receiving a Nobleman's diplonia, had lately been admitted to practice in the higher circles. Purgation, LORD MELVILLE. -CORONER'S INQUEST. 129 Purgation, amputation, and other operations, being propofed to take place in the National Theatre, for the benefit ofthe ftudents, it was reported by fome of his Lordship's friends, who had vifited him, that he was quite refigned to his fate, wifhed to avoid the Shame, pain, and publicity of any attempt to effect a radical cure, and begged to be permitted to go off as privately as poffible. Some of the Jury feemed to be of opinion , that he had made away with himfelf; but the Coroner wifely remarked, that though the Noble Lord had certainly Shortened his own existence, as all men do who lead badlives, yet it was evident he would have lived longer if he could ; and as all new and extraordinary cafes demanded the adoption of new and appropriate terms, he would recommend them to find a verdict, which they unanimoufly agreed to-that the Noble Lord died byStealth. We have not yet been able to afcertain how his remains are to be difpofed of, as many of his friends have expreffed a determination to keep him in fpirits as long as they can. He had unfortunately given umbrage to the Saints, who conceived that his fond nefs for difpenfations, his fale of indulgences, and his request to receive abfolution, were circumftances too fufpicious to be paffed over ; and his being finally ex communicated by the Abbot of St. Stephen's, cut off all hopes of his being ſafely depoſited at Westminster. It is poffible he may be finally fent to the family vault in Scotland, where no church rites are neceflary, and where when a friend is gone he is filently configned to oblivion without ceremony. May 21ft. G 5 MORE ( 130 ) MORE ABOUT LORD MELVILLE. [ From the fame.] WEE have now laid before our readers feveral inter efting communications refpecting Lord Mel ville, fince the Reports concerning him began to oc cupy fo much of the public attention. We have given fome account of his " Laft Moments, " and of the "Coroner's Inqueft" on the body. His Lord fhip's " Will" and his funeral, or rather the rumours concerning that folemnity, are all that remain for us to notice. His friends, however, feem defirous, as long as poffible, of poftponing the difmal ceremony of " configning duft to duft ." It may not be improper to obferve, however, that on the fubject of the " will" fome difficulties are already ſtarted . It is well known that wills, of all human compofitions, are moſt liable to quibbling ; and accordingly that his Lordship's teftament, although drawn up with his ufual caution and fagacity, is likely to be conteſted. 6 The grounds of this we have not been able to learn . The claufe which gives his whole ftock of brass to Meffrs. W. Dundas and Canning, has given moſt umbrage, as depriving his Lordship's numerous poor relations of any means of getting their bread. But others fay, that a gentleman is just arrived from Mel ville Caftle, with an unburnt memorandum, in which his Lordship appears to have bequeathed the above brafs to be a joint ftock in perpetuity for the ufe of every perfon born and baptized a Dundas. Another account fays, that a caveat has been en tered in the Commons against the whole will ; and this we think not improbable ; for our readers muft now be told, that the claufe which refpects his Lordship's burial has not been executed ; this, how ever, MORE ABOUT LORD MELVILLE. 131 ever, notwithſtanding the warmth of the weather, has not been attended with any unpleafant confequences. Thefearchers of St. James's parith have, as ufual, been employed, and they declare that he has not changed.. We relate this rather as matter of fact, than of dif appointment, for we know no perfon that has been difappointed ; except the worthy and reverend ordi nary, who had provided a very elaborate funeral fer mon, from the eleventh chapter of St. John, verfe 39, " Bythis time he flinketh." We have been favoured with a fight of this dif courfe in manufcript, and can atteft that it is a very affecting diſplay of the frailty of human nature, and its tendency to corruption. The preacher, indeed, ob ferves, that the deceafed might have exclaimed with Job, " I faid unto corruption, Thou art myfather !" With refpect, however, to the funeral, it is certain that the preparations would have been expedited much fooner, if his friends could have agreed on the fubject. A very able undertaker was provided, who engaged to do the whole by contract ; and faid he could pro cure plenty of mutes from his Lordship's relations. But objections have been ſtarted as to the number ofperfons to be invited. His relations claimed first ; and as they included coufins and nephews in the fortieth and fiftieth degree, the proceffion could not be formed in a line fhorter than from Wimbledon, in Surrey, to St. Alban's, on the great north road. In this there were two difficulties : the greater part of them did not like the idea of going back again . -and, if this had been got over, the undertaker declared that all the cloth in the kingdom could not furnith cloaks for them. 1 One point only is fettled . The hearfe is to be de corated with the ufual efcutcheons, &c. but the whole covered with black crape. The opening of the body, although a ceremonial G 6 ufual 132 SHIPPING INTELLIGENCE.

ufual in perfons of his Lordship's rank, was at firft op pofed by Mr. Pitt, as being perfonal, and Mr. Canning afked whether the Spartans were uſed to diffect their Treaſurers ? The operation, however, was performed, but without throwing more light on the cauſes of his demife than had already been known. Thespleen was found confiderably enlarged, and the heart lay fo even, that it was impoffible to fay on which fide it inclined moft from the pliability of the mufcles in that quarter, it would appear that it had often fhifted. The only fingular appearance was in the eyes ; the lids of them were almoft worn out, or as if they had been in a convulfed ftate . This, the furgeon fuppofed, might be occafioned by a conftant habit of winking. Of the mufcles, the palmaris brevis, which contracts the palm of the hand, was of uncommon fize and ftrength. In the head there was nothing remarkable -the proportion of brain was very middling, and in the front it feemed contracted into a point. This ren dered the os frontis impenetrable. May 30. SHIPPING INTELLIGENCE. [From the fame. ] 30th May 1805. THE'HE Henry Dundas and William Pitt were under orders to fail for Botany Bay ; but on ftripping off fome of the copper fheathing, their boards are found to be fo unferviceable, and their under- works fo bad, that they are to be immediately fent into dock, and it is thought they will be condemned. They are fhowy veffels, and have run a long while ; but they have almoft ruined the owners, and it is high time they fhould be broken up. The Lord Eldon is ftill at fea : the is a very flow failer ; and what with the quantity of rubbifli and heavy SHIPPING INTELLIGENCE. 133 heavy lumber fhe has on board, and her bad rigging, it is difficult to know when the may come to an an chor. Many perfons are reduced to great diftrefs in confequence of her tedious voyages. The Admiral Nelfon was mifled by falfe lights, and has lost her voyage. The Orde turns out a very nimble failer. Nothing can keep up with her. The Hawkeſbury is not yet an old fhip ; but being built in the merchants' yards, the looks more like a trader than a man of war, and her materials are very flimfy, and ill put together. She was found unfit for a foreign ftation, and therefore brought into the home fervice. After all, it is fuppofed fhe must be cut down into a lower rate. When the Canning was firft taken into the fervice, fhe was intended for a fixty-four ; but fhe makes a contemptible figure in the water, rolling and fhifting her ballaft at fuch a rate, that fhe appears fit for no thing but to repeat fignals or crack patereroes. The Caftlereagh tacks quicker than any fhip in the fervice, excepting the Perceval. Yet they are mere craft, and fit only for fire- fhips. The Doctor Henry is water-logged, but the ftill keeps the royal flag difplayed. If the goes down, there will be no raifing her again. The Old Hibernian is ftill a noble veffel ; but ſhe has received fo much damage from the Caftlereagh, the Union, the Teft, and other fcurvy craft, that, in cafe of an engagement, it is fuppofed by fome ſhe would not anfwer the helm. The Britannia has had themisfortune to get among rocks and quickfands, by the incapacity and mifcon duct of the pilot . If the remains long in her prefent fituation, fhe muft inevitably go to pieces. There are people of kill and experience on board, who pointed out the errors of the pilot, and are believed to be ca pable 134 POEMS OF OSSIAN !!! pable of ftill reftoring the fhip ; but the chief officers will take no advice ; the petty officers (like their maf ters) are plundering the ftores, and the crew are care lefsly looking on and amufing themſelves. Windas per laft . POEMS OF OSSIAN !!! Edinburgh, May 20, 1805. (EXTRAORDINARY COMMUNICATION FROM THE ROYAL SOCIETY OF EDINBURGH. ) T " [From the fame. ] SIR, YOU cannot be ignorant of the patriotic endeavours of the Royal Society of this place, to prove that Dr. Johnſon was a fool, and Jamy M'Pherſon entirely guiltlefs of impofture and forgery. How happy muft I and every fon of Caledonia be, in the pleafing con viction that thofe endeavours have been lately crowned with the fuccefs which they deferved. In addition to what you muſt have feen in the public papers, I take the liberty to lay before you the tranflation of a poem, which was lately read before the learned fociety, and which feems, from the accuracy and minutenefs of the allufions, to be founded on a well- known hifto rical fact. It abounds, as you will readily perceive, with that richness of colouring and defcription, and all the pleaf ing, tender, and ( if I may fo exprefs myfelf) unintel ligible pathos, which fo remarkably characterize the productions of the fon of Fingal . The fhort fpecimen which is now fent you, is by many admired as one of the nobleft efforts of the ge nius of our great bard. It has already been ſtamped with the approbation of no fewer than two hundred and fixteen of the members, together with that of the Speaker of the Houfe of Commons. Moft of the English POEMS OF OSSIAN !!! 135 English critics who have feen it, pronounce it to be even fuperior to any heretofore published ; but, fome how or other, it is not fo univerfally admired in Edin burgh, though no doubt is entertained refpecting its authenticity. Without further.preface, I now fubmit the verfion to your impartial criticiſm, obferving only, that it is the work of the fagacious D , who has already re ceived fuch flattering marks of the efteem and regard of the Royal Society, that he moft gratefully mentions them in every company, and ( as is reported) actually expects to attain the rank of Gaelic Secretary, when they fhall think proper to appoint one. MELVINO!!! A SONG OF OTHER TIMES *. Melvino reclined in the gloom of the A-m-y, and he picked his nofet with his defperate finger befide him lay the Fifth Claufe of the Act, and the Tenth Report of the N-I Inquiry. He beheld through the mift the approach of the P-m-r— gloomy and fad was the hero. " What news doft thou bring, O my friend ? What are thy tidings to the ears of Melvino ? Dark is thy vifage as the face of

• The date of the exploits mentioned in the poem is uncertain.

Some think that they have been long paſt ; others, that it is a fort of fecond-fight production . For my own par , I may obferve, “ medio tutiffimus, ibis"-no time like the prefent. This mighty perfon has been much famed for picking his nofe-a mark of cleanlineſs fo remote from the cuftom of his countrymen, that it deferves to be mentioned in the moſt particular manner. Some critics forfooth will have it that this is a miſtake, becauſe, fay they, hiftory informs us, that this great man being convicted of fome moft villanous tranfactions, was condemned to lofe his ears , and ftand upon the pillory. Iam not of the fame opinion, 1. Becauſe (what ever might have been his defects) the fact is not by any means afcer tained ; and, 2. Becauſe we are pofitively told that the great man en joyed a pair of ears of a most unconscionable length, endued with fome very remarkable qualities. the 136 POEMS OF OSSIAN !!! · the N-1 Commiffioners .-Does thy heart fmite thee for thy paſt tranſactions, or art thou mad withthe me mory of our former meaſures ? Confider, O my friend, that they have perifhed from the face of the earth, like Indemnityfor the past, and the Refloration of the " Bourbons."" " Thou knoweft, O myfriend," faid the hero, " that my heart is fteeled against fuch thoughts-thou knoweft that the infpiring influence of thy counfels, like the wine which we have drunk, has banished fuch gloomy ideas from my foul-that reflection and remorfe are to me as the wind upon the face of the barren rock.-Loud, O Melvino ! are the roaring waves of P-m-t ! dreadful the counfels of the Op-fi - n ! Saddle thy dark fteed with hafte -gird on, as in former times, the armour of thy matchlefs effrontery, and flee to the land of thy fore fathers. For the voice of the Sp-k-r ftill rings in my ears-the m-j-ty has declared againſt us. " Deil rive my faul, mon, " exclaimed the warrior, and his countenance fell † , and his voice was as the drone of many bagpipes. " Peace !" faid the P-m-r, " while I recount the dauntless efforts of thy n-ph-w. Impenetrable as the fifteen J- dg- s of Edina, and fearlefs as the brafs on thy forehead, the n-ph- w of Melvino ftood the brunt of the battle. Not a bluſh aroſe to diſturb the fettled vacancy of his countenance. Yet was he worſted, and his filent but firm endeavours were as vain as the expedition to Batavia ‡, or thy letter to the

• Antiquaries feem unanimously to be of opinion that this was the famous M Trotter, alluded to in the P. S.

+ One MS. has it, " he blushed ;" but this is fo perfectly contrary to all history, that it ſeems to be even beyond the reach or influence of the poetica licentia itſelf. Of this expedition little now is known. Our ancient hiftorians feem to have eagerly laboured to draw a veil overit. improbable that they were aſhamed of it. Hence it is not C-m-ers." POEMS OF OSSIAN !!! 137 1 C-m -ers. " Loud roared the fpirit of Melvino at the tidings, as the ftorm which rages through the bleak hills of Caledonia. A gloomy triumph lighted up his comely countenance-he ftarted up as the bounding roe on the hill of Merven, and terrible as the devouring wolf * , the monarch of the foreft, cover ing himself with his mantle oftartan :-" Am I not, ” cried the warrior, " King of Edina ? -Does not my fway extend to the hills of the north ?-Mournful is Edina at the view of my fall t. -The fiddle of my fathers hangs fringlefs in the hall of Dunira ******, The rest of this noble poem is fo confufed, that the Doctor is afraid that he will hardly get it up till fome time after the recefs, though he is even doubtful whe ther exifting circumftances" may not then interfere in the fhape of an impeachment. Notwithstanding, however, the fatal effects of a certain fire, which had nearly confumed the whole MSS. enough is already decyphered, to induce us to hope for more. If you, Mr. Editor, think that what I have fent you is worthy of a place in your paper, its infertion will much oblige many of the literati of this place, as well as Your moft humble fervant, A STICKLER FOR OSSIAN. I may add as a P. S. that many of the Highland cognofcenti here are of opinion , that the above is only a fragment of a great Epic Poem, many parts of which they ſay they have difcovered, which add much to Here again a diferepancy of the MSS. not a few of them reading << Shark. This is certainly more expreffive ; but how will it agree with Monarch of the Foreft , &c. ?" I have therefore fuck to "Wolf." + As the news could not have yet reached Edina , this muſt be confidered as a moft notorious inftance of the fecond fight. This is doubtlefs the celebrated Scotch fiddle, and the mention of it here is a moft fatisfactory evidence of the antiquity of our national mufic. the 138 ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY. the national character. One of them, named " The Dirge of M'Trotter," has excited much attention . I have fubjoined a few notes, illuftrative of the above fragment. June 7. ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY. [From the Oracle .] LOST or frayed away, the combined fleets of France and Spain, laft from Cadiz, hound for Barataria. They were feen by a lieutenant of a man of war in Nubibus, by a neutral captain in an unknown. latitude, and by the Editors of certain papers, off the coaft ofIreland ! Whoever gives pofitive information where they may be found to Admiral Nelfon or Lord Gardner, fhall be rewarded with the thanks of the Legiflature, and the bleffings of an anxious public . Should the fleets immediately return , they will meet with a warm reception from either of the gallant Admirals above mentioned, and no questions afked concerning their future deftination. June 8. ANOTHER.. LOST, fuppofed to have been dropped between Pa lace Yard and Piccadilly, the political integrity of the Oppofition. A tall thin gentlemanlike looking man, who, it is well known, poffeffes more of the article than generally falls to the lot of a fingle individual, is believed to be the finder. If he will deliver it up, and fubmit to be tried by a Select Committee to be chofen out of the Members of the aforefaid Oppofition, he may rely on being treated with that lenity which has of late fo eminently diftinguished their proceedings . But if he retain it after this notice, he will be perfe cuted with the utmoſt rigour of party rancour and difappointed ambition. ANOTHER. EXTRA SPORTING INTELLIGENCE. 139 ANOTHER. MESSRS. Charles Reynard, Samuel Butt, and Co. dealers in and rectifiers of public abufes, take this op portunity of informing their friends and the public in general, that they have recently manufactured a large quantity of grofs mifreprefentations, inflamma tory philippics, and artificialfentiments of patriotifm , the latter of which are fo ingenioufly contrived as to deceive the niceſt obſerver. The whole will be ready for delivery on Tueſday next. June 8. EXTRA SPORTING INTELLIGENCE. [From the fame.] ONTueſday next a grand political, fweepſtakes will be run over St. Stephen's Courfe. The number entered to ſtart is very confiderable. -Among others are the following celebrated racers : Mr. Whitbread's Impeachment, by Rancour, out of Ambition Mr. Pitt's Integrity, by Honefly, out of Independ ence. Mr. Fox's Patriot, by Deception, out of Credulity. Mr. Grey's Libel, by Venom, out of Oracle. Mr. Sheridan's Quibbler, by Falfity, out of Libel's dam. Mr. Kinnaird's Malice, by Ingratitude, out ofHof pitality. Mr. Canning's Rectitude, own brother to Integrity. Mr. Windham's Perfecution, by Malignity, out of Difappointment. Sir J. Newport's Brogue, by Potatoes, out of Hi bernia. OBSERVATIONS. Lord Melville's celebrated horfe Defence, by Juf tice, having received a fevere kick from Perfecution, will 140 EXTRA SPORTING INTELLIGENCE. will be allowed to run a Trial ; but he having won a King's Plate, is difqualified to run for the fweep ftakes. At prefent, Integrity is the favourite, though many of Mr. Whitbread's friends are inclined to back Im peachment, who is to make the Play ; he has, how ever, been much ufed by his owner as a hack, and is therefore fuppofed by the knowing ones to be un found. • Patriot is known to poffefs great Speed, but gene rally runs on the wrongfide of the poft. Quibbler is alfo a very faft runner ; but, in the jockey phrafe, he often wants bottom. Mr. Grey's horfe Libel is fo ill - tempered, that he frequently plunges and kicks, without any perfon being able to tell why or wherefore ; he is, therefore, no great favourite. The friends of Integrity, who are by far the moft able judges, hope that Mr. Windham's Malignity colt, having of late had many hard runs, is nearly ex hauſted. June 10. P EXTRA SPORTING INTELLIGENCE CONTINUED. [From the fame. ] THE Oppofition Pack threw off on Thurſday even ing at their ufual place of rendezvous, and had a very fevere but unfucceſsful run. They appeared completely knocked up, and retired to their kennels in a moft deplorable condition. Being a fubfcription pack, it confifts ofdogs of various forts ; the most re markable are the following: Mr. Fox's Wily, a very fingular animal, extremely fagacious, but by no means obedient ; neither is he to be trufted on all occafions. Mr. Grey's Goofe- quill is very furly, but ſticks, clofe to his game, which he delights to worry. Mr. STUD EXTRAORDINARY. 141 Mr. Whitbread's Vengeance is of the bloodhound breed ; for he never quits the fcent, although it fre quently happens he hits upon a wrong one. This dog has of late been the leader of the pack ; on the above occafion Mr. Grey's Gooſe-quill was the lead ing hound. Mr. Windham's Spiteful, although permitted to hunt with the pack, is not a thorough-bred Fox hound; he has a very deep mouth, but is much given to run counter. Mr. Kinnaird's puppy Fretful is a great babbler, and fo ill-tempered, that he has been known to bite the hand that fed him. Mr. Sheridan's Waver is a cunning old dog, but cannot be depended upón : he will hunt any game oc cafionally, but is fondeft of a Fox. Such are the principal hounds which conftitute this motley pack. The huntſman on Thurſday rode a Grey horfe, that attempted to leap over every thing ; but the rider appeared to be totally ignorant of the country ; he was therefore entirely thrown out, which miſled many other members of the hunt. As the feafon is fo far advanced, we hope they will be guilty of no more trefpaffes on the country. June 22. STUD EXTRAORDINARY. [From the Morning Poft.] THEHE following horfes are advertiſed for fale at the clofe of the prefent feffion . -None of them will be engagedfound ; they muft, therefore, be taken with all their faults : Lord Grenville's horfe Loyalift, lamed by a kick from Mr. Fox's Patriot. In running for the king's plate, lately, Loyalist bolted, run out of the courſe, and tunibled into the Devil's Ditch. Lord 142. STUD EXTRAORDINARY. 1 C LordTemple's black horfe Swankey.- This is but a dull fteed , a flow goer, broken-winded, and cheft foundered; would anfwer, though not blind, very well for a mill, as the animal has got a trick of going round and round without end. Though Swankey is not blind, yet there is no danger that he can fee through a mill -ftone. k "Mr. Fitzgerald's horfe Prancer: -This horfe, al though always in motion, never gets over the ground. He would make a good pillar horfe for a riding- houſe, where nothing but plunging and capering would be required. Mr. Kinnaird's Scotch galloway, called Judas. This is as ftubborn a tit as ever was mounted, and has a damned trick of biting furioufly at the groom who gives him his oats. 'Mr. Pytches' Balderdash. -This horfe is what the jockeys call a roarer. He has but a fhambling gait of going, ftaggers much in his running, aud balks all his leaps. !. Mr. Alexander's Chairman.A hack, from the north of Ireland ; can do all manner of hard work. His coat is alwaysftaring, not for want of good keep ing, but becauſe he is never curried or dreffed. Colonel Crawfurd's Belifarius, a horfe generally fuppofed to be of a dwindled British race, though, from his high creft and length oftale, he appears to have a cross of the Arabian in him. Belifarius ambles in a tolerable ſtyle, and canters freely, but wants Speed for the turf, and has neither figure, fize, nor action for a field officer. Mr.W.Dundas's forrel horfeTefty. A decentfigure, and likely, with fome good management, to make a tolerable charger. At prefent he is fomewhatfkittiſh, and winces fretfully at the lighteft rubbing. It is preſumed that he would go well in a curb, and might with STUD EXTRAORDINARY. 143 with a little care be made in a fhort timeſteady with troops in the ranks. Dr. Lawrence's great horfe Raw Head and Bloody Bones, of the heaviest English breed, in good condi tion, large-boned, long- winded, ftrong, and master of great weight, a good roadster on the highway, and would, if well matched, be a fuit-able horfe to drive in harnefs. He does not anfwer well in a race ; for, whenever he starts at St. Stephen's, he Spreads d- bly ; which, with his awkward habit of difhing, fo -befplashes all about him, that a fhout is generally raifed , which obliges him to bolt abruptly out of the courfe, fo that he feldom comes in at the poft, Mr. Wallace's Pegafus, a delicate nag, apparently hide-bound, and generally kept in body-clothes. This little horfe is equal to confiderable weight, and goes well in all his paces. He has a natural antipathy to fetters and restraint, and always gallops at the top of his Speed whenever he has them in his view. His common gait is a Smooth Steady trot ; but he fhewed great Spirit and bottom in a late political hunt, having engaged in the chafe from thefirft finding, and leuped every thing flying and inftroke, till he came in among the foremoſt at the death. Mr. Foster's black horfe Oroonoko, a reftive animal, but wellfed, and in good condition. This horfe fhews by his rearing, fnorting, and flinging, how highly he is pampered. He has a ddtrick of stopping fud denly, as well as ofſtumbling, which renders him un fit for Sport, and unfafe to ride, but he would make capital machine horfe. Oroonoko is generally loofe in the ftable, where he goes about kicking and biting the cattle tied up; fo that the groom begins at length to think feriously of fecuring him with a halter. a 1 Mr. Pitt's celebrated horfe Eclipfe, who has gained more King's Plates than any horfe in exiftence . Eclipfe, however, has not been equallyfuccefsful in every other cafe. 144 STUD EXTRAORDINARY. cafe. He was beaten after a hardly contefted race, in a bye match last meeting, owing in part to the heavy weight he carried, and in part to the treachery of a con fidential groom and fome ftable- boys, who went over to the oppofition cattle. Mr. Serjeant Beft's noted hackney, Trimmer, decent on a trial, but miferable when he came to be tried. Trimmer had been fome weeks in training to take a lead at St. Stephen's ; but, when it came to the point,. found himself fo fqueezed in the trappings prepared by a Report of the Committee, that he fhrunk appalled from the conteft, and the match lies over to next meet ing. Mr. Canning's Highflyer, hot, fiery, and mettle fome, a reputed racer, without any greatshow ofblood. He toffes his head and plunges violently, when checked or galled ; but will become every day more manageable by the ufe of a proper bit and martingal. Lord Henry Petty's Nimrod, a colt of fome promife, fhews more blood than bone, more mettle than bottom, goes with great fpirit, but is rather weak in his wind, and will require much care to prevent his running himſelfto a burst. Lord De Blaquiere's Sycophant, aged, and difabled by a violent kick from Mr. Vanfittart's Dublin Pa viour. Sycophant is flow, and goes heavily, perhaps from his having been accustomed to a boggy foil, where he was often faddle-fkirts deep in mud and dirt. But the mifchief is, he never fhews himſelf at St. Stephen's without betraying fome of thefilth. Lord Archibald Hamilton's Boreas, a horfe of great fize, but little action, fhews more bone than blood, lefs fpirit than courage-is faid to have good bottom, but will require great perfeverance and much Spurring, to bring that to light. Mr. Ward's great hobby- horfe, Grotius. This is a fteed of fome powers and great utility. He is a horfe of all work, but particularly ferviceable in the draft. STUD EXTRAORDINARY. 145 17 draft. He is true to the law of nature, and ſeems confequently to take pleaſure in the yoke. Mr. Curwen's Grumbler, an overgrown maux. This beaft was eſteemed quiet, and fhewed no. the ſmalleſt Symptom of ill temper or vice while the animals about him were loading ; but when it came to his turn, he becamea very d-1 ; he kicked, and reared, and plunged, and foamed, and hoifed ; fo that at length it was found neceffary for fafety to divide his burden among thoſe already loaded. Mr. Garrow's Prancer, but juſt entered, tough, and much addicted to biting. He has a very foul mouth, in confequence of a trick of thrusting out his tongue on all occafions, fo that no curb can reftrain him. This horfe is a tolerable figure when drawn out at the bar, but is likely to have his progrefs effec tually impeded at St. Stephen's by fome well-timed checks. Mr. Paul's Tippoo, alfo juft entered, fhews much of the intemperate fire of the torrid zone, but has cooled as he advanced, and is expected to be fo well feafonedto the climate next winter, as to become quiet, gentle, and tractable. Mr. G. Johnftone's Teaxer, a horfe neither one thing nor the other ; he baulks all his leaps, and is a great enemy to burdens, though he tugs inceffantly at a great weight. He is more violent than hurtful, becauſe he paws rather than kicks. Mr. M'Naughten's Bigot, by Firebrand, of the Arrogant breed, with a crofs of the cart. This large animal is reftive and vicious among weaker horfes, though the best trained back of the medical ftud, and now runs as kindly in harneſs in the Eclipfe team.— Bigot is great at his feed, and expected an increaſe of VOL. IX. *H it 146 STUD EXTRAORDINARY. it through Weigh Mafter ; but getting his corn occa fionally with thorough- bred horfes, is thought ample for him. Lord Caftlereagh's Proteus, well-bred, but better trained, has a great fhow of blood, but little of the fire and impetuofity of a high- mettled courfer. Proteus is perfect in all the arts of the manege, can recede, or advance ; turn handily to the right, or to the left, according to the wifh of his rider. He occupies a fnug ftall in the ftable, and is always in running con dition. This horfe has many excellent points, and is withal fo temperate, that a lady may either drive or ride him. Mr. Rofe's Philippus, aged, a horfe of great proof, Sagacity, and experience. He has been ridden and driven over every fpecies of ground, from the hardeſt flint to the moft putrid quagmire ; and never horſe proved more ferviceable to his maſter. He has pro fited fo much by his experience, that he can at a glance pick out the moft folid footing in the deepeſt lough, and no animal is better qualified to gain upon an adverfary by a ſhort turn. Sir John Newport's Paddy Whack, a fmart Iriſh poney, flippant and free, but wanting ftrength, Readiness, and bottom. This little animal goes glibly enough with a feather weight, but is wholly unequal to vigorous efforts or continued exertions, and hence all his motions have been excluſively for papers. Mr. Fox's Patriot, a horfe long and well known at St. Stephen's. He is confidered by many as ofthe Left English breed, and poffeffes firft rate powers. Patriot was very fuccessful in his early career, whenhe STUD EXTRAORDINARY. 147 he fhewed as much mettle as any in the ftud. But his familiarity with diſappointment fince has damped his courage, and he no longer feems to poffefs the noble ardour of a fpirited Britiſh fteed. He took a King's plate formerly from being ridden by North ; and now, when all England is challenged, proves in difpofed to the conteft, unleſs backed by a northern jockey. Sir Sydney Smith's Hero, a generous courfer, that has eſtabliſhed the reputation of the British breed in the most diftant regions. This noble fteed fhews as much blood as he has done fpirit and bottom. He has beaten Little Emperor, the cock and crack of the Continent, over an Acre, and is ftill ready to enter the lifts againſt him on any part or portion of the globe. Mr. Grey's horfe Pompofo, fhowy withoutftrength, and a flourisher without bottom, carries his head very high, but is unequal to much weight : he has unac countably been claffed with first rate cattle, without action to entitle him to rank above mediocrity. Pom pofo is extremely tender on fome points, which renders him Spiteful andfulky. An incautious obferver hap pening lately to prefs, by accident, upon one of theſe points, Pompofo plunged and kicked violently, until he found that the groom, fo far from curbing his impe tuofity, was fpurring him on, and then, like every vicious beaft, he became fuddenly tame after having fruitlessly expofed his ill temper, and the peevish ha bits of a galled jade. The incautious obferver re ceived only a kick, that confined him afew days. The Attorney General's Tom Tug, a little animal of confiderable powers and great activity ; he goes lightly in all his paces, without either whip or fpur, and is remarkable for never baulking or fhying. His Spirit, under proper restraint, might infure him un qualified fuccefs, but his eager impatience and un checked ardour often plunge him into floughs, from H 2 which, 148 STUD EXTRAORDINARY. which, with all his adroitnefs, he cannot extricate himfelf withoutfomeftain. Mr. Windham's Triftram Shandy, a horſe celebrated justly for the fport he has afforded. This horfe has un common powers, poffeffingfirength, activity, fleetneſs, and bottom. He never ftarts without affordingfport, though he is feldom fuccessful. He covers a deal of ground in his progress ; but being full of playfulneſs , Spirit, and frolic, he bolts at every turn, and fails eventually by wafting his ftrength in wanton capers and idle gambols. Triftram Shandy was formerly much used with troops, though now he cannot bear a red coat ; and whenever he gets among the military, volunteers, militia, referve, or even regulars, he makes a fhocking havock and confufion, until thrown upon his haunches by a kick from Mr. Sheridan's Volunteer, a fpirited British fteed, uniting ardour with activity, and mettle with bottom . Volunteer has long been a favourite, and ranked with the first rate horfes. He is rather greedy at a feed, which fometimes produces surfeit, and neceffarily pre vents him from making the figure he otherwife would. This generous courfer, however, never fails to acquire diftinction, when hestarts in the caufe of the volun teers and of his country againſt Triftram Shandy, to whom he lends a kick in paffing, that generally diſables him for continuing the conteft. 1 Mr. Hiley Addington's Turn- coat, a dull, fpiritlefs animal, poffeffing neither figure for the field, activity for the turf, nor ftrength for the draft. He has been tried in a team , in which he was rather drawn than drawing, and confequently was difmiffed for imbecility. Turn- coat's want of Spirit is evident from his having been afraid to fhew his refentment till his adverfary was profirate. Mr. Long's horfe Tickler, an animal of more Strength than speed, lefs fhowy than useful, compact and STUD EXTRAORDINARY. 149 andfteady, and altogether a ferviceable feed. Tickler has not fleetnefs for the turf, nor fpirit for the chafe, but is eminently qualified for the draft, and therefore appropriately placed in the Treaſury team. Mr. Whitbread's Kill- Devil, an animal of English breed, but not remarkable for pedigree in the Racing Calendar. He is a goodfigure and well fet, with less Show than action, more proof than promife. Kill Devil has appeared to much advantage at different. times, but never fo favourably as at laft meeting, when he carried every thing before him, with the ex ception of a fingle check. Hefhews much good tem per, but yet always kicks home, and with all his might, when an opportunity offers . Mr. Bond's Scorpion, a horſe of ſome character but little action, having ftrength withoutfigure, and flip pancy not unaccompanied with bottom. Scorpion rofe unexpectedly above his ufual level at the last meeting bythe artifice and cunning of his rider, who referved him carefully to the laft ftage of a hardly contefted race, and then, by putting forth all his powers, enabled him to take the lead in one heat of Kill Devil. Mr. Bankes's Schedoni, a capering animal, that difplays Spirit withoutSpeed, and perfeverance without bottom, having fome powers but little energy. Sche doni often comes forward, but his progress is cha racterized rather by the convulfive agony of plunging than the even pacing of a gallop. What he may gain by thefudden effort, he lofes bythe fucceeding panje. Mr. Richard Ryder's horfe Tatler, an animal of a good figure and a free fpirit, having more fleetness than Strength, greater activity than powers, is ever ready tofart without whip orfpur, and always proves an excellent match againſt time. Lord Offulton's Ambrofio, a little horfe well bred, and not badly trained, has a great show of blood, com H 3 bined 150 STUD EXTRAORDINARY. bined with uncommon activity for hisfize. His figure is unexceptionable, confidering his height. Ambrofio is a delicate animal, moves gracefully in all his paces, and will make a capital horfe for a lady. Sir William Burrowes's Prodigal, a fteed that fhews more mettle than blood, and is flippant and free with out great bone or much action. Prodigal has been much uſed in his day at hard work, and might yet be a ferviceable beaft, but that he has been lamed lately by a chance kick, which though he may get over, muſt infallibly leave an eye -fore behind. Mr. Courtenay's Merryman, aged, a horfe that has ever been moreshowy than useful, and yet afforded great fport at various times, without acquiring much fame or enhancing his value. Merryman's great forte in which had his hich unplay in KEY ~~] poqueeringI **** feeding by his wantonnefs, and his vicious nature by biting and kicking at every thing that came in his way heis now a dull, ſpiritless beaſt, quite worn out in the fervice. Mr. Williams Wynne's Precipitate. This is a horfe of a good figure and fome courage : he steps out boldly, and never fhies at any thing : he fhews great blood, bone, and fpirit, but unfortunately wants proof and bottom, owing to his being touched in his wind, or cheft-foundered, in confequence of an accident he met after a fevere chafe in the mountains ofWales. Mr. Robert Adair's Sancho, a flight ufeful hackney, having more figure than blood, and fome appearance of bone, without action or bottom. He has never been tried, having heen ever hitherto appropriated to the whipper-in or fomeftable- boy. It is remarkable that various means have been taken to get Sancho into good condition, without fuccefs. He has lately been turned out on a grafs farm to get fat, if poffible, and propagate. PICTURE ( 151 ) PICTURE GALLERY. [From the Britiſh Prefs. ] MOST of the artifts have fent in their works for this year's public exhibition ; and the hanging committee are bufily employed in arranging them according to their refpective merits. Having obtained admiffion to the gallery, we prefent our readers with an account of the most diftinguiſhed pieces. No. 1. A full-length portrait of Sir Francis Bacon, Lord Verulam, by V. Melville, R. A. and A. S. S. His Lordship is drawn feated at his table, counting his money-bags, while one of his fervants is feen filching the guineas, and trotting off with them to his banker. The outline is bold, but the colouring is coarſe, and the light and fhade are injudiciously con trafted . There is a palpable error in the coftume, which is Caledonian, as is alfo the caft of his Lordship's features. No. 2. A portrait of Alexander the Great, by Mr. Wellesley, R. A. The hero is not drawn, as we ufually find him reprefented, vifiting the camp of Darius, or the temple of Jupiter Ammon, killing Clytus, or feafting and firing a town with Thais. He is mounted upon his favourite fteed Bucephalus, ca pering and prancing over the Directors of a certain Company, who are ſprawling under his feet, and crying out for mercy. At first glance, this painting has fomething the air of St. George and the Dragon ; but, upon an attentive view, we recognife, in both the horſe and the rider, a great deal of the expreffion of Don Quixote and Rofinante. This piece is finely painted, but we think there is too much glare and glitter in the colours. There is alfo a palpable ana chronifm in the defign ; fome thouſands of years hav ing intervened between the time of Alexander the Great and the eſtabliſhment of the Company in quef tion. HL 4 No. 152 PICTURE GALLERY. No. 4. Eve, 66 --in naked beauty more adorn'd, More lovely than Pandora——” Milton's Paradiſe Loft. Not fewer than one hundred fafhionable belles at the weft end of the town, claim this picture as their production. The face, neck, bofom, and arms, are finely painted ; but the colouring of the reft of the figure is cold. There is a good deal of grace in the attitude, and the Venus de Medicis does not boaſt more fymmetry and finer proportions. But, with all thefe beauties, there is a want of truth in the defign. Eve ought to be naked, or, at moft, only clothed with a fig- leaf. This very nakedness is effential to the expreffion of her countenance, as a proof of the in nocence and purity of her mind. But a fort of tranf parency is fpread over nearly one tenth part of the figure before us. The fcenery is alſo liable to objec tion. It looks more like the Green Park than the Garden of Eden . No. 7. Adam turned out ofParadife. By A. Trot ter, R. A. " O unexpected ftroke, worſe than of death ! Muft I thus leave thee ?" Milton's Paradiſe Loft. This painting, which reprefents Adam receiving orders to leave Paradife, from the Archangel Michael, is a very unequal performance. The expreffion of Adam is prodigioufly fine. The words of the immor tal poet, 66 --For Adam at the news, Heart-ftruck, with chilling gripe of forrow ftood, That all his fenfes bound," are impreffed on every feature. Indeed, as a repre fentation of grief, this painting has even fuperior claims PICTURE GALLERY. 153 claims to the celebrated picture of Agamemnon facri ficing his daughter. There the artift , defpairing to give the feature adequate expreffion , muffles the head up in a robe. Here the artiſt exhibits the counte nance, marked with all the anguifh poffible to be con ceived by the poet's fancy. The expreffion of the Archangel Michael is, perhaps, not lefs happy. His lips feem to breathe the fentence ; 66 To remove thee I am come ; And fend thee from the garden forth, to till The ground, whence thou waft taken, fitter foil. " The heart of the Archangel is penetrated with forrow, and, like a merciful judge, he appears to weep while delivering this fentence. The figure of the Arch angel is, however, very defective ; it wants dignity, and has nothing divine about it. The fcenery alfo has no one appropriate character . It refembles Somerſet Houſe in the Strand, more than the Garden of Eden, and gives to the portraits more the airs of Mr. Can ning difcharging his Paymafter, than the Archangel Michael turning Adam out of Paradiſe. No.9. The celebrated Battle betweenHumphries and Mendoza. Bý Meffrs. Kemble and Braham, R. A. The two artists, for this is a joint production, have very happily ſeized the moment when victory begins to incline in favour of Mendoza. Humphries bears the marks of feveral hard blows upon his body, and appears much cut about the head. Every thing is preffed into the fcene to excite intereft for the con queror. His antagonist is of much larger ftature, and has the advantage of the prefence of feveral friends upon the ſtage, while only one adventurous female attends Mendoza, nor has he even the aid of a bottle holder. A licenfe of this kind is, however, always juftifiable, when it gives force and intereft to the de H 5 fign. 154 PICTURE GALLERY. fign. The picture is in a fine tone of colouring, the figures ftand boldly out from the canvas, and the light and fhade are admirably difpofed. The fpectators are perhaps as fine a group as ever was executed. You fancy, from the enthufiafm expreffed in their coun tenances, that you are in the midſt of the moſt violent uproar and confufion . The artiſts are faid to have borrowed much of the fcenery from a late theatrical exhibition. No. 14. The Robbers' Den, a Scene from Gil Blas. Forty Thieves are feen in the act of bringing in their fpoil, and delivering it up to their leader or captain. The immenfe fums which they produce fhew the enormous contributions which they have levied from the public. The forty thieves are evi dently fketched from feveral favourite performers at Drury Lane Theatre, to whom they bear a ftrong likenefs, and the leader of the gang is an exact refem blance of Mr. Sheridan. The expreffion of the leader is very fine. He views the gang with parental affec tion, or as an author would the fuccefs of his own piece. No. 15. Queen Katherine recommending her infant Daughter to the Royal Care. By the late Lady H. Seymour. Kath. " In which I have commended to his goodneſs The model of our chafte loves, my young daughter. The dews of heav'n fall thick in bleffings on her! She is young, and of a noble modeſt nature. " Shak. King Henry VIII. A&t iv. Sc. 2. There is an air of holy devotion, mixed with the pureft maternal love, in the expreffion of this painting. The countenance of Lady H. Seymour is that of an expiring faint, and the beautiful features of the child beam with ineffable fweetnefs, innocence, and fim plicity. No. PICTURE GALLERY. 155 No. 16. View of a Mill for grinding old Women young. By Madame This appears to be a fort of windmill, the motions of which are as changeable as the light whiffling air, or the fudden refolves of fafhion. Inftead of coarfe cloth, the fails are of the fineft poffible materials, in fome parts rivalling in delicacy the wings of the gof famer. The mill is in full activity, and you fancy that you almoſt hear the bufy clack of the clapper. There is a coach ſtanding at the door, full of old ma terials, all frivelled and blue-mouldy. The people of the mill appear to be pretty delicate girls, and the interior of the place exactly reſembles a milliner's fhop. The colouring of this painting is very fine, The red and white are beautifully contrafted, ftudded with rofes, and ſtreaked with veins of celestial blue. No. 17. Attack upon Fort Paftry. By Colonel Craufurd. The Colonel appears to have furprised the Go vernor of the Fort, and commenced his attack in its rear. He is ſtanding in an erect poſture, with his noſe turned up, in confequence of a ſhot in the olfac tory nerves, from a hot bowl of foup. The fort is commanded by Governor Birch, who keeps up a very fmart fire upon the enemy. His troops appear to be wellfeafoned, and ſtand cutting amazingly well. The Colonel's fhot may be feen flying through the fort, like fo many hard dumplings. In the back ground is a diftant view of the battle of Prefton Pans, and in the foreground a fplendid fketch of China. The file of the fort is called Corn Hill . The armour and arms, we think, are badly defigned. The mortars and cul verins are like bowls and bafons, for which Mambrino's helmet probably furnished the model. The goût is allowed, however, to be very fine, and difplays much tafte. This picture is of that fpecies which the Italians call paftici, from pafte ; becauſe, as the feveral things. that feafon a pafty are reduced to one tafte, fo coun H 6 terfeits 156 PICTURE GALLERY! terfeits that compofe a paftici tend only to effect one truth. No. 21. Jeffica and Lorenzo. By Mifs F-—, of Barnes Green, and Capt. W , of the Navy, R. A. "" Jef. "I will make faft the doors, and gild myſelf with fome more ducats, and be with you ftraight." Merchant of Venice, Act iii. Scene 6. The countenance of the fair Jewefs is finely lighted up with hope and defire. The attitude of Lorenzo, as, full of anxious expectation, he waits for his miſtreſs outfide the door, is alfo admirably conceived . There is a fine breadth of light upon it, which difplays to great advantage the features of the gallant tar. This piece is very chaftely coloured, and the drapery diſ pofed with great tafte. The perfpective is alfo very fine. It gives a diftant view of Gretna Green, with a Jewish fynagogue in the back ground . No. 27. Mufidora bathing. By the Hon. Lady " R. A. 1 "Meantime this fairer nymph than ever bleſt Arcadian ftream , with timid eye around The banks furveying, ftripp'd her beauteous limbs, To tafte the lucid coolnefs of the flood." Thomſon's Seaſons. 1 Mufidora is feated upon a verdant bank, with a fine clear expanfe of water at her feet. She has thrown off all her upper garments, and nought remains, ex cept a tranfparent drapery, taftefully difpofed, which appears just on the point of falling down, and reveal ing, in full day, thofe glowing charms which it but very imperfectly conceals. The face is beautifully painted, and the figure graceful and elegant ; but the defign is looſe, and the countenance more expreffive of confidence, than that modeft confufion which flushed. the cheek of Mufidora. The critics are divided in opinion PICTURE GALLERY. 157 opinion upon this piece. Some of them contend, fro the crowd of Damons in the back ground, that the half- naked Mufidora is a town-bred elegante, in full drefs, upon the banks of the Serpentine , in Hyde Park. No. 28. Europa carried off by a Bull. By Bona parte and Frederic, R. A. The ftory of Europa, recorded in the heathen my thology, meant nothing more than a young lady carried away by her paffions . The prefent number appears to be an allegorical repreſentation of the ſtate of the Continent. It ranks among the first order of the horrible. Selfishness and ambition, two monſters, have tied Europa hand and foot. She bends a fup plicating eye towards England, while every part of her beauteous face and bofom bears marks of ruffian violence. This picture evinces a vigorous hand, but moft of the fituations are forced and unnatural. The connoiffeurs affert, that the colours are flying. We fhall not, therefore, be ſurpriſed , if not a trace of this picture fhall remain in a few years. No. 29. Sheep-fhearing. By Admiral Miffieffi, a French Artift. " Or rushing thence in one diffuſive band, They drive the troubled flocks, by many a dog compell'd." Thomfon's Seafons. This piece was painted at the joint expenſe of the iflands of St. Chriftopher and Dominica, the inha bitants of which raifed a fubfcription to reward the artift's labours. The dogs are a fpecies of French pugs, as dull and mangy a pack as ever hunted a hare. The flocks are moftly a croffed breed, including the African with a mixture of the Leiceſter and South Down. Although fome of them fubmit their woolly fides patiently to the fheers, we perceive in the fore ground 158 PICTURE GALLERY. ground a beautiful view of Prince Rupert's Head, with a little flock, headed by a fine Engliſh ram, daring the enemy to the conteft. The defign of this piece is ftolen from an old Spanish picture of the Buccaneers, and the execution is feeble and fpiritlefs. Had the Hanging Committee put the artift in the place of his work, they would have done him fubftantial justice. No. 30. Archery, a Scene from Robin Hood. By L-d Vt C-ft -r- gh, R. A. Adam Bell and Clim of the Clough and William of Cloudefley, are all drawn in the act of contending with the long bow. Clim of the Clough is fhooting eaſt and weſt at the fame time, and hitting both marks. with equal certainty and fuccefs. Some of his com petitors complain that it is not fair play, Clim appear ing to have two firings to his bow." This picture boaſts much brilliancy of colour, but it wants keeping. The King's deer, and the King's cheefe, are in the perfpective. No. 31. Irrefolution perfonified. By the Right Hon. John F-ft-r, Academician. " He handled the rope, and he travers'd the cart, He often took leave, but was loth to depart." Afort of cart or carriage is in the act of fetting out from the Treaſury for Tunbridge Wells. A pale old gentleman is feated in it. The tears in his eyes prove he departs with great regret. We never faw forrow and diſappointment more ftrongly depicted in any human vifage. He feems to exclaim , " For who this happy ftation e'er refign'd, Nor caft one longing, ling'ring look behind ?” The ſtate phyſician urges the benefit of the country, and a thouſand other conftitutional arguments, to which the old gentleman appears to yield, but with a very PICTURE GALLERY. 159 very bad grace. This piece gives a tolerable idea of the claro obfcuro, but it at the fame time fhews a great deal of fineffe and plagiariſm . No. 32. Julio, by M. Sprott, Academician. This is a full- length portrait of this intereſting deaf and dumb youth, from the favourite play of Deafand Dumb. The perfon of Julio is liable to the objection made by the critics to the portrait at Drury Lane Theatre. It is too ftiff and too old. The attitude and expreffion of the Abbé De l'Epée are bad. He looks more like one of the Commiffioners of Naval Inquiry, lamenting that he cannot teach the boy to fpeak, than the philanthropic preceptor rejoicing in the fuccefs of his art. The expreffion of Julio is alfo very defective. His countenance betrays no joy at the triumph of right over injuſtice, and the reſtoration of property to the injured owner. Moft affuredly it was not the elegant Mifs De Camp, but fome ftiff broker of the Stock Exchange, who fat for this por trait. The piece, however, is not without intereft, and the drawing is upon a very large ſcale. No. 33. A Stud, comprifing only two Horfes, the joint Production of G. Ponfonby, and G. Canning, Royal Artifts. The two horfes are Treafurer and Patriot. Trea furer appears to have been lately tied up to the rack and manger ; and, as if juft loofened from a long faft, to be greedily devouring his oats. He is kicking, flinging, and biting, to fuch an excefs, that his groom feems afraid to approach his fides with the curry-comb. Patriot is a fine-blooded horfe of great bone and finew ; he views Treasurer with great con tempt from an oppofite ſtall. No. 34. Don John and the Child. By Mr. Kemble and Maſter Betty, R. A. (6 -Did the devil lead me ? Muft I needs be peeping Into men's houſes where I had no buſineſs, And 160 PICTURE GALLERY. And make myſelf a mifchief ? What have I got by this now ? -What's the purchaſe A piece of evening arras-work, a child ! This comes of peeping. Good white bread, Let's have no bawling with you." 1 The Chances, A& i . Sc. 1 . The diſappointment and mortification of Don John are finely expreffed at this refult of his curiofity. He appears to be fumbling and ftriving to muffle up the child from public view with great anxiety. To heighten the effect, the artift has introduced the neighbour hood all crowding about him, ftruggling and ftriving to catch a glimpfe of the child. The defign and expreffion of this piece are exquifite ; but the colours are flying, and it wants keep. No. 35. A Cattle-fhow. By N. Bonaparte, A. P. E. This has more the appearance of a menagerie, or collection of wild beafts, than an affemblage of prime cattle competitors for prizes. There are a few Swifs and Dutch theep, which appear to be fhorn to the very fkin. The French fwine alfo appear to be in miferably low condition . They look like fo many ftill fows, for the artift has contrived to deprive them of even the faculty of grunting. A Spanish ram and ewe, the property of the Prince of Peace, in the fore ground, arreft the attention, the former by the enor mous fize of his horns, and the latter by the fineness of her fleece. It is filkier and finer by much than the fineſt of the Merino breed. A milch cow from Hamburgh is alfo one of the handſomeft animals in the group. M. Talleyrand, a celebrated Paris dealer, is reprefented in the act of meaſuring the depth of her fat upon the rib. The grouping of this picture is very defective. It appears forced. Few of the animals are drawn in their natural proportions, and they are all dull and deftitute of ſpirit. It has been often re marked by naturalifts, that the expreffion of the coun tènance PICTURE GALLERY. 161 tenance of beafts may be often traced in the human face. The obfervation holds good in this piece. The cattle look like the reprefentatives of the feveral nations who attended the coronation of Bonaparte at Paris. No. 36. Anhalt and Amelia Wildenheim. Mr. and the Hon . Mifs P- tre . By Anb.- Love !" Amelia-" Come then, teach it me-teach it me as you taught me geography, languages, and other important things." Lovers' Vows. The innocence and playfulneſs of Amelia are hap pily expreffed ; but the countenance of Anhalt is very defective. He appears more like Abelard encouraging the clandeftine love of Eloifa, than the confcientious and upright tutor in Lovers' Vows refifting the impulſe of paffion, and awaiting the confent of the Baron. There is a good deal of ſpirit in this piece. It is well painted, and the portraits have the merit ofbeing cor rect likeneffes . No. 37. The Combined Fleets of France and Spain aftonishing both Hemiſpheres by their Valour. By Ad mirals Villeneuve and Gravina, R. A. Vill. " Our fortune on the fea is out of breath, And finks moſt lamentably. Had our general Been what he knew himſelf, it had gone well Oh ! he has giv'n example for our flight, Molt grofsly by his own." Anthony and Cleopatra, Act iii . Sc. 9. Bonaparte's flight from Egypt, and efcape from Lord Nelfon, appear to have fuggefted the defign of this picture. The commanders are drawn fupplicat ing the winds, as the natural allies of a revolutionary government, to aid their efcape. The countenances of the crews are finely expreffive of fear, horror, and confternation. The artifts, for this appears to be a joint 162 PICTURE GALLERY. joint work, have crowded all their canvafs, and the colours are flying. The figures want warmth and animation ; but they are ftrongly contrafted with a diftant view of Lord Nelfon's fleet ; which, in fpirit, vigour, and brilliancy of execution, ranks as a chef d'œuvre in the art. No. 36. Poucet and his Brothers in the Caftle of the Ogre. By Mafter Betty, Mafter Brown, Maſter Oſcar Byrne, and feveral other young Rofcii, R. A. The Caftle of the Ogre is very defective in archi tectural defign, as it reſembles a modern theatre more than an old Gothic ftructure. The features and ex preffion of the Ogre remind us of Mr. Kemble in King John ; and little Poucet is a moft ftriking like nefs of Mafter Betty. The latter is in the act of defeating the defigns of the Ogre, and carrying off all his little brothers in trimnh Poucet is draw in a very impofing attitude, but there is no harmony in the colouring of the figures. The Scenery is borrowed from that of Covent Garden Theaire. www . - No. 38. Portrait of the Emperor of the French and King of Italy. By Napoleon Bonaparte, R. A. This artift is from Corfica ; a country not very fa vourable to the cultivation of the fine arts. Poffeffing no originality, he plumes himſelf only as a copyift of the great mafters ofthe old ſchools. Charlemagne, Machi avelli, and Julio Cæfaro Romano, are his favourite mo dels. The prefent portrait is very defective in defign and colouring. The figure is diminutive, and totally deftitute of dignity and grandeur. It is a mere daub, full of meretricious glare and tawdry embelliſhment. The painting has more of the manner and expreffion of Sancho Panza affuming the reins of government in Barataria, or the Jaques of Mr. Collins perfonating the Duke d'Aranza in The Honey Moon, than an Emperor of France . Pofterity will ſcarcely credit the enormous U 1 PICTURE GALLERY . 163 enormous price which Europe has paid for this mifer able picture. No. 39. Portrait of Califia. By A. T-tt-r, R. A. " And what bold parafite's officious tongue Shall dare to tax Califta's name with guilt ?" Fair Penitent. Califta is drawn in the act of tearing the fatal letter; or, in the language of the Tenth Report, deftroying the vouchers of her illicit commerce. The figure is mafculine, and the features are faid to refemble thoſe of Mr. Trotter, late Paymaster of the Navy. The artiſt has fallen into another glaring error, as he has placed the gallant gay Lothario in a corner, boafting the " olorious golden opportunity" which he enjoyed. is faid to have fat for 8-4 . A certain Broker in the . ;. Lothario. There is no foftness or delicacy in the colouring of the heads. They refemble bronze, much more than the production of the pencil. No. 40. Birth of a Lie. This is the production of an artift, who, for obvious reafons, has not thought fit to avow himſelf. Ifto embody idea, and give to airy nothing a local habitation and a name, be the highest flight of the poet's fancy, how much more arduous must be the painter's tafk ?-A difcarded fer vant is feen confulting with that lying goffip Fame, upon the best mode of playing upon his Noble Mif trefs . Cards of invitation are eafily changed into playing cards, and the hofpitality of the amiable Duchefs, being unbounded, is made the meaſure of her lofs at play, and the money, of courſe, is chiefly won by her moft intimate friends . A newfmonger is upon the watch, and carries the half- engendered lie to an able and experienced artift, who dreffes it up into a definite and fubftantial ftory. The growth of the lie, as it paffes from lip to lip, until it comes into the poffeffion 164 PICTURE GALLERY. poffeffion of the finisher, is executed with great tafle and fancy. The expreffion of the figures is alfo very fine, but feems borrowed from the countenance of Satan, upon his firft view of Paradife. The art of painting, like the art of poetry, ought to be fubfervient to the caufe of virtue. Tried by this rule, this is a vile and ſcandalous production. No. 41. Sketch of a Political Diving Machine. By Viſcount Caftlereagh, R. A. A. S. S. A late experiment made in the Thames, near Wool wich, in prefence of Lord Mulgrave, Sir Sidney Smith, Mr. Pitt, and Mr. Long, appears to have fug gefted the idea of this piece. The machine is fome thing like the fhape of a man, or, perhaps, more like a mermaid. It appears to have caught two very fine plaices, and taken in a great number of flats and gudgeons. The Union Jack is feen flying at the head of the machine, while " the Pilot that weathered the ftorm," in a neighbouring barge, is finging, " Down, Down, high Derry Down." In one view, the fcene appears like a fhip clearing for action, which had thrown its lumber overboard ; but the motion of the arms, and the expreffion of the countenance of the crew, one of whom is giving the machine a long pull, correfpond more with failors heaving the lead. This piece is done in water colours. The finking of the diving-bell, although accidental, and quite foreign from the intention or defign of the artift, is the moſt beautiful and moft admired part of the performance. Had the artiſt ſtopped there, it would have been a chef- d'œuvre. ______ No. 42. The Tailor and his Goofe. A Scene in Yorkshire. By- Flint, Thornton, and Co. R. A. The tailor appears a Flint of fire. The goofe is hiffing hot. The fpectator almoſt fancies that he hears the hifs. The tailor is in the act of lacing a Colonel's coat. The fcene is very defective, being more 1 PICTURE GALLERY. 165 more like the grand ftand on the race- courfe near York, than a tailor's fhop- board. The meaſure is alfo very bad, and this fprightly Flint, we think, would not be very likely to pleaſe a man of faſhion. The colours of this piece are too violent. It is a haſty fketch, without any regard to order or propriety. An honeſt Yorkſhire attorney, however, of fome taſte, confiders it a valuable production. No. 43. Pattern ofnew Furniture for St. Stephen's Chapel. The materials confift chiefly of a few fag ends of nobility, fome old shopkeepers, and a great number of turned coats for the covering of the feats . They are of all colours, and, indeed, of every quality, from the fuperfine English, down to coarfe Iriſh ftuff and Scotch ratteens. The old furniture appears to have been partly deftroyed by a fort of diffolving proceſs ; but we fee a large piece of it here and there, making in the tout enfemble a very clumfy fort of patch -work, in which the buff and blue contend for the fuperiority over the orange and Windfor uniform. The price of this painting we do not exactly know. The late Lord Clare has publicly declared, that a piece of the fame defcription, but on a much ſmaller ſcale, coft the coun try halfa million. No. 44. Portrait of an Orator. By the Right Hon. G. Canning, A. S. S. This is a portrait of the kit- cat fize. The figure wants grace, and the right arm is diftinguished by an awkward fwing. There is in the eye more of the animation of a flapper, than of the brilliancy of ge nuine wit. The expreffion of the countenance is a mixture of the feeble and furious ; and the colouring, which is meagre and fuperficial, boaſts not the leaft pretenfions to mellowness or harmony. This is a very crude and unfinished piece, glaring and fhowy, but deftitute ofreal grandeur and folidity. No 166 PICTURE GALLERY. No. 45. Defign for a new Cabinet. By Meffrs . Fox, Grenville, Pitt, Addington, &c. R. A. Defigns that are but just touched, and not finiſhed, have more fpirit, and pleaſe more than thofe that are perfected, provided their character be good, and they put the fpectator in a pleaſant train of thought. The reafon is obvious. The imagination fupplies all the parts which are wanting or unfiniſhed, and each man fees the piece according to his own goût. We need not wonder, therefore, that the prefent piece fhould be fo very popular, as it is laid down upon the moſt liberal and comprehenfive fcale. Many, however, are of opinion, that a mixture of English oak, Scots fir, and Irish blackthorn, of different grains, texture, ftrength, and folidity, muft, in a little while, warp ; and that the whole piece, of neceffity , would become disjointed and out of proportion. No. 46. A Game of Cricket at Covent Garden. By Mr. Braham, and feveral other Artiſts. One of This is a lively and fpirited production. the parties is in the act of bowling himself out. No. 50. Cincinnatus taken from the Plough to command the Roman Army. By Marquis Cornwallis, R. A. The artift has chofen the moment when this great and good old man is receiving the invitation to ex change his native plains, to which he had retired full of years and glory, for the tented field, in which he had ſpent his prime of life . His back is turned to his home, to fhew that he obeys the fummons of his country, while a group of forrowful friends, and a tear trickling down his manly cheek, evince the greatneſs of the facrifice he has made to his duty. The figure of Cincinnatus is upright, but perfectly free from all ftiffness and conftraint, and there is a fine expreffion of dignified mildnefs in the countenance. In this, however, as in many other pieces of this year's exhi bition, PICTURE GALLERY. 167 bition, we obferve feveral defects in the fcenery. The country looks more like a fcene at Culford, in Suffolk, than a Roman villa. No. 51. A Catamaran. By Sir C. M. Pole, and four other Artiſts. Sulphurous and nitrous foam´ They found, they mingled, and with ſubtle art Concocted and aduſted they reduc'd To blackeſt grain.” 66 Milton's Paradiſe Loft, book vi. This deftructive engine is reprefented in the act of exploding and blowing up His Majefty's fhip Treaſurer, cloſe to whofe ftern it is placed. The crew appear to be all dead or Speechless ; for, though hailed, they return no anfiver. The captain, refigned to his fate, has withdrawn to his cabin, there to await the awful moment that is just arrived. Meanwhile the enemy's fhip Oppofition is diſcharging all her great guns into the Treafurer. The Catamaran reſembles a huge folio book, and is fomething like the Tenth Report ofthe Commiffioners of Naval Inquiry. From the fire and fmoke which it emits, the whole fcene appears as in a flame. -The combustibles with which it is charged are of the most deftructive nature. No. 54. The Fox and Bunch of Grapes. By the Hon. C. J. Fox, R. A. Zeuxis, we are told, painted fome grapes fo exqui fitely, that the birds came to peck at them, believing them to be real. We do not think any bird but a buzzard would be fo impofed upon by this work. The bunches hang like rouleaus of guineas, and have no thing of the natural purple hue. To heighten the effect , the Fox ſhould alſo be thin and lanky, as if in a ftarving condition, but here he is drawn fat and fleek. He is alfo of a black, inſtead of a reddiſh co lour, 2 168 PICTURE GALLERY! lour, and has much of the expreffion of Mr. Fox, railing againſt places and penfions, upon the motion of Mr. Whitbread to turn out Lord Melville. No. 55. Apelles in his Study. By R. A. Biſhopfgate Street. Rofs, This famous fculptor, furrounded by various beau tiful bufts, is exercifing his art upon a block which, under his plaftic hand, affumes the features of a beau tiful youth. Among the moſt remarkable pieces we obferve a Brutus, a Titus, and a Caracalla. The hair is moſt taſtefully executed, and of the most beautiful colours : the auburn, the chefnut, the flaxen, and the brown. The plaits and ringlets have no appearance of art ; they feem perfect nature. No. 61. The State Coach in a Rut. By Meffrs. Pitt and Co. R. A. One of the leaders has fallen down, and is almoft overwhelmed with mud. He appears to be a fine old animal, and to have done the ftate fome fervice. The populace, attracted by the accident, inftead of affifting him, are belabouring him without mercy, and ftriving to drag him ftill deeper into the mire. The coachman, who appears to be a very expert whip, has cut away the traces, and difengaged the other horfes of their dead companion ; but they evidently want ftrength to pull the coach. Four thoufand pounds a year are offered for a fubftitute, but no dealer will accept the terms. In the mean time, feveral outfide paffengers are complaining that it was all the coachman's fault, as he did not keep a tight rein over the leaders. Some of them are even attempting to drag him off the box, and to mount in his place ; but he fticks to his feat, and lays about him luftily with his whip. The coach is old- fashioned, but is ftrong built and roomy, and, confidering how long it has been run, is in good condition. No. PICTURE GALLERY. 169 No. 64. Portrait of M. Von Bumgarten, a Dutch Artift. By M. Buckingham, R. A. This artist was one of the most famous painters of his time. He executed his landfcapes with a great deal of care after the Dutch goût, fparing no pains in his views, which commonly reprefent places in the Exchequer, &c. where he had ftudied and accuſtomed himſelf to take in a large extent of hills and dif tance. His views of Stowe and of Wooton, in Bucks, are confidered moſt valuable pieces. His ftake in the country, it is thought, would fell for an enormous fum. The head of the artift is characteristic of his works. The colouring is rich, foft, and mellow, and the expreffion in harmony with rural life. The pro portions are alfo luxuriant, and in a fine flowing line, like the production of a rich and well- cultivated foil. No. 72. Lord Melville's Friends reading the Pe tition of the Lord Mayor and Livery of London to Parliament, upon the lote of the 8th ofApril. " Why, how now, gentlemen? What fee you in thofe papers, that you lofe So much complexion ? -Look ye how they change ; Their cheeks are paper. Why, what read you there, That hath fo cowarded and chas'd your blood Out of appearance ?” King Henry V. A&t ii . Scene 2. The figures which conftitute this group are thrown into a very awkward fituation. Some ofthe attitudes are indecent ; and the piece, upon the whole, is defti tute ofgrace, truth, and fpirit. Some, on the con trary, are of opinion that the figures hang well toge ther ; but it is difficult to decide who are right, as the work is feen in a very bad light. VOL. IX. I No. 170 PICTURE GALLERY. No. 82. Earl Percy. By C. Grey, R. A. " The flout Earl of Northumberland Avow to God did make, His pleaſure in the Scottifn woods Three fummer's days to take. " Chevy Chafe. The gallant Chief of Northumberland is mounted upon a fine Grey fteed. A Scottish archer, who had difcharged an arrow against his merry men all, lies dead at his feet. The arrow is feathered from a Grey goofe wing. No. 87. A Civic Feaft. By R. Waithman, R. A. This is a grand venifon-feaft in Guildhall . The Lord Mayor and Aldermen, in their robes, are ſeated at the end of the hall, the body of which is filled with the Livery. Two fine fat bucks, a prefent from the Commiffioners of Naval Inquiry, are roafted and ferved up in great ftyle upon the occafion . The com pany feem delighted with the entertainment, and are cutting away with an excellent appetite. There is a great deal offpirit in this picture, and a wonderful de gree of harmony in the colouring and expreffion. No. 89. Ofman deftroying a beautiful Impreffion of the Young Rofcius. By Mafter Betty, R. A. Acelebrated painter of antiquity had almoſt finiſhed a beautiful portrait, retired to bed, and was aftoniſhed to find his work, next morning, defaced and disfi gured. A mifchievous monkey, it feems, had got in at the window, and, taking up the brufh, bedaubed the picture all over. This ftory appears to have fug gefted the defign of this piece. The ſcene prefents a beautiful impreffion of the Young Rofcius, the joint production of Norval, Achmet, and Frederick, R. A.; and Ofman, in the act of deftroying all its character and feature. THE ( 171 ) THE DOCTOR. [From the Morning Chronicle.] SIR, THEHE retirement of the Doctor from practice is much to be deplored, but efpecially at this fickly feafon. How far he is to be blamed, however, I do not pretend to fay. There is certainly no compulfion on the ableft phyfician to continue practice one mo ment longer than he finds it convenient. But I hope I may be permitted to fay, that there is an apparent want of humanity in forfaking thoſe patients who were under his immediate care, and to whom he had be gun, however ineffectually, to preſcribe. They muſt now, if they can meet with another Doctor, expe rience all the inconveniencies of opening their cafe to a ftranger ; although I have heard it faid that fome of them complained of getting worfe and worſe under their old prefcriber. However this may be, your readers will perceive that the prefent is one ofthe moſt fickly ſeaſons ever known, when I enumerate the fol lowing diforders now prevailing among the Doctor's patients thefe are , General Debility-Weakness all over-conftant Reflefsnefs -Irregular Motions- Mif carriages-Bad Digeftion-Windy Swelling-Falling Sicknefs -Scurvy all over-Jaundice-Overflowing of the Bile-Mortifications- Malignant Fevers-Ob fructions in the noble parts -Ruptures-and fome other diforders, for which it is not eafy to find a name or a cure. How theſe unhappy people are now to be treated I know not ; but I am told fome of them increaſe the violence of their diforders by being refractory, re fufing advice, and taking every thing that is unfit for them ; and it is certain that many of them have brought on their complaints by affociating with illi I 2 terate 172 FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS REWARD. terate perfons, and following the preferiptions of quacks who are wholly ignorant of the Conftitution. I am, Sir, yours, July 12 . APUPIL. FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS REWARD. [From the Britiſh Preſs. ] WANTED a new report of a glorious victory by Lord Nelfon, over the Combined Fleets of France and Spain. It must be of an entirely new cut, pattern, and de fign ; or if old, and that it can be made to paſs as new, it will anſwer equally well.` The artift is to be furnished with the materials gra tis. He fhall have the winds to blow as he likes, and take as many French and Spaniſh fhips of the line as he pleafes, provided the fum total does not ex ceed 17. The long bow was formerly in great repute in land fervice. He may introduce it for the first time into an English fleet, fubject to the following con ditions : . The battle must not be fought in the Mediterra nean or in the Eaft Indies. Any fpot, however, be tween Cadiz, eaft, and the Cheſapeak, weft, Antigua, fouth, and Newfoundland, north, will do for the ſcene of action . Although thus limited, it is to be hoped the artist will have plenty of room. He may kill the French Admiral and the Spaniſh Admiral too, if he be fo inclined ; but on no account muft he touch a hair of Lord Nelfon's head. Any injury to his perſon would deftroy the plan, and con vert victory into defeat . A tradefman never ought to be above bringing home his own work. The artift will, therefore, be ex pected to find fome plaufible way of conveying the vic tory to London with expedition. He MY HOBBY. 173. He must alfo be provided with a letter of recom mendation, or at least an anonymous note to fome gen tleman of refpectability, who may good- naturedly pa tronife the work. The artist will not be required to take out a patent for his invention, nor is it neceffary that it ſhould hold together longer than from the opening to the fhutting of the Stock Exchange this day. Application to be made to A, B, C, gentlemen fwindlers, Bull and Bear Alley. July 13. EPIGRAM, WRITTEN UPON A REMARK, THAT LORDS SIDMOUTH AND BUCKINGHAMSHIRE SAT UPON STOOLS EQUI DISTANT FROM BOTH POLITICAL PARTIES, IN THE HOUSE OF LORDS. THE furprife that this new feat occafion'd the Lords, Impoffible well to defcribe is ; 'Tis prefum'd that your Lordships remember the words " In medio tutiffimus ibis." Yet another good proverb, well known to the ſchools, In antiquity's page may be found— That 't is dangerous, Sirs, to repofe on two flools, Left a certain part come to the ground. ARS MUSICA. MY HOBBY. [From the Morning Poft.] 66 EVERY MAN HAS HIS HOBBY." CHLOE, I love you, on my life ! Much more than Georgy loves his wife ; Much more than Pitt to keep his place, Or Alexander a dirty face ; Much more than Wilberforce toſpeak, Or Tierney from debate tofneak; 1 3 Much 174 REMARKABLE DEATH . Much more than Sherry loves to drink, Or Melville's Lord to touch the chink ; More than brave Nelfon loves to fight 'Gainft France and Spain, when they unite ; Much more than Perceval to prate, Or Windham loves a good bull-bait ; More than Charles Fox loves argumentation ; Or Charles Grey loves the State of Nation ; More than tall Sidmouth loves to preach, Or Whitbread traitors to impeach ; More than brave Craufurd loves to pout Offortification and redoubt ; Much more than Francis loves tofnore, And dream of crimes on India's fhore ; Than Lawrence loves his lungs' ftrong pow'rs, Or Suffolk his Martello tow'rs ; More than grave Eldon, man of law ! Loves in debate toſplit a firaw ! Than Grenville loves theforte note, Or Norfolk loves his old grey coat : In fhort, my dear, I love you more Than mortal ever lov'd before ; Or any of theſe heroes do Their fav'rite Hobbies to purfue. REMARKABLE DEATH. [From the British Prefs.] near DIEIED on Friday laft, at his apartments Weſtminſter Hall, Mr. Seffion, third fon of Mrs. Parliament, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland. For feveral years paft, the family of Mr. Seffion, like the Perfian kings, never made any foreign matrimonial alliances ; withing, no doubt, to keep their patrimony in their own hands. The in mediate predeceffor of the prefent Mrs. Parliament, however, having intrigued with an Iriſh neighbour, it was thought adviſable to make an honeft woman of the Lady, and a Union took place. The late Mr. Seffion, REMARKABLE DEATH. 175 Seffion, of course, was of the firft generation of thoſe who had any Irish blood in their veins, and he foon fhewed his breed . Upon his entrance into life, he gave promife of fome hard battles, and all the world. expected to hear foon of his threshing the Corfican prize- fighter to mummy. The Emperor of Ruffia having declined becoming his fecond, and the Em peror of Germany his bottle-holder, the expected fight did not take place, and the hope of it gradually died away. In this fituation, he turned his attention to his domeftic affairs, which were in many refpects much out of order. A French banditti had for fe veral months threatened to invade his premifes, and murder all his tenantry. This threat had hitherto produced nothing more than an appeal to the voluntary affiftance of his neighbours, and afterwards a diſtinct call uponthe parish, thereby making his fair eftate a parish charge. A Colonel, indeed, complained bit terly ofmifmanagement in this particular, as evidence of which, he inftanced the cafe of the care of the Houfe being given to a cook, inftead of a regular watchman. The Colonel, however, feems to forget, that Charles XII. of Sweden, that great warrior, knighted his cook, after the famous battle of Pul towa, and raifed him to high military honours ; and nothing is more common, than to find officers of the highest rank and dignity among Grooms of the Stole, and Grooms of the Bedchamber. Mr. Seffion was fhortly after feized with a religious fit, and all the world gave out, that he was going to turn Papift. There is not a doubt but that he was almoft half inclined to enter into communion with the Church of Rome ; and it was not until after two nights of anxious debate with himſelf, that he deter mined to renounce the Pope and all his works. An other circumftance which gave Mr. Seffion a great deal of trouble, and coft him many a night's rest, 1 4 was 176 REMARKABLE DEATH. was the mifconduct of a favourite Scotch fervant. This was a very ingenious man, of the name of Dun das, who uſed to amufe the family with fire-works, catamarans, and ftone expeditions. Mr. Seffion was informed that this man had lent out his mafter's mo ney to the parith clerk, for the purpofe of difcounting bills ; and even a fufpicion was entertained, that fome of it ftuck in his pocket. This difcovery gave him great uncafinefs ; and he ftruggled fo long, between re gard for the fervant, and a ſenſe of duty, that it was not until all the neighbours began to cry out fhame, that he confented to refign him to his fate, and fuffer the law to take its courfe. Mr. Seffion had a very bufy life while it lafted, but, like all other mortals, he brought into this world the caufes of his departure from it. From the very first hour of his existence he laboured under a flatulency, or windy diforder, of a very inveterate nature. It generally feized him every day, at four o'clock, juft after he had faid his prayers, according to his cuftom ; and it has been known to continue until one, two, and frequently three o'clock in the morning. Except a while at Whitfuntide and Eafter laft, we have fcarcely remembered him two fucceffive days without a return of this fhocking dif order. Befides this, he was alfo afflicted with a violent complaint in his bowels. Indeed, the whole family of the Seffions have been conftitutionally in clined to this difeafe ; but, in the cafe of the deceaſed, we are affured that it was much aggravated by the treatment of the Doctor. He is faid to have managed his patient unſkilfully, and not to have prepared him as he ought for his dofes. Some, indeed, go fo far as to affert a jealoufy between the attending phyſicians, and attribute to their oppofition to each other much of the irritation, reftleffnefs, and fever, in which he paffed his days. It is allowed, however, upon all hands, that neither of thefe complaints killed him. What REMARKABLE DEATH. 177 What is not a little extraordinary, although he had the command ofthe national purfe, he actually died for want of fuftenance. The old adage, " A wilful wafte makes a woful `want, " was never more forci bly illuftrated than by his example. He has been known to devour at a fitting as much as would ferve the parfon of the parish for his whole life. Indeed, the length and number of his bills fhew pretty clearly how he ſpent his time. Notwithstanding all this pro fufion, he became literally fo much reduced, that, upon a late confultation of the faculty upon the proper mode of treating the Scotch fervant to whom we have alluded, he actually ate his own words. There was not a fingle article upon his table the day he died ; his body, which uſed to be fo full, was empty ; and his members, upon whofe manly and ro buft make he uſed to plume himſelf, had almoſt dwindled away. He was reduced " Into the lean and flipper'd pantaloon Sans teeth, fans eyes, fans tafie, fans ev'ry thing. " The life of Mr. Seffion, although not diftinguifhed by any brilliant achievements, was eminently ufeful to the country. He provided amply for the army and the navy, without fubjecting himſelf to the fufpicion of prodigality, except in the inftance of a Noble Duke, to whom he granted a douceur, in confidera tion of an advantageous purchafe from his Grace of the Iſle of Man, made by one of Mr. Seffion's ancef tors. Indeed, the family have, fromtime immemo rial, plumed themfelves upon the prudent and econo mical ufe of the public money, over which they have frequently boafted that they kept a tight hand. They have been alfo remarkable for their eloquence ; a qua lity in which the late Mr. Seffion did not yield to the moft celebrated of his family. His fpeeches upon the war with Spain, upon the military Defence of the 1 5 Country, 178 THEATRE ROYAL, ST. STEPHEN'S. Country, upon the repeal of Mr. Pitt's Defence Bill, upon the Abolition of the Slave Trade, upon the Tenth Report, upon the State of the Nation, but, above all, upon the Catholic Queftion, will go down to pofterity with thofe of Cicero and Demofthenes. No act of his life, however, redounds fo much to his. honour, as the facrifice of his feelings to his duty in the cafe of the fervant whofe mifconduct we have noticed. The whole family of the Seffions have been charged by their enemies as fervile, venal, and cor rupt. The late Mr. Seffion proved upon that occa fion, that the charge is a foul calumny, and that his bofom glowed with all the force and fire offtoic virtue. That one act would be ſufficient to tranſmit his name with honour, gratitude, and reſpect, to the lateft pof terity. The death of Mr. Seffion had been expected for feveral days. It took place, as we have ftated, on Friday, and he was buried upon the fame day. Few of his anceſtors have been configned to the grave with fo little pomp and folemnity. In moft cafes of a demife in the family, even Majefty itſelf has con defcended to perform the funeral fervice in perſon ; but, upon the late occafion, the Lord Chancellor acted both as Clerk and Parfon, read the funeral prayer, and faid Amen. Our readers will be fur prifed to hear that this fame Mr. Seffion, fo wife, fo active, and fo eloquent, was not feven months old, being born in January laft ; that though fo young, he could fpeak fo well, and had fpirit enough to give his tutor, Mr. Pitt, more than once a flap in the face. July 16. THEATRE ROYAL, ST. STEPHEN'S. [ From the Morning Chronicle.] THIS theatre clofed for the feafon yeſterday ſe'n night. Its fuccefs has been very various. The Manager, we believe, may have got as much money as 4 in THEATRE ROYAL, ST. STEPHen's. 17. in any former feafon, but has certainly made no very important additions to the fame of his theatre. To do himjuftice, however, he has been fadly perplexed by difputes among the performers, who, although of a very indifferent defcription, give themſelves all the airs of first-rate actors ; and, although he has repeat edly gratified fome of them, by bringing them for ward in characters for which they were totally unfit, and has advanced the falaries of others, yet he was not able, almoſt in the whole courfe of the feaſon, to produce any new piece that gave fatisfaction to the town. Towards the clofe of the feafon he had the ad ditional mortification of lofing fome of his company, particularly Mr. Sidmouth, who threw up his part, without any regular notice, one morning as he was coming from a private rehearfal. This gentleman, very rigid critics think, is no great lofs to the ftage ; while others are of opinion, that in certain inferior parts, that do not require much action, he went through them very decently. At all events, his leaving the Manager fo abruptly, who had been the making of him (as he was originally only the prompter's call boy), has not prejudiced his friends in favour of his gratitude. The others who left the theatre at the fame time may be more eaſily ſpared : they ferved only to fwell a proceffion, but feldom had a part of any length ; and we believe few of our readers can even re member to have ſeen their names in the bills. The lofs of that able and verfatile performer, Mr. Melville, was much more feverely felt by the Ma nager, and occurring at a time when the town was full, and the theatre kept open every night, muſt have increafed his perplexities not a little. The caufe of Mr. Melville's being laid upon the fhelf is, however, too recent to require a particular detail. For our own parts, we never entertained the high opinion fome have formed of his talents. His readiness to accept of I 6 any 180 THEATRE ROYAL, ST. STEPHen's. any part, no doubt, may often fuit the Manager of a poor company ; but there was nothing in his deport ment either graceful or dignified ; and his elocution was certainly not much admired, except, perhaps, in Sir Pertinax M'Sycophant, and characters of that caſt, where he feemed to be at home. His by-play too was excellent, but even of that the town began to be tired. During the fummer, the Manager intends to look about for acceffions to his company : where he will get them we know not, nor have we much opinion of him as a recruiting officer. All the best performers, we know, are otherwiſe engaged, and will not enter his company at the risk of cancelling their old articles. It is faid, he means to ftudy himſelf in a greater va riety of parts, and, it is certain , that he can get up a part with lefs preparatory ſtudy than any of his pre deceffors. Whether a Chancellor be wanted, or a Firft or Second Lord, a Treafurer, a Paymafter, a Commiffioner, or a Prefident, it is wonderful with what facility he can go through the character ; and he has this fingular property, that, as he defpifes the difap probation of the audience, he always appears with the most perfect command of feature and action. Of his prefent company we can fay little that is favour able. Now and then the part of an Old Woman is refpectably performed ; and fometimes we have an Irish character reprefented in the true fpirit of blunder ; but, amidst all this patching and piecing, we fee no thing like the regular drama, and no performers in the pay of the Manager, like thofe who in former days, not only delighted the town, but were the ad miration offoreigners, who now have quite deferted this theatre. Wecannot, however, conclude this article, without congratulating the Manager on his very recent attempt to get through a new piece, without the aid of any eminent talents. We allude to the Ile of Man, a new MORE THEATRICALS. 181 new petite drama, altered from a piece brought out about forty years ago, and which has fince been often attempted, and as often d-d. Yet our fpirited Ma nager revived it again, and made it go through its nights, although it was cenfured by every good Judge in the Houſe. July 20. MORE THEATRICALS. [From the fame. ] MR. Pitt has certainly lefs difficulty in filling up the dram. pers. in his Company, than any other Manager we have ever known or heard of. Even in the corps of a country barn, a player will remonftrate with a Manager, and decline to accept a part for which he don't feel himſelf fit . But Mr. Pitt meets with no reluctance whatever on the part of his per formers. He can get Lord Mulgrave to undertake the part of Secretary for Foreign Affairs, and Lord Caftlereagh that of Secretary for the War Depart ment, without a moment's hefitation on their part, to confider either their own fitnefs, or the intereft of thofe for whofe lenefits they are to perform. Whether this obfequioufnefs betrays a zeal to put themſelves forward, or to comply with the wishes of the Ma nager, is hard to determine : but certain it is, that their acting, and that of others alfo of the fame de fcription, juftifies the application of the charge which cenfors of Mr. Garrick were too fond unjustly to apply to that eminent actor, that " provided the prin cipal part be affigned to himfelf, he is indifferent how all the other parts of the piece may be filled . ” One may fay, however, that Mr. Pitt appears to have pe culiarly pliant materials to work upon. How happy would it be for Kemble and Wroughton to have fuch " manageable companies! " MASQUERADE ( 182 ) MASQUERADE EXTRAORDINARY. [From the Oracle. ] AFEWdays back we gave a correct account of an elegant mafqued ball, which we mentioned as furpaffing most others that we had witneffed, for agree able diverfity and focial conviviality. We are now happy to prefent our readers with a genuine defcrip tion of a Political Mafquerade, which, though cer tainly productive of lefs harmony than the former, greatly exceeded it in point of eccentricity of cha racter ; among the moft ftriking of which we no ticed the following·:--- Mr. Pitt, as the Genius of England, fupported by Commerce and Neptune, which characters were ex cellently perfonified by Lords Caftlereagh and Mel ville. This group was defperately attacked by a party of Milton's fallen Angels, led on by their " dread Commander," Satan, admirably repreſented by Mr. Fox-who " Above the reſt, InShape and gefture proudly eminent, Stood like a tow'r,”—&c. Milton, b. i . v. 589. On his right hand appeared Moloch, the Demon of Revenge and Perfecution. This part was fupported with confiderable effect by Mr. Whitbread—whofe " Look denounc'd Defp'rate revenge and battle dangerous To lefs than gods. " Milton, b. ii. v. 106. Mr. Grey, as Belial, was on his other fide " In act more graceful and humane ; he feem'd For dignity compos'd and high exploit. But all was falfe and hollow, though his tongue Dropt manna, and could make the worfe appear The better reafon, to perplex and daſh Matureft counfels; for his thoughts were low." Milton, b. ii. v. 109. Mr. MASQUERADE EXTRAORDINARY. 183 Mr. Sheridan was very happy in Beelzebub, and Mr. Tierney refpectable in Dagon " Sea-monſter ! upward man, And downward fiſh." Milton, b. i. v. 462. Lords Holland and H. Petty, with Meffrs. Kin naird, Creevey, &c. &c. &c. were inferior Devils. The Genius of England and his fupporters withftood their united force for a long time, and Satan and his hoft were thrice repulfed ; at length " Moloch, hor rid fiend !" feized with devilish fury upon Neptune, and dragged him to the ground. At this " the Hellish hoft fhouted aloud," not doubting but the Genius of England, having loft one of his fupporters, would fall with him ; in this, however, they were greatly difappointed ; for the Genii of Policy, Integrity, and Independence, perfonated by Lord Hawkeſbury, Mr. Canning, and Mr. W. Dundas, rufhed to his af fiftance, and, after a fevere conflict , compelled the Legion of Devils to quit the field - Exhaufted, fpiritlefs, afflicted, fall'n. ” Milton, b. vi. v. 852. Lord Sidmouth created much merriment as a Doctor out of practice ; he appeared very anxious to feel the pulfes of different parties ; but although he found most of them very much difordered, he could prevail on no one to take his advice. Some one ob ferved, he was too much in the habit of prefcribing palliatives, when the Conftitution required reſtoratives. Mr. J. H. Addington, as his apothecary, was ex tremely dull, in confequence of the Doctor's ill fuc cefs ; and Mr. Vanfittart, as his Jack Pudding, was obliged to confefs, that both the Doctor and the Apo thecary were become mere drugs. Mr. Windham was an excellent Butcher, attended by his bull-dog ; and Sir John Newport, as Paddy O'Rafferty, 66 184 POLITICAL RACES. O'Rafferty, was very folicitous to ſupply him with bulls to bait. Upon which Mr. Wilberforce, as a Methodist Preacher, exclaimed bitterly againſt the in humanity of perfecuting animals ; but a Highlander farcaftically obferving, that his Reverence thought otherwife when he vouchfafed to follow the Political Bloodhounds that recently worried a noble country man of his, he confeffed that was a bait which he could not refift, but added, that his confcience had forely goaded him ever fince. Mr. Peter Moore was perfectly at home, as a Bear ; and it was obferved that he walked admirably on all-fours ; which a wag ac counted for by remarking, that it was much eaſier for a man who defended Sir Francis Burdett's conduct to go on all-fours than to keep upright. Mr. Moore imitated Bruin's voice and geftures to a micety ; in fhort, he was one of the completeft bears we ever be held ! July 26. POLITICAL RACES. [From the fame. ] SIR, SOME weeks back I was greatly entertained by your lift of horfes, entered to run for the grand Poli tical Sweepstakes over St. Stephen's Courfe, and pro mifed myſelf much further amuſement from your in tended account of the race ; but it never appeared. I confefs I felt great difappointment on the occafion, and was for a confiderable time at a lofs how to ac count for it, attributing it to various caufes, all of which I now find were erroneous ; however, methinks I have atlength difcovered the true one, in the follow ing fingular manner : -One day laft week a friend ac cidentally mentioned, that a certain dealer in hacks, whofe repofitory ſeldom boaſted of any thing fresh , had POLITICAL RACES. 185 had very unexpectedly exhibited an extraordinaryftud, and was in the habit of giving fome of them a run almost daily, that the public might have an opportu nity of beholding their powers, which he flattered himfelf were prodigious. I immediately inquired where I might fee theſe wonderful cattle. He directed me to The Poft where they were ſtarted , and told me I fhould moft probably find ſome of them there the fol lowing morning, which proved to be the fact. But what was my furprife, when, upon clofe examination , I found many of them to be theidentical horfes you had mentioned, and for the account of whofe performances I had fo anxiously fearched the columns of your Paper. But, alas ! how changed did they now ap pear ! They abfolutely feemed to have beenstolen and disfigured, to prevent difcovery. Inftead of poffeffing that fire and mettle which you defcribed, I beheld them reduced, by the ignorance of their new groom or mafter, to the most deplorable and wretched condition, moft of them remarkably lame, and all of them ex tremely dull. Old Patriot (whom the prefentfurrep titious owner had the effrontery to ftart in the very name by which he was called in your Sporting Lift) was degenerated into a mere fug; though you de fcribed him as being gifted with great ſpeed. When I contemplate the prefent degraded ftate of this once celebrated animal, I am ever reminded of the beautiful and pathetic ballad of the High- mettled Racer; for he has already experienced moft of the vi ciffitudes mentioned therein : foon after he was broken in, he started for and won a King's Plate ; but being fhortly afterwards turned out ofthe Royal Stud, he was hunted for a long time by the prefent Minifter, who worked him fo unmercifully, that he was obliged to go to grafs for a whole feafon ; he, however, returned confiderably refreſhed, and has fince diftinguiſhed him felf in many fevere races ; he is now become a Poft hack, 186 THE PATRIOT. hack, and will, I doubt not, ere long become a prey to the pack. But to return, I affure you, Mr. Edi tor, I confider the robbery of your ftud as a public lofs ; for, with yourfupport, training, and manage ment, the Spirit of thefe renowned courfers might have been long preferved, and their pedigrees and per formances handed down to the latest pofterity in your political Sporting Calendar. As the beft means of recovering the unfortunate beafts from the ill effects refulting from the mifmanagement of ignorant grooms, I would recommend, that they fhould not again be brought to The Poft, in fuch condition, but be fuf fered to be at large in the Commons of Great Britain. A groom obferved, that one of thefe nags had a ftrong antipathy to a halter :-by way of a concluding hint, it may not be amifs to apprife him, that a halter frequently proves fatal, both to horfes and horfe Stealers, being very apt to bring on a difeafe called the firangles ! I am, Sir, Your obedient fervant, ATRAINING GROOM. Newmarket, July 20, 1805. THE PATRIOT. [From the fame. ] THEHERE once was a Patriot in Catholic days, Like Job, that efchewed all evil ; Still on his long fpeeches the patient may gaze With applaufe and amazement ; but chiefly his praiſe Was in painting the Miniſter black as the Devil. Long time he had prated, and thought himſelf wife, Till the hair on his fconce was turn'd gray ; Still thought himſelf great in the multitude's eyes, So noble, fo candid, he feem'd to defpife The fight of the Treaſury key. When THE PATRIOT. 187 M When changes arriv'd, he ventur'd to think He might, blufhing with modefty, flip In fome fnug little box, where in every chink He could hear with delight the poffibles clink, Or modeftly ſteer the State fhip. For many long years had he hoped in vain, Tho' grown old in watching, yet thought himſelf fit, Iffome lucky change fhould happen again, To wield the State trident with ecſtatic pain, And fhew himſelf deep as a Pitt. What folks think on by day, they oft dream on at night, And in fancy are great as the Premier ; País a few moments with trueſt delight, And an age feems to pass their enraptured fight, And their name made immortal for ever. How fimple is age, when mortals grow old ! He dream'd (fure Old Nick him poffefs'd), That all on a fudden a fhower of gold Came rattling all round, like hail as I'm told, With places and penfions poffefs'd. His joy was fo great, he grew younger again Lord! the like before never appear'd ; He rais'd from the duft, he created amain Lords, Squires, and the reft ; and the trifles call'd gain He modeftly put in his pocket. Such ſmall little matters, ' t is ftrange folks fhould rage, Such nonfenfe as parings to gain ; { But, lo! fo it is -and the dream was fo pleafing, His pow'r was fo great, and the gains were fo teafing, It 'look'd- yea, it was quite an age. Thus Momus, good fellow, had pitied his cafe, And gave, in one night, what we hope he ' ll have never, If, like old Methus'lem, he lives till his face Grows as long and as thin as his grandmother's lace, And he prates againſt Minifters ever. Yea 188 EXAMINATION OF A Yea more, the good God fo deceived his fancy, He faw years roll fleeting away! Bleft his ftars, and was happy, but alack-a- day, Aplace was to let-he felt out for his pay ; In raifing his hand, the rafcally motion Awak'd hin-he ſtarts ! rubs his eyes in emotion, While the Viſion ran laughing away. July 30th. EXAMINATION OF A GREAT MAN'S COOK-MAID. [From the fame.] MR. EDITOR, BEFORE I proceed further, I muft inform you, that I am an honeft body, born of honeft parents, who, feeing I was a girl of fine parts, had me inftructed in the arts of reading and writing ; but thefe accomplish ments were not of much ufe to me ; for being, from my infancy, extremely fond of dreffing, I went as kitchen-maid to a neighbouring gentleman, under a man- cook, who was mighty civil to me, and finiſhed me in the culinary way. Indeed, Sir, I cannot even now think of Monfeer Ragout without my blood boiling in my body like broth in a porridge-pot ; for, notwithſtanding all his attentions, he in a very fhort time forfook me for Molly Mangle, the laundry- maid, who washed out all his affection for me, wrung a promife of marriage from him, folded him in her arms, and left me completely in thefuds. I was de termined to remain no longer under the fame roof with this mock-turtle, and therefore hired myfelf as cook to a Scotch Nobleman, whofe enemies you, Sir, have been long in the habit of roafting ; and, I affure you, no cook ever fpitted a firloin for a better maſter. Now you are apprifed who I am, permit me to relate how GREAT MAN'S COOK- MAID. 189 how ungenteelly I have been treated by a parcel of fellows, who, taking advantage of my Lord's being from home, came to our houſe, and knocked a little fneaking double knock at the door ; upon my opening it, they aſked me if I were the cook ? and being an fwered that I was, they faid it was their wish to have a little private converfation with me. As there were fome decent- looking bodies among them, I invited them into the kitchen, whither we all fojourned, and after feating ourſelves round the kitchen fire, a talliſh homely-looking man, who I have fince learnt was a brewer, though, for my part, I took him for a dray man, told me they came for the purpoſe of examining me "Marry come up!" faid I , -"what ! are youJuf tices of the Peace or furgeons ? whichever you be, I affure you, I am healthy both in foul and body, and therefore you need not take the trouble to examine any thing about me."-" You do not underſtand our meaning," replied a talkative infignificant Scotchman, whom I recollected to have feen at my Lord's houfe in Scotland, -where, by the by, he was treated bet ter than he deſerved ; -" we do not want to difcover your fecrets, but your master's. "-" And what have I to do with my mafter's fecrets ?" cried I ; " do you think he intrufts them to me ? and if he did, I would fee you all made mince-meat of before I would betray him as you wish to do ! What!" continued I, " you think, by putting me in a fiew, to make me fay fomething that will get my Lord into more broils ; but I can smoke your intentions, fo don't you think to gammon me, for I wou'dn't let out a fyllable if you were to down on your marrow- bones." Now, Mr. Editor, this fpeech of mine, which you muſt allow was well feafoned, difconcerted them vaftly ; for they were afraid, as I had cut them up fo dexterously, that they would be completely dish'd ; however, after laying their 190 EXAMINATION, &c. their calves heads together for fome time, they aſked if a perſon of the name of T- r was not frequently in the habit of dining with my mafter ?-if I never faw his name written on any pieces of wafte paper which he might have given me for the purpoſe of fingeingpoultry ? and a great many other queſtions of equal importance, all of which I declined anſwer ing ; for I clearly perceived that they only wanted me to affift them in Spitting their malice, and I was determined not to be hauled over the coals by them. Finding I was no fieve, but as clofe as a dumpling, they began to fearch every corner of the kitchen, and one of them difcovering a piece of paper in the focket of a braſs candleſtick which had been twiſted round the candle for the purpofe of keeping it fteady, he took it down and opened it with the greateft eagerness. Now it happened to be part of a letter from my uncle, Farmer Fallowfield, mentioning the death of a favourite horſe, and lamenting his having loft fo ex cellent a Trotter ; and the former part of the fen tence being torn off, they mistook it for a document of the greatest confequence, and it was immediately, with a ftrict charge to keep it fafe, delivered to the young Scotchman before mentioned, who, I hear, is the drudger of the party. They then expreffed a wifh to examine the butler as to the quantity of wine which had been drunk in the family for the laſt feventeen or eighteen years ; but he being from home, they proceeded to a fmall building in the garden, which was frequently made the receptacle of wafte paper ; but, after the moſt diligent fearch, they difcovered nothing of any value, and they re tired from the dirty business with unfpeakable difap pointment. Now, Mr. Editor, I hope you will not let fuch de fpicable conduct pafs unnoticed, and (fince I have other . QUEER EVIDENCE. 191 other fish tofry) expect that you will give theſe gen tlemen a good dreffing. I am, Sir, Your obedient fervant, July 31ft. DOROTHY DRIPPING. P. S. Since writing the above, I learn they have been tampering with Sally Scrubwell, Mr. T's houfe-maid. QUEER EVIDENCE. [From the fame. ] THE EXAMINATION OF SARAH SCRUBWELL, BY MESSRS. MALTSQUEEZER AND Co. N. B. This Lady is Houſe and Laundry Maid to a perſon whom every body knows to a T. SOME little time back the above lady underwent a long examination, ofwhich we believe the follow ing to be the purport :— Q. In what capacity do you live with your mafter ? Sarah. An't pleaſe your honour, I'ſe houſe and laundry maid. Q. How long have you been fo? Sarah. Ever fince I's com❜d into the houſe. Q. And are you fure you never ſerved your mafter in any other capacity ? Sarah. Lord, Sir, how can you afk a poor body fuch queſtions ? Q. Come, come, no prevarication. We know the whole of the matter, and a great deal more. Sarah. Then there's no cafion for I to tell ye any more; fo get along about your buſineſs. 2. Young woman, do you know whom you are infulting? We have authority to examine whom foever we chooſe, and d-me if your miftrefs's lap dog 192 QUEER EVIDENCE. dog fhould efcape, if he were capable of anſwering interrogatories. We must have the truth out of you. Sarah. An you only wants the truth, I has no ob jection to tell that-but I thought that would n'tferve your purpofes. I was afeard you wanted me to create a little or fo Q. Pray can you inform us who has been in the habit of dining with your maſter for this year or two paſt ? Sarah. Oh yes, Sir, I can. Q. Who? Sarah. My miftrefs. Q. Pfhaw ! did you ever fee dinner ? here at Sarah. It b'ant my place to wait at table, but I does recollect feeing his Lordfhip once or twice. Q. And do you know what he came for ? Sarah. I can't fay exact, but I think I can guefs. Q. Don't be afraid, fpeak out, let us know what you think to be the caufe of his coming. Sarah. Why, I does really imagine, that he could come for no earthly purpofe but to eat. Q. Foolish wench ! Did you ever overhear any criminal converfation he had with your mafter ? Sarah. No ; nor with miſtreſs neither, < my Lord Q. (by Arch. Hum.) My dear, you appear to have your anfwers fo ready, that I fufpect your mafter has been tampering with you in private ? Has he not been givingfome refreshment ? Sarah. I never was private with master in all my life. I never got any refreshment from him. I de clare I never feed fuch gentlemen as you be to attempt to mangle a poor girl's character fo ! (Crying) -You call yourfelves Noblemen and Gentlemen-I believe you be neither- (Whimpering.) Q. Wedo not wish to injure either your character or SEARCH AFTER EVIDENCE. 193 or your mafter's, for that could be of no fervice to us; but if you can give us fuch information as will tend to criminate the before- mentioned Lord you fhall have a handfome reward. Sarah. I axes your pardon there, Sir. Whatever you might give me for doing fuch a dirty trick, it cou'd never be a handfome reward. I now fees what ye all be : ye be poor wretches out ofplace, who wou'd ruin any body's character, that you might get into theirs ; but for my part, I hopes you will never get into farvice. There's that little prating Scotchman there ought to be afhamed of himfelf, that ' s what he ought, after eating and drinking at my Lord —'s table fo long, to behave fo ungratefully, and wiſh to feduce poorfarvants to be as mean as he is. I has heard how he went to Mr. Cellaret, my Lord's But ler, to inquire how much hock was drunk-if my maſter didn't come there in difguife-and great many morefuch-likefilthy queſtions ; but Mr. Cellaret wou'd fcorn to peach fuch a good mafter, and fo wou'd you too, if you valued any body's intereft but your own. When Mrs. Scrubwell had concluded this fpeech, the young Scotchman alluded to, finding the rubbed him rather too hard, expreffed his opinion that it was no uſe to wafte their time any longer with fuch an ignorant huffey ; to which all affenting, they ad journed ; but whether to examine the fcullion, or fome other perfon of equal importance, we have not yet learnt. [Aug. 2d. SEARCH AFTER EVIDENCE. [From the fame. ] SOME mornings paft the fportive Mufe, On the look- out, to pick and chooſe Afubject worthy of her fong, Unheeding where fhe ftray'd along, VOL. IX . K Pafs'd 194 SEARCH AFTER EVIDENCE. Pafs'd by a Noble Viſcount's door, Whofe fate fhe ever must deplore ; And ſtopping to emit a figh, Or wipe a tear from either eye, Beheld a fquad of nine or ten Sufpicious, queer, ill -looking men, Approach, in earnest converfation About the Viſcount and the nation. As they came nearer to her view, Sufpecting very much the knew Some who compos'd the motley group, Invifibly the join'd their troop, And foon diſcover'd by the ſtains Of malt- duft, fweet-wort, beer, and grains Upon their leader's coat, that he Was who fhe thought him firſt to be. Now, as fhe clearly understood Thefe fellows meant my Lord no good, She vow'd ſhe'd watch them like a cat, To find out what they would be at : Therefore, when they approach'd the door, She, unperceiv'd, whiſk'd in before, And hid herſelf behind a ſcreen Whence all that pafs'd was heard and feen. Nofooner hadthey gain'd the hall Than one (the chief) began to call, " The butler-Cellaret ! "-He came " Pray, Sir, is Cellaret your name ?" " It is, Sir-What 's your bus'nefs, pray? My Lord is not at home to-day. " " Wedo not want your maſter, friend ; 'Tis you on whom we now attend : You are the butler, are you not ?" " That, Sir, at prefent is my lot ; But why I'm honour'd with this viſit I know not ; pray for what caufe is it?" " Have patience ! and you foon fhall know You keep the keys of all below ; And therefore can give information 'That's of vaft import to the nation. - We SEARCH AFTER EVIDENCE. 195 We wish to know his Lordship's ftock Of burgundy, champaign, and heck ; How much madeira, or old fherry, It takes to make his Lordſhip merry. In short, you muſt on oath declare, And give us all a ſtatement fair Of ev'ry quart or larger bottle That has gone down your maſter's throttle For theſe laſt three years paft-and you, Upon like oath, muſt tell us, too, What friends partook your maſter's treats, Imbib'd his wines, devour'd his meats, In England here, and in the North, Who Thar'd his haggis and his broth !" " Hold !" cried the Butler, " not ſo faſt ; I fha'n't know what you afk'd me laſt. Zounds ! I fuppofe-becauſe you know I guard the doors of realms below You think, like hell's three- headed beaſt, I've half a dozen ears at leaſt ; Whereas, upon my word ' t is true, That I'm poffeft of only two ! 'T is likewife clear to all beholders I've but one head upon my ſhoulders. And 'pon my foul ! that head contains Rather too large a ſtock of brains, To make room for one half that you Suppoſe it capable to do ! Joking apart-pray, Sirs, inform me By what authority you ftorm me ? Are you informers, fent as ſpies ? Or officers ofthe Excife ? Whiche'er you be, it matters not How much my Lord has had or got, Or who partakes his Lordship's dinners, Since they're nor publicans nor finners. Alas ! there are too many who Have drunk with him- and eaten too Yet bafely triumph in his fall, And feek his ruin, after all ! K 2 But 196 MORE OF THE ADDINGTON PARTY. • But hold ! methinks Iſmell a rat— 'Tis this, I doubt, you ' d all be at ; Therefore my worthy Sirs, adieu ! Your looks prove my fufpicions true !" Thus having faid, the doughty wight Rufh'd, fwift as lightning, from their fight ! And all the threats, and all the pains Ofd, mighty man ofgrains, Could not perfuade him to ſay more, Or make them wifer than before ; Theytherefore fagely turn'd about, And, as they enter'd, bundled out. Aug. 9th. QIN THE CORNER. MORE OF THE ADDINGTON PARTY. THE SHADOWS VANISHED ! [From the fame. ] -Nox urget, fabulæque manes ! FROM the declamations of a certain weekly writer, in conjunction with a daily paper, which has certainly much credit in its ally, fome people were led to expect that the feceffion of Lord Sidmouth, and of his half dozen of friends, would certainly bring down on the Adminiftration fome terrible difafter, little fhort of total ruin and difmay. Some time, however, has already elapfed fince this awful event, and yet no prodigy has as yet taken place in confequence ! -Our commerce flourishes-our fleets continue to command the feas -our allies on the Continent begin to take courage from our example-and our countrymen con tinue to repofe confidence in the efforts of a Minifter in whom long experience has taught them to confide. The Atlas, on whofe fhoulders we were taught to be lieve the world refted, has difappeared like a fhadow, andfunk into his native infignificance ; and thoſe whom he was fuppofed to prop, feem no more in want of his MORE OF THE ADDINGTON PARTY. 197 his fupport to bear them up, than the eagle which foars aloft towards the ſun ſtands in need of the feathers he had moulted off a twelvemonth before. It feems indeed furprifing, that any perfon could for a moment fuppofe, that the adminiftration of Mr. Pitt could be in any degree weakened by the lofs ofMr. Addington ! Has the nation forgot the opinion entertained of the former adminiftration of Mr. Pitt ? Has it forgot, that, amidst all the hurricanes which rent Europe to its foundation, he and his friends. ftood like a rock amidſt the ſtorm , were confided in and admired while they remained in power, and la mented when they retired ? The fpirits of the nation feemed to fink when Mr. Pitt retired from office, as if the protecting arm of its guardian angel had been withdrawn. How different were the fentiments of the public, either when Mr. Addington (now Lord Sidmouth) was in office, or when he retired ! Who can have forgot the cries of feebleness , incapacity, ignorance, and want of confidence, which were ut tered on every fide ? It was, indeed, faid, that the nation, in its diftrefs, had got a Doctor ; but fuch a Doctor ! a quack, who did not underſtand the com pofition of his own pills. He was, indeed, accounted in fome degree honeft, for his debility feemed to in dicate that he had been trying his noftrums on him felf before he offered them to the nation . When he retired from office, what was the general fentiment ? Was it dread and confternation at having loft this mighty prop of the country ? Or was it not rather joy and exultation at the proſpect of having feebleneſs and inefficiency replaced with approved talents and well- known vigour ? The nation feemed again to rouſe itſelf like a lion , after having, like Ifachar, re fembled an afs crouching under its burdens. Let us turn our eyes to that period when Lord Sid mouth returned to office. What was the general K 3 feeling 4. 198 MORE OF THE ADDINGTON PARTY. feeling on this occafion ? Did any one fuppofe that the adminiſtration of Mr. Pitt had by thefe means actually received any acceffion of ftrength ? Was there a fingle man in the nation that faid " Now we are fecure, now things will profper, fince Mr. Addington (now Lord Sidmouth) has returned to power ?"-Far otherwife were the fentiments of the people. They feemed to think, that Mr. Pitt had made too great a facrifice to ancient friendſhip in again receiving their Mr. Addington (now Lord Sidmouth) into his favour. They feemed to think, that this acceffion would only operate as a drag upon the wheels of his adminiſtration, and prevent his meafures from proceeding with the fame freedom, vigour, and velocity. What then is, or what poffibly could be, the con fequence of Lord Sidmouth's feceffion from the ad miniftration ? He could not carry any of its ftrength along with him, when every one was confcious that he could impart nothing but weaknefs while he re mained. The removal of the drag can only have one effect, to allow the wheels of Government a more free and unembarraffed motion. The only perfon who has caufe to regret the fecef fion of Lord Sidmouth is poor Lord Sidmouth him felf ! Although the blame lies with himfelf, we cannot help pitying the fate to which he has brought him felf. Some fycophants, who no doubt expected not to be lofers by their adulation, made it their buſineſs to perfuade the poor Doctor that he was actually a great ftatefman ; that he was revered by the nation ; that all eyes were turned to him ; and that Mr. Pitt could not poffibly do without him !!! Puffed up with theſe fine fpeeches, to which he no doubt found very corre fponding fentiments in his own breaft, he actually began to imagine that his talents, his reputation, his virtues, entitled him to act a great part. In an evil hour he ventured to quit the protection of that ſtateſ man MORE OF THE ADDINGTON PARTY. 199 man whoſe friendſhip firſt brought him into notice, and whofe fupport could alone prevent him from finking into his native infignificance. His power was at beft but a fhadow, and now it is wholly va nifhed ! It will be curious to obferve what courfe will now be pursued by Lord Sidmouth and his partizans ! Shall we fuppofe that they will unite with that med ley of outs, the old Oppofition ? Perhaps a witty Se nator, having found the fitting parts of an adminif tration wholly difengaged, may imagine that he will now be able to form an adminiſtration on a broad bot tom. It may, however, be a queftion whether all his fkill will be fufficient to cement the fuperftructure with the fitting parts in fuch a manner as that they will not fall afunder without any Hercules to pull them . It ſeems indeed a queſtion, whether it would be poffible to find out fuch parts as could at all com poſe an uniform figure. At any rate we may venture to affure Mr. Sheridan, that if the head he procures be of the fame materials with the fitting parts, it will be of very different materials from the head of the figure in the vifion . It will be any metal rather than gold. We fhould not, however, wonder, if, in defiance of all probability, fome friendly coquetting fhould take place between thefe very principled perfons . A weekly writer, to whom Mr. Windham thought a ftatue of gold -we fuppofe he meant brafs-fhould be erected, has already begun to lick the hand of the Earl of St. Vincent, which had juft been heartily employed in thrashing him. He feems of late to have fhewn a difpofition to perform a fimilar office to the fitting parts. We fhould not wonder if this were a prelude to a fraternal hug between his fuperior and ' the new friends. If fuch events fhould take place, we ſhall probably be amufed with a very curious fraternity, K 4 clubbed 200 MORE OF THE ADDINGTON PARTY. clubbed together in a coalition. Their union will certainly deferve to be confidered as carrying within it abundant evidence of its members being pof feffed of the Chriftian virtues of charity and forgive nefs ; as the heads of the coalition will be compofed of perfons who have been in the conftant habit of faluting each other with the unbrotherly epithets of " feditious," " factious," " traitorous,'"" inca pable," &c. &c. In the confultations of fuch an affociation there is, however, one comfortable confi deration, that a little heat, and a little foul language, can occafion no rupture. They have been too much in the habit of calling each other fuch names, to mind a hafty fool or villain. We have of late heard feveral difputes what this formidable party of the newestoppofition is to be called while it continues to exift by itfelf. Some per fons allege, that , after the fuppofed leader, it ought to be called " the Addingtonian Party !" The reft of the party are, however, not alittle offended at his obtaining this diftinction. They allege, that he has been fo often declared incapable by the greateſt au thorities in the nation, that fome others of the party, who are not fo notorioufly deficient, ought to give it a name. " Give a dog a bad name, and kill him, ” fay they ; and if our party be called by a name al ready d-d, d - d it muft be, beyond retrieve ! " We have been confidering how we could help the party out of this difagreeable fituation ; and it has ftruck us, that a device, fimilar to that by which the Cabal was named in the time of King Charles II. might be adopted on this occafion . If we examine the initials of the leaders, we fhall find that three letters chiefly predominate among them. B holds the firft rank Bragge, Bathurst, Buckinghamshire, Bond ! A is likewife confpicuous in the front of the brother Ad dingtons ; and H has the honour of being the firſt letter DOWNSHIRE ELECTION. 201 letter both of Henry and Hiley. From the union of theſe letters we ſhould make out the fyllable " Bah !" Should we therefore recommend this party to be dif tinguiſhed by the name of " the Bah Party, " let it not be thought, that in adopting this well- known found of a fheep, we would infer, that the perfons who compofe it have any ftriking fimilarity to that animal, or that we would give currency to the obfervation of a wag, who defcribed the countenance of the leader of the party as ftrikingly fimilar to that of a white faced ram without the horns . Aug. 8. DOWNSHIRE [From the Morning Chronicle. ] " as an encou SHOULD the following addrefs, written by a fincere friend in behalf of poor Lord C ragement to the voters for Downfhire at the next ge neral election, be favourably received, other produc tions, fometimes on fmaller, fometimes on a wider fcale, may be expected from time to time. The ad drefs is fent for infertion to the Editor ofthe Morning Chronicle, not only on account of his decp-rooted efteem for the Noble Lord, but in order to afford it the quickeſt and moſt extenfive circulation . A variety of reafons occur for writing the appeal in rhyme, and for being fo concife. In the first place, as the beft judges are of opinion that poor Lord C has hurt himſelf materially by profing too much, it was thought prudent to handle the prefent fubject in verfe and, in true " Spartan gratitude" and friend fhip, to be ftudiouſly laconic ; it being a mark of wifdom on fome occafions, to fay juft as little as com mon decency will permit. Add to all this, that fince the calm fummer months are now nearly over, and K 5 the ELECTION. Napagt 202 DOWNSHIRE ELECTION. the autumnal equinox at hand, when, " the Pilot who weathers the ftorm" will have to look to the fleet, it may be requifite, in a fhort time, to deal rather largely in fiction ; and thus it appears in every light judicious, to drefs out the minifterial topics of the day in a poetical garb. The poor poet, caring as little as his magnanimous friend does, for the loaves and fishes, and the pomps and vanities of this wicked world, fends his real place of abode, though he happens juft now to lodge in a very low- life and obfcure fituation . But ftill great in his reveries, and his golden dreams, he withes, like other great characters, to do good by Stealth, and therefore figns himſelf P. C. which, though not the initials of his name, are, however, two fuch obvious letters, that moft ladies and gentlemen, in or out of politics, in or out of love, will be able to remember them day and night. Should any fnarling critic de mand the reafon of this long profe introduction, to one ſhort ſtanza, confifting of only four lines, the anfwer is ready and concife: Lord C- having un doubtedly two ftrings to his bow, has the fame un doubted right to the advantage of both profe and verfe. 27th Auguft, Grub Street, P. C. WITH twoftrings to his bow, though the fhrewd C- ft- r-gh From the huftings was drove, ' midſt a roaring huzza ; Soon he ' ll meet the fair Meed-other weather will blow At his poll a new ftring fhall be tied to the beau. MerryDown, Down, O hey, merry Down. Aug. 28. AN ( 203 ) AN EPISTLE CONSOLATORY FROM LORD MELVILLE TO LORD CASTLEREAGH, ON HIS RECENT DEFEAT AT THE COUNTY DOWN. [From the fame. ] MY LORD, IN thefe " peculiar times" can I refufe The tribute of my fympathifing Muſe ? No artifice nor cunning could control "Deliberate fenfe" " events" " defective roll. " Cheer up, my Lord ! nor let this fad difgrace Abate your keen defire for pow'r and place ; A Minifter fhould learn to brave defeat, And keep his temper, though he loſe his feat! † Your " Friend" fhall foon " celeftial" aid diſpenſe, And worth like yours fhall find a recompenfe ! What though on downy wings, alas ! no more Like the fam'd Icarus, aloft you foar, Yet fhall fome courtly member freely lend An eafyfeat to Melville's trufty friend ! The fhipwreck paft, in port fecurely moor'd, Saint Stephen's foon fhall hail her fav'rite Lord! § In tranquil apathy you there fhall fit, Nor heed the poignant fhafts offaucy wit. || Should Whitbread breeding and good manners lack, And quiz your " fixteen ftrings" and " fupple jack ; " Should Fofter ofthe Union dare complain, And fay you leagu'd with bafe corruption's train ! Sit ftill and mute till Grey provoke reply, And then, like me, rife up andjuftify !

• Vide Lord Caftlereagh's Letter and Speech to the Electors of Down.

+ The " Heaven-born" Minifter. Poft tot naufragia tutus.-Terence. Populus me fibilat, at mihi plaudo. -Plautus. Parliamentary Debates on the Union. Mr, Grey's Speech. x 6 2 No 204 MORE ABOUT THE DOWNSHIRE ELECTION. No doubt, your ufual gallantry you'll ſhow, And praiſe the fair who caus'd your overthrow ; Chide the flow " tedious Poll, " that thus could mar The glories of a Miniſter of War ! And fhould the Senate ftill indignant feel At lofs of honefty or want of zeal , They'll never fail to find in Castlereagh The ftrenuous advocate of Pitt and me. Let Whitbread, then, our fecret acts diſcloſe, + And Abbot's fortitude abaſh the Noes ; Leycefter fhall, in one night, reverſe their vote, And Canning patch once more a threadbare coat ; Still unfubdu'd, while yet on chofen ground, Firm in the " gude auld" caufe we ' ll both be found ; Unite with Pitt in bonds of clofe alliance, And bid the public voice a bold defiance. Aug. 26. MELVILLE. MORE ABOUT THE DOWNSHIRE ELECTION. THE WISDOM TOOTH, &C. [From the fame. ] WHENthe reader arrives at the end, he will find the grand diſcovery which all wife men in all times have fighed more for than for the philofopher's ftone ; and which, if properly regarded, will beat the difcovery of the cow-pox hollow in the prefervation of the human race. It is a difcovery of a more noble caft : it minifters to the mind difeafed : " it is a cure for vicious politics--and as infallible, too, in its ope ration as the moft infallible noftrum for the tooth ach. 66 There is, indeed, a furpriſing reſemblance between rotten teeth and rotten politics ; and the hollowness The Marchionefs of Down. " Gaz'd on the fair who caus'd his care, And figh'd and look'd . " Alexander's Feaft. + Vide the Debates of the ever-memorable 8th of April , when the cafting vote of the Speaker ( Mr. Abbot) decided the queftion of Lord Melville's Impeachment. in MORE ABOUT THE DOWNSHIRE ELECTION. 205 in both cafes is certain, fooner or later, to affect the nerves. Again : in political life a perfon of furious zeal often joins an Adminiftration in the fulneſs of their ftrength, and at a time when his flender aid is far from neceffary. Willing, however, to make the moſt of himſelf, he is refolved , while he has but one talent, not to follow the example of the unprofitable fervant, and bury that talent in the earth. In politics as in trade, he finds that he who begins with the fmalleft ftock, is very frequently the richest man in the end ; and, more lucky than the tradefman, he fome times gains a name all at once, which, however, is tarnifhed as foon as it is obtained. But ftill he con tinues in a diſtinguiſhed fituation, and contrives, fome how or other, to furvive the beſt of his party, then to join another party, then to furvive that party in the fame manner ; theltered impenetrably above and below, like an oyfter, and reſembling that luxurious fifh in a variety of points, but in none more cloſely than in an extreme deficiency in locomotive power, fince he cannot for the life of him leave his place. It is not here intended to compare a fly politician with an oyfter. In eftimating the powers of his mind, it may be more agreeable to run through a long refemblancebetween him and thathighly - favoured tooth in the jaw of an adult, which, in all ages of the world, has been diſtinguiſhed for wifdom. Among the hu man teeth, it is well known that there is one of a weaker texture than the reft , and fomewhat more liable to corruption. It is called, perhaps in the fpirit of irony, " the Wifdom Tooth ;" as it falls into decay almoft at its birth, and makes its appear ance at a time when all the other teeth are firm, and by no means inclined to quarrel with their bread and butter. It has, however, one real mark of wiſdom it keeps its place ; and, in true philofophical temper, is very well contented to remain exactly where it is. Several of the other teeth, indeed, would joyfully dif penfe 206 MORE ABOUT THE DOWNSHIRE ELECTION. penſe with its company. But it is fo advantageouſly fituated, and ftands at fuch an awful diftance from the dentift's inftrument, that a bold and fkilful hand is now and then afraid to remove it for fear of endanger ing the wholejaw. It requires no great knowledge of anatomy to perceive that, in this quarter, the human jaw takes a new di rection. But as, among thofe nations that approach neareſt to the ſtate of nature, the youngeſt child is not only the mother's darling, but is alfo favoured by the father in the diftribution of the property which is left behind him, Nature herſelf beſtows on her laſt effort and favourite tooth two very fingular proceffes (pardon the technical term) , the one on the right, and the other on the left, which to the other teeth fhe has not thought proper in her bounty to impart. Hence it is, that although the Wiſdom Tooth may not have as deep a prong as a few of the reft, yet is it fo carefully guarded by its two proceffes, that it is occafionally found extremely difficult to get rid of it in its decay. It may, therefore, be faid to have two strings to its bow; and, like the wife Neftor in Homer, the Wif dom Tooth frequently fees three generations of its own kind : for really it is a grofs miſtake to fuppofe (and a hundred ladies can be called forward in proof) that human creatures are allowed only two fets of teeth to laft them through the whole courfe of their lives. But instead of purfuing the refemblance any further between rotten teeth and rotten politics, it will be better at the prefent moment to offer the grand cure for the latter, which, to repeat a remark, is as infallible as the moſt infallible cure for the tooth-ach. 31ft Auguft, Grub Street. P. C. A plague on vicious politics ! On dirty, little ſcheming tricks For fugitive renown : See! C-ft -r-gh his cares difclofes, Rich though he fleeps on bed of roſes, Or forely dreams on Down. SONG, ( 207 ) SONG, SAID TO HAVE BEEN SUNG BY LORD CASTLEREAGH TO MR. PITT, CONTAINING A TRUE ACCOUNT OF HIS LATE CONTEST IN IRELAND. [From the fame.] SAAD news from the kingdom of Ireland I bring, I believe I must get to my Bow a new String ; I thought, my dear friend, that the Doctor and you Were Two Strings to myBow" I ſhould always find do. Down, down, down, we are down. As I travers'd the ſea to my own native land, For the county of Downſhire determin'd to ftand, I fmil'd onthe profpect that gilded the way Tothe certain fuccefs of your friend Caftlereagh. Down, down, down, we are down. here were things, to be fure, that were not quite fo well, There were folks there I knew would be ready to tell How in life I ſet out a reformer, like you, And, like you, by a place, how I foon was brought to. Down, down, down, we are down. By others I knew, too, the mob would be told How not only myſelf but my country I'd fold ; Yet ftill theſe reflections awaken'd no fears, So ftout are my nerves for a youth of my years. Down, down, down, we are down. The fubject, I own, that tormented me most Was the fear I might meet my Lord Downſhire's poor ghoſt, That his fpirit the people of Ireland might tell How in vain I implor'd him his country to fell ; Down, down, down, we are down. How in vain with my Dukedom, and Riband, and fees, This high-minded Marquis I ftudied to pleaſe, How, becauſe he his country preferr'd to all place, I proclaim'd him a rebel, and doom'd to difgrace. Down, down, down, we are down. Yet I knew my pretenfions too well to deſpair, Never gaping electors faw fuch bill of fare As the one that you know I took out of this town ; I'd a fop for all ranks from the Peer to the clown. Down, down, down, we are down. At 208 SONG BY LORD CASTLEREAGH. At homethey might ftay, or abroad they might go, I could furnish them all with " Two Strings to their Bow;" In my Office of State and my Board of Control There was picking and choofing enough for the whole . Down, down, down, we are down. Then I fondly imagin'd, my friend, that your name, As united with mine, would ftill add to my fame ; And I could not but think, as the Doctor's friend, too, That by his means I likewife fhould pick up a few. Down, down, down, we are down. But, alas ! my dear friend, then the truth it muſt out, With all my pretenfions, I'm fairly turn'd out ; And, if Englishmen think like the people of Down, What is more-we fhall foon be turn'd out of this town. Down, down, down, we are down. To my utter furpriſe, ev'ry rank and degree Join'd in curfes of you, and in hiffes at me ; Yet I fought, and harangu'd, and kept open the poll, Till I could not cajole a vote more for my foul. Down, down, down, we are down. So now it was time, when I found my defeat, To fob up an excufe for my fudden retreat ; So forfooth I alleg'd that my friend, Colonel Meade, Bythe arts of corruption I found would fucceed. Down, down, down, we are down. Then juſtice I folemnly vow'd ſhould be had, That I knew all the votes of the Colonel were bad ; But, at prefent, I knew that you wanted me here, For the nation had paid for my abſence too dear. Down, down, down, we are down. But the loud- laughing boobies began to fmoke this, Though you know I can play fuch a part not amifs ; And a damnable fellow, one Trotter by name, Blew the county of Downfhire at once in a flame. Down, down, down, we are down. So, compell'd by this uproar my fpeech to curtail, Like a dog with a canniſter tied to his tail, 1 fcour'd through the county of Down to the fea, And, by G-d, never more will fee Donaghadee. Down, down, down, we are down. Aug. 31. " ADDRESS ( 209 ) ADDRESS BY LORD C—-. Tune-" Lilly Bullero Ballinara." [From the fame.] YEE Downſhire muſicians, go ftrain ev'ry ſtring, Now praiſe Billy Pitt, now of Addington fing ; On twostrings more mufic, my jewels, I'll fhow, So fiddles be burnt-give me ftrings to the bow. Afervant of all - work is rare to be got, I'm cool with the cool, I am hot with the hot ; For no work is dirty which brings us a fop, So come and be ſplaſh'd by my Treaſury mop. The Irish of old came all trooping from Troy, So gold let us take by Troy weight, my dear joy ; Aud Scindia and Holkar, and fifty rogues more, Muft fweat and be beat juft to rub out our fcore. The Park guns are fir'd, and the ragged rogue hollas, Huzza! for we've taken a million of dollars ; Come let's pick the lock, if we can't get the key, And the dollars are all for ny voters and me. BANGKO FURTHER RESULTS OF THE DOWNSHIRE ELECTION. [From the fame. ] 9th Sept.- Grub Street. - P. C. LORD C-ftl -r-h, in his late addreſs to the county of Down, having thought fit in his wifdom to defcant upon the Irish Union, and on the important part he had to perform both before and after the courtship ; dedicated to his Lordship, with propriety, are the following lines on MR. PITT'S INSTRUMENT. Parvum metu primum, mox fefe attollit in auras , Mobilitate viget, virefque acquirit eundo. O DEAR ! what a fad- looking Inftrument, O dear ! and is it P- tt's Inftrument? Dear ! dear ! what a fad-looking Inftrument To confummate a Union fo rare ! P- tt 210 FURTHER RESULTS OF THE P-tt vow'd the tall Erin was grown to a fair age, Was wild as a dragon, and ready for marriage Still takes he a method against a miscarriage : Ah, Erin ! thou maid in deſpair !

Odear! what a fad-looking Inftrument ! His courtship was menace, and promiſe and pother * He threw her whole houfe in confufion and bother, The fcullion and butler were mauling each other : 'T was a Union of Irish ware. O dear! but what was the Inftrument ? He afk'd the proud few at the houſekeeper's table, Were they to exclude the poor lads of the ſtable ? If Erin liv'd fingle her houſe would be Babel → Still with'd he the few as they were. O dear! where wifh'd he the Inſtrument ? Th' Attorney, whofe work was to draw up the marriage, Incog crept among them, and ftrove to difparage Poor Erin, and faid fhe muft give up her carriage And horfes the very next year ; O dear ! and reduc'd to the Inftrument. If any low fervant once makes a ſmall niche in The houſekeeper's door, you will have the whole kitchen : Good folks, never let any fon of a b-tch in ; Your miſtreſs fhe would if the dare, O dear ! and laugh at the Inftrument. + He trac'd her ab ovo : birth, wealth, and expenfes Declin❜d the verb Amo through moods and through tenſes ; Afk'd, Who in this Houſe with a Union diſpenſes, And thinks " We are well as we are ?" O dear ! and how is the Inftrument ? " You are very well as you are ! " cried the flim beau, (The pert pettyfogger was ftanding at kimbo ;) Your proud-hearted miſtreſs foon bundles to limbo " You are very well as you are !" O dear ! a jail or the Inſtrument.

• See Mr. P-tt's fpeech on the Union.

+ He traced her ab ovo. -In the debate on the Union in the Iriſh Houfe of Lords, the Chancellor went, perhaps , a little out of the way in detailing the whole hiftory of Ireland, from the earlieſt date. He DOWNSHIRE ELECTION. 211

• He ftyl'd her an outcaft-again fhe'd be meagre:

ተ " Black cart" her new carriage-he knew how to peg her He rofe from low parents, and hated a beggar ; Chang'd name, and was now Mr. Cl-r-. O dear ! high pimp to the Inftrument. Th' Attorney thus gave the head fervants a damper : Again their young maſter then came with a hamper Of claret, or port, the ſmall party to pamper To gain them he fat in the chair ; Dear! dear ! and fhew'd them his Inftrument. ' ! Then fought the full kitchen, and took up the cleaver, Cried, Erin was partial, and ſwore they ſhould leave her; The lofs ofthe Mafs of her fervants might grieve her, And fill her ftrange bofom with care. O dear! no hope in the Inftrument. You may pray for bread, and the prefent a fone is ; But Union has dainties as nice as polonies : Soon high and low fervants fhall cotton as cronies, And all at one table muſt fare. O dear! and who has the Inftrument ? The few of themfelves--will they fhare with the many ? You labour for rags while they fleep on for money Ye bees drive the few lazy drones from the honey The few have their miſtreſs's ear. O dear! and fo has his Inftrument.

• See the Chancellor's fpeech, where he endeavours to prove Ire land a colony, and then Mr, Grattan's reply, fhort, full, and rich .

This charitable cart , built on purpofe for poor mendicants, who are allowed to jaunt in it, gratis, through the ftreets of Dublin, is fuppofed to cover, or, better ftill , to prevent a multitude of fins. It is faid, moreover, to work miracles daily ; which, however, loſe their affect, as the Deifts will recollect, by conftant repetition , and in a manner ceafe to be miraculous. But no fooner does this celebrated cart pa's near a group of beggars, than the blind begin to fee, and the lame to walk and run. It reftores fuch as have been difmiffed from the Hofpital of Incurables ; reforms incorrigible rogues, and appears invariably in the moſt claffical ftyle ; the black cart, like the gods of the poets, never interfering till all ordinary methods are found abfolutely ineffectual. You now pray for bread. -The fervants in Ireland are not regu larly allowed bread , not even in the great houfes, fuch as " Caftle Rack Rent," where economy is not very ftudiouſly practiſed. But 212 FURTHER RESULTS OF THE But wedlock fhall lift you-there, there is the lever. Your houſemaids are buxom, your footmen are clever. He afks " Shall the cook fkin potatoes for ever ?” " No, not in my ſervice, I ſwear. " O dear ! the cook and the Inftrument. Thus min'd he the works at the loweft foundation ; He fu'd in the kitchen in fhorten'd oration : His purfe would have fuited a Miniſter's ſtation He gave the poftillion a mare. O dear ! but who got the Inftrument ? He fneer'd at the butler-by blood he inherits, At marriage he lofes the key of the fpirits : The footmen fhall keep it-" Their honefty merits The truft," the full kitchen declare. Odear! the key ' s the beſt Inftrument. Up flew he to Erin- his heart, can it leave her ? Then prais'd he her fimock, her fine linen, and weaver. " Abunch of white ribands, the chafte marriage- favour, And fome the Blue Riband fhall bear. " O dear ! it might ſet off his Inftrument. He dwelt on virginity long as an evil : And, preffing the damfel in wedlock to revel, High-rais'd the lone Erin, and then, like the devil, Shew'd fcenes that left nothing for prayer. O dear! and was it the Inftrument ? His tongue first enraptur'd, then ſtill'd her in wonder The high folemn peal of the long- rolling thunder Yet once the recover'd, and would not knock under Atongue to enrapture the fair ! O dear ! what a fad- looking Inſtrument ! In ſmooth even pomp, and rich ſplendour of diction , He ftruck her for ever, yet flaſh'd no conviction. Romance-but the lover ne'er lov'd through the fictionHis forc'd fire, theatrical glare. O dear! and what was his Inftrument ? How DOWNSHIRE ELECTION. 213 How hard to ſpeak grandly without any bawling! Then ' to dart from the height in free grace without falling He ftyl'd faireft marriage a trade and a calling : How Erin, proud maiden, did ftare, O dear ! at his fad- looking Inſtrument ! Potatoes ſhe was not to live on much longer ; He'd foon fill her belly, and drive away hunger, With food that would make her look better and younger ; Rich flesh with a Briton to ſhare. O dear ! and the fad - looking Inſtrument. The head fervants twice brib'd he, and ftrove to allure her ;

• But green was her fickneſs, and how could he cure her ?

Poor Erin, ' t is faid, had a fort of a furor, When Fate was to marry the pair. O dear ! what a ſad- looking Inſtrument ! Wild Erin ! wild Erin ! high-minded and frifky, With blood in thy veins running hotter than whiſky, Thy heart rofe of late like the rude Bay of Biſcay She view'd the fript Inftrument bare. O dear ! what a fad- looking Inſtrument ! Weak is the tall bully, and gone his renown is ; Tongue ever ' s his weapon, the Inftrument down is Fill, Erin, thy belly again with Mallownys : Potatoes are better than air. Odear! what a fad -looking Inftrument ! Hot Erin ! this Union no mortal can fever, In fpite of each awkward and feeble endeavour, The Inftrument down is for ever and ever, Paft whipping, and loft in deſpair. Odear ! what a fad -looking Inſtrument ! O dear ! and is it P-tt's Inftrument ? Dear ! dear ! what a fad-looking Inftrument To confummate a Union fo rare !

• But green -During the disturbances in Ireland, green was reckoned the treafon colour.

MR. ( 214 ) MR. P-TT'S INSTRUMENT AND A CAPON. [From the fame. ] 18th September. P. C. of Grub Street, Efq. at ten o'clock laft night, impranfus, was endeavouring to prevent that portion of his rebellious fubjects, known in the Con ftitution ofEngland, and defcribed by Lord Coke, in legal precifion, by the name of " Guts, " from grum bling, in noify diſcontent, at their fituation, by read ing over to them aloud, not the Riot Act, but Mrs. Glaffe's celebrated book on Cookery ; when, on a fudden, in forry plight, they, or rather he their law ful fovereign, was fo joyously ftruck at a fingular coin cidence between a Capon and a certain Noble Lord, who has juft loft a good deal of his weight, that he refolved forthwith to do juftice, in the moſt public way, to the various talents with which that eminent Lady is endowed. Tofuch as are not well acquainted with Mrs. Glaffe's ftyle, it may not be amifs to remark, that her manner is to fay multum in parvo, like Montefquieu, and not, like Puffendorff, to overload her fubject with learned digreffions concerning the quantum of power which Man, the lord of the creation, poffeffes over the birds of the air and the fiſhes of the fea. And whereas Hume, Smith, and other profound philofophers on ethics, refolve every moral principle ultimately into feeling ; Mrs. Glaffe, on the contrary, refers at once to fenfation whatever is of importance in the life of man. No fooner had this extraordinary woman made her appearance in the literary world than the was quoted as authority in the courts below ; an honour not yet obtained by the Commentaries of Blackftone. She be reckoned on a level with Mr. Fox, in pepper may ing all fubjects worthy of fuch confideration ; nor does The MR. PITT'S INSTRUMENT AND A CAPON. 215 the ever leave them till they have received the com pleteft dreffing. And although the rejects the luring graces and blandiſhments of rhetorical compofition, as meretricious beauties unfuitable to her work ; in fpite of this drawback the beats Dean Swift out and out in the article of roafting. But as the mafter-ftroke ofher entertaining powers, whenever Mrs. Glaffe finds her felf hard preffed at fome grand political dinner party, fhe can, with equal celerity of thought and execution, ferve up the fame capon in four different ways, that is, twice in each courfe ; boiled and roafted, and broiled and minced ; at one time near the bottom ofthe table, at another almoft at the top ; now on this fide, then on the oppofite fide, prefently in the middle as bird of paffage, to be eafily drawn off to either fide ; and in the end returning to the fide originally deſerted, and appearing among a fet of fresh difhes and fishes, with a few ofthe old ones not far from their former ſtations, though fomewhat altered for the worfe, and confi derably fmaller than before. Nor will it be forgotten, that, amidſt fo many new names and new fituations and buttering difguifes, the Capon, like Lord C-ftl-r-gh, preferves its identity ftill under every di verfity of form and every change of place. " Mrs. Glaffe, indeed, may be accuſed on one occa fion of a little dogmatifm in deciding categorically on the abfurdity" of ham fauce ; and on another of contracted nationality in combating with farcafm and argument the French mode of dreffing partridge ; and on a third, perhaps, of incautious difrefpect for Ho race, in tracing back the tragic bufinefs too far in that well- known part of her work where the gives direc tions to the cook-" firft to catch the hare." On the whole, however, her merit muſt be allowed to rate fo high as to warrant theſe affertions : that no author has yet afforded fuch folid gratification to fo many of the fenfes at the fame individual point of time : that 216 MR. PITT'S INSTRUMENT AND A CAPON. 7 that no author, ancient or modern , contains fuch a profufion of good things, rendered really delicious by being gracefully introduced one by one exactly at the proper feafon that neither Homer, nor Virgil, nor Milton, nor Shakſpeare, has by any means pleaſed the tafte of fo large a proportion of the good people of England : and, finally, that Mrs. Glaffe feems in a manner born to hit the British palate for ever; through all the fleeting changes of Miniftry ; through all the ups and downs of the C-ftl-r-ghs and Caftle Hacks ; through all the farcical ſhifts fo provokingly laughable in the grand political pantomime ; through whatever " variety ofuntried being" this great nation is deftined ftill to pafs. At first fight it may feem furprifing that Mrs. Glaffe, who, no doubt, has a truly feminine heart ; who writes, as the exprefsly mentions in her preface, " to pleaſe her own fex ;" and who, moreover, must be aware that every perſon who confults her has bowels, fhould, notwithſtanding, adopt the cold, unfeeling plan of Machiavel, and, without a tear, conduct her difciples through a multitudinous diverfity of torture, equal, perhaps, to any cruelties which have been in ficted under any Adminiſtration within the memory of child or youth. But, on a fecond reflection , it will appear that her real object is not to pleafe her own fex exclufively, but the favoured few of both fexes, " who fare fumptuously every day," and who care not how the remainder of the world live. Nothing therefore could have been more judicious than to ex clude all commiferation from her fubject : and as both Mrs. Glaffe and Euclid write for immortality, fo both Euclid and Mrs. Glaffe betray not one word of pity in any part of their immortal works . Walking in the footsteps of this ftoical miftrefs of wiſdom, who weeps not for a moment over the misfor tunes of the Capon, there can be no intention of dwelling ODE ON THE DEATH OF A FAVOURITE. 217 dwelling on the fore place ofthe Noble Lord. Thofe feelings of delicacy which, by themſelves, would have prevented Mrs. Glaffe from entering into minute detail, fhall operate on the prefent occafion in their fulleft force. Should this eulogium (not half what is due to Mrs. G.) be found acceptable in her fight, and lead to a perfonal introduction, and afterwards to daily inter courfe, how happy will it make P. C. ! -But, aloof from any ſelfiſh motive, he knows how to thank Mrs. Glaffe for enabling him, in the following ſhort ſtanza, to compare one fowl creature, which engages fo much ofher, attention, with another foul creature which has lately taken up a ſmall portion of his own : This truth for a broken-down Miniſter's fhapen : You foon may transform a found Cock to a Capon ; But a tinker fhall mend the moft high-finish'd clock, Ere you bring back the Capon again to a Cock. ODE ON THE DEATH OF A FAVOURITE, WHO WAS NEARLY DROWNED IN THE RIVER THAMES. (PARODIED FROM GRAY. ) [From the fame. ] 'TWASin a new-conſtructed boat, Which Acre's hero fet afloat The Treaſury Bench to fhow, Demureft of the placeman kind, The gentle Caftlereagh reclin'd, Gaz'd on the Thames below. His tail, which he fo lately turn'd, The face which ne'er with fhame had burn'd, His powerful grafp of paws !. The coat which he had often chang'd, His ears ftill left, and eyes which rang'd, He faw, andfmil'd applauſe. VOL. IX. L Still 218 RE-ANIMATION OF LORD CASTLEREAGH. TI Still had he gaz'd ; but ' midft the tide Some Downfhire voters feem'd to glide, With afpect ſweet and mild : Their lift of freeholds in their hand With names of thofe they could command, Betray'd this ardent child. The hapless youth with tranfport faw ; Aprofing fpeech, and then a claw, To gain the sturdy race, He ftretch'd in vain to reach the prize ; Nor could he well fuch fifh defpife, Who is fo fond of Place. Prefumptuous youth ! with looks intent, Again he ftretch'd, again he bent, Nor faw the gulf between : Malignant Fate fat by and fmil'd, The flipp'ry verge his feet beguil'd, He tumbled headlong in. Eight times emerging from the Thames, He call'd his mefimates by their names, Some fpeedy aid to fend : No Phipps, nor Long, no Premier heard, (Becaufe he flept, ) nor Mulgrave ſtirr'd Afav'rite has no friend. ―――― From hence, ye placemen, undeceiv'd, Know, one falfe ftep is ne'er retriev'd; Be warn'd by this fad hour; Not all that tempts your wand'ring eyes And hearts corrupt, is lawful prize, Nor all within your pow'r. Sept. 7. RE-ANIMATION OF LORD CASTLEREAGH. [From the fame. ] THEHE_Humane Society has prefented a filver medal to Mr. Pumice, the apothecary at Woolwich, for his fuccefsful efforts in reftoring animation, on Tueſday laft, 3 RE- ANIMATION OF LORD CASTLEREAGH. 219 ! • laft, to the Lord Viſcount Caftlereagh, who had nearly perifhed by one of thofe falfe fteps that have marked the progrefs of the preſent Adminiſtration . The Noble Viſcount was firft hung up by the heels, and a great quantity of water difcharged itſelf from the trachea. Mr. Pitt and Mr. Long were then inftructed to rub his Lordship's nobler parts with falt for an hour and a half, and Lord Mulgrave applied a pair of bel lows, in the mode preſcribed by the printed directions of the Society. At half past eleven his Lordship's left eye was un clofed, and the Woolwich apothecary declared it was a prognoftic of refufcitation. At twelve o'clock the Noble Viſcount was fufficiently recovered to converſe with his colleagues, who congratulated him on his double eſcape, from the Thames and the county of Down, and on the good fortune of poffeffing " two ftrings to his bow, " in either cafe, of a ducking, or a contefted election. Sir Sidney Smith feemed furpriſed at the fuccefs of his own nautical machine, at once fo well calculated, as it turned out, to deftroy not only the enemies, but the beſt friends of the country. Mr. Pitt, between a figh and a hiccup, obferved, that water was an infernal beverage, and that he hoped this would be a hint to every noble friend of his in fu ture, not to mix it with his wine. It is a fingular coincidence of events, that the Noble Viſcount's tumble in the Thames on Tueſday laft, fhould happen precifely on the anniverſary of a fimilar mifhap, which befell the Right Honourable George Rofe three years ago, out of awherry, at Weſtminſter bridge, and which occafioned thofe beautiful lines, en titled Lycidas, afcribed to the pen of J. Dent, Efq. M. P.-An exprefs was fent off on Wedneſday, by Mr. Pitt, to Lord Melville, with the news of Lord Caftlereagh's plunge, that he went off the platform L2 with NOW 220 MORE ABOUT LORD CASTLEREAGH. with a fteadineſs worthy of imitation, and that if he had not luckily been fufpended by the tranfverfe beams, the whole country would have been overwhelmed with the moft ferious diftrefs . Addreffes are expected from all parts of the United Kingdom. Mr. Pitt and the Grocers Company dine at Woolwich on Sunday next, to celebrate the above. fortunate efcape of Lord Caftlereagh, and with much claffical felicity have ordered a whole courfe of water fouchee in honour of that deferving young Nobleman. 1 MORE ABOUT LORD CASTLEREAGH. [From the fame. ] Ecce iterum Crifpinus ! SIR, IT appears, that the recent misfortunes which this Nobleman has met with, have in no degree damped the ardour of his fpirit, or prevented him from trying experiments. A Minifterial Paper of yesterday records an act of daring virtue performed by Lord Caftlereagh on Saturday laſt , to which neither Greece nor Rome, ancient or modern hiſtory, can fhew a parallel . The Oracle of yesterday ftates-" That on Saturday laſt Lord Mulgrave gave a grand dinner at Fulham to Mr. Pitt, Lords Hawkeſbury, Harrowby, and Caftlereagh ; and that in taking an evening walk on the banks of the Thames, a bitch belonging to Lord Mulgrave jumped into the water, and was followed byfour pup pies: thatthe bitch and three of the puppies returned Tafe, but that the fourth being in danger of being drowned, Lord Caftlereagh jumped into the water, at the great hazard of his life, and pulled the drowning puppy out. " Such is the flory, as given in a Minif terial Paper. Now, Sir, without being very fuper ftitious, I cannot avoid faying there is fomething which appears wonderfully ominous in this ftory ; and - if MORE ABOUT LORD CASTLEREAGH. 221 if a fimilar circumftance had happened to ancient Rome, all the augurs and foothfayers would have been confulted for an explanation of it . Lord Mul grave is ftated to have aſked four Cabinet Minifters to dine with him ; and on the evening walk, Lord Mul grave's bitch jumps into the water, and is followed by four puppies, one of which would have been drowned if it had not been for the valour of Lord Caftlereagh. The ftory appears almoft an allegory ; and one world be tempted to afk, whether the four puppies that fol lowed Lord Mulgrave's bitch were or were not the four. Cabinet Minifters he had afked to dine with him?' Another queſtion would naturally be, did the puppy, who was faved from drowning by Lord Caftlereagh, anfwer to the name of Melville? The more Iconfider the ftory, the more I am ftartled at its ominous appearance, and wish to know what it portends. Jt: furely could not be for an ordinary puppy that the Prefident of the Board of Control, the Minifter of War, the man whoſe time was too important to fpend on a Downfhire election, fhould expofe that valuable life, and all the important interefts connected with it. This bitch of Lord Mulgrave's might have produced more fatal events than even the beauteous Helen. She might have thrown India into mourning, and driven Europe to defpair. There furely must be " more in this than meets the ear ;" I therefore, Sir, join with many of your readers in wiſhing for an explanation of it. Sept. 11. A. B. L 3 LORD ( 222 ) LORD MULGRAVE'S DINNER; OR, THE TRAGI- COMICAL ADVENTURES OF LORD CÁS TLEREAGH, THE PREMIER, AND THE PUPPY- DOGS, A BALLAD. [From the fame. ] "r WAS at the dinner grand, by Mulgrave given Unto the Premier fent by heaven *, Lords Hawkesbury and Harrowby were met, And gentle Caftlereagh-a jovial fet. To Britain's glory many a bumper flow'd, Each Peer his zeal by thund'ring plaudits fhew'd ; And long before the fumptuous feaft was ended The fparkling wine had to their brains afcended. The State Timotheus, laureate bard, was there, Whole flatt'ring verfes charm the courtly ear; The ministerial guests in rapture fit, To hear him fing the praife of Billy Pitt. He fang, " How in his early youth, With manly eloquence and truth, He rais'd a nation's hopes, and won all hearts : How foon they found their hopes deceiv'd, What fools, who in his promifes believ'd, And took for Patriot fire th' Intriguer's arts. " The Premier frown'd, and check'd the minstrel's ſtrain He had no recollection of thofe times : He bade the poet feek, to footh his pain, Some fitter fubjects for his flatt'ring rhymes. Timotheus chang'd his hand, nor louger fang Of England's liberties or of Reform ; And foon the hofpitable manfion rang With Pitt, " the pilot weathering the ftorm." Pitt, alias the Heaven-born Miniſter. Fir'd LORD MULGRAVE'S DINNER. 223 Fir'd with the fong, the Bacchanalian crew Made Fulham echo with the lofty ftrains : By wine poffefs'd, forth from the houſe they flew, And fang tumultuous chorus through the plains. And longer would have fung, but to their fight Aportent terrible and dread appear'd : Each Secretary's heart recoil'd with fright, And Pitt himself th' ill - boding omen fear'd. For, while the feafters revell'd on the plain, (Thofe world-directing ftatefmen-mighty names, ) Lord Mulgrave's bitch led of her puppy train An equal number to the banks of Thames. What fury feiz'd this bitch to lead her young To tempt the anger of the roaring wave? The motive and the caufe is yet unfung ; But Fate preferv'd them from the wat'ry grave. For pow'rful wine can melt e'en ftatefmen's hearts, And teach a Pitt to feel for others' woe ; Or make a Caftlereagh forget his arts, While down his pale cheek iron tear- drops flow. Thofe eyes which fill retain'd their placid look While the tormentor Irish peaſants Blogs, Now with their forrows fwell the babbling brook In whimp'ring grief for Mulgrave's puppy dogs. For, lo ! the vent'rous mother has return'd, Three of her whelps in fafety reach'd the fhore ; But for one drowning pup the mother mourn'd ; To fave that pup the drunken ftatefnan fwore. The Premier made an animating speech, And put it to the minifterial troop, " Who firft fhould plunge from off the graffy beach, To fave from death this much-iamented pup. " What, if your country's drowning honour lay Like this poor pup, contending with the ftream, Would no high- penfion'd lordiing lead the way, Or feel his valour fir'd by ſuch a theme ?

• The dinner was at his Lordship's feat at Fulham.

£ 4 . " What P 224 LORD MULGRave's dinner. 12 " What if that finking pup, like you, has gone Beyond its depth and far beyond its power ; Say, from your breafts has fympathy fo flown, That none will fave it in this evil hour? " Perhaps the much-lov'd Melville's name it bears, And ftrives to ſwim before it learn'd to ftaud : Thus that dear Lord, the fubject of my tears, Seiz'd on the Navy, when he fail'dat land. " And now I promife, furely as I live, (No courtier's promiſe or deceitful fetch, ) One haifmy kingdom I will freely give To the bold man that faves yon finking wretch. " " All were not born for an exalted ftate," Cry Mulgrave's Lord and folid Hawkeſbury : " Let thoſe plunge in, whofe lives are fcreen'd by fate We call upon George Rofe or Caftlereagh." George Rofe declin'd thejob; in virtue pure, The drowning puppy and its dam he curft : And fwore Thames water he could ne'er endure` Froin that fad hour * that ſaw himſelf immers'd. 'The choice then fell upon Lord Caftlereagh, Who lately by experiments had ſhown That for himself, (as all mankind agree, ) Born to go up, he never can get Down. His Lordſhip dauntless braves the angry waves, Nor fears to quit the fafety of the land ; He foon the interefting puppy faves, And bears in triumph in his daring hand. Oh! what a ſubject for the Laureate Muſe ! The first and only triumph of the gang! To fing fuch worth what mortal could refuſe ? The praiſe of Caftlereagh Timotheus fang. "Poor were the conquefts of young Ammon's fon, Or Cæfar's battles, ftain'd with ſo much blood : A bloodiefs triumph Caftlereagh has won, In faving puppies from the angry flood .

• Mr. Rofe had formerly made experiments of that fort in the river Thames.

" Through LORD MULGRAVE'S DINNer. 225 " Through Erin let his noble deeds refound ; Let Down/hire voters learn to know his worth ; Who, ofthe courtly train alone, was found With courage correfponding to his birth. " Let Erin's winds his praiſes bear O'er mountain, heath, and bog ; He plung'd a nation to deſpair, But fav'd a puppy-dog." Sept. 13. A. B. MORE ABOUT IT. [From the fame.] SIR, Friday, Sept. 13, 1805. THEHE noble puppy which was lately refcued from a watery grave by Lord Caftlereagh is, it is faid, given over by the Doctor, all the means recommended bythe Humane Society having been uſed without fuc cefs. The late accident was the more unfortunate, as the puppy had for fome time been in a rapid decline, in the courfe of which fome perfons recommended Mead taken inwardly , but Lord Caftlereagh ftrongly refifted it ; for he had found, he ſaid, that, unlike other liquors, as punch, that attacked the head, it went Down-wards, and ftuck at the feat. The Noble Puppy wanted fettling at the bottom, and for that pur pofe the Noble Lord adviſed fome finking fund. Lordship, at the time he advifed this, had probably no idea that the puppy would again attempt to fwim with his complaint. His Lord Caftlereagh confoles himſelf, however, in the confcioufnefs that he did all he was able to retrieve his misfortunes, and that the Noble Puppy confeffes himfelf over head and ears in debt to his Lordship. His Lordship, it is faid, has compofed an epitaph for his Noble Friend, and is fetting it to mufic for his own ufe. I have no doubt that it will do honour to L 5 his 226 AN APOLOGY FOR LORD CASTLEREAGH . his Lordship's feelings ; though, as he has but two ftrings to play upon, he will find it difficult in mak ing a fingle good chord. I am, Sir, &c. &c. C. C. AN APOLOGY FOR LORD CASTLEREAGH. [From the fame. ] MR. EDITOR, AGENTLEMAN of fome property, in a diftant part of this ifland, lately poffeffed a greyhound, whofe wonderful fagacity was the general theme of converfa tion in that neighbourhood. It was indeed no ordi nary luxury to the lovers of the chafe to fee " Luath" in the field. If the hare was ſtarted in an open plain, Luath purfued her ftraight forward ; but if, as more frequently happened from the nature of the country, the rofe among rocks, little hills, or narrow defiles, Luath immediately formed a plan. He had obferved the practice of the hares in doubling points, and al ways turned it to account where it was poffible. He followed the hare till he afcertained pretty exactly the turn which it was probable fhe would take : he then inftantly ftruck off, and made directly for the point which he concluded the hare would endeavour to double. Having gained it, he would lie fquat upon his belly, and ſeldom failed to receive the hare in his mouth. If he hunted in company with other dogs, he feldom followed the hare along with the reft, but began to confider whether the affair might not be better managed. If he obferved any underwood, or any other fpot which, from its nature, afforded the hare a chance of efcape, he took the fhorteft cut to that place, and generally either feized her himſelf, or drove her back to the teeth of the other dogs. The fox, too, often found his proverbial fagacity over matched, AN APOLOGY FOR LORD CASTLEREAGH. 227 matched, and in the grafp of death proved the fu perior ſkill of Luath. Luath was the watchful guar dian of the fold, of the houſe, and of the poultry ; and the midnight thief, when feafting in idea on a well-fed fowl, or a delicate lamb, found himſelf in danger of becoming a feaft to Luath. The truth of thefe inftances of fagacity may be depended upon ; and they certainly furnish a fort of apology for the ex traordinarySympathy of the humane Lord Caftlereagh with the canine race. Who knows but the puppy which he faved may turn out another Luath, and afford our Generals and Stateſmen fome uſeful leffons , of which, Heaven knows, they ſtand in much need ? Hadthe Auftrian armies, for inftance, inſtead of being commanded by fuch men as your Macks, your Ferdi nands, and fo forth, been led by fuch dogs as Luath, Bonaparte would not have found it fo eafy to outwit them. Had the only nofe in our Cabinet been kept out, and that of Luath fubftituted in its ftead, we fhould not have heard of pariſh bills and catamarans, and our allies would by this time have experienced our effectual co- operation . But Luath would have dif dained to enter a Cabinet where he could find no nofe but his own. He would have fenfe enough to per ceive, that, in a moment of unparalleled difficulty and danger, the falvation of a country ought not to be rifked to gratify an inordinate love of power and place. If, therefore, Sir, Lord Caftlereagh's puppy fhould become a Luath, and furniſh a leffon to vain glorious boafters and ignorant Generals, his Lordship has at least performed one action that may be of fer vice to his country. Yours, &c. &c. 1 6 PHILO. CANIS. COMPARISON ( 228 ) COMPARISON BETWEEN A CERTAIN GREAT STATESMAN AND A CERTAIN GREAT ACTOR, OR LORD CH AND THE DOG CARLO. [From the fame.] ASS foon as he could fee, Carlo, full of puppy fpirit, profeffed to feel independent, and to act for him felf, as long as he could do fo without incurring the anger of a dog bigger than he was. Wherever he was the ftrongeft , there he growled independent de fiance ; where the weakeft, he fawned, he frifked, he capered and played, in hopes to gain the enjoyment of the parlourfire, and poffeffion of the parlour carpet. Wherever an old or a favourite fpaniel was in pof feffion of thofe comforts, Carlo pleaded the doctrine of equality ; and whenever priority of poffeffion of right, founded on ancient ufage, was urged in refiſtance to his intrufion, Carlo preached reform. Lord Chbegan like Carlo. Like him, as foon as the dawn of his political day broke upon him, he became the advocate of reform, when reform fuited the object he had in view. Like Carlo, he fet up his back to the feeble, he fawned upon the ftrong, he preached reform to enable him to eftablish claims which nothing but reform would entitle him to : and he pleaded equality of rights, to give him the title to preach reform. Thus began Carlo the puppy, and Chthe reformer. Thus Carlo got the parlour fire, and thus Lord Chgot into Parliament. When both had attained their ends, both changed their language and their conduct. Carlo, firetched upon the hearth, refifted all reforms which tended to remove him, and fhewing his teeth and claws, boldly farled at the fyftem of innovation of which before he had been the champion. Steady only to the one object of maintaining the warm corner he had gained, Carlo, COMPARISON, &c. 229 Carlo, "the Puppy Reformer," became Carlo the fupple Spaniel. Lord Ch, when his point was gained, like Carlo, forgot the means by which he had gained it. He who before had fhewn his teeth. in the caufe of equal rights and parliamentary reform, now fet up his back against thofe who wished to difturb his quiet, by urging his own arguments, and acting upon his own principles. He too, like Carlo, had gained the parlour carpet. When the taste of the public was depraved, and its appetite palled ; when the plain and wholefome diet of the English drama would no longer go down, but rofe upon its ftomach, the meretricious and tinfel glitter of pantomime and raree- fhow was produced to titilate the enfeebled paffions, and pleaſe the debauched palate of the town. Kotzebue took the place of Shakspeare, and Carlo was brought upon the ſtage on which had trod a Garrick, a Siddons, and a Kemble. To replenish an exhaufted treaſury, to make a fhow where a reality could not be produced, Carlo the dog was called upon to bear his part, and fill the meaſure of the public folly, until, recovering its fenfes, and returning to its true and honeft tafte, it re jected the frothy and unfubftantial diet it had fed upon, and once more called for the folid meat of the ancient drama. Forgetting his natural habits, and all thoſe antipathies a puppy's nature is fubject to, Carlo, to gain his dinner, amidst the glare of an illu minated theatre, and the noife and uproar of applaud ing ſpectators, plunged into an element he was natu rally a stranger to, and brought out a bundle of rags. To help a finking caufe ; to fave a falling Govern ment; to give apparent ftrength to real imbecility, and cover with a gilded plaifter, a foul and angry wound, Lord Ch was called forward to form a part of Mr. Addington's adminiſtration. Like Carlo, he forgot his nature, his former principles ; he became a Miniſter, ་ 230 LORD CASTLEREAGH AND THE PUPPY. To " a Minifter, for which Gd had never formed him ; he plunged into politics , an element nature had never meant he fhould have known or encountered. gain his dinner and maintain his place, he too plunged, and ſplaſhed, and fwam , and fpit, and ſputtered ; and to make the refemblance between himfelf and Carlo quite perfect, he daſhed with Carlo into " real water,' and brought out a puppy. Reader, refpect Carlo ! He had no fenfe to guide his actions, no principles to direct his conduct. Inftinct was his only principle of action ; the fatisfying his appetite his only object, his only duty. If Carlo could not get his dinner, except by groping for it in the dirt, or diving for it in the water, Carlo was right in getting it as he could. Poor indeed is the comparison between him and his humble prototype ! who, poffeffing the fenfe which was denied to Carlo, and claiming a rank and ſtation in exiftence which Carlo could not fill , founds his claim to public refpect and admiration on a clofe imitation of Carlo's politics, and an attempt to rival Carlo's achievements ! ON A LATE AFTER DINNER ADVENTURE. " Ille viam fecat ad" canes, " foriofque revifit ? ftant littore puppes !" Virg. Æn. vi. No doubt Mulgrave's dinner was wonderful fine; Though Chown'd that he felt fomewhat hurt That a walk to the water thould force him from wine, Not ſurpris'd that a ducking ſhould be his defert. LORD C AND THE PUPPY. A - NOBLE Lord the waters brav'd ; Still what needs all this pother ? 'Tis true that he one puppy fav'd, But almoſt drown'd another !- F.. LORD ( 231 ) LORD CASTLEREAGH AND A FISH. 66 ΜΥY_Lord, why run into a pond, For one ofpuppy race ?" " I vow, " quoth he, " when I went in, I thought it was a plaice." EPIGRAM. [From the Oracle.] WEHEN Whitbread afk'd Hodge, a Bedfordſhire clown, At the end of a paper to write his name down, Hodge anfwer'd, " Firft tell what the thing do expreſs ? " The Brewer replied, " Hodge, it is an Addrefs , Which if all people fign-(thus the mob is milled) It will lower at once my Lord Melville and bread. " "Zounds and dom it !" quoth Hodge, " if zuch good be in it, Let's zee the Addreſs, and I'll zine it this minute ; But, meafter, I wish you wou'd make it appear That you 'd got the Address to loweryour beer." QIN THE CORNER. SONNET TO MALCONTENTS, ON THE BLESSINGS THEY ENJOY UNDER THE BRITISH TA CONSTITUTION. [From the fame.] E turbulent ! be quiet, and reflect What Demons riot in Diſorder's train : Rape, murder, treafon, rapine, perjury, pain, Relentless cruelty, ftern difrefpect Of rank, worth, talent-blafphemy profane, Defiance of thofe laws made to protect, With equal pow'r, the peafant and the peer. Reflect, ye blind enthuſiaſts ! ere ye fteer Your chartlefs courfe through fuch a ftormy main, In wild purfuit of vifionary, vain, Impracticable ſchemes, and objects ne'er To be attain'd without the dreadful coft Oflives of millions ! -Prize thofe bleffings dear. You have-nor riſk repentance for them loft. YE HAFIZ. THE ( 232 ) THE FOURTH ESTATE. [From the fame. ] To the Three Eftates which form our glorious con ftitution, we may truly add a Fourth, which make in the whole, King, Lords, Commons, and Mob. Under the rigour of the feudal fyftem , the laft were low and mean, for they were called Villains. They claim a right to watch over the other three, and have often exercifed it by force of arms. In Richard the Firft's time, they deſtroyed, for the love of religion, which they have always defended, a great number ofharmleſs Jews ; and Fitzherbert, their Prime Minifter, after maintaining their rights by murder and rapine, unfortunately was brought to juftice, and ignomi nioufly loft his life at the gallows, where many of the Fourth Eftate have fuffered fimilar deaths. In the reign of our Third Henry, it pleaſed God to raiſe up one Fitzarnulf, under whofe mild adminiftration feveral houſes were pulled down in Weftminfter, for which he was hanged by martial law, contrary, as it was then faid, to Magna Charta. As the King was treat ing with his Barons, the Mob exerted their rights fo far as to infult the Queen, and throw ftones at her. Under Edward II . they were fo enraged at the conduct of the two Spencers, and a good Bifhop, that they chopt off his head, and after joining the traitorous Lords against His Majefty, at laft dethroned, impri foned, and murdered him. But this privilege was not altogether appropriated to the Mob : for out of a fecret love for the Queen, the favourite Miniſter of the Third Eſtate, who encouraged them to that me morable deed of blood, had himſelf the honour of being hanged in the fubfequent reign. In Richard the Second's time, the Mob again took the law into their own hands, to vindicate their liberty. Headed by Wat Tyler, Jack Straw, and other able leaders, they THE FOURTH ESTATE. 233 they fled to arms, claiming their fhare of govern ment, to the exclufion of the other Eftates ; and, in the true fpirit of undiftinguifhing equality, beheaded all the Barons, Clergy, and Gentry, that came in their way! They fummoned, the King before them at Blackheath, to fettle the government ; which he pru dently declining, they ruſhed into London, burnt and plundered great men's houfes, and murdered their te nants into the bargain ; but one of theſe Mob Lead ers being killed by the Lord Mayor, their Eſtate dwindled away, and many ofthe individuals were after wards choked at Tyburn ! In the reign of Henry VI. the Mob thinking their rights invaded, flocked to the ſtandard of one Cade ; and after committing all forts of depredations, this bold man was himſelf killed in the field of honour, many of his followers gibbetted, and the reft difperfed. Paffing by feveral lefs confi derable exertions of the Fourth Eftate, in defence of all their ancient immunities, under Edward IV. and Henry VII. and under thofe great and good men, Simnel and Warbeck, the latter of whom loft his life in their caufe, it is obvious that a Fourth Eftate has actually exifted among us time out of mind. which has exercifed its authority on various occafions. -Nor is it lefs fo, that in the lower ages down to the prefent time, they have ſtarted up, and made their confequence known to the other three, who, accord ing to our State Books, have attempted to check their growing power, under the fneering names of Ribauds, Robertfmen, Drawlatches, Rogues and Vagabonds ! Their legiflative and judicial power is affumed , as well as their executive. Yet, while fome are unwilling to allow them legal authority, there are fome worthy knowing ones who contend, that to put the Great Seal into their hands by commiffion, would be for the public good. Indeed they have not yet claimed, like the Mob of old Rome, a negative voice in paffing Our 234 THE FOURTH ESTATE. our laws, though they have controlled their execution, as witnefs the Gin Act, the Saw Mills, Roman Ca tholic Acts, and many more. Their elevation has been owing to the private quarrels of the members of the other three branches, particularly among what is called the Oppofition, who have ftudied to ftrengthen the hands of this venerable Mob, in order to avail themfelves of its effects, and employ them againſt their enemies.-This is what they call the uncorrupted fpirit of liberty ! We have feen two or three great men call their allies, the Mob, together in fields and Streets, and tell them they are the moft oppreffed people in the world, not daring to fpeak but in the prefence of a Soldier or Juftice of the Peace ! So much have this Fourth Eftate felt their liberty ens croached upon by neceffary laws, that they have affo ciated in bodies to preferve our Conftitution on Revo lution principles. Their mild intentions have been made manifeft by their proceedings, which were no lefs than to overturn Church and State (under the beautiful idea of a Reform) and ufurp their functions. In fhort, confidering that this MobEftate is the found ation ofgovernment, who is to difpute their right to do all this, according to the great Sydney and Locke, as long as they pleafe, even though every thing that is dear to civilized man, is deftroyed by it ? But when the truth is known, that the Mob is the caufe of go vernment, and not the fabricators, the exercife of their power, in the handfome way we have feen, may well be juftified by themfelves ; while in the fober minds of thoſe who are better taught, it may, perhaps, be dignified by the names of Rebellion and Treafon ! Oct. 28. D. THE ( 235 ) THE POLAR STAR. [From the Morning Chronicle. ] -Alba nautis Stella refulfit. ASS o'er the main the fhip purfues Her courfe beneath a low'ring fky With anxious looks the trembling crews Obferve the tempeſt hov'ring nigh : Yet ftill with hope they gaze afar, And hail in F-x their " Polar Star." When driven before the furious ftorm, The veffel rides the angry wave ; And danger, in her direft form, The half-exhaufted feamen brave They ſmile ' midft th' elemental war, While conftant fhines their " Polar Star." Though ignorant Pilots ftrive to guide The veffel ftruggling with the main Though breakers rife on every fide, And turns and ſhifts are all in vain ; Hope ne'er forfakes the ſteady tar, Whoftill obferves his " Polar Star. ". While various dangers thus combine The fhatter'd veffel to betray, Long may thy brightest influence fhine, To point the harafs'd feaman's way, Who, as he views thy light afar, Will joyous hail his " Polar Star." THE INN-KEEPER AND GUEST. A TALE. [Original. ] YEE Priefts, to you I dedicate my metre, Whatever be your pious leader's name ; Whether ' t is Luther, Calvin, or Saint Peter, In difpofition you are just the fame : For all would truth and falfehood wiſh to jumble, And by confufing mankind, mankind humble. HOR. In 236 THE INN-KEEPER AND GUEST. In Ovid and in Plutarch we have read Of one Procruftes, fam'd for horrid whims, 'Who kept for travellers a certain bed, To which he ſtretch'd or clip'd their tender limbs : Determin'd, or fage Plutarch tells us lies, That bed and body ſhould be of one fize. 'Tis thus our underſtandings you would uſe, And alter their dimenfions as you chooſe. But your opponent, Truth, is faft prevailing, And really, Rev'rend Sirs ! your trade is failing. Now you exclaim, with hypocritic whining, " Alas ! we fee religion faft declining :" Whenbythe mereft idiot it is feen That Prieftcraft all the time is what you mean, And fcoffing, common fenfe undaunted fays, Religion flouriſhes when craft decays. If e'er Religion fuffer'd degradation, It was toyou fhe ow'd the obligatior . She holds a cup with nectar flowing o'er, But in that cupyou deadly dregs infufe, You tinge that cup with harmleſs human gore, And wonder when the compound we refuſe ! Ifto Religion you would wifh fuccefs, In native purity let her appear ; Make her not odious, by an odious dreſs, And mankind then Religion will revere ; But as it is , thus negligently flight What, were it not for you, would give delight. But left fuch naked argument fhould fail, To make it clearer take the following tale, A tale, I know, unmerited by you ; For, unlike thoſe you tell us -it is true. There lives fomewhere upon the great north road, The miles from town I can't exactly mention, And if I could, my verſe I would not load With trafh fo far beneath a bard's attention : Trifles with which fome people cram narrations, I leave as hooks for future annotations. Somewhere, THE INN- KEEPER AND GUEST. 237 Somewhere, I fay then, on the great north road, A publican hath his abode : Not one of thofe in Scripture join'd to finners ; One by whofe aid the weary trav'ler fleeps, Who feeds the hungry, for he kindly keeps Awholeſale ſhop for fuppers and for dinners. All Englishmen fome oddity can boaft, E'en from the " Old Red Lion" to the throne ; And Toby Philpot, fo they call mine hoft, Has, like the reft, fome whimfies of his own. Oppoſe him in a favourite topic, And you will very foon a crow pick ; But on all fubjects fave on thefe, He is as pliant as you pleaſe; And all who know him witneſs can An upright, downright, blunt, ftraight-forward man. It chanc'd one ev'ning in poſt- chaiſe and four, That Thomas Sturdy ftop'd at Toby's door. " Poft-chaife and four !" I hear fome reader cry, " What! Thomas Sturdy, feldom known to range, Beyond the precincts of the Roy'l Exchange, Nowin poft-chaife and four through England fly !" Stop, ftop your wonder, gentle reader, pray, And hear with patience what I have to ſay. 'T was bus'nefs made friend Sturdy fly, No trifling bus'nefs you may fwear: A rich old uncle was about to die, And Thomas ftrongly wifh'd to be his heir. Prudence faid, Go-and who would prudence baulk ? The ftage was full- it was too far to walk. Like yourpoor bard on Pegafus aftride, Who feels fomehow he was not meant to ride, Tom lik'd not horfemanſhip, and often faid, He thought he was not for fuch labour made : In this dilemma, for the fake of ſpeed He took poft-chaife-fo let our tale proceed. See Sturdy feated in the parlour waiting, His boots pull'd off, and flippers in their place, The dreadful dangers ofthe day relating, With cheerful, felf- congratulating face. You 238 THE INN- KEEPER AND GUEST. You fmile-and I ſuppoſe you think him bleſt, Butyet his happineſs is not complete ; For Englif happineſs may be comprefs'd In two fmall words, videlicet, TÓ EAT. To cat they think their being's " end and aim," And oft'ner fight for pudding than for fame ; To eat they no remembrancer will need ; For ' t is a fact undoubted, let me tell ye, When Englishmen forget to cram their belly, It is a very deadly fign indeed." Thomas had no fuch fad prognoftication, But acted as became the Engliſh nation ; AScotchman would have ſearch'd his pouch, And weigh'd the matter well ; But Thomas was an Engliſhman, And therefore rang the bell. " Sir, did you ring? " quoth Toby, bowing low, So low, ' t is faid he made his two ends meet. "I did," quoth Sturdy, " for I wish to know Ifyou can give me any thing to eat. " " Yes ! that I can, Sir, " Toby fmiling faid, And like a lily drooping bow'd his head : " Cold veal, cold ham, cold beef, cold giblet pie." " Alas ! all cold ?" quoth Sturdy with a figh, " No! I can likewife fuit you, Sir, Iffomething warm you would prefer ; Rump- steaks when fried with onions, Sir, are nice, And you can have them in a trice. " "Rump-ſteak !" cried Sturdy, with joy-fparkling eye, " 'Tis juſt the very thing I wiſh ; But if you 've no defire to ſee me die, Put no d-d onions in the diſh." This fpeech did not at all with Toby fuit, Onions he worship'd like an old Egyptian ; And always would defend his fav'rite root, For Toby was not of a mean deſcription. So thus he fpoke : " Do methe favour To recollect their charming flavour. " " Charming ! THE INN- KEEPER AND GUEST. 239 " Charming! my friend, didft fay ? I fwear it It is fo charming, I could never bear it. " " But with fubmiffion, Sir, -beg pardon They are the beſt roots in the garden. ” "Perhaps to others they may be, But they are poifon, friend, to me. " " Trythem for once, Sir, when well drefs'd." -- " I tell you, onions I deteft. " " But, Sir, another trial make, I'm fure you ' I like them-for my fake." " You need no more your language waſte, For d-me if I onions tafte !" Here Toby bowing left the field, But not becauſe he was defeated, For Toby never yet would yield ; It was to vanquish he retreated. So ftraightway to the kitchen he repairs, And tells the cook, σε to drefs without delay For a peculiar gentleman up ftairs Some freaks with onions, in her uſual way ; But ftrive to cook the matter fo, That he may not the onions know ; For if he does, fo craz'd the poor man's brain, He ſwears he never will be well again. " A Were I as able a verfe-ftringer As the Mæonian ballad-finger, I here an epifode would make, Andfing the art of frying steak. But I refer each lad and lafs Who with in cooking to furpaſs, To Homer or to Mrs. Glaffe. For I fhall not my Mufe degrade, And make her turn a kitchen- maid ; Forthen my verſe muſt be confefs'd To be but kitchen- ftuff at beſt. Far nobler fubjects claim the poet's lay: The ſteak already fmokes upon the table ; And Sturdy, in a sterling English way, Prepares to eat as faft as he is able. } But 240 THE INN-KEEPER AND GUEST. But ah ! how dreadful the decrees of fate ! How fhall my Muſe the direful tale relate ! Scarce two fmall mouthfuls he had mafticated, Before his appetite was quite abated. His tafte, like ev'ry Engliſhman's, was quick, And foon diſcover'd Toby's onion trick. He rofe-kick'd down the table-ranted-fwore He never once was fo ill -us'd before ; All his ideal plans of pleaſure fled, Was carried fick and fupperlefs to bed, And from that time, fuch was the onion's power, Rump-fteak he has not tafted to this hour. Here ends my tale. You yawn- and I fuppofe, Moft Rev'rend Sirs ! you think it is fit time ; But you fhould recollect that fometimes profe Makes people drowſy, juſt as well as rhyme : Witneſs examples out of number, Where certain folk make certain people flumber. Now fince mytale has found a termination, With prick'd-up ears attend its application. Knowthen, in Toby is depicted you ; In injur❜d Sturdy, all mankind we view ; Steak, is Religion, Reaſon's choiceſt feaſt ; Onions, the loath'd ingredients of the Prieſt : Ingredients, that though well you know we hate, You never ceaſe to cram upon our plate ; Which makes us cry, in fpite of angry looks, God fends us meat, but Satan fends us cooks. Here once I thought my humble rhymes to clofe ; But on deliberation think it better, Before I end, a query to propofe And fix, by way of poftfcript to this letter. If you attentively have heard myfong, Doubtless you think that Toby acted wrong ; Then what, O Rev'rend Sages ! would ye fay Had he for onions made poor Sturdy pay ? Nov. 1803. J. H. THE ( 241 ) THE LEVY EN MASSE. [From the Lewes Journal. ] Cardiff, South Wales, 21ft August 1805. DEAR SIRS, I AM (paradoxically fpeaking) both a friend and an enemy to the Levée en Maffe, mentioned in your Journal, and in other prints, as immediately about to take place. That it thould immediately take place as an armed levée of the people at large, I will fay, with due fubmiffion to the riper opinion of Govern ment, cui bono ? I am therefore clearly averfe (fave as excepted) to this mode. The mode to which I am friendly, is this : -Be our foldiers and volunteers ever upon the alert, ready to receive the mighty Emperor of the Iron Crown in a manner becoming his deferts, permitting the reft ofthe community to make their Levée en Maffe in their own way. Let the old women make their Levées en Maffe, and fcold him : let the clergy, en Maffe, preach him down, admonish their feveral congregations to be attentive to the duty they oweto the beft of kings and to their country, and to ſeek to deprecate, by the holinefs of their lives, the wrath of the Almighty. Let the poetical tribe, who, although they may be able aptly to depict a lance, may not be able to wield one, attack the Corfican Hydra with a volley of brain-fhot. Let the poetical barber fhave him, the poetical butcher cut him up, the poetical cook bafte him, the poetical gardener prune him ; let the poetical cooper well hoop his barrel ; bid the poetical apothecary purge him and clyfterize him ; direct the furgeon to amputate his hideous excrefcences ; bid the ſchoolmafter birch him, the farrier drench him, the loriner bridle him ; bid the chimney-fweeper-alas ! poor chimney-fweeper, there is no job for thee, thou canst not fweep him VOL. IX. M clean. 242 SAMPLE OF STIRRUP OIL. clean. Lawyer, affift ; ' tis thou alone canft make black white. Miller, advance ; do thou grind him ; thou ' lt get, ' t is true, but chaff and bran for thy pains. Into the fuds with him, wafher- woman-you fay he is there already-Granted. Here, Snip, fet a ftitch in him-you fay, he is not worth mending Agreed. All your buckram, filk, and twiſt, will be loft upon him ; he will never wear well : as for ſtay tape, he has plenty of that at home. Poluterer, advance, pluck off his peacock feathers ; you'll have little trouble, they hang fo loofely about him. Fur rier, fkin him ; bear-fkin muffs are all the go with the ladies. Nurfe, the child cries, give him a rattle ; jingle Old England in his ears ; you fay it will only in creafe his whimpering ; be it fo. Let all trades and occupations have a touch at him, with an exception to the craft Crifpinian. Be the exclufive privilege granted, dear Sirs, to yourJonas, to be his proveditor in ordinary and extraordinary of genuine ftirrup oil ; of which grant me permiffion, dear Sirs, to exhibit a fample, through the channel of your entertaining Journal. I remain, dear Sirs, Your obliged and obedient humble fervant, JONAS SOWWell. SAMPLE OF JONAS SOWWELL'S STIRRUP OIL ; OR, SE RIOUS ADMONITION TO THE MAN WITH THE IRON CROWN. BONY! of modern times thou bluft'ring Hector, How oft I've fcoul'd thee, in farcaftic lecture, Let Journals evidence of Meffieurs Lee : The fact you can't gainfay, with all your craft ; In feaman's phrafe, I've lafh'd you fore and aft, Lafh'd you on land, as Calder on the fea. 4 Your SAMPLE OF STIRRUP OIL 243 Your vain flotillas are our ſtanding joke ; Your threaten'd fires evaporate in ſmoke ; Lord, how we laugh to fee your flimfy bateaux Faire tour de promenade de port en port, Affording to our feamen mickle fport, Deftin'd, you faid, to batter down our chateaux. Bony! Don Quixote of our modern times, Immortaliz'd by Jonas' tuneful rhymes, Wherein thou ' lt live for ever and a day ; Say, mighty man, in empire moſt imperious, In theſe ineptics art thou really ſerious ? If fo, while fun fhines, pr'ythee make thy hay. Command thy legions quickly to advance ; Shout St. Dennis * ! —pour l'honneur de la France ! Bid all your force affail our envied itle ; Withpolitele Françoife we'll furely meet you, And ftretching out a willing hand to greet your, Welcome great Bonaparté with a ſmile. To lodge him like a prince exert our pow'r, Confign him due apartments in the Tow'r, Within the realm no lodging more fecure ; And judging, from his idle vain pretences, The mighty Emperor has loft his fenfes, What place more likely to effect a cure ? There he fhall dwell in all the pomp of ſtate, Snip fhall his meaſure take for waiſtcoat ftrait, Monro fhall count of pulfe his tick- a -tick ; Phlebotomy fhall eafe his turgid veins, We'll cool his habit, waſh his addled brains, And purge, of empty boaft, the paltry trick. Then, Bony, thou ' It permit the flaviſh Dutch Togo alone, and throw away their crutch ; Thy brow, of iron crown thou ' It then defpoll ; And in thy calmer and unfrenzied hour Wilt with to claim alliance with a pow'r Who'd willing with the world be oil in oil.

• The patron Saint of France, as St. George for England, &c.

M 2 Great 244 SAMPLE OF STIRRUP OIL. Great Britain feeks but to conferve her own, Devoid of leading-ſtrings, to go alone ; Her ftubborn neck to thee the ne'er will bend; When fane, thy fenfelefs conquefts thou giv'ft up, With thee the 'll willing breakfaſt, dine, and fup, And greet thee as an ally and a friend. Louis le Grand , a fimpleton like thee, Would fain have rul'd by land, have rul'd by fea ; His glutton ftomach would have gorg'd the world ; And, if to further conqueft he 'd been driven, Would have affail'd the facred gates of heaven, Unaw'd by vengeance on the giants hurl'd †. Alas ! his triumph was but of an hour ; He op'd, he bloom'd, he wither'd like a flower, Senfelefs, defpis'd, and on the dunghill thrown : Alas ! his dear-bought conquefts funk apace, His latter years nought witnefs'd but difgrace, Nor ſcarcely could he call his own his own. Theſe admonitions, Bony, don't deſpiſe ; Louis fall hold a mirror to thine eyes, Wherein thy downfal thou mayft fpeculate ; Like thee, though great, he acted like a fool, Till adverfe fortune fent the child to ſchool : Bony, be wife ! -beware an equal fate !

• Lewis the_XIVth, furnamed the Great, who aimed at univerſal dominion.

+ According to the heathen mythology, the giants warred againſt Heaven, piling mountain upon mountain to attain their ends ; as Louis the XIVth and Bony kept piling ftate upon ftate, and kingdom upon kingdom, to obtain theirs. " Nor were the gods themselves more ſafe above, Againſt beleaguer'd Heaven the giants move. Hills pil'd on hills, on mountains mountains lie, To make their mad approaches to the ſky : Till Jove, no longer patient, took his time T'avenge with thunder their audacious crime. Red lightning play'd along the firmament, And their demolish'd works to pieces rent." Dryden's Tranflation of the First Book of Ovid's Metamorphofes, TECANTILE LIBRARY ( 245 ) THE ROW DOW AT THE HAYMARKET THEATRE; OR, THE DEVIL AMONG THE TAILORS. ABallad in the Style Grubfreetonian. BY JONAS SOWWELL. Tune-A Cobler there was.. [From the fame.] SHHALL tailors alone ſport the devil ? -pray why? The devil's a pig that has more than one ftye ; To engrofs him to tailors is furely uncivil, For e'en thou, deareſt Lee *, art poffefs'd of a devil †. Derry down, &c. In the robes of our language he 's decently clad, " This is deviliſh good ! ". " this is devilish bad !" " As devil fhe's ugly !"-" fhe 's devilish handſome !" The devil, coin'd in guineas, would pay a king's ranſom. Derry down, &c. Our tongue yields, ' t would feem, but two terms to em bellith, Whichto fish as Cayen, to diſcourſe give a reliſh : Both are pungent and hot, and, like Satyr of old, In utrumque paratus, blow hot, and blow cold. Derry down, &c. Zounds ! 'tis devilish hot-zooks ! ' tis deviliſh cold— She's a devilish good wife-fhe's the devil of a fcold ! She's a devilifh vixen ! the devil if fhe an't ! Thus to homage the devil would fure vex a faint. Derry down, &c. Meffieurs les Tailleurs rais'd the devil of a rout ; That the devil was in them, exifts paſt a doubt ; That they board him at home, ' t were fuperfluous to tell Where ſhould he his lodging take up but in hell ? Derry down, &c.

• The Printer of the Paper.

+ A printer's devil is a very honeft, uſeful member of the commu nity. Would I could pay a fimilar compliment to him who guides the motions of the knights of the needle ! Hell, a place fo termed by the knights of the needle, wherein they flow their cabbage. Thus if a cuftomer fhould complain of M 3 the 246 THE ROW DOW AT THE HAYMARKET. " Dear Devil," fays Snip, " thou haft long liv'd in clover; Supine, wilt thou fee thy poor tailors done over ? With cabbage we've fed thee from morning to night, Your fanction we crave-lead us on to the fight. Derry down, &c. " Affift us, dear Nick, to hifs, cat- call, and bark it, They caricature us to-night in Haymarket; Read their bill- Tailors' Tragedy made for warm Weather' Affift us to keep them in bounds of their tether !" Derry down, &c. Up ftarted Old Nick-well adorned his head, Of broad cloth and narrow with many a fhred ; " I'll fupport you, my lads, and will further your plan, For a tragedy warm, d -me ! I am your man." Derry down, &c. Dear Chriftians ! ne'er lean on Old Nick for fupport, He'll treat you as danglers are treated at court ; Accept of your labour, your pains, and your toil, And clothe himſelf rich in the wealth of your fpoil. Derry down, &c. Snip, Thimble, and Shears, with the reſt of the board, Led on by Old Nick, how they hifs'd, whoop'd, and roar'd ! " We'll trag'dy admit to excite people's laughter, Old Nick will the tragedy play us hereafter !" Derry down, &c. Now ev'ry man feeming elate on his perch, Old Nick, as his cuſtom is, left in the lurch ; Wife juftice has mark'd them with gripe of his claw, E'en of man the ninth part muſt ſubmit to the law. Derry down, &c. the unconscionable quantum of materials taken up for making his fuit, Snip will exclaim-" If I have taken up a nail more than fuf ficient, may it have flown to hell, and I follow after it !" Then LINES ON LORD NELSON. 247 " Then of cabbage, ye tailors, avoid the vile trick, See ! you're left in the lurch by your patron, Old Nick ; Act fairly and fquarely, of cabbage the folly fee, For honefty fure is by far the best policy *. Derry down, &c. Cardiff, Aug. 25. LINES, ON HEARING OF LORD NELSON'S DEPARTURE FROM TOWN, TO RESUME THE COMMAND OF HIS FLEET. BY AN OLD TAR. [From the fame.] Go, Nelfon, hoift the bloody flag, Difperfe our foes, their threats repel, Who dare not fight, but flee and brag : Go, fend the fugitives to h ! They fculk like thieves, in ev'ry creek, And fteal a ftraggling fhip, perchance ; But rather play at hide and feek, Than rear aloft the creft of France !

• Inthe edition of Foote's works, printed in 1794 for Parſons, the following remarks precede the tragedy of the Tailors :

" This laughable production was firft performed at the Haymarket Theatre, in the fummer of 1767. " The audience received it with applaufe, as at that time difputes about wages between the journeymen and mafter tailors ran fo high, as to render them the ſubject ofgeneral notice and converſation. " The author of the Tailors remains unknown. The manufcript was fent to Mr. Foote, who was requeſted to bring it forward at his theatre, if he thought its merits were fuch as to give it a chance of fuccefs ; if not, it was to be returned . " Foote approved highly of the piece, and played a part in it him felf, viz. the character of Francifco. Its reception in every reſpect juftified his good opinion. " It is to be regretted that this admirable burleſque is not more frequently performed ; and to the manager of the Haymarket Theatre Royal we recommend its revival on the commencement of his next feafon." The prologue, replete with humour, was written by the late David Garrick. M 4 Thy 248 EPILOGUE TO THERMOPYLE. Thy very name appals their fouls, Where'er but whiſper'd in their ears, In ev'ry latitude controls Their object, and excites their fears. Invade our iſland ! they be d-d, Vile dupes offlavery, fools of fraud, By luft of fpoil, and blood inflam'd, With envy ftung, and malice mad. Go, fink them in the fhades below ; Perdition, ope thy pond'rous jaws ! Devour this proud and upſtart foe, And fire the nations with applaufe ! O Nelfon! deftin'd to reprefs Ambition's fierce and lawleſs rage, Thee Europe haftens to carefs, The faviour of a hopeleſs age ! See, Britain weaving for thy brow A garland, that ſhall never fade ; With grateful fragrance ever glow, And always flouriſh round thy head ! Eaft Bourne, Sept. 19, 1805. EPILOGUE TO THERMOPYLÆ, OR REPULSED INVASION ; A TRAGIC DRAMA ( FOUNDED ON GLOVER'S LEONIDAS) ; Performed four Nights in April 1805, by the Pupils of the Gofport Naval Academy. WRITTEN BY MR. ROBERDEAU, OF PORTSMOUTH, THE AUTHOR OF THE PIECE. ESCAP'D from fwords, and fpears, and noiſe of battle, Behold me now for epiloguiſh rattle Alive and found :-my hafty coronation Prefto, difpatch'd !-how like a neighb'ring nation, The kneeling Spartans hail'd the rifing Phoebus, Myſterious fprung like Gallia's Sphinx's rebus : Meteor EPILOGUE TO THERMOPYLE. 249 Meteor from darkneſs burſt, with change of moon, Scaring the world-a royal war-balloon ! O'er proftrate nations hov'ring high in air, And wond'ring " how the devil he got there *." But turn we to the topic of the day : What'syour opinion of our Grecian play ? Has claffic Glover's energetic ftrain, When thus remodell'd, breath'd its patriot vein Into your breafts ?-or have we fail'd to ſhow Due ſkill or ſtrength in this Ulyffes' bow? Our ftripling years cannot be one objection ; For all that's juvenile now meets protection. Young-tiny-Lilliputian is the age ; But chief the youthful fpell pervades the ftage, Where long-tried warriors quit the Thespian field, And heroes fix feet high, to pigmy Betty yield ! Swift runs the Rofcian mania through the land, Like London faſhions, ap'd at fecond hand : Th' itinerant fhowman wonder's flag unfurls, With Rofcian dancing-dogs ;-fire- eating Rofcian girls ! And, well to make the gaping audience ftare, Rofcian wild beafts are train'd for ev'ry fair ! This boyful rage of eighteen hundred five May be diffus'd, and ſpread around, and thrive ; O'er ev'ry clafs, o'er trade, profeffions ruling, May ſhortly prove this age requires no ſchooling ! No more fhall man in nature's trammels move, But burft, like Pallas, from the head ofJove ! Wide and more wide may nafcent wiſdom flow, And all the nurfe or prieft has taught †," o'erthrow : Generals in leading- ftrings we then may boaft; While fuckling admirals may guard our coaft! Phyfic's young fons in Efculapius' hall, Inftead of Galen, ſtudying cup and ball ; And for the jargon'd phrafe, the deep-drug'd fhop, Difport intuitive the-humming-top ! Young ftammering chancellors the law fhall guide ; And lifping bifhops at the mother's fide May rule the church ; -nor ftops the fpell, but even Pervades the holy chapel of St. Stephen ;

Pope. M 5 + Garth. Where 250 EPILOGUE TO THERMOPYLÆ. Where infant ftatefmen, in a fenate ſpread, Philippics fpout for-gilded gingerbread ! Whilft little unplac'd lordlings in the dumps, Snatch at court cards and wrangle for the trumps ! But hold ;-I'm foaring to a giddy height ; By prudence warn'd I quit fatiric flight. Permit me then, in a more ſerious ſtrain, Tothink, our night's attempt may not be vain; That, nurtur'd here by Genius' early feed, To rich maturity may foon proceed ; Remembering when, by emulation fir'd, 'Twas this bright audience firſt the flame infpir'd : For fancy here, perchance, with partial eyes, Sees embryo Sheridans and Erfkines rife ; Who to th' enraptur'd forum may difplay 'Mid rhet❜ric's brighteſt funs, the full meridian day ! Still fhall we boaft, fhould we fuch paths purfue, This firft, this rude effay, was patronis'd by you. Yet ere I cloſe this my laft fcenic day *, My debt of gratitude I here would pay : Oft on theſe claffic boards I've ſtrove to gain Your favourable fmiles, nor ftrove in vain. But now life's drama calls, to act my part On its great ftage : -Adieu the mimic art ! Now, roughly caft for naval war's ftern play, To urge through danger's road my val'rous way ; To guide Britannia's vengeance on her foes, To purchaſe death or honour- earn'd repoſe! Yet ' neath bright glory's rays theſe boyiſh freaks Shall call paft pleafure's glow o'er manhood's cheeks, Nor wealth's pil'd hoards, nor Fame's alluring wings, Shall e'er furpafs the blifs-this pleaſing moment brings !

• The youth who fpoke it was juſt then embarking in the Royal Navy.

THE ( 251 ) THE CORPORATION FEAST ; OR, FILLING THE GLASSES. [Original. ] WHENthe band of paunch'd Helluos with civic wreath myrtle, Their blood become claret, their brains-cayenn'd turtle ; Whom apoplex threaten'd to drive from life's cloyfter, Knives and forks duly brandifh'd, like Hogarth's grafp'd oyfter : The third courfe well difpatch'd, as they nibbled fous'd fturgeon ; Lolling tongues and glar'd eyes ſtrongly afking the fur geon : He ſwiftly prepares fharp phlebotomy's puncture, (Not one moment to lofe at fuch critical juncture,) To fave each cramm'd wight from repletion's fell throttles, When forth burft a voice, from the depth of three bottles : " If danger's incurr'd by fuch delicate feeding, Why relief muſt be fought for ; -but not by arm-bleed ing: If we die like true cits, mind each jovial foul paffes, Bring the cupping- cafe, man ; -that's ſtill filling the glaffes." Portsmouth. R. FEMALE STUDIES ; OR, SOUND READING. [Original . ] WEHEN Wisdom, Wit, and Innocence *, In hopes to chafe dull vapours hence, Their fuit for books preferr'd : From my rang'd fhelves I choiceful fent One tome of wit- fraught merriment, One cull'd from the dramatic herd,

• Three young ladies.

M. 6 And 252 LINES ON THE DEATH OF A DAUGHTER. And one of miſcellaneous hue ; But foon upon the triple view Thus ta'en from letter'd hovel, The reading fuppliants adverfe turn, They for found female ſtudies burn, Concentring in-a novel ! Portſmouth. LINES ON THE UNTIMELY ACCIDENTAL DEATH OF THE IN FANT DAUGHTER OF MRS. ARCHER *, OF PORTSEA. [From the Hampſhire Telegraph and Suffex Chronicle.] EVANESCENT ftar of morn, Fragrant flowret rudely torn ; Purer thou than Ophir's gold, ' Pain's horrific hour is told ! R. Little fuff'rer ! fharp thy pains, Now abforpt in countleſs gains; As thy feraph notes afpire 'Mid the Hallelujah choir, Lo! thy fire, who greatly fell, (Glory's page his name fhall tell ! ) Pleas'd, his little darling owns, And conducts to ſtarry thrones. Dazzling fplendours joy- illum'd,' Heav'nly accents blifs- attun'd, (Vanish'd death, and pain, and fear, ) Break upon thine eye and ear ! Thus proclaims th' immortal word: " Seek my kingdom undeterr'd, For 't is thine, O infant bleft, Heritor of heav'nly reſt !" Mournful matron, weep no more, Soon fhall life's rude day be o'er ! Thy cherub, and thy bofom's lord, Shall foon thy faithful tears reward,

• Widow of Capt. Archer of the 49th, who was killed in Egypt.

Where THE LAMENTATION OF A LEG OF PORK. 253 Where keen forrows cannot dwell, Where fupernal raptures ſwell ! Soothe thy heart affliction-toft ; Death in victory ſhall be loſt ! Portfmouth, April 9. BY TIMOTHY TAGG. [From the Hampſhire Telegraph and Suffex Chronicle.] FLLAT in a pickling-difh was laid, Its fatling form at length diſplay'd, Ayouthful leg of pork ; Floating in its own briny tears, It forrowing thus exprefs'd its fears Of 'ſcaping knife and fork : The following Jeu d'Efprit was addreffed to three young Ladies, who failed in the laft India Fleet. THE LAMENTATION OF A LEG OF PORK. " Since fever'd from my native ſwine, What hope-inſpiring joys were mine ! How did frail fortune flatter ! That for the Graces ' mouths referv'd, Tothem I fhould be warmly ferv'd, With pudding pea, not batter ? " High plac'd, the Graces' chofen diſh, I'd look'd with fcorn on fowl and fiſh, On jelly, tart, or cuſtard ; In gravied ſtate with garniſh neat, I'd still be deem'd thefav'ry meat, Sauc'd with attendant muſtard ! " Then flic'd in ſhreds of fat and lean ; Next, prefs'd their ivories between, Fork- carried non- refiftant ; Swift in concoction's magic pow'r, Had paft my tranfmigrating hour, From their good hearts not diftant ! 2 R. " Till, 254 THE REPLY. " Till, of themfelves a part become, For Ind, I'd left my Britiſh home, And riches found and pleaſure : There, 'mid bright nature's gayeft fcene, Snug-feated in a palanquin, Been worſhip'd as earth's treaſure : " There, fhar'd the triumphs of their eyes, And call'd my own each dazzling prize, Of fuppliant lovers wooing: Their charms, myown, I'd boldly nam'd, Each new-nerv'd dimple I had claim'd, Each conqueft, thought my doing. " But ah ! who can control his fate ? My fequel❜d tale I'll brief relate, If forrow's throbs will let me; On an edg'd card denial came, Which damp'd my mafter's (dinner) flame, Who hop'd-you would have eat me?" Thus fobb'd the hapless leg of pig, And vented thus its woes fo bigl In founds ' twixt figh and chuckle : Then in its rhetoric making halt, Deep-plunging in its bed of falt, Dropt the deſpairing knuckle! Graces, to you this tale I fend ; Perufe theSquib with eyes of friend, Nor blame, ' caufe given tamely : For truly, lopp'd at heel and thigh, Like this poor joint, we fcribbling fry Should like this too-fing lamely ! Portsmouth, March 6. THE REPLY. THUS the three you call Graces, As you trot o'er verſee- paces, In flattery beating truth hollow ; Will reply, if you'll liften : First, in juſtice they chriſten Your name, not Tim Tag, but Apollo ! R. For ALACK ! ALACK ! FIELD MARSHAL MACK! 255 For all attic yourfalt is ; In your humour no halt is ; At your pen pure decorum ne'er winces : Though from a ſlain porker, Your wit is the worker Ofconquefts o'er nabobs and princes ! Though our fates, choice, or chances, Now lead us far dances, To India's alluring dominions ; Yet regret will attend, When you part with a friend, So high valu'd in all our opinions ; Whofe talents and fatire, Wit, fenfe, and good nature, Are ever found fparkling and glowing ;

• Reafon's feaft, ' neath whofe roof

Complaifance fans reproof We have met-with truth's foul ever flowing. Then farewell dear Apollo, We're hence call'd, and muft follow, To the land where thy fons are well ſeated ; Nor can hope raiſe us higher, Than thy worth, tafte, and fire, We may find to thy offspring tranſmitted. (Signed) THE fierce Marſhal Mack ALACK! ALACK ! FIELD MARSHAL MACK ! [Original.] Swore the French he would whack ; Their men hew and hack, And their cities all fack : But when prefs'd by attack, Though with Ulm at his back, EUPHROSYNE. THALIA. AGLAIA. " The feaft of reaſon and the flow of foul. " POPE. He's 256 THE RAZUNAMAH . He's done up in a crack ; Juft as if he'd the knack Of Shakspeare's fat Jack, His brogues to be ! So the coalesc'd pack Are led on by a quack, Thoughtheir brains they all rack, To take victory's tack ; In the wrong box i' fack, Bybeginning fo black, They now cry out alack ! Double d-n Marfbal Mack! Portsmouth, Nov. 1805. O'WHACK. The following is the production of a very young gen tleman of the Hon. Eaft India Company's Bengal Civil Establishment, whofe dawning talents promiſe to add his name to that of Sir W. Jones and Mr. Eyles Irwin, who (it is as ftrange as true) are the only diftinguiſhed votaries of the Oriental British Mufe upon record. The title of the following Jeu d'Eſprit is that of a deed or inftrument filed in the Zillah (district) Native Courts of Bengal, by Plaintiff or Defendant, when the fuit is withdrawn or ami cably adjusted. It has received confiderable notice. in India. THE RAZUNAMAH. BY H. T. R. ESQ. REGISTER OF MYMUNSING. [Original . ] THOHOUGH friendſhip, honour, wealth, and love, Sources ofjoys to others prove; I know a joy much warmer : 'Tis when fatigu'd by care and court, At once to cut the matter ſhort, Wefign the Razunamah. Though THE RAZUNAMAH: 257 Though factious lawyers always ftrive Tokeep debate and broils alive, I love to fee things calmer ; And as I hate the fierce difpute, My greatest joy ' s to end the fuit, And fign the Razunamah. Each thinks of courſe his cauſe is right, For Madam Juftice ftill they fight, Till almoft they alarm her : At length they find that both are wrong; And endless fuits they know ere long, So file the Razunamah. On either fide Dame Truth muſt be; To ceaſe the ftrife, if both agree ; This method fure can't harm her : Cloſe the old muity records keep, Let them enjoy eternal fleep, I'll file the Razunamah. To Peace my views are ſtill inclin'd, This great first comfort of mankind, This ſweet celeftial charmer ; Seek you to find the heav'n-born maid, Let courts and terms afide be laid, And fign the Razunamah. Arrive the day, the time fo blefs'd, When venom'd Strife fhall fink to reft, Then mummy-like embalm her ; The world fhall on her features gaze, Shrink back affrighted with amaze, And hail the Razunamah. -Bengal, 1805. SONNET ( 258 ) 0 SONNET FOR A SON'S BIRTH - DAY, AGED 21 , ABSENT ON THE INDIA CIVIL ESTABLISHMENT, SINCE 15 YEARS OLD. BY MR, ROBERDEAU *. [From the Hampſhire Telegraph and Suffex Chronicle. ] THYHY ftripling form, in faithful memory fhrin'd, Yet meets my mental fight, O fon belov'd! Where agile grace and manlineſs combin'd, And vivid wit its embryon ſparkles mov❜d. As thy mild eye (wit's harbinger) exprefs'd Impulfive fancy's faliant motley flight, And energetic glow'd thy generous breaſt With liberal rectitude's refulgent light, Youth's dawn elaps'd, thy ripen'd talents beam This day their rays on rich Hindoftan's hores ; Where Burrampooter pours its mighty ftream, And Nature, thron'd in majefty, high foars ! There, bend my prayers, exultant at thy name, Suppliant of fortune's fmiles, long life, and honour'd fame! Portſmouth. THE PUDDING. TO A SISTER. [Original. ] Youfay, my dear Sally, I cannot tell why, A ftanza or two I could write, if I try, Let the fubject you give me be just what it may; And that e'en on a Pudding I've fomething to fay. APudding, fweet Sall, I can fhew in a trice Is a fubject, of which I would fain have a flice. The Worldis a Pudding of ev'ry ingredient, Where each his own palate may fuit as expedient ; Some folk have indeed (for it muſt be confefs'd) Aflice of the Pudding too hard to digeft ;

• Author of " Fugitive Verſe and Profe," &c.

" While ON AN ANNUAL POETICAL PUBLICATION. 259 While others expert, or more cunning or quick, Contrive all the Plums and the Sweetmeats to pick. Were I but to help them, and give each his fhare, Good things they ſhould have-but they all fhould cut fair. Hafty Pudding and Cuffard our Childhood befriend ; Yorkshire Pudding and Dumpling in Youth we commend. The Sportsman, whofe fhouts make the vallies to ring, Will cry, at noon day, " Hunting Pudding ' s the thing." Old Age beft enjoys after Cuftard its nap ; And life still is cheriſh'd with infantine Pap. Thus the praiſes of Pudding we own in each ſtage, At fchool and at college, in youth and in age. Each Sunday, I hope, will our Clergy afford Roast Beefand Plum Pudding to ſmoke on the board. Good living, they tell us, the Puritan fhocks : With us the Plum Pudding is quite orthodox At Oxford, unleſs with much learning you faſt, The New College Pudding will crown the repaft. The Citizen owns, or muſt know at the leaſt, That Puddings of all forts are found at his feaſt : There's Custard, and Marrow, and Plum, and there's Tanzy, Of all which he eats full as long as he can fee. Yet a little flice more this one truth to unfold, Though I fear that my Pudding by this time is cold, That you with your mate may be fond as the dove, And want no cold Pudding tofettle your Love. T. ON AN ANNUAL POETICAL PUBLICATION. PARODIED FROM A. MARVELL'S CELEBRATED LINES ON JOHN MILTON. [Original. ] THHREE Volumes at three annual periods born, With namby-pamby verfe our fhelves adorn : The firft in paucity of wit furpafs'd ; The next in party fume ; in both the laſt. Ill-natur'd Dulneſs could no farther go ; To make a third, the join'd the former two. FRANK FLOG'EM. EPIGRAM ( 260 ) EPIGRAM. TO AN OLD GENTLEMAN NAMED PYE, WHO MARRIED HIS SERVANT. [From the Hampſhire Telegraph and Suffex Chronicle.] FRIENDPye, at thy age 't was a whim mighty odd, To be larded with paffion from Cookey's bright eye ; Unleſs in thy ear whiſper'd love's forcing God, That who well made a pudding, muſt make a good PYE. R& SONNET ON A YOUNG LADY'S EMBARKING FOR THE WALTHAMSTOW EAST INDIAMAN. BY MR. ROBERDEAU. [From the fame.] " GO, gallant fhip, and be thy fortunes fair !” Richly thou 'rt freighted for thy watʼry way ; Meeknefs and enterpriſe-accordance rare ! And roſeate modefty's foft-beaming ray; And youthful hope, chaftis'd by prudent fear ; (Mark'd " in the mind and mind-illumin'd face ! ") And fenfibility's heart-binding tear ; And refignation's pious matron grace. Oh! blow due winds propitious ! nor the jar Ofbrazen war thy beauteous charge affail ! The craſh of naval ftrife be baniſh'd far, But waft her ſmoothly to the odorate gale Where honour's ties the gentle votariſt draw, To hail pure wedded love's myſterious facred law ! Portsmouth, 1805. ? CEYLON IN

• The ſpicy fragrance of the iſland of Ceylon is perceptible to ma

riners at many leagues diftance. SYMPTOMS ( 261 ) SYMPTOMS OF OBSTINACY. DEDICATED, BY PERMISSION, TO A FRIEND'S WIFE. [Original . ] BOB had a wife, but fo perverfe, He almoſt wiſh'd her in her hearſe : To mend her temper was in vain ; Her ſpirit work'd against the grain. A-fifhing once fhe went in dudgeon, And tried the river for a gudgeon ; When reaching far to hook a bite, Plump in the fell, went down outright, Which Robin faw, but, in his fright, Could fcarcely hobble to the river, His Kate from drowning to deliver ; Yet call'd aloud for fome affiftance, When Will and Tom from no ſmall diſtance Flew to the bank, and found their maſter Quite frantic at the fad diſaſter The current was in rapid force, And with it all things went of courfe ; They therefore put their boat-hooks down, As the ftream ran, to hitch her gown ; But lower they began their fearch, Than where the ' d fallen offthe perch. "What fools you are !" exclaim'd old Robin, " Thus with the tide your hooks to bob in ; Go higher up, " faid patient Bob ; " The other were a fruitless job: Try, try above the place, where fate Thus robb'd me of my dearest Kate ; Some chance there is in ſuch a ſcheme-→→→ She ever went againſt the ftream." The fervants follow'd in a trice Their mafter's orders and advice, And found he was a knowing guide They hook'd her buffetting the tide. } T. " A HUSBAND ( 262 ) " A HUSBAND IS A GROWLING ANIMAL. " [Original. ] WHIHILE wits and wags ftill have their jokes, Or fome pert bard the Muſe invokes, To place good wives of ev'ry ſtation Below the Lords of the Creation, Allow a friend to patient merit, To wives of kindneſs, not offpirit, To trefpafs fhortly on your time, Ahomely tale to tell in rhyme. Martha was all a man could wifh Her huſband, John, a strange odd fish , Knewnot the value of his wife, But led her a moſt irkfome life; Thinking it was a huſband's right To contradict from morn to night ; And, as fhe patiently would fit To hear him fcold, or try at wit, She hop'd, but all her hopes were vain, Some gentler treatment to obtain. She foon difcover'd that her deary Was after dinner much more cheery ; And, if his palate fhe could hit, He fometimes loft the growling fit ; But theſe events were very rare ; Pat could not always, to a hair, Set a nice dinner on the table, Hot, fmoking hot, nor yet was able The time to keep, when, with the clock, Bang at the door fhe heard his knock : And now, to make the caſe quite clear, Alittle anecdote you'll hear, Proving good Martha's care at leaſt, To pleate her lawful- growling beaft. John lov'd a pudding, or a tart, But a bak'd pudding won his heart ; One day this dainty crown'd the treat, When furly John refus'd to eat : " You are not ill, ſweet love ?" cried Pat, Hopingto get him into chat. - - " Always A HUSBAND IS A GROWLING ANIMAL. 263 NE " Always bak'd pudding, never boil'd ; Enough to drive a huſband wild : 'Twas bak'd on Saturday and Sunday I ſwear I'll have it boil'd for one day. " The next day it was boil'd fo nice, She thought he'd eat it in a trice ; But the mistook her gentle ſwain, And could nor thanks nor fmiles obtain ; Suarling, he faid, ' t was downright pap, Which for the child fhe meant, mayhap. → Her little heart was full of trouble ; She boil'd one firmer, to a bubble ; And, left in this ſhe ſhould miſtake, Oneto the oven fent, to bake ; And, with the boil'd and bak'd together, Her heart grew lighter than a feather, Thinking, if one was wrong, the other Would pleafe, at leaſt prevent all pother. The growler knock'd-but, oh ! the ſcrape Poor Pat was in with fuch an ape ; The beefwas on the table plac'd, With the two little puddings grac'd ; The table-cloth was clean and white, And fhe, good foul ! thought all was right : But, ftrange that it fhould happen fo, Her little boy, who fcarce could go, Standing a moment on the table Oh, fad mishap ! -ſo ſays the fable, Had, what a nurſe, to tell th' event, Would call a little accident ; Which Pat, diftrefs'd, and full offlurry, Hid with a bafin, in her hurry : Just then the hungry hufband enter'd, And, on the beef before he ventur'd, Spies the two puddings on the board : " Can I eat both ?" exclaim'd her lord. She told him, (and the truth confefs'd , ) She meant it only for the beſt " You furely have not common ſenſe ; Beſides, you never mind expenſe." ANTILE JBRARY P Then 264 VOLUNTEERS. Then with a fneer-" In future, pray, "Dolet three puddings dance the hay." On this the lifts the bafin up, And fhews what ' s underneath the cup. John feem'd as if he felt difgrace, And hardly look'd in Martha's face ; But burstinto a fit of laughter, And ſeldom growl'd from that day after. LINES SUGGESTED ON SEEING A PARAGRAPH CONCERNING LADY WHO TURNED AWAY HER SERVANT FOR REFUS ING TO ATTEND ON HER, WHILE RIDING HER DONKEY THROUGH THE STREETS OF BRIGHTON. [From the Lewes Journal .] ET Billy tax the uſeful horſe, Or that which runs o'er Brighton Courſe; Untax'd I'll ride and fing this fong, Come John, and whip my afs along! LE Let fweet Sir Fribble laugh and joke me, And country bumpkins grin and ſmoke me ; Untax'd I'll ride, and fing this fong, Come John, and whip my aſs along ! Theirjeers I mind not as a ruſh, Myveil will hide the maiden bluſh ; I'll ſtill ride on, and fing this fong, Come John, and whip my afs along! T. VOLUNTEERS. [From the Morning Chronicle.] A MR. EDITOR, WEHETHER the volunteer fyftem be effective or ufelefs, is a queftion which has long been agi tated, and about which there are ſo many different opinions, that I fhall not prefume to interfere with it. The object of this fhort epiftle is not to blameor VOLUNTEERS. 265 or praiſe the gentlemen in their military capacity, but merely to ftate one advantage which has arifen to the public from their appearance ; and I am the more inclined to do this, becauſe the advantage I allude to has arisen from a circumftance which once formed a very ftrong objection against the volunteers, and was a fertile topic of ridicule ; and becauſe this affords another inftance to the many upon record, of good proceeding out of evil. You may remember, Sir, that it was ſtrongly ob jected to the volunteers, that they had affumed a gaudy holiday drefs, and that they had made the titles of Co lonel, Major, and Captain, very cheap and common. Now, Sir, it fo happens, that out of thefe evils, if, indeed, they be evils, a great benefit has arifen to a moſt important clafs of His Majeſty's ſubjects, I mean thefairfex; for by perpetually beholding the gaudy uniforms of the volunteers, and continually hearing the titles of Colonel, Major, and Captain bandied about in every houfe and every ftreet, every fhop and every hop, the fcarlet colour and the military title have loft all that dangerous influence they had in former days, when it is well known a cockade and a faſh were among the ftrongeſt temptations that could be prefented to the dear creatures, and when the approach of a regiment to a town was a fignal for all wife men to lock up their wives and daughters. But now, fo common are thefe things become, and fuch is the weakness of impreffions which are too often repeated, that the names of Colonel, Major, and Captain, fcarce occafion the fmalleft flutteration, and the red coat is viewed with as little danger as the brown frock. Even the tremendous hats have loft their influence on tender hearts, and boarding-fchool miffes ceafe to be " pleaſed with a feather." Whatever objections, therefore, may be made to the volunteer fyftem, Lthink it but fair that the good VOLL IX. N they 266 PROFANE SWEARING. they have done fhould be mentioned, whether inten tional or accidental. The fact is the fame, and it is a memorable fact in the hiftory of our morals, that our young ladies return from our moft fplendid Re views with hearts as whole as if they returned from Church ; and that, although our volunteer regiments have done permanent duty in the villages within ten or fifteen miles of London, no perceptible increaſe of population has arifen therefrom. I am, Sir, yours, &c. Oct. 10. AN OBSERVER. MR. PITT AND AN ASSEMBLY. UST as a tortur'd finner dies Whoſe deeds can't bear inſpection, Pitt for a diffolution fighs, JUST But fears a refurrection. PROFANE SWEARING. [From the Morning Chronicle . ] " And muſt they all be hang'd that ſwear ? -Every one. And who muft hang them ?" SHAKSPEARE, SIR, YOURpious readers will be happy to learn that the acts against profane fwearing, which they heard laft Sunday from the pulpit, have already been attended with the happieſt effects. The virtuous body of com mon informers, who endure odium, and fometimes the pump, for the fake of public morals, and who were fo cruelly ufed by the magiftrates in the late affair of the title-pages, have quite recovered their fpirits, and are induſtriouſly applying to this new branch of their vocation. The reform has very properly commenced with the playhouſe. Two performers, called Barrymore and Holland, PROFANE SWEARING. 267 "" Holland, were taken up yesterday ; the former on a charge of exclaiming publicly in Drury Lane Theatre, "Damnyourpig;" and the other, " Damn your prune fauce. They in vain attempted to juftify, by ſtating that the words occur in a play written by one Gold fmith, now deceaſed, and were not uſed by them pro fanely, but in the way of their bufinefs . Upon con viction, the informer infifted on the five-fhilling fine, in refpect the words were ufed in the character of gen tlemen ; but the juftice, knowing that the prifoners could not by any poffibility reprefent gentlemen, in flicted only the fhilling penalty. Sir Jofeph Banks has been communicating with Lord Thurlow on the fubject, who takes it ill that an exception had not been made in behalf of Privy Coun fellors, and others of high rank and diftinction . For his own part, he thinks the liberty of fwearing is the birthright of an Englishman, and an evacuation as neceffary to health as any other. It is very eafy for fnivelling fpcech-makers like Pitt to enact laws againſt fwearing and fornication, and to obey them too ; but it is as impoffible to preferve the fpirit of the peo ple without fwearing, as their breed without women. And he will have it that it is tyranny to expect that a man fhould pay taxes now-a-days without an oath or two. Sir Jofeph hopes his fervants will prove trufty, elfe a fit of the gout will be the ruin ofhim. It is fuppofed we owe this very feaſonable exertion of the law againft profanity to the piety of old George Rofe ; for thofe that afcribe it to the Rev. Rowland Hill, forget that Rowland makes as free, in his pulpit, with hell-fire and damnation as any body ; and if Mr. Butterfield were not of his communion, would be as much in danger of being himfelf taken up. Whereas old George, ever fince he efcaped drowning, has fhewn a remarkably religious turn, fays grace regularly, fends his maid fervants to church, and, it is faid, has N 2 made 268 PROFANE SWEARING. made propofals to Henry Thornton and Mr. Wilber force to be admitted into their private praying par ties. It is certain, however, that the fublime idea of root- . ing out oaths from the whole army and navy, can have emanated only from the combined wifdom of Mr. Pitt and Lord Melville. I can fcarcely refrain from making fome rapturous exclamations here, which might coft me a fhilling apiece. But, in ſober lan guage, let me aſk if any thing can fhew more judgment, or more ofthat intimate knowledge of mankind which the late Lord Kenyon afferted for himſelf, than this noble undertaking ? To root out fwearing from the navy ! Sir, I do not find that Lord St. Vincent, among all his plans of reform, ever imagined any thing fo neceffary and fo arduous. To fome it will appear as difficult as to pay navy bills without a private banker ; and it is very probable that not one poſt captain out of ten thinks it practicable. Very well, let them think fo , or even let us admit it to be fo. But let them confider that if the failors will fwear, they must pay for it. Here are two ſtrings that might fatisfy the gentle Caftlereagh himſelf. Such a fcheme of religion on the one hand, and finance on the other, has not hitherto been known. Yet, how plain, how infallible ! Juft let us reflect a moment. Suppofe each man in the navy and army to fwear only once a day, at an average (a fuppofition not unreaſonable) , and taking. the number of feamen only at one hundred thousand, and the land forces, agreeably to Lord Caftlereagh's eftimate, at fix times as many, and all at a fhilling a man, to fay nothing of the officers :-you fee, Sir, the thing is prodigious ! Let not the difaffected talk of the difficulty of col lecting the duty. It is only letting each fhip and re giment to farm, as they do the districts under the horfe PROFANE SWEARING. 269 horfe - tax. Perhaps, indeed, it may be reckoned fevere upon the volunteers to be fubjected to this fpecies of difcipline, becauſe the fight of ſo many informers might frighten them into abfolute filence when on duty ; an effect which nothing has ever yet produced, and which would undoubtedly aftonifh, if it fhould not alarm , Lord Harrington and the infpecting officers. But, on the other hand, it is to be confidered that the vo lunteers are not yet quite ready to fall into the huge round oaths which the regulars and the navy ufe ; and it is certain they have liberality enough to com pound for a fhilling a day in lieu of petty fwearing, which is all that I require of them . Mr. Canning, who is apt to push a point as far as it will go, entirely drops the religious confideration, and will fee nothing but the financial ; and nothing will fatisfy him but to make the regulation a teft -of loyalty and patriotifm ; fo that the man who has paid at the end of the year the greateſt number of fines for fwearing, fhall be held the moft truft-worthy. On* the other hand, thoſe who have any reluctance to the thing itſelf, or to pay the money, fhould be very nar rowly watched, and ftimulated or provoked to curfe, for the good of the Treaſury, by informers, who fwear what is called a round hand, and who ſhall themſelves be exempt from the penalty in confideration of the fervices they render. At first the faints were rather ſtartled with this lively doctrine ; but on confideration they fee it is not far remote from the fyftem of the Society for fup preffing Vice, who in their zealous defire to put down b-dy prints, employed the worſt men they could find, to feduce the wicked dealer, by lies and falfe pre tences, to furnish evidence against himſelf. Surely, at this time of day, we are not going to difpute the principle, that the goodnefs of the end fanctifies N 3 the 270 PROFANE SWEARING. the means. Nay, a man fo virtuous and fo pure as to be canonized in the hearts of a whole nation may justly be attacked, even in the fanctuary of the tomb, and blackened with foul flander and lies, if it can ferve the purpofe of the godly. If I had but the pen of the worthy and religious Mr. John Bowles, as I am fure I have his good wifhes, I could put this point in fo ftrong a light, that the Chairman of the India Com pany himſelfwould admit it . But, after all, I will allow that a great deal ſtill re mains to be done before the fwearing fyftem can be rendered complete. In particular, a claffification and arrangement of oaths and curfes, according to their intensity or degree of profanenefs, feems defirable. For although people reconcile themſelves to be hanged for a fhilling as foon as for a larger fum, yet men will always fancy a difference between the old formula of " Damn your eyes, and the more moderu one of " Damn my wig." Or, to take the more familiar ex ample of a man curfing the Minifter when he is called upon for a new tax, you would admit that "Apox upon Pitt" is not fo bad as " The devil take Pitt ; " and for this reaſon, that the latter may, and moſt probably will, take effect, whereas the former is impoffible. " Now what I would humbly propofe is, a table of all dimenfions, with a regular tariff of the rates at which they may be feverally fworn ; by which means every man may fuit himfelf to his own fancy and the ftate of his purfe. I am fenfible of the difficulty ofthe tafk; but it is fo important, that I trust the public fpirit of the above-mentioned Society will induce them to undertake it. O&. II. SWEARING ( 271 ) SWEARING TAX. [From the fame.] MR. EDITOR, I October 12, 1805. PERUSED the article on the above fubject in your paper of yeſterday, with all the edification which the ingenious author propoſed in writing it. But I fufpect he has been " ploughing with my heifer;" for, if my memory does not deceive me, I had the honour to propofe a tax on fwearing in your paper, during the laft war ; when, upon many accounts, the article promifed to be very productive, as there were circumftances in the conduct of that war, which, to fay the leaft, would have made any man fwear. I do not, however, complain of your correfpondent for tak ing the bufinefs out of my hands, as, very unlike other propofers of taxes, I had no interefted view in it, and no defign, but what I truſt we have in common, the advancement of the revenue. I fhall, therefore, fince your correfpondent has revived the fubject, con tent myſelf with fuggefting a few particulars, in which, perhaps, there will be no great difference of opinion, except in one article, and that I fhall begin with. I beg leave, then, totally to difagree with your cor -refpondent in impofing this tax on the gentlemen of the army and navy ; for in thofe departments the ad vantages of fwearing have been fully proved by all experience, and I am much averfe to any additional burdens on the neceffaries of life. Befides, even if the expediency of fwearing in the army and navy fhould be denied, I really think that our foldiers and -failors are entitled to every exemption we can afford ; nor do I fee how a man who has but a fhilling a-day, and may want to fwear ten times in that fpace, can at all afford any more ftoppages. With the failors, the cafe would be ſtill worfe ; fwearing would not only anti N 4 cipate 272 SWEARING TAX . cipate all their pay, but I will venture to fay there is not a man of them who would not fwear away all the prize-money he is entitled to (according to the ufual divifion of that article) in the drinking of a glafs of grog, and perhaps be in arrears to the fwearing fund long before his agent paid him his fhare. No, Sir ; I am clear that thefe two departments must be allowed. to go on in the old way; we have already exempted them from the hair- powder tax, and why not exempt them alfo in this article ? Still, however, as I am aware that I am ftriking off an immenfe item from your correfpondent's ways and means, I will fo far meet him half way, as to propofe, in the new Act, that the above exemption fhall be ftrictly confined, in the cafe of failors, to the time they are on board of ſhip, and in the cafe of foldiers, to the hours that they are in the field. The former can be liable to no mistake ; and as to foldiers, the rule might be, that all oaths are taxable except in full uniform. This will greatly facilitate the bufinefs of informers, as no offender will be able to claim ex emption who is guilty of fwearing out of his regimen tals ; and hence alfo officers at Brighton, Margate, or any other places of amuſement, will be as liable to pay as others. With refpect to the volunteers, there feems little reafon to make any diſtinction . As far as I have lif tened to the language of field-days, I must do them the juftice to ſay, that in general they go through the fwearing part with all the precifenefs of regulars ; and it affords fome hope of their fuccefs when they fhall be called into real fervice, that you hear no fham-fwearing among them. With refpect to our theatrical performers, fome fmall latitude may be allowed, in cafes where the oaths or curfes are fo old as to come fairly under the ftatute of limitation. Thofe of Congreve, Farquhar, Van brugh, SWEARING TAX. 273 brugh, &c. feem to be clearly of this kind. But in cafes where performers take liberties with their au thor, which we know they are extremely apt to do, they ought to be accountable, and pay at the rate of extempore fwearing. Thus, in the inftance mentioned by your correfpondent, if the performer, inſtead of faying, "Damn your pig," chooſes to introduce a new reading, and fay, " Damn your pig's face, " he ought certainly to pay accordingly, however apropos this may be to the perfon he is addreffing. But I own, Mr. Editor, my great dependance is on civil fwearing ; and from what I obferved during the laft war, I am convinced the preſent will afford fuch provocatives, as, if duly affeffed, will bring in a pro digious fum to the revenue. What with expeditions, fubfidies, and a war extended to every part of Europe, with a Miniftry fo able and efficient as we are now bleffed with, I fhould fuppofe that every day's intel ligence in our own papers, and every Hamburgh mail and foreign difpatch, will occafion a confumption of oaths beyond all precedent, not to fpeak of the price of provifions, lift of captures at Lloyd's, and other cafualties, which would provoke a Saint, or, in the vulgar phrafe, make a Bishop fwear. With refpect to the mode of collection, I agree with your correfpondent, that it requires very ferious deliberation. Perhaps it might be by way of licenſe ; or a fchedule might be fent round, as in the property tax, defiring each houſekeeper and lodger to fpecify the number and nature of the oaths he means to fwear (taking them on an average of three years paft) , and ftating the number of perfons in his houfe liable to fwear, with the ufual exemptions of wife and chil dren ; ftating likewife what oaths he fwears on his own account, and what on the partnership account ; diftinguiſhing likewife between thofe he confumes in the town-houfe, and thofe upon his landed property; N 5 Specifying 274 SWEARING SYSTEM. ſpecifying alfo what intereft he may have in d-ning the three per cents confolidated, the omnium, or any other fpecies of Government fecurities ; how much he fwears on his perfonal account, and how much as agent or broker. But this I leave to the confideration of your correfpondent, and am, Sir, Your humble fervant, JUSJURANDUM. SWEARING SYSTEM. [From the fame. ] MR. EDITOR, I WAS very much pleafed with fome improvements on the Swearing Syftem of Finance, fuggefted by one ofyour correfpondents ; but he does not feem to be aware of the extent to which this admirable ſcheme may be carried. It is well known what an ample revenue Pope Leo X. drew from the fale of indul gences. Now, as the principle of our fwearing fyf tem, and that of indulgences, is the fame, namely, that of making mankind pay for their fins, it may be proper that the former fhould be put on the fame footing as the latter. The advantage that would attend fuch a regulation muft at once be obvious to every . As the matter now ftands, the produce of the tax cannot be collected without great difficulty, while at the fame time it must be extremely partial in its operation. one. The informers, however laudable and praiſeworthy their zeal, cannot poffibly fucceed in detecting more than a very ſmall portion of the oaths that are fworn, and their exertions muft in a great meaſure be con fined to the poorer claffes, whofe fhilling penalties will amount only to a trifling fum, after deducting the neceffary expenfes. Now, in order to give the fyftem its full effect, it would be a plan worthy of Mr. Pitt's great i TAX ON PRAYING. 275 great financial abilities to appoint different offices all over the three kingdoms, where licenfes for fwearing might be fold, in the fame manner as licenfes for felling beer. All thoſe who could afford to pay before hand would make out licenfes, rather than ftand the chance of being haraffed by informers, whofe labours would thus be confined to a ſphere comparatively nar row, but fufficiently extenfive to afford them full em ployment. The money would thus come to the Trea fury almoſt clear of expenfe, and afford the means of fetting on foot many catamaran projects. The li cenfes muft of courſe be drawn up with oaths of all forts, differing both in nature and number ; and each perfon will purchaſe fuch a one as fuits his own cir cumftances. It may be proper to make every one find fecurity that he will not, for the ſpace of one twelvemonth, exceed the number and degree of the oaths fpecified in the licenfe, without having it en larged . This is a moft happy fource of revenue, when the objects of taxation have been almoft exhaufted. To carry the fyftem a little farther, it might be proper to fell licenfes for fornication too-but all in good time. LEO. TAX ON PRAYING. [From the fame.] MR. EDITOR, HAVE obferved, with a great deal of pleaſure, the laudable efforts of your correfpondents to affift the Minifter (God knows, poor man, he wants affiftance) in his ways and means. The tax on Swearing he will find alnroft ready digefted to his hands. Willing to contribute my fhare to fuch patriotic labours, I would humbly propofe a tax on Praying, which I N 6 will I 276 TAX ON PRAYING. will venture to fay, will not be much lefs productive than the other. Let not your pious readers be ſtartled .. This will be fo far from operating as a difcouragement to piety, that it will powerfully contribute to bring it into fashion . People, efpecially faſhionable people, undervalue what can be had at a cheap rate. But let there be a price fixed upon praying, and the weſt end of the town will carry the palm of piety from the city. Now, Sir, the events of the war will afford abun dant provocation to pray as well as fwear, particularly if our affairs fhould remain in the hands ofthe prefent fingle-nofed Cabinet. We may, perhaps, hear of ano ther catamaran project, and then " Lord have mercy upon us !" will refound from one end of the kingdom to the other, to the great advantage of the revenue. Perhaps we may have another parith bill, and then " Good Lord deliver us !" will be uttered by every mouth with extraordinary fervour. Then what an ample fource of revenue will flow from continental blunders and thus our very misfortunes will be turned to advantage. Praying and fwearing often go hand in hand, and when a good foul has uttered an oath at a piece of bad news, he will add a prayer to it, " God forgive me for fwearing," or fome fuch qualifying expreffion, which will render him liable to a double penalty. I fhall ftop here till I fee how you like my plan, leaving the confideration of how the tax is to be collected, what exemptions are to be allowed, with other matters of detail, to a future opportunity. PIUS. NEW ( 277 ) NEW MODE OF CORRESPONDING. [From the fame. ] MR. EDITOR, IN your paper of Saturday you inform us that a member of the Celtic Academy of Paris has difco vered a method by which any two people may corre fpond and converſe, without underftanding each other's language. You add, that " it has been approved by the Academy, and will foon be made public." Now, Sir, without detracting from the ingenuity of our lively neighbours, I hope I may be permitted to doubt whether this method deferves the name of a dif covery. It appears to me, that the art of converfing without understanding each other's language, has been long practifed, and by fome of the moft diftinguifhed perfonages in Europe. Was it not practifed in a moſt wonderful manner, when the first confederacy ap peared againſt France in 1792 ? Did it not continue to be the approved mode of communication between the Allies during the whole of that war ? And was it not even practifed at the treaty of Luneville, and the peace of Amiens ? Nay, are we not now about to reap the fruits of the art of converfing without under Standing each other ? As to politicians of our own country, I might ap peal to twenty volumes of the Parliamentary Regiſter, for a thouſand inftances of fpeeches and correfpondence between minifters and people, in which it is as plain as noon-day, that the parties did not underſtand each other's language, and yet went on for years in a friendly correfpondence, very much, I have no doubt, to the benefit of one of the parties-I don't fay which. I might alfo appeal to controverfial writers of all kinds ; and I might afk whether controverfies which lafted for years, would have lafted a week, had the par ties understood each other's language ? I am inclined, therefore, to deprive the ingenious member 278 THE COLONEL'S DISASTer. member of the Celtic Academy of the honours ofthe invention, at the fame time that I allow the Academy will do a good and a wife thing, if they make the art public. For want of knowing this art, and confe quently being on our guard againft it, the people of this country have been very great fufferers, and not a few figures have been added to our national debt. But, Mr. Editor, after all, it will remain to be confidered how far it may be proper in great minifters to speak to be understood. One, at leaſt, of them, I am fure will be against fuch an innovation ; and were he even induced by any exifting circumftances to ap prove ofthe meaſure, he muft, from long practice of another kind, be extremely awkward. I rather think, that, while he fecretly approves the method of the in genious Frenchman, he will be among the first to pre vent its being made public. I am, Sir, yours, Oct. 4. P. P. THE COLONEL'S DISASTER. ADDRESSED TO MRS. T BOLD lady ! fo juftly renown'd for your riding, Kill-Devil's own fifter fo fearlefs beftriding, Who at York, neck and neck, with Frank Buckle came through ; While the Gemmen all wiſh'd themſelves Kill- Devils too ; Your Colonel-Lud bleſs us ! the deuce muſt be in ' t, Is fuffering the horſewhip of ftrong Mafter Flint--- One of Crowder's beft whips, moft inhumanly fhaken, Moft fiercely laid on, and-moft patiently taken ! But think, gallant Colonel, in fuch an attack, How unpleafing a whip to a gentleman's back: And before you again furpriſe the beholders, Place your lady's fair petticoat round your own fhoulders. From the fable of old this fafe armour rely on For the afs once efeap'd in theskin of the lion. VICAR OF BRAY. WOODEN ( 279 ) WOODEN WIT. AYOUNG man boafting of his health and confti tutional ftamina very lately, in the hearing of Wewitzer the player, was aſked to what he chiefly attributed fo great a happineſs ? " To what, Sir ? To laying in a good foundation, to be fure. I make it a point, Sir, to eat a great deal every morning.' " Then I prefume, Sir," remarked Wewitzer, you ufually breakfaſt in a timber-yard. ” "2 66 BON MOT. THEHE delightful villa of Payne's Hill, in Surrey, we underſtand, has recently been purchaſed by the Earl of Carhampton. This beautiful feat once af forded Mr. Burke an opportunity of fporting an ex quifite bon mot. Being in company, at a rout, with the celebrated Mrs. Payne, now Lady Lavington, he was afked by her for the Engliſh of Mons Veneris ; to which Mr. Burke, in an elegant ftrain of com pliment and gallantry, replied, “ Payne's Hill, Madam !" ANOTHER. MR. T , whoſports a tandem which much an noys the gemmen of the whip, from unfkilful ufage, being attacked by an old experienced Jehu, violently exclaimed, " Get out of the way, you rafeal ; I drive blood."-"That may be," replied mafter Whip, giving him a fcientific cut ; " but you fee, Sir, I let blood EPIGRAM ( 280 ) EPIGRAM ON A BEAUTIFUL SATIRICAL YOUNG LADY, WHO SUD DENLY LOST THE ENAMEL OF HER TEETH. NOTlong ago, without defect, Thy mouth, with rows of pearl bedeck'd, Did with perfection vie : ah ! fad reverſe of fate, But now, They ' ve loft their bright enamell'd ſtate, And let me tell you why. Perhaps you think I cannot tell, You look fo handſome and fo well, And are fo full of fun : But, lady fair, I'vefeen the thief, Who ftole th' enamel off your teeth The venom ofyour tongue ! Judd Place Eaft. THE LUCKY MOMENT. [Original ] O Cælia thus fond Damon ſaid, a carpet " And then her hand he prefs'd ; " Free from the world's intruding eye, Here lurks, my dear, no buſy ſpy : " He look'd and figh'd the reſt. She ſtarted with a feign'd furpriſe, While pleaſure ſparkled in her eyes, " Sure Danion does not mean The fhepherd ſtopp'd her with a kifs, And clafp'd her panting breaft to his " My dear, we are not feen. ” Then with a thoufand kiffes more, Athouſand tender oaths he fwore, His love fhould never end : She call'd on all the pow'rs above, None heard her but the god of love, And he was Damon's friend. R. C. " What! COCKLE SAUCE. 281 " What ! is there then no help," ſhe ſaid, " To be by Damon's vows betray'd ?" Then hung her head, and bluſh'd : " O Damon, Damon ! yet be good :" The fhepherd figh'd, and fwore he would ; She figh'd-and all was huſh'd ! COCKLE SAUCE. SCENA Betwixt a learned SERJEANT, the JUDGE, and CRAB the Fisherman, at a late Affize, on a Trial refpecting the Right of a Fiſhery. SERJEANT. ΑΝND fo, my friend, this fifhery you rent, And clear your fifty-ha ! or cent. per cent. ? Befides of turbot now and then a diſh, Now tell us- don't you love a bit of fiſh ? ANON. Taken down in Short-hand by JONAS SOWWELL, of Cardiff, in South Wales. [From the Lewes Journal . ] CRAB. Why ay ! when qualified with punch a glaſs ; But give me lobſter-damn your Cockle fauce. SERJEANT. My Lord, your leave I humbly crave t' imparle it * ! The fellow's rude, I pray commit the varlet ! JUDGE. Serjeant, you've made a moſt egregious blunder ; You raiſe a ſtorm, then beg I'd quell the thunder ; You're on your dunghill-flap your wings and crow, At him again-and give him qui pro quo.

• To imparle is to crave, time, in order to confer together, and en deavour to adjuft matters amicably, without further fuit. The Ser jeant applied, it may be prefumed, to Crab, to apologize for what he had retorted ; and an apology having been refufed, he then folicits his commitment.

SERJEANT. 282 COCKLE SAUCE. • SERJEANT. Is 't then, my Lord, permitted ftupid blocks Should counfel grave fet up for laughing- ſtocks ? The cockles hot of this confounded railer Scald deeper than warm Tragedy the tailor * ; Some vollied thimbles, others hurl'd theirſhears, And e'en had nearly cropt poor Dowton's ears. Alas ! I've none to hurl, there lies the grief, Unleſs I level at his head my brief. JUDGE. I'll give my counfel, as from friend to friend Such meaſure I by no means recommend : 1 fpeak my fentiments, devoid of flattery, He'd bring his action of affault and battery. In vain you plead you were at times infanus, Or, molliter impofuifti manus +; No plea you urge would fhield from the juft fury Of a difcriminating Britiſh jury. I grieve to fay, counſel fo rude are grown, Awitnefs fift in fuch imperious tone, With terms fo grofs degrade the legal lecture, In language Billingsgate fo rail and hector, To fee, I've often been imprefs'd with fears, Their three-tail'd perukes box'd about their ears. Were I a witness, ( clofer lend an ear, I do not wish that all the world fhould hear,) When counfel, fteering wide from all decorum, With language rude difgrace the Britiſh forum, Of course I fhould indulge them in their fport, And patient wait till cryer 'd clear'd the court ; And then, with nervous brachium mafculinum, Retort with argumentum baculinum ‡ . Oct. 28.

• See page 245.

To lay hands gently on another is, in fome cafes, allowable ; nor will it fubject the party to the confequences of an action for affault and battery. Thus a churchwarden or beadle may juſtify laying hands on another to turn him out of the church, and prevent his diſturbing the congregation. + Club law. DEFENDIT ( 283 ) DEFENDIT NUMERUS. [From the Morning Chronicle. ] MR. EDITOR, THEHE ftrange defence, or defences, which the friends of a Noble Lord are employed in bringing for ward, however injudicious, will naturally tend to re mind the public ofthe order of precedency eſtabliſhed among the inferior claffes of depredators ; and I know no other purpoſe they can anſwer. From the meaneft petty larceny to the fwindler in his phaeton, who affumes the name of Colonel, Lord, or Duke, there is a gradation of pride which fupports each clafs, with a certain quantum of contempt for its inferior-and fometimes with an honeft ambition to reach a higher rank ; and, inſtead of being huddled amongthe trials not worth recording, be ftared at by a crowded Old Bailey, and honoured by a portrait in the print-fhops. The filcher of door-mats and fcrapers looks up to the fuperior adroitnefs ofthe pickpocket ; and the pick pocket longs for the day when, affociating with the Jervants of fome indulgent mafter, he may break into the houſe and the bureau, and fupply the melting fhops with bullion. The houfebreaker, emboldened by fuccefs, would difplay his courage on the highway; and the highwayman, tired of a conteft in which it is poffible he may be either fhot or hanged, devotes his leifure moments to the ftudy of commerce, forms con nexions at Liverpool, Briſtol, and London, and iffues his paper, in hopes that when he obtains the dif count he may hear no more of it ; and to prevent his name from being injured, very judiciously fupplies himſelfwith a commodity of various names and firms. At length, tired of borrowing money, he undertakes to lend it, and becomes a peculator upon a large and extenſive ſcale . 1 Accufe 284 SUPPRESSION OF THE CHAPLAINS' TABLE Accufe any one of theſe, and you will find he fcreens himſelf by an appeal to his brethren . Defendit nu merus. He afks, would you be fo mad as to inquire into theſe petty matters ? You will overturn the whole fyftem ; no man will be fafe , for all do the like. Then as a palliative to their own honour, the fwindler tells you he is no highwayman nor footpad ; the foot pad pleads that he difturbs no man's fleep by breaking into his houfe at night ; the houfebreaker is happy to think he never picked a pocket ; and the pickpocket hanks G-d he never defcended ſo low as to fteal pint pots and door-fcrapers. I have taken for examples the very loweft on this fcale. Let the defenders I allude to proceed higher, and inform us whether peculation is to be eſtimated by quantity or quality, or at what precife fum honefty ends, and t'other thing begins. I am, Sir, yours, Oct. 31. ON THE SUPPRESSION OF THE CHAPLAINS' TABLE AT ST. JAMES'S. [From the Oracle. ] THE Mufe who unfhackled fo recently dar'd Sing the feafts which both patriots and parfons had fhar'd *, A SCALEMAKER. Reverfing her fubject, now fings the difmay And forrows of parfons for feafts ta'en away. The cloth, for the Cloth of St. James's, ' t is faid, Is deftin'd, alas ! never more to be laid ; And thofe feats which have flouriſh'd for centuries paſt, Are doom'd to eternal deſtruction at laſt ! Oh ! had my Lord Steward but heard the demurs Of Divinity Doctors and Reverend Sirs, Whofe logical fermons furpafs all belief, When they preach in defence of-Madeira and beef,

• Alluding to fome lines on the coalition dinners, &c. &c. by the fame author. See page 84.

He AT ST. JAMES's. 285 He never had pafs'd the unfeeling decree, Lamented by chaplains, their friends- and by me ; For I, though a layman, have tafted the ſweets Of thoſe moſt delicious canonical treats ; And now, if requir'd, I am ready and willing To fwear I ne'er din'd half fo well for—afhilling *. Muft Gape t, with mouth open, for provender pine, And Fountain + have only pure water for wine ? Muft Burton + no longer imbibe Burton ale ? Legge find neither legs of freſh mutton, nor ftale ? Muft Glae find the glaſſes all empty-and Small † Find dinners notfmaller, but nothing at all ? And Doiley †, poor fellow ! difcover at laſt No doileys are ever requir'd at a faſt ? Perhaps my Lord Steward may think a divine Should preach in a pulpit-not over his wine : But ftill, I confeſs, it ſeems rather obdurate To give royal chaplains no more than a curate. Thrice ten pounds per annum ' s a ftipend fo ſmall, I doubt if he'll find any chaplains at all. Now who is to own the epifcopal plate, Will be a fine fubject for legal debate : Some think that the forty-eight chaplains ſhould ſhare it, That is, if the ruler of England will ſpare it : While others contend, that the Biſhops who gave it, Their heirs or executors only fhould have it ; Since the cauſe of their giving the gift is no more, Th' effect muft the gift to the givers reſtore. The former thus argue : the plate, ' t is agreed on, Was doubtlessly giv'n for chaplains to feed on; And therefore they think (fhould there be no prevention) By taking it home they ' ll fulfil that intention." Methinks, my Lord Steward, the chaplains are right, And hope you will not their ftrong arguments flight ; Though robb'd of their dinners by you, or by fate, 'T will be doubly hard if they 're robb'd of-their plate. GRUB.

• It was cuftomary for every viſitor to give the perfon who waited a

fhilling. + Names of chaplains. EGYPTIAN ( 286 ) EGYPTIAN FASHIONS. [From the Morning Chronicle. ] MR. EDITOR, IT is my misfortune to be a woman without any tafte, and to be married to a very honeft man who has a great deal too much. Since this curfed Egyp tian ſtyle came into faſhion *, I have never had a mo ment's comfort. Every thing in and out of the houſe is tranfmogrified ; and I fincerely believe if I fret my felf to death, in fpite of all the ridicule caft on Mr. Vanbutchel, my huſband would have a fatisfaction in making me into a mummy. Every article of furni ture, from the parlour to the garret, muft look as if it was manufactured by a cabinet-maker at Memphis or Cairo three thoufand years ago. My eldeft boy rides on a fphynx inftead of a rocking- horfe, and myyoungeſt has a pap-boat inthe fhape of a crocodile . My huf band has built a water- clofet in the form of a pyramid, and has his ſhirts marked with a lotus. Hetalks in his A rage for Egyptian furniture and ornaments had feized the faſhionable world at that time, and fii : continues. Our dafhing car riages are no longer to be lighted by a plain travelling lamp, but a Pharos ; our three-cornered opera hats are to be dignified by the ap pellation of Deltas ; and our houfes are to be adorned with Pompey's Pillars. Among the ladies , the Chriftian names of Rofitta, Alexandria, &c. will become faſhionable, and our dames of the ton will fit down in their morning apartments to execute their fanciful needle-work with Cleopatra's Needles. The pyramid head- drefs is to be introduced with the new year, and the bofoms of the fair are to be covered with la byrinth fhawls and kerchiefs. The crocodile and ichneumon are to be united in one decoration , as the fymbol of fashionable conjugal feli city. The hair is to be ornamented with the phynx and the lotus, and all genteel notes of invitation are to be written upon papyrus ; let ters and curiofities, of any kind, are no longer to be kept in the fecre taries and cabinets, but in the catacombs ; andſpring water, at a fashion able villa, is to be drawn from Jacob's Well. " Natron (melling-bottles, Coptic knife- cafes, Bedouin tooth-picks, Arabian fciffars, Mameluke vefts, ferpent broaches, and a thouſand other allufive trinkets, will be univerfal. fleep 4 EGYPTIAN INSCRIPTIONS. 287 fleep of Ibis, Apis, and Sir Apis, and God knows what other heathen names, who, he tells me, were more celebrated in Egypt than Lord Nelfon or Sir Sydney Smith. Sir Apis was probably a Baronet of that country ; but nobody, I am fure, ever heard ofthe other gentlemen. We have bulls' feet, or cows' feet, to all our old claw- tables ; and he has ftuck in the hall a plaifter- of-paris figure of an old gentleman with lap pets on his head, whom he calls Ofiris : the children's nurfes crawl up the back ftairs every night for fear of feeing him. My eldeft girl's mufic-mafter is turned away, becauſe he could not teach her to play on the fiftrum, a thing like a horfe-fhoe.. If our fteward writes us word from the country of a flood that has carried off half the dead ftock of a farm, my huſband tells me the overflowing of the Nile is the bleffing of Egypt ; and we are to have a coach built in the fpring with black, red, and brown pan nels, and covered with hieroglyphics. For my part, I know not where this folly is to end; butthis I know, that I have already felt more of the plagues of Egypt than ever I heard were fuffered before, and fincerely lament that all the architects and cabinet- makers of that country did Lot form a part of Pharaoh's hoft when he was croffing the Red Sea. I remain, Mr. Editor, Though in much diftrefs of mind, Your very fincere admirer, PRISCILLA PLAINSTITCH. EGYPTIAN INSCRIPTIONS. [From the Oracle. ] SIR, I HAVE the honour to be an Irish gentleman, of Milefian defcent ; by profeffion a painter. Atten tion to the fublimer branches of the art too long withheld 288 EGYPTIAN INSCRIPTIONS. withheld me from feeking encouragement in the pro fitable ones. When I was compelled to fet about working for a clean fhirt and a fhoulder of mutton, I know not how it was, but though I tried every thing from portrait-painting to ſketching ornamental de figns for the bookfellers, every thing by which I had heard that a guinea was to be got, yet not one guinea could I gain. For theſe four years-O ye gods, what a debaſement ! -I have been under the painful necef fity of earning my bread by fign-painting. I have earned it with difficulty, becauſe I have been often unable to hide my indignation when this or that cock ney of a fhopkeeper propofed to me to employ my pencil upon his falfe fpellings, or ridiculouſly pun ning emblems. But it was not till within thefe few weeks that I faw myſelf in danger of being reduced to the very extremity of diftrefs . You cannot have failed to ob ferve that a new fpecies of lettering makes its appearance over many fhop-doors. Some of the good gentlemen within will tell you, with the air of being men of taſte, that it is the Grecian ; fome, with looks of pro found fagacity, that it is the Egyptian. It is, how ever, nothing but that old, awkward, fcarce legible Gothic lettering in bas - relief, which occurs on the tomb-ftones in many of our ancient churches and ca thedrals. Since the time of the firft rage for Chineſe gardening and pagodas, there has appeared nothing among the affectations and conceits of the good people of London in a tafte fo confpicuoufly bad. But as the London Cries are not intelligible to fuch as can not gather more from the note than from the words, ' fo it feems to be the fancy of the fhopkeepers, that the infcriptions over their doors, to promote the fale of their goods, must be quite illegible. The confequence is, that the new-fangled fign- painters, who do their work in the Egyptian ftyle, run away with all the em 2 ployment ; ÉGYPTIAN INSCRIPTIONS. 289 ployment; and poor I, who know and practife better things, am left to ftarve. Yet, Sir, with your affiftance, I am encouraged to hope, that I may both turn this whim of falſe taſte to my advantage, and at the fame time correct it. I had many years fince the honour to ftudy Ogham lite rature, under the learned General Vallancey. I can write and paint its characters with the greateſt faci lity and skill. They are as ille ible to a London fhop keeper asthe very hieroglyphics of Egypt-much more ancient-much more beautiful. Their ufe in an in fcription on the front of a fhop cannot fail of mak ing people gape and ftare prodigioufly. The firft fhop keeper who adopts the ufe of them, will, beyond a doubt, make his fortune by it. There is not a true Milefian in London, but will give his fhop the pre ference a thousand times even to any other in the fame bufinefs that furniſhes cheaper and better arti cles. The Milefian literature will be revived even as fuccefsfully as if the Bible were tranflated into it. It will appear, that we can furnifh pot-hooks of our own, as fit as thofe of any other nation, for deforming the doors and windows of our fhops, and for uniting the moft perfect obfcurity with the moſt oftentatious and common publicity. The leaft I fhall expect is, to have a preference, as the artift to be employed by all the profound and tafteful fhopkeepers who fhall take myhint. Do you think I fhould take out a patent ? How charming to make all London and Weſtminſter a Milefian city! What a monument this would be of the Union ! What a benefit to England, from the in creafing freedom of intercourfe between it and Ire land -Allow me then to hope, Sir, that you will have the goodnefs to announce, as foon as poffible, that the Milefian painter, refident No. 752, Fleet Street, is ready to execute, in the Ogham ftyle and character, the inſcriptions and devices on the fronts of VOL. IX. ọ ſhops, 290 THE PETITION OF THE ALPHABET. fhops, &c.; and that on next Monday, a fpecimen of the Ogham manner and ftyle may be feen at No. 978, in the Strand, for which he challenges the compa rifon of Grecian or Egyptian fign- painting in the city. I am, Sir, yours to command, PHELIM FINLAY. THE PETITION OF THE ALPHABET TO THE BOOKSELLERS OF LONDON. HUMBLY complaining, fhew unto your Excellen cies, your fuppliants and daily orators A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z, that the family of your fuppliants is of great antiquity ; and that, at a very remote period, and long before the creation of any empire or ftate now in exiſtence, they had arrived at a very high degree of civilization , living under the pa tronage and protection of the ancestors of your Excel lencies in thofe cities, towns, and villages, called Fo lios, Quartos, Octavos, and Duodecimos, fo well known in the literary world. That your fuppliants have been always taught by their grammarians, poets, and other great law-givers, to fhun above all things a falfe concord, and to live in harmony with each other, in all tenfes and times, and in whatever mood they might chance to be. That the moſt eftimable of the family of your fup pliants live in habits of great fplendour and magnifi cence, being generally dreffed in green and gold, or Morocco and gold ; while fuch of them as go without covering, or may be found in looſe ſheets, are deſpiſed and held worthless, as volumes of evidence in your Ex cellencies' fhops can teftify. Your fuppliants ftate, that certain merchants, ſhop keepers, and tradefmen, in the cities of London and Weſtminſter, THE PETITION OF THE ALPHABET. 291 Weſtminſter, and alfo in the Borough of Southwark, totally regardleſs of the ufages and cuftoms long eſta bliſhed among your fuppliants, and confpiring to in jure their character, and to deface and obliterate every veftige thereof, have lately feized upon feveral of your petitioners, and having cut offthe ears of fome, knock ed out the eyes of others, and otherwife maimed, dif figured, and abufed them, and deftroyed their fym metry and fair proportious, have gibbetted your fup pliants over their fhop-doors in the Strand, in Fleet Street, Bond Street, and other the moft public and moft populous places, and there exhibited them to fcoff and derifion ; and all this they have done in their own name, and in open day. Your fuppliants further ftate, that as a juftification for thefe cruel perfecutions and tortures, faid wicked and evil- difpofed fhopkeepers, merchants, and traders, give out and pretend that your fuppliants are of Egyp tian origin, and, literally, the lineal defcendants of Cadmus ; and that, by thefe mutilations and contor tions, it is fought to make them like their anceſtors, from whom they have degenerated in figure and pro portions. Your fuppliants humbly ſubmit, that their Egyp tian anceſtors were an ugly and an awkward race, but that, by the care of your Excellencies, the breed has been gradually improved, and brought in the prefent generation to the higheft ftate of fymmetry and perfec tion ; infomuch, that they excel their anceſtors in grace and beauty, as much as the Circaffian fair fur pafs the females of Egypt of the preſent day. Yourfuppliants further ftate, that this is only a hol low pretence of men who, under the mafk of reform , feek to effect a revolution in the literary world, and introduce liberty and equality into the republic of let ters ; and, as evidence of their being actuated by re volutionary and levelling principles, your fuppliants beg 02 292 THE SEXTON'S FOLIO. beg leave to obferve, that the capital members of the family ofyour fuppliants have been the principal fuf ferers, and, fhorn of their fine ariftocratic heads and tails, are now forced to become croppies, and the great family of O's are reduced to mere ciphers. . Yourfuppliants beg leave to obferve, that the faid acts of faid merchants, tradeſmen, and fhopkeepers aforefaid, are high crimes and mifdemeanors againſt the lives and perfons of your fuppliants; and come, as yourfuppliants are adviſed and believe, within the pro vifions ofthe Chalking Act. Your fuppliants therefore humbly hope, that your Excellencies will take their ſufferings into confidera tion, and afford them fuch redrefs as is confonant with juftice, equity, and good confcience, and the merits of their cafe may require ; and your fuppliants will pray. [Note. It may be neceffary to obferve, that a moſt prepofterous fashion has been lately introduced in the infcriptions upon figns and fhow-boards over the ſhops of tradeſmen in this metropolis. The modern capital letters are rejected, and the old, barbarous, awkward characters fubftituted in their place. A tradefman's - fhow-board has thus the appearance of the grave- ftone of one of his anceſtors, with the letters partly defaced, and fcarcely legible, and looking more like a requiefcat in pace, or hieroglyphics upon a catacomb, than an invitation to bufinefs. It is a bad and corrupt tafte, and ought to be avoided. ] [British Prefs. - THE SEXTON'S FOLIO. [From the Morning Chronicle ] MR. EDITOR, IN the reign of Queen Anne, a Sexton, in an ob fcure village, took it into his head to turn author, and write his own memoirs, in imitation of other 2 ,great the sexton's folio. 293 great men. He accordingly wrote a large folio vo lume refpecting his own life and exploits. It fo hap pened, that this digger of graves was a bit of a poli tician, and eſtabliſhed a political club, confifting of the coblers, tinkers, tailors, and other great men of the village. There the affairs of Europe were freely difcuffed. The public attention ftill dwelt with com placency on the fuccefsful battles of the Duke of Marlborough ; when the Sexton's folio appeared, and informed them that the plans which led to thefe vic tories had originated in his club, where government, no doubt, had agents, who communicated the deep fchemes and profound difcuffions which there took place ! In the reign of George III. the Continent has armed against an aggreffor, from the abfolute ne ceffity of defending themſelves ; but the partizans of the Miniſter, like the Sexton, endeavour to perfuade the public, that the whole is the work of Mr. Pitt and his club, which may perhaps be equal in talent to the one above mentioned, and may have had as much influence in bringing about the prefent arma ment, as the Sexton's club had in producing the Duke of Marlborough's victories . Now, from this, it certainly appears that though the Miniſterial attempt be extraordinary, it is by no means unprecedented . Whatever, therefore, may be the merits of the Trea fury writers, in fancy- works of this fort, they muſt ftill yield precedence to the Sexton, whofe inventive genius fuggefted the plan of which they are only the humble copiers. A. B.. 0 3 A STROLLING ( 294 ) A STROLLING PLAYER GIVING A SKETCH OF HIS LIFE. [From " A Piece of Family Biography. "] I COULD, readers, were I inclined to take up many hours of your time, recount to you the various pranks and childish actions ofthe earlieſt of my days ! but to enfure brevity, which is the charm of every tale, I fhall merely fkim over the prominent features in the portrait of my life. Myname I fhall, for the honour of my parents, fupprefs ; and the many aliafes that have been tacked to it I fhall alfo pafs over in filence. My father was a refpectable fhopkeeper in the city ; and being him felf doatingly fond of merchandife, he, like many other parents, without confidering the talent of the child, brought me up with with great care to the fame trade. But all his attention and inftruction were totally loft upon one who had a natural and infupportable anti pathy to every kind of buſineſs, and whofe whole mind was filled with airy notions of fame and renown. I had a fmattering of tafte for literature. I had formed the foolish idea, which has been the bane and ruin of hundreds, that I poffetfed fome ſparks of genius, and might make no inconfiderable figure in the world as an author. My father dying, left me for fortune a good ſhop, the flock in trade, and a good bufinefs, which I en deavoured to carry on for fome time ; but attending more to making poetry than to making money, to turning a period than to turning the penny, or pleafing my cuſtomers, I was at length obliged to keep myſelf a cloſe prifoner. The inftant I felt the preffure of neceffity , I applied withfome degree of confidence to my friends, the con ductors and publiſhers of feveral magazines, who had long fattened in the funfhine of my profperity, and, whilft A STROLLING PLAYER. 295 whilft eating my dinners, called me the favourite of the Mufes ; but they gave me the coldeft and moft difheartening reception, abfolutely refufing to give the moft furprising genius fixpence apiece for his verfes . Thus being unable to raiſe money enough by my writings to pay for my lodgings in the attic, and, therefore, being made a bankrupt in the court of Apollo, as well as in the court of Chancery, I was arrefted, and lodged, rent free, in the where I paffed my time, however, in the beft and moft faſhion able company I had ever met. " C In a fhort time, my creditors, perceiving that they might as well endeavour to extract blood out of a poít as money out of me, thought proper, in the plenitude of their mercy, to fet me at large ; by which they avoided paying, as I afterwards understood, a certain allowance, which a creditor is compelled to diſcharge, while he keeps his debtor confined. I now would wish to pafs over five years of my life ; but as the reader may defire to know how I managed in the great emergency I experienced on leaving the without a penny in my pocket, I will not dif appoint his curiofity ; only entreating him that my narrative may not injure me in his eſteem. Fortune fmiled on me for fome time with uncom mon kindness ; for, fuddenly, like another Midas, whatever I touched turned inftantly into gold. But happening unluckily, one day, by the mereft chance, to touch fome fpoons in my new lodgings, which were alſo haftening to turn into gold, they and I were ftopped, and I committed to durance vile. Well, reader, the confequence was, that I was fent on a voyage that took me up five long and gloomy years. You muſt not, however, judge too harshly of me, for this faux-pas. You never felt the pangs of want, and therefore know not what it is to be tempted to do wrong, to relieve a preffing and prefent neceffity. 0 4 My 296 A STROLLING PLAYER. Myfirst determination, on my return, was to aban don the Mufes, Ambrofia, and Hippocrene, and to get into fervice, thinking I fhould thrive better with cook-maids, on roaft beef and porter. The first place I obtained, through the medium of an office for fervants, which gave me the faireft cha racter imaginable, was with a dramatic writer, who was the moſt confummate plagiary living ; by taking characters and incidents from obfolete plays and old novels, he contrived to frame dramatic pieces that met with paffable fuccefs. To fpeak truly of him, he was in his bufinefs a very good mechanic. Here I lived exceedingly well for about three months ; when on a fudden, my mafter left off eating, drank little, flept lefs, and fluck to his anvil day and night. This naturally alarmed me, and the more, as I could not for the foul of me come at the reafon. At length, having eaten up the laſt morfel of eatable matter, I could hold out no longer, and determined to know the cauſe of this extraordinary and unchriftian- like faſt ; farther refolving, if my mafter was doing penance for his fins, to leave him, as I thought I had perfectly ex piated mine by my late voyage. Living in chambers, there was, as it is common, an old laundrefs, who uſed formerly to come every morning to make the beds, and put the rooms in order. Thefe offices, however, were now totally abo liſhed, my mafter always locking the door of his room, whenever he made an excurfion from home. This the old woman was aware of, and never troubled him with her vifits. In my dilemma, it foon occurred to me, that ſhe would be a proper perfon of whom to inquire the caufe of this melancholy change in the order of the houſe. At firft the appeared furpriſed at the feveral queſtions I put to her on the fubject ; and, at laſt, burſt out into a violent fit of laughter, exclaiming, " What the dickens ! an't you gone yet ? A STROLLING PLAYER. 297 yet ? Why, he has begun above a week ! "-" Be gun ! begun what ?" cried I ; " he ' s left off eating I know that-Begun what ?" She replied, " Why, his next play, to be fure ; and high time too, having ſpent all the money he got for his laft . Why, child, he has no idea that you ' re in the houfe." " 0 ! ho !" faid I, " is that the cafe ?-Then I fhall ſtrike my tent, and beat a march to-morrow morning; not, however, without asking for my pay.' "" I then quitted the old laundrefs, and remained at my maſter's chambers, teafing him for my wages, until I could faft no longer ; and being unable to re cover a fous, I took pity on him, having been a debtor myſelf, and left him in peace, to go in fearch of one who made more ufe of his digeftive powers ; one who paid lefs refpect to intellectual pleaſures than to fen fible ones. . Immediately after this, I was hired by a carica turiſt, with whom I lived pretty well, but whofe being over head and ears in debt was the cauſe of my lofing my place. It happened in the following manner : It was a custom with all the friends of my new mafter, who called on him, to cough at the fame time that they knocked in a particular manner at the door, which was a fignal that they were no bailiffs. A beef- ſteak pye having been taken to the baker's one morning, to be ready at two, and the clock having ftruck, I was in wonderful appetite and anxiety for the baker's approach. Looking out of the window (we lived up three pair of ftairs) , I faw him coming down the ſtreet-prefently heard him upon the stairs, and now he knocks and coughs. The door was in ftantly opened, the pye feized, and the baker difmiffed. Having both my hands full, and the difh being very hot, I had no time to attend the door, which the care lefs rafcal left on the jar ; and the bailiffs, ever on the watch, before my mafter could help himſelf, in rufhed 0.5 a couple 298 A STROLLING PLAYER. a couple of them, and quickly tapped the affrighted caricaturift on the ſhoulder, who, at the moment, exhi bited himſelf the fineft caricature I ever witneſſed. The poor painter was foon fpirited away by one of the bailiffs, who told the other to fit down, keep up the fire, and to expect him back as foon as poffible. Off they trudged, and I and the remaining bailiff, without farther ceremony, began the pye. In a fhort time the fecond returned, and we all fet to. The bailiffs ftaid here two days, until they had eat and drank every thing there was in the chambers, when it was thought full time to part and depart. The tipftaffs took their own rout, and I, pennylefs and hungry, made towards St. James's Park, where, fitting down on one of the benches, I pulled out a piece of paper, and began to write fome verfes ; a ftratagem I had often known to fucceed in charming away the un pleafant fenfation arifing from the gnawings of an empty belly. As I was writing, without noticing the objects that paffed and repaffed before me, I was fud denly ftartled by a loud burst of laughter, and an ex clamation ; Very well !-Very good indeed ! I in ftantly turned my head, and perceived a friend of my late mafter's looking over my fhoulder. " What !" faid he, "fo they have nabbed the caricaturift ? Well, well, he can draw there as well as in his own lodgings -he's no more a prifoner in the one place than in the other. And you, if I may judge from your pre fent employment, and that hungry face, are on the pavé-I beg pardon- are at large. " It appears that no words could have expreffed the feelings of my compaffionate bowels more loudly and perfectly than mycountenance. Hunger was perfonified in my ap pearance. I was its fymbol, type, and image. "Well," continued the gentleman, who was of a ruddy, laughter- loving countenance, and the picture of plenty ; " if I conjecture right, follow me: I'm going A STROLLING PLAYER. 299 going home to dinner, where you may dine, and ſtay, ifyou like, till you get a better place. " When the manna fell from heaven, the children of Ifrael did not feize it with more avidity than I did the kind offer that was made me : -I followed him to his houſe. My new mafter, for fo I may now call him, was a more uncommon character than either of thofe I had lived with before. He had, readers, like your humble fervant, employed the younger part of his life in bufinefs ; from which he had feceded, unlike your humble fervant, with property fufficient to live on, and therefore to be independent. Few (I muft moralize here), few know how to eſtimate their own abilities . I miſtook mine : as did alfo my mafter-for none was ever better calculated to preferve a peaceful and ho nourable courfe in trade than himfelf, and none lefs fitted to fupport the character he affected-a man of genius ! He was a man who never defcended from his ftilts ; but, on the commoneft fubjects, fpoke with fuch a pompous difplay of inflated diction, as to deftroy en tirely the repofe of the rifible mufcles of his auditors. Ever in fearch of topics elevated far above the fcope of his comprehenfion, he paffed his whole time in an eternal warfare with difquifitions which bewildered him, and hard words that ftuck in his throat and almoſt choked him . On every other purfuit, as well as its purfuers, except that of literature, he looked with ineffable contempt. To learn the fentiments of lite rary men on the various publications of the day, was his occupation during the morning, running with indefatigable induftry to each bookfeller's fhop reforted to bythe felf- denominated literati . The defire neareſt his heart was to be thought an author, and with the. affiftance of a needy, but clever writer, he had fo far fucceeded as to publiſh a tract, by which he had ac quired fome fame with thofe to whom he was un 06 known. 300 A STROLLING PLAYER. "" known. This work did not, it may be eafily fuppofed, prove very profitable to him : for being his delight, he fpent fifty pounds more than he got for it in the ad vertiſements. It was, moreover, printed and embel lifhed with all the fplendour of modern literary fop pery. Though an author, his ignorance of his bre thren, and efpecially of the belles lettres, was fo ex traordinary, that he one day actually aſked me whether I had ever read Bell, that he heard much talk of his Letters, but could never meet with them , or indeed any of his works. He would uſe words and phrafes in giving me orders that I never could find in any Engliſh author I had ever met with ; and was therefore often obliged to request an explanation, which he would fometimes give me with an air of fuperiority, mingled with a look of pity and compaffion ; at other times, when, I believe, he was himſelf a ſtranger to their meaning, he would avoid my queftion, by faying, " He was really afhamed of my ignorance. His hand writing alfo, though he could write like copperplate, he ufed to mutilate, till it was unintelligible. As he knew I was acquainted with this, I one day took the liberty to ask him his reafon for it. He replied haftily, " When did you ever fee a man of genius write intel ligibly ? Rurigenous cook- maids, and automatical bankers' clerks, may take care of their autography ; but the logical mind has to divide and to fubdivide ; to connect and to compare, and to rufh impetuous into thofe metaphyfical regions of intellectual fruition, which intender and edulcorate the heart ; and difdains to offufcate itſelf by-by-it difdains it, I fay :"-and here he stopped. -I affented filently, and he continued dreffing himſelf for his morning's peregrination, in what he called " the fphere of fcience, and the land of letters." I was told by a friend of his, who would often jokehim on his affectation of literature, but who could never joke him out of it, that when he firſt commenced A STROLLING PLAYER. 301 · commenced the character, to look it the better, he had his hair cut off, and went without powder ; but, poffeffing all the drofs, without any of the ore, he was fcouted in every company, and obliged at laft to put on a clean fhirt occafionally, to wear a little powder, and to drefs like a Chriftian, to render himſelf accept able or bearable. So ardent was his wifh to be known as a writer, that it betrayed him into the moſt ridi culous actions. After the publication of the tract I have noticed, he was never feen without a proof fſheet of it (valuable to him as a Sibyl's leaf) in his pocket, which, while lolling at the bookfeller's, he would fometimes appear to be reading, and at others, cor recting, as if it were a new performance, juſt ready to iffue from the prefs. The moment at length ar rived in which he was to pay dearly for the gratifica tion of his folly. The man who had affifted him in his authorship, had made feveral attacks on his purſe, which his gratitude and fear would not permit him to repel ; and had at laft managed to get him to fign a bond, which terminated in his ruin. I was of courfe difcharged ; and he, I fince underſtand, was, after he had fufficiently feen his error, fent by his friends to live in the country, where, I hear, he is fo much recalled to his fenfes, that as he is not in the way of feeing a literary man, or a man of genius, he hates to hear the epithets pronounced ; and has more than once declared, that a literary puppy is the most defpi cable infect in the creation ; and that the affectation and puppyifm of literature are leſs tolerable and more ridiculous than the puppyifm of all other puppies in the world. After having been fo unfortunate in my three firft effays in fervice, it will not ftrike the reader with afto niſhment, that I fhould conceive an idea of bending my thoughts towards fomeother employment. I could eafily 302 A STROLLING PLAYER. eafily have obtained a very excellent character, per haps, from fome one of my mafters ; but certainly from thofe venders of reputation who had ferved me fo effentially on my return from-from-that is to fay, when I first put on the yoke of fervitude. But I was determined to embrace a purſuit of life, that pro miſed at once to be more lucrative and lefs burden fome than the occupation of a fervant. Among the feveral that prefented themſelves to my mind, none for a confiderable time came unaccompanied by in furmountable difficulties. To take the path of lite rature, to lead me to fortune, faid I to myfelf, would be, knowing what I know, the very acme of infanity. -Upon making this obfervation, I fell into a train of thinking, that brought me, when I leaft expected it, into the identical harbour for which I was failing, but without either compafs or pilot. -Literature, faid I , will never anſwer my purpoſe. A printer's devil, or a poſtman, earns more in a week than moſt other men of letters can realize in half a year. Why, a beggar gets more, and lives better than half the garret tenants in the kingdom ! -Better ! continued I ; ecod, I don't know whether there are many trades in a town like London, to be preferred to that of a beggar ! In a word, I concluded my reflections with a refolution to turn mendicant, and live on the cleemofynary alms of charitable Chriftians. My profeffion being fixed, there now remained nothing to be done but to equip myſelf with propriety and judgment ; for the bufinefs of a beggar would go on but poorly, unlefs he had recourfe to the order of his fraternity-a woe-begone face and a ragged coat. The object I thought most likely to excite charity, and which I at the fame time deemed moſt eafy to reprefent, was a debilitated old man. This I effected by the fale of fome of my late mafter's old coats, with the produce of which I pur chafed ܐ CANTILE LIBRARY LEWYDISH MERE 要 A STROLLING PLAYER. 303 chafed a wig made of hoary locks, and formed to in fpire reverence, which, when on my head, with the affiftance of my hat, looked exactly as if it had been my own hair. I then disfigured every part of my habiliment, until it had a perfect air of poverty and diftrefs. After this, I dirtied my face, whitened my eyebrows, and taking a ſtick to fupport my trembling limbs, hobbled out from an obfcure lodging I had in St. Giles's, to experience the fuccefs of my ftra tagem . The firft day I cleared eight fhillings and fourpence. And, indeed, I very well deferved it, on account of my ingenuity; for not one bird of the fame feather did I obferve, and I obferved more this day than at any former period, who had plumed himſelf ſo notably as I. I had, in truth, dreffed the poor old wretch I wifhed to appear fo minutely, that I fcarcely ever re ceived a penny without an ejaculation of pity, that a man at my years fhould be reduced to the neceffity of begging about the ftreets. I purfued this bufinefs for fome time, often getting more than I did the firſt day, but never lefs than five or fix fhillings ; and I believe the worst dreſſed of our order feldom get lefs than five for we are all able enough, though blind and lame, to go into fixty ſtreets in the courfe of the day; and it muſt be a very uncharitable ſtreet indeed, that won't produce a penny. Continually in the dufk of the evening, have I had fixpences, and fhillings even, flipped into my hand by perfons who would fcarcely let me fee them do it ; and from this, added to the number of beggars, there is, I am convinced, much more charity in mankind than people are apt to imagine. However, this calling, like all others, has its draw backs and inconveniencies. I affert it without refer vation, that were it not for beadles and parifh officers, few, very few honeft tradefmen could live fo well as a beggar, 304 A STROLLING PLAYER. a beggar, who could give his character a ftriking effect . But thoſe fcoundrels are fevere and exorbitant in their exaction from the profits of an induftrious trader in charity, who by his profeffion affords fuch fair oppor tunities to Chriftians of going to heaven. At firft a beggar is taken no notice of by theſe gentlemen ; but no fooner do they perceive that you have got into a good line of bufinefs, than the officer of every pariſh through which you make your daily tranfit, demands his homage, poundage, fealty, and fine. If you refufe to comply, they either get you fent to the houfe of correction, or, what is worfe, paffed on to your own parifh-for doing which they receive the reward of praiſe for having done their duty. But if you accede to their requeft, they are quite careleſs about the reward of praife, and you are permitted to go on with your work unmolefted. On this account, or perhaps more from being of that unfettled, fluc tuating difpofition , that would rather change for the worfe than not change at all, and having accumulated a ſmall purfe, I left my profitable bufinefs in which I had been, and lived well on for three months, and re folved to turn ftrolling player. I foon formed a connexion with the manager of a ftrolling company, who, approving of my abilities, very readily received me among his dramatic corps ; and after they had affifted me to ſpend the little money I had faved, we all fet out on our provincial campaign ; to defcribe which, readers, would be to fatigue you with a ſeries of events, teeming with poverty and wretchedness, yet, furprifing as it may appear, with content and inward fatisfaction . So wonderful, in deed, is the infatuation that poffeffes the mind of a. ftage-ftruck hero ! And I do not believe that any of the company, excepting myſelf, would change his fitu ation for that of the moft wealthy of his auditors, if it precluded the indulgence of acting, or rather of fuming A STROLLING PLAYER. 305 fuming and fretting. However, our dramatic fund is at the loweſt ebb-for we breed fo faft, that our cart, when we travel, is chuck-full of baftards, and we are, ofcourfe, obliged to turn footpads,that is, to walk: -don't miſtake me, readers. A few days ago, the gay Lothario ofthe company was taken before a juftice of the peace, on fufpicion of having ftolen a goofe off a common we were croffing. On this occafion, we fent our Ca lifta with him, attended by eight children walkers, and two in her arms, all of which the declared fhe had borne Lothario in honeft wedlock. And in this inftance, the children were of ufe to us ; for they faved the gallant Lothario from ſtanding in the ftocks. The justice, I recollect, was mightily moved when the neceffity was reprefented to him by our colleague, a fhrewd fellow, which a poor devil muft labour under who had to maintain fo many pretty ones. And he faid, " Be of good cheer, woman, " fpeaking to Califta, who was, like Niobe, all tears ; " perfuade your huſband to be honeft for the future, and never fear on account of your children, for whenever God fends mouths, he al ways fends victuals alfo."-" That may be, your worship," faid Lothario, encouraged by a previous acquittal ; " but unfortunately, it too often happens, as it now does to us, that Hefends all the mouths to one houfe, and all the victuals to another." This laft ob fervation tickled his honour fo much, that Lothario actually got half- a- crown from the juftice for ftealing the goofe. As to my wardrobe, readers, it is fmall. The fuit I have on is my beft fuit-beft-becauſe I have no other. Heaven forfake me, if I have a change in the world-A ftrolling player never packs up his clothes. In myfuit have I played a whole feafon, every night in play and farce, as I hope to be faved. But I muft not defpife my coat neither ; for to it, more than to my merit (no uncommon thing), I owe my prefer ment 306 EPIGRAM . ment to the part of Julius Cæfar. Its fize (being no fpencer), and the fun having changed its original co lour, which was blue, to fomething like a purple, by turning the buttons inwards, and twifting it round me, it was thought by our manager to imitate, if not cor rectly, yet certainly much better than any coat in the company, the habit worn by the Roman Emperors. So I enacted Julius Cæfar, in the play ; then, flipping into the arms, and diſplaying the buttons, I was dreffed for Peeping Tom in the farce. I am now in the profeffion of a ftrolling player, my own mafter, but mafter, alas ! of nothing elfe. However, I am not of a grieving difpofition . If the fun fmiles on me, I return the fmile-If the clouds lower, I fmile by my felf. 1 Ifhall not dwell any longer on my theatrical career, well pleafed if, at this time I finiſh, I leave all my readers with their eyes open. ON READING THE FRENCH ADMIRAL LA TOUCHE TREVILLE'S ACCOUNT OF HAVING MADE LORD NELSON RUN. YOUOU boaſt what you ' ve done, You have made Nelfon run : -- Admitted ; your boaft may be true. There remains not a doubt, As yousay you came out, That he certainly ran after you. DOUGH BOY. VILLENEUVE'S ( 307 ) VILLENEUVE'S ADVERTISEMENT OF TWO 1 LARGE MEN OF WAR, TAKEN JULY 22, 1805. [From the Oracle ] STO TOLE from my fleet July the twenty-fecond, " As from the ſtatement in my log- book ' s reckon❜d, Two line of battle fhips, the King of Spain's : Rewards await him who the fame regains. One on the furface ofthe ocean bore Guns of huge calibre, and eighty-four ; Large was the other, and both full of men, Inferior only in her guns by ten. At times we faw, as minuted by log, Though inconvenienc'd by a pending fog, Some fellows habited in jackets blue, And panic-ftruck fuppos'd them Nelſon's crew ; For well we know, to ferve his greedy turn, His fingers itch to take, or fink, or burn, Affuming names, the better to beguile, Of Nelſon, Bronte, Hero of the Nile : And really think, from bottom of my foul, Had it prov'd him, that we had loft the whole ; For incomplete he deems his act of theft, If a few ſhips fhould happen to be left : But Providence , who acts on Wiſdom's plan, Baffled the hopes of this nefarious man, And fent an Admiral, who of the beſt Took two, and handſomely declin'd the reſt. EPIGRAM. [From the Morning Chronicle ] " IT's mighty odd," cries Paddy Whack, O'er whiſkey-punch one day, " Thoſe Admirals could not bring them back Before they got away." M. A Scot 308 BONAPARTE'S SOLILOQUY. AScot remarks " I've aye been tauld " That baith the chields were baulder ; But, gin Sir Robert was o'er cauld, Stirling, I fear, was Calder." John Bull, who fate behind the door, His thumbs thus glumly twirling, Says " Now, I thinks we'd teaken more, If Calder had been Stirling !" INVASION SQUIB. [From the Oracle.] INVASION ! Invafion ! mad France cries again : Yet the doubt is ftill-how to get over : Little Xerxes must first scourge to filence the main, And next-bridge it from Calais to Dover. Then let him beware, as he tramples the waves, Left they, in their turn, lift the laſh, And him, and his bridge, and his army of flaves, Tothe bottom indignantly daſh ! But grant him the miracle-ſafe let all reach The fair coaft to bright Freedom fo dear A brave hoſt of arm'd patriots, arrang'd on the beach, Will foon finiſh the tyrant's career. HAFIZ. BONAPARTE'S SOLILOQUY ON THE CLIFF AT BOULOGNE.. [From the Times.] T'INVADE, or not t' invade that is the queſtion- Whether 't is nobler in my foul, to ſuffer Thoſe haughty Iflanders to check my power, Or to fend forth my troops upon their coaft, And by attacking, crush them-T' invade-to fight No more ;-and by a fight, to ſay I end The glory, and the thouſand natural bleffings That England ' s heir to ;-'t is a confummation Devoutly to be wifh'd.-T' invade-to fight To SPORTING INTelligence exTRAORDINARY. 309 To fight-perchance to fail : -Ay, there's the rub ; For in that failure, what dire fate may come, When they have ſhuffled offfrom Gallia's fhore, Muft give me paufe.-There's the reſpect, That makes me thus procraftinate the deed : For would I bear the fcoff and ſcorn of foes, Th' oppreffive thought of Engliſh liberty, The pangs of defpis'd threats, th' attempt's delay, The infolence of Britain, and the fpurns That I impatient and unwilling take, When I myſelf might head the plund'ring horde, And grafp at conqueft ? Would I tamely bear To groan and fweat under a long fufpenfe, But that the dread of fomething after battle, That undecided trial, from whoſe hazard I never may return, -puzzles mywill, And makes me rather bear unfated vengeance, Than fly from Boulogne at the risk of all. Thus contemplation ftays my deep defign, And thus my native paffion of ambition Is clouded o'er with fad prefaging thought : And this momentous, tow'ring enterpriſe, With this regard, is yearly turn'd aſide, And wants the name of action. SPORTING INTELLIGENCE EXTRAORDINARY. [From the fame. ] THE fourteen days refpite granted by the High Court ofSportsmen to the Partridge family, which were legally condemned to death on the 1ft of Septem ber, having expired on Saturday night, the execu tioners, who had marched forth in all directions, were at their poſts at the early dawn of yesterday morning, ready to commence the maffacre of the feathered tribe. Every ſtage-coach from the metropolis, for three days preceding, was crowded with fportfmen, armed for deftruction, and caparifoned with hot- belts, pouches, 310 SPORTING INTELLIGENCE EXTRAORDINARY. pouches, powder-flaſks, game- bags, Shooting -fhoes, dram- bottles, pointers, " and all the pomp and cir cumftance of war," againſt the harmleſs inhabitants of the ftubble fields . Shooting carts and fhooting ponies were in general requifition, and were feen traverfing the bye- roads in all directions ; and it is highly probable, that the donkies alfo would have been preffed into the fervice, had they not been already brigaded and marched to Brighton, Margate, Tunbridge Wells, and other places of fashionable refort, for the amufement of the ladies. From the more diftant ſcenes of the war, we have not yet been favoured with any details of action, or returns of the killed or wounded : we only know, that fome thoufand brace of birds have been promiſed to friends in town, which have not yet arrived, and may probably furvive the war, in full feather and good health, to furnish new covies for the next year's fport. In our fporting intelligence nearer home, we have been more fortunate in early communication ; and a correfpondent, by the twopenny post, from Norton Falgate, has favoured us with the following journal of a fporting excurfion, which may ferve as a pretty general fample of the fate of the game round town, and the fuccefs of the ſportſmen who confined their operations to the purlieus of the metropolis. Aug. 29. Obtained leave to go out a-fhooting on the Ift of September ; but underſtanding that all gen tlemen ſportſmen thought it a pity to kill birds before they got feathers to fly for their lives, re folved to wait till the 16th, and made a party for that day. Sept. 12. Bought a sharp-shooter's old uniform in Rag Fair, as a good fhooting drefs ; hired in White chapel a horfe-nail ftub gun, with a curve barrel, to fhoot SPORTING INTELLIGENCE EXTRAORDINARY. 311 fhoot round corners, hay- cocks, and corn- ſtacks, with out being feen. N. B. Could get no pointer to hire, but an old lame Newfoundland dog, which would not follow me, and bit my trigger finger, when I ftrove to lead him along with my garter. Settled with Ned Spriggins, the fhoemaker ; Bill Clippins, the tailor ; Bob Diddle, the crop wigmaker; Jack Inkle, the riband- weaver from Spitalfields ; Tom Drip, the tallow chandler ; Peter Paunch, the tripe merchant ; Tim Pickle, the oilman ; and George Hemp, the rope-maker, to fit up all night, in order to be up early on Monday morning, and meet at the Nag's Head, on Bethnal Green. } Sept. 16. We all met at our poft by half past five, except poor Bill Clippins, the tailor, who was taken up for the row at the Haymarket ; and Bobby Diddle, who could not get his new mourning finiſhed in time to come with us. Knocked up the landlord at the Nag's Head, and got fome breakfaft ; examined our arms and fporting tackle ; found we had one ftub-nail curve gun, one rifle barrel, one blunderbufs, one horſe-piftol, and a mufket ; four fhot-belts, two powder-flaſks, one car tridge-box, four cabbage- nets to hold game, two ter riers, one bull bitch, a Newfoundlander, and a fine tan-yard dog. The provifions in our game- bags were, three half- quartern loaves, two pounds of boiled ba con, one pound of cheefe, two pint flaſks of gin, and two pounds of gingerbread nuts. Set out at daylight from the Nag's Head in a body ; croffed the fields towards Hackney ; met no par tridges ; but a countryman told us there was a covey of eight, with the two old birds, about a mile far ther. We cocked our pieces, and fet out full fpeed, but when we came to the place, found it was only the houſe of a tailor named Partridge, with his wife 4 and 312 SPORTINg intelligeNCE EXTRAORDINARY, and eight children. -N. B. A hoax. -Damned the hawbuck who quizzed us, and agreed to cross the fields towards Newington. Not a partridge to be met as yet : 'faw a large flock of fparrows juft alighted in a dairyman's field ; tied up all the dogs with our hand kerchiefs, to hinder them from frightening away the game.-N. B. Sparrows are but partridges in minia ture, and make a good lark pudding. I ftole flyly clofe to a hay-rick, fo as to keep out of fight of the birds, prefented my curved- barrel piece round the corner, and fired-killed nothing, but made them all leave that.-N. B. My gun kicked confoundedly, and gave me fuch a thump on the fhoulder as knocked me down. The noiſe of the ſhot ſet the poultry cackling, and the Newfoundland dog ran into the farm-yard : a large bird immediately flew over the wall towards usBob Diddle fwore it was a pheafant, from its comb and gills, its fine long tail, and the red feathers on its neck : it alighted juft under the hay- rick, and Peter Paunch, who had the blunderbufs, fired, at two yards diftance, and killed it.-N. B. A devilish good fhot, but rather unlucky, for the pheasant turned out to be the farmer's dunghill cock. We were all fur rounded in a moment by men armed with pitchforks, threatened to be immediately fent to gaol, and obliged to mufter all the cash in our pockets, being eighteen fhillings and three-pence farthing, to fatisfy the da mages ; and, what was worfe, the farmer carried off the game to drefs for his own dinner, and called us a pack of boobies. -N. B. Dunghill cocks no pheasants, and farm-yards devilish expenfive manors for fowling on. We raised our fpirits with a fnack of the bacon, and afquil of gin each ; and Jack Inkle, who had the horſe-piftol, infifted on the next hot. Agreed. Croffed the fields towards Stoke Newington ; Jack faw a hare through the bushes, fquatted under a hedge ; cocked his piftol, prefented at fixty yards, for fear of frightening SPORTING INTELLIGENCE EXTRAORDINARY. 313 frightening her away by coming too near-fired , and fwore he killed her ; but, on coming to bag the game, found it was only the hare-fkin cap of a drunken failor, who was afleep on the other fide of the hedge -d- -d provoking ! but a lucky mifs.-N. B. Not always fortunate to be a good fhot, or proper to fire too near the mark. Croffed towards Highbury Barn. Tom Drip found a dead pigeon, which he joyfully bagged. Some fign of good fport at laft ; Tom referved his fhot as next in turn, fired at a magpie he faw perched on a cherry- tree, miffed the bird, but killed a fine tortoifefhell tom- cat that was bafking on the roof of a Chineſe turret, in an old lady's garden. Tom tore his new filk breeches in fcaling the garden wall to get his game, but was glad to brush when he faw the gardener coming to attack him with his fpade. Croffed to Holloway ; faw a covey of ducks upon a little pond ; fure they were all wild ; loaded all our pieces, and determined to fire in platoon upon them ; crept clofe in ambuſcade behind a bufh at the edge of the pond ; prefented our pieces ; fired ; they all flew away, except one, but must have been all wounded, they quacked fo confoundedly : the only one that re mained was a fine old drake, not able to fly ; and the Newfoundland dog jumped in and caught him. Un luckily, my curve- barrelled gun, inftead of a duck, killed our beſt terrier, that was twenty yards on one fide of the pond. Ned Spriggins was very angry, as he was his dog. However, we got fome game by the volley ; for though the old woman who owned the drake ran fcreaming after us, fhe could not run faſt enough to overtake us. -Croffed towards Hornfey ; one of the dull - dogs chafed a fow and pigs , and luckily killed a nice roafter. We confidered him fair game, and ftuffed him into the game- bag with the VOL. IX. P pigeon. 314 SPORTING INTELLIGENCE EXTRAORDINARY. pigeon.-N. B. Bull-dogs the beſt pointers in the world. Devilish tired ; took another fnack of the bacon, and a fwig at the gin-bottle each ; croffed towards Highbury Barn ; fired at ſeveral flocks of blackbirds, but did not kill one.-N. B. They were all crows ; but they fmelled powder, and were fo confoundedly wary, could not get within 200 yards of them. -Croffed the fields towards Kentish Town, and thence to Hampstead, without meeting any thing but a large covey of fmallish birds walking after a large one, very like a turkey ; were fure they were partridges, and could not fly ; but we dared not foot fo near a farm- houſe, after the miftake in the morning about the pheasant. The evening coming on, the terrier barked at fomething that flew into the hivey bushes upon a wall near Hampftead ; it flew again ; a devilifh fine, large, plump bird. Ned Spriggins faid it was a buf tard ; Jack Inkle faid it was a large partridge ; Bob Diddle faid he never feed fuch a bird before, but was fure it was a groufe or a woodcock, it looked fo grey and fo grumpifh, and fcreamed fo favage. Saw it alight in another tuft of hivey. We all charged our pieces, fpied it in the bushes, fired together, and killed it. Whatluck ! this was the beft fhot all day ; and while we were difputing upon what kind of a fort of a bird it was (for it had a head like a cat, and a bill like a parrot), a little boy came up, and faid it was a howl.-N. B. Why fhould not a howl be as good game as a woodcock, or any other wild fowl ? Put him in the bag, and fet out for home. Arrived con foundedly tired. Had the howl and the pigeon, and the drake and the pig, roafted for our fupper, wood cock fashion, as the cook faid, with the trails in, and thought them moft excellent and high-flavoured, 4 though b fBE ba IV m MORE SPORTING INTELLIGENCE. 315 though nation tough, all but the pig.-N. B. Sage and ingons better tuffing than the trail for roafting pig. Could have got a much better fupper in Leaden hall Market for half the money paid for the pheasant we ſhot in the morning in the farm-yard, and the ex penfe of our guns and ammunition.-No more fowl ing till next feafon. Sept. 17. MORE SPORTING INTELLIGENCE EXTRAORDINARY !!! [From the Morning Poſt.] MR. R. N. a fugar-baker, and Mr. T. a grocer, two noted men in the city, having agreed to take a day's fhooting together, fet off with their guns about the middle of September in a phaeton and four, ac companied by a brace of dogs, which, in order to prevent from foiling the lining of the vehicle, they tied to run behind : the dogs they had bought the day before at a noted fhop in Piccadilly, under the af furance of their being the best in England. Thus equipped, they travelled till they arrived at the inn agreed on, at the diftance of about 14 miles on the north road ; and after untying their dogs, and giving them a good belly-full of cold meat (obferv ing, at the fame time, " that, onfuch occafions, poor dumb animals could not be too well fed' ) , they pro pofed to take the field , anticipating the greateſt poſ fible fuccefs. Accordingly, while the dogs were ranging the field, the cocknies were employed in loading their guns, in order, as they faid, " to lofe no time." They then beat their way acroſs a ſtanding crop of barley, taking the precaution to have the wind (which was pretty high) in their backs ; fearing that, by meeting it, the dogs would be impeded in thei P 2 courſe, i 316 MORE SPORTING INTELLIGENCE . courſe, or that perhaps an unlucky flaſh from the pans of their guns might be accidentally blown into their faces. "" Prefently, however, the fport of the day com menced : Mafter Carlo made a point-" Damn that there dog," cried the grocer, " he is not worth afig for fee, the rafcal ftands as ftill and as firm as a hogfhead offugar, and won't hunt the length of a Shop counter." Bafto, however, did not pay any attention to his companion, but kept hunting and ranging about, and thereby incurred the good opinion, and gained the careffes of his mafters, while the be haviour of poor Carlo merited (in their opinions) the moft fevere flogging, and which the poor creature re ceived through the medium of afour- horſe whip, that they had brought into the field for the purpoſe. ""

Unfortunately, however, while our ſportſmen were paying Mr. Carlo for thefhameful crime of " flanding Aill,' as they termed it, what fhould start up clofe at their heels but a fine large cavey of partridges ? Pop went the gun of Mr. N.; but not a bird was ob ferved to fall this very much mortified the fugar baker, and he declared, that, out offo many, it was hard he fhould not at least have hit one of them. Mr. T. complained bitterly of his gun having miffed fire, which, upon infpecting, however, he found hel had omitted to prime. Thefe misfortunes were, of courſe, all thrown upon the dog Carlo, for not having found the game, although, to their great aftoniſhment, the birds had got up at the very ſpot on which they found him ftanding fill. 1 -- They then proceeded with the hopes of again find ing the fame covey ; but, as neither of the fportfmen had taken any particular notice which way they went, this piece of good fortune was greatly defpaired of. They neverthelefs made diligent fearch after them, and took great care to examine all the trees and bushesin MORE SPORTING INTELLIGENCE. 317 66 in their way, but all to no purpofe-the birds were not to be found. Paffing by a thick-grown hedge, however, they had the good luck to efpy fomething on the other fide, which appeared to them exactly in the form of a hare fitting Soho ! Soho !" was the cry : they then flowly approached the hedge (fearing they might disturb the game) , and when they had got pretty cloſe to the spot, bang went both their guns. Not perceiving any thing to move, they concluded, of courfe, that Mifs Pufs was certainly dead : here a warm difpute arofe to afcertain who had killed the game. They now endeavoured to make the beſt of

1. their way through the hedge ; a taſk which, with

great difficulty, they effected : fuch, indeed, was the eagerness to obtain the prize, that Mr. N. in getting through the hedge, had the misfortune to have his white military kerfeymere breeches completely ript from the waiſtband half way down to the knee ; Mr. T. left the frill of his ſhirt and the end of his neckcloth upon an unlucky thorn in the middle of the hedge ; and his boot - tops alfo (which were quite a new pair) were fcratched to pieces with the brambles. When they had arrived on the other fide of the hedge, neither of them however were very ready to claim to palm ; for, inſtead of a hare, what ſhould it be but an old ftraw brown- coloured bonnet, which a poor woman had left there whilft fhe was employed gleaning in another part of the field . This miftake, as may be eafily conceived, greatly exafperated our cockney Sportsmen. They d-d the poor woman, and fwore the was hovering about the fields with fome other view than that of fimply picking up a few trumperyftraws. During the time the ſportſmen were thus engaged, Carlo and his companion (being almoft worn out with fatigue) were very agreeably amufing themfelves with a nap in the next field. P 3 Our 318 MORE SPORTING INTELLIGENCE. Our cocknies now again loaded their guns ; and, calling their dogs to follow them, which, indeed, was all the poor devils were now able to do, they pro ceeded, with the fond hopes that as the dogs were become fomeuhat tamer, and confequently not fo liable to frighten the birds, they might yet have fome good fport. Scarcely had they got fifty paces before ten or a dozen crows got up. This circumftance fo much confuſed the fportfmen, that, in their eagerness and hurry, they accidentally fhot at them before they difcovered their fpecies. Unfortunately, however, they miffed (not)-all-for a poor cow that was grazing in the field, in an almoft direct line with one of the crows which was aimed at, received the contents of the gun in her cheftſ. This unlucky affair (to make it ftill worfe) was perceived from an adjoining field by the very farmer to whom the poor beaft belonged; who immediately, with the affiftance of two of his men, made up to the cocknies, and infifted upon an ample recompenfe for the lofs of fuch a valuable cow, which the farmer obferved he ſhould be under the ne ceffity to kill, in order to prevent the poor thing from dying of the wound it had received. This harfh fort of converfation did not much fuit the more refined ear and fweet underſtanding of the fugar- baker and grocer, who, feeing it was quite im poffible to eſcape the clutches of the clodpoles, with great reluctance drew their purfe-ftrings, and fatif fed the demands of the farmer ; who, by the bye, obtained from them about three times the value of the cow. This affair fo difcompofed the fportfmen, that they refolved to return immediately to London. The poor dogs (if they could have expreffed their feelings) were no doubt not a little delighted at this refolution . The cocknies then betook themſelves to the inn, and, after ordering the greys to be put to, and taking fome re freshment, NAVAL INTELLIGENCE EXTRAORDINARY. 319 freſhment, they again tied the dogs (poor creatures ! ) behind the phaeton, and proceeded on their way to town, not very well reconciled to the lofs of their mo ney and the fpoiling of their clothes ; each determin ing, in his own mind, not to go out of town on an othershooting excurfion again as long as he lived. NAVAL INTELLIGENCE EXTRAORDINARY. THEHE following Jeu d'Esprit appeared in a Dub lin Paper : Information has been received on oath, from Captain Jabberkowainſky, of the Ruffian fhip Kamfcotenfheim Spin, that the combined fleets, after a fruitless expedition in the Atlantic, Indian, and Pacific Oceans, proceeded by the Greenland and Arctic lands, round to the frozen Ocean, where they dropped anchor in 90 fathom water, and took in freſh provifions at St. Paul's, in Samoida country. From thence they failed to the Baltic, where they were ap priſed ofthe approach of Lord Nelfon with a Britiſh fquadron. The French officers immediately held a council of war, when it was propofed by a Contre Amiral, and feconded by a Capitain de Vailleau, that as they were individually members of the Legion of Honour, they fhould act like honourable men ; and that, as My Lor le Duc de Bronti's veffels were infe rior in every reſpect to their own, they would not fuffer him to run the risk of a defeat, by meeting him on unequal terms. Accordingly, the travelling fledges were inftantly landed, and being properly fixed, ac cording to the orders of the principal waige- maitre, the fhips were put afhore by means of flides, and con veyed with all poffible expedition to the Cafpian Sea, where they are to promenade for a few months. Cap tain Jabberkowainfky was prefent at the land-launch ing, which he defcribes as fingularly beautiful. The crowds who witneffed the proceffion were immenfe ; P 4 and 1 320 FIRST BULLETIN and the coup d'œil would have been really enchanting, were it not forthe feeming unwillingness of the Spaniſh veffels to keep pace with their lively confederates." FIRST BULLETIN OF THE GRAND NAVAL ARMY!!! BY [From the General Evening Poft.] BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR. Head Quarters, Cadiz, Oct. 25. THE operations of the grand naval army fecond in the Atlantic thofe of the grand Imperial army in Germany. The English fleet is annihilated. Nel fon is no more. Indignant at being inactive in port, whilft our brave brethren in arms were gaining laurels in Germany, Admirals Villeneuve and Gravina re folved to put to fea, and give the English battle. They were fuperior in number, forty-five to our thirty- three ; but what is fuperiority of numbers to men determined to conquer ? Admiral Nelfon did every thing to avoid a battle ; he attempted to get into the Mediterranean ; but we pursued and came up with him off Trafalgar. The French and Spaniards vied with each other who fhould first get into action. Admirals Villeneuve and Gravina were both anxious to lay their fhips along fide the Victory, the English Admiral's fhip. For tune, fo conftant always to the Emperor, did not fa vour either of them ; the Santiffima Trinidada was the fortunate fhip. In vain did the English Admiral try to evade an action ; the Spaniſh Admiral Oliva pre vented his eſcape, and lafhed his veffel to the Britiſh Admiral. The Engliſh fhip was one of 136 guns, the Santiffima Trinidada was but a 74. Lord Nelfon adopted a new fyftem : afraid of combating us in the old way, in which he knows we have a fuperiority of ſkill, ANTICIPATION. OF THE GRAND NAVAL ARMY !!! 321 fkill, as was proved by our victory over Sir Robert Cal der, he attempted a new mode offighting. For a fhort time it difconcerted us ; but what can long difconcert his Imperial Majefty's arms? We fought yard- arm to yard-arm, gun to gun. Three hours did we fight in this manner. The English began to be dismayed; they found it impoffible to refift us ; but our brave failors were tired of this flow means of gaining a victory ; they wished to board ; the cry was, " à l'abordage !" Their impetuofity was irrefiftible. At that moment two fhips, one French and one Spaniſh, boarded the Temeraire ; the Engliſh fell back in aſtoniſhment and fright ; we rushed to the flag- ftaff, ftruck the colours, and all were fo anxious to be the bearers of the intelli gence to their own fhip, that they jumped overboard, and the Engliſh fhip, bythis unfortunate impetuofity of our brave failors and their allies, was able, bythe affiftance oftwo more fhips that came to her affiftance , to make her eſcape in a finking ſtate. Meanwhile Ne! fon ftill refifted us . It was now who ſhould firſt board, and have the honour of taking him, French or Spa niard. Two Admirals on each fide difputed the ho nour ; they boarded his fhip at the fame moment ; Villeneuve flew to the quarter- deck ; with the ufual generofity of the French, he carried a brace ofpiftols in his hands; for he knew the Admiral had loft his arm , and could not uſe his fword ; he offered one to Nelfon; they fought, and at the fecond fire Nelfon fell he was immediately carried below. Oliva, Gra vina, and Villeneuve attended him with the accuf tomed French humanity. Meanwhile, 15 English fhips of the line had ftruck ; four more were obliged to follow their example ; another blew up. Our vic tory was now complete, and we prepared to take poffef fion of our prizes ; but the elements were this time unfavourable to us ; a dreadful ftorm came on ; Gra vina made his eſcape to his own fhip at the beginning

P 5 of 322 THE WAR. of it ; the Commander in Chief Villeneuve, and a Spaniſh Admiral, were unable, and remained on board the Victory. The ftorm was long and dreadful ; our fhips being fo well manoeuvred, rode out the gale ; the English being fo much more damaged, were driven afhore, and many of them wrecked. At length, when the gale abated, 13 fail ofthe French and Spaniſh line got fafe to Cadiz ; the other 20 have, no doubt, gone to fome other port *, and will foon be heard of. We fhall repair our damages as fpeedily as poffible, go again in purfuit of the enemy, and afford them an other proof of our determination to wreft from them the empire ofthe feas, and to comply with his Impe rial Majefty's demand of fhips, colonies, and com merce. Our lofs was trifling, that of the Engliſh im menfe. We have, however, to lament the abfence of Admiral Villeneuve, whofe ardour carried him beyond the ftrict bounds ofprudence, and, by compelling him to board the English Admiral's fhip, prevented him from returning to his own. After having acquired fo decifive a victory, we wait with impatience the Em peror's orders to fail to the enemy's fhore, annihilate the rest of his navy, and thus complete the triumphant work we have fo brilliantly begun. THE WAR. [From the Britiſh Preſs.] MR. EDITOR, I KNOW not how the war about to commence on the continent will be confidered by the performers in the drama ; but by us, who are feated as quiet fpec tators, the drawing up of the curtain is anxiouſly looked for.

• This turned out to be really afferted afterwards by the French Papers.

I leave THE WAR. 323 I leave it to your more learned correfpondents to fpeculate on the caufes, and predict the confequences of this great event : permit me to make a few obferva tions on the advantages which numbers of His Ma jefty's loyal and peaceable fubjects will derive from it. Among the foremoſt of thefe, is the great body of newſpaper politicians, who, with a generofity, that, like virtue, must be its own reward, as it feldom meets with any other, devote themfelves to the public bufinefs, to the entire neglect of their own ; they have no longer occafion to thrust themfelves into churches, theatres, and private houſes ; they will now have ma terials enough. For the edification of their readers, they will, no doubt, refume their ancient and laudable cuftom of directing the movements ofthe combined forces, cor recting their errors, and pointing out their mistakes. For this arduous taſk they are fully qualified, as it is well known they are almoft as good generals as they are politicians. The worthy citizens of London have, of late, at all clubs and coffee-houfes where I have had the plea fure to meet them, dozed over their liquor, rather than drank it, for want of fomething to quicken it ; for, with the exception of two or three murders, no thing has occurred for a month paft, worth talking about ; but now, Emperors, and Emperors' brothers, and their coufins, with names which carry thunder and war in the found, are muffered for our amufe ment. From the number, as well as the honour, of thefe illuftrious perfonages, we may, I think, reafon ably expect one battle a week for our money, until after Chriftmas, when, if parliamentary affairs are in terefting, we can allow them a little intermiffion. The laft clafs, whom I fhall mention at prefent, arefuch commanders of our volunteer corps as thought it their duty to form plans of mock-battles for the im P 6 provement 324 THE NEW EMPEROR. provement ofthe troops intruſted to their care. They may now eafily get rid of this drudgery, and adopt the plan of Uncle Toby and Corporal Trim, of following the movements of the allied forces, taking ground to the right or left, advancing as they advance, and, with out bloodfhed, fighting all their battles over again. If this függeftion, which with all due humility. I offer, be approved of, our allies will have the goodneſs to advance, becaufe, from the number of ftrong towns in their front, they will be a long time in making a little way; whereas, if they took it into their head to retreat, in the manner they did last war, our brave volunteers could not follow them without great incon venience, as it would remove them too far from their houfes and bufinefs. AN OLD CAPTAIN. THE NEW EMPEROR ! [From the Public Ledger. ] ONEof the maxims of Swift is, that ambition unites fervility with loftinefs, as creeping and climbing are performed in the fame attitude . In no inftance is the juftnefs of this remark more ftrongly illuftrated than in the hiftory ofufurpers. Never did a politician , in ancient times, defcend to meaner compliances than Julius Cæfar, in paying his court to the dregs of the Roman mob ; yet, having made the populace inftru mental to his exaltation, he trampled on them, and on every order in Rome. Bonaparte, though much inferior to the Roman Dictator, in power of genius, uniformity and completenefs of fuccefs, fo far refem bles Cæfar, that he has crept, in order to climb ; and degraded himſelf by condefcenfions and compliances which no private gentleman of honour and integrity would ever make. Let us, in a few words, trace this adventurer from the THE NEW EMPEROR. 325

the goat-farms of Corfica to the Imperial diadem. He firſt made his way, not by any extraordinary qua lities of his head or heart, but fimply by booing. His first boo was to the King, whogave him a military edu cation, a commiffion in the army, and bread to eat. To his King and benefactor he adhered as long as fortune adhered. When the power of the Sovereign declined, the loyalty of Bonaparte declined in the fame proportion and when the Girondifts prevailed over Monarchy, Bonaparte was the ardent votary ofBriffot and Petion. To their party he ſtuck till Robespierre came to be uppermoft ; and while he was the follower of Briffot, he profeffed all the wildnefs of republican levelling. The fupremacy of Robespierre gave him another cue. Now he was to be paramount, not only in anarchy, as under the former commanders, but in cruelty ; and indeed he proved himselfworthy of being the underling of the terrorists. His firft military dif tinction was acquired from murdering a number of Frenchmen in cold blood. -He affembled them in a fquare, and deſtroyed them by grape-fhot, a paftime not unworthy of the fervant of fuch a maſter. To Robespierre he was very faithful, as long as fortune was faithful ; and did not defert him until he faw him deftined to fall : then he joined moft ardently with Robespierre's enemies. -Being active and enterprifing, he rendered very great fervices to his new friends, that were uppermoft, against his old friends, that were un dermoft ; and on the 4th of October 1795, in the great contest between the Jacobins and the Moderates, his efforts, in a confiderable meaſure, determined the fortune of the day. The Directory being now para mount in France, Bonaparte was its moſt humble fer vant ; and ſpared no degradation or fervility to pleaſe the five ; one of theſe rulers was Barras, who had long kept a miſtreſs, the widow of one Beauharnois, a money-fcrivener, and afterwards a banker. This mif trefs 326 THE NEW EMPEROR . trefs becoming ftale, the keeper became tired ; and he looked about for fome humble dependent, who might take the article off his hands. Bonaparte was the man. To curry favour with the Director, this com plaifant time-ferver married his caft - off miſtreſs. She was not without a portion ; Barras procured for her huſband the command of the Army of Italy. Here we must allow the ambition of Bonaparte had crept, not climbed ; for it can be no difficult afcent to reach, by matrimony, the charms of an old and cafhiered courtezan ; and thus did Bonaparte get the command of the army of Italy, which paved the way for his becoming Emperor of the Gauls ! Hitherto Bonaparte had been the avowed enemy of all Ariftocrats and Kings, becaufe fuch , he faid, af fumed an authority beyond the bounds of natural equality. In Italy, his addreffes to his foldiers teemed with declamations on the equality of mankind, and the infolence of perfons who conceived themſelves entitled to affume a fuperiority. To the native inha bitants of Italy he fpoke the fame language ; and maintained that his principal object was to eman cipate the people, and to cruſh Priefts, Lords, and Princes. This was the tenour of his addreffes to his own army, and the Commons of the Italian States ; whoever doubts, may be fatisfied, by reading his pro clamations and addreffes, which are to be found in the common Collections of State Papers, for the years 1796 and 1797. Throughout his wars and negotia tions in Italy, Bonaparte was a profeffed democrat, and avowedly fought to exalt the plebeians, and over whelm all diverfity of rank ! After the peace of Campo Formio, during his fhort refidence at Paris, Bonaparte joined the three Directors who ftood after reducing their colleagues, and was the humble and complaifant courtier of Lepaux, and ſpoke to the people the language of liberty and equality. This THE NEW EMPEROR. 327 1 This enemy of pre-eminent diftinction next pro ceeded to Egypt. There he found that rank and power were in the poffeffion ofthe Mamelukes. There again he played his democratical part, and afferted the equa lity of mankind. The following is an extract from one of his proclamations :-" The Egyptians have long languifhed under the tyranny of the Beys. Frenchmen would vindicate their natural rights, pro tect their property, and promote their religion. All men are equal in the eyes of God; understanding, ingenuity, and fcience, alone make a difference be tween them; and what wifdom, what talents, what virtues, diftinguifh the Mamelukes, that they ſhould have exclufively all that renders life fweet and plea fant ? Is there a beautiful woman ? She belongs to the Mamelukes ! Is there a handfome flave, a fine horfe, a fine houfe ?-They belong to the Mamelukes ! All the Egyptians are entitled to the poffeffion of all places the wifeft, moft enlightened, and moft vir tuous, will govern, and the people will be happy. " The fame was the tenour of his language in Syria, and indeed throughout his plundering and murdering ex pedition to the Eaft. How can Bonaparte, or any man, reconcile, not only thefe democratic expreffions, but the whole feries of his conduct for ten years, in France, Italy, and Egypt, with permanent diverfity of rank, and eſpecially with hereditary diftinction and power ? If all men are equal, why are there Firſt Confuls and Emperors ? If a difference is admitted in favour of genius, fcience, and wifdom, why is the infant or unborn relation of Bonaparte, whofe genius, fcience, and wiſdom, cannot be known, deſtined to command ?—Theſe, however, were the fentiments of Bonaparte while he was making his way, either by creeping or climbing, and not after he had reached the pinnacle. Bonaparte militant was one perfon of the drama, Bonaparte triumphant is another.

VERSAILLES ( 328 ) VERSAILLES RESTORED. [From the Times. ] THEHE extravagance and oftentation of thefoi- difant Monarch of France, are conftantly as vifible as his ambition and infolence. Previous to his going to Straſburgh, oftenfibly for the purpoſe of directing the war, he fent forward, not merely his Princes and Marshals of the Empire, and Generals of the Army, but his Marfhals of the Palace, his Grand Maſters of the Ceremonies, his " Maitres Decorateurs, " with a large body of " Tapiffiers, " and one knows not what number of ornamental artificers. Should his "for tune" again favour him, or his generals in the war, Strafburgh will be the fcene of a ftill farther degra dation of the Electors, and other Sovereigns of Ger many, who will there be compelled to pay their ho mage to their foe, and make their obfequious fubmif fions to the officers of his ufurped ftate. He has al ready laviſhed vaft fums on Saint Cloud, and at Paris ; but at Verſailles he intends to difplay the fplendour of his imperial greatnefs on the ruins of the regal court. This vaft palace, which has been almoft in difufe fince the depofition of Louis XVI. is about to affume an appearance worthy of the great genius that prefides over the deftinies of France. It is propofed to change the whole internal difpofition of this refi dence, and to form a fucceffion of magnificent apart ments defcriptive of the career of the modern Álex ander, fome part of which has been executed under the general denomination of " Le Progrès du Heros Pacificateur." Here the chief events of his wonder ful life are to be ftoried by the hands of the moft emi nent artists of modern France. The veftibule con tains (pourcommencer) a view of Ajaccio, in the iſland of Corfica, in which there is nothing remarkable ; but it ferves to lead to more ftriking objects. The afcent, by - 2 VERSAILLES RESTORED. 329 " La by the Grand Escalier, will reprefent the youthful fcenes of the military fchool, and others, defcriptive of the education of the hero, and will conduct to an ante- chamber reprefenting the early diftinguifhed ap pearance of " His Majefty" in the Jacobin periods of the Revolution. From hence the route is through the Salle du Siege de Toulon, to the Salles des Noces, where the portraits are much admired, particularly that of Barras, who is giving away Jofephine at the altar. After paffing through a chamber containing a Maffacre at Paris, you go through a number of fplen did apartments, adorned with battles in Italy, and magnificent fpecimens of plunder of all kinds. Salle d'Egypte" is painted a fanguine colour, and is ornamented with crocodiles and hyanas. Here a cho fen body ofMamelukes are to do conftant duty. After this, there will be a flight chafm in the fucceffion, as the pencil will not be employed on the fubjects of Acre, or of His Majefty's glorious retreat from Egypt; but you are brought immediately from the Banks of the Nile to three grand halls, Les Salles de St. Cloud, Du paffage des Alpes, and De Marengo. From this laft , on turning to the left, is an apartment not gene rally to be fhewn-" La Chambre du Confeil Privé," where the grand fecret conferences of ftate and justice are to be held, upon all important occafions. The funereal hue of this chamber perfectly accords with the ferious bufinefs which will be occafionally tranf acted in it. There are a few pictures here which are worth notice, though the gloominefs of the room prevents accurate obfervation. Thefe are generally covered from the eye ofthe ftranger ; but His Majefty uncovers them, and contemplates them with peculiar fatisfaction , paying many high compliments to the fkill of the original artift . They reprefent the moſt affecting and impreffive views of fubjects-the deaths of eminent perfons. The firft that ftrikes your atten tion 330 VERSAILLES RESTORED. tion is, " the Death Scene of Touffaint ; " the fecond, " Pichegru found dead in the Temple;" the third is " a Sketch in the Bois de Boulogne," by ' torch- light, and contains a vaſt number of figures of military men, before the gates of an ancient caftle. In the centre is feen a young officer, of a most prepoffeffing appear ance, whom the foldiery are in the act of fhooting. Upon his countenance are forcibly depicted the ex preffions of mingled fcorn and pity. He feems half difpofed to fpeak, but the executioners appear eager to difpatch him. This picture feldom fails to excite the ftrongest feelings of fympathy in the hearts of the French, as the unfortunate victim is a correct portrait of the late Duke d'Enghien. The fourth reprefents the public execution of a number of French menin the city of Paris, among whom Georges is particularly diftinguifhable, for the intrepidity with which he views the preparations for death. A fmall picture of General Moreau on his trial is placed in one corner of the room. From this folemn chamber you enter " La Salle de la Religion, " on the walls of which are various large pictures of the Emperor in the Temple of the Theophilanthropists, in the mofque at Grand Cairo, and in the chapel of the Thuilleries. " La Gallerie des Couronnements" is furrounded by an imperial and papal proceffion, and decorated with imperial and iron crowns ; it is a very glittering and gaudy apartment. The laft and principal hail is not yet touched. Many artifts have been confulted re fpecting the finishing of it as the " Salle Napoleone," with the fubject of " the apotheofis of Bonaparte :" but their defigns have all, hitherto, fallen fhort of His Majefty's ideas upon a ſubject fo fublime. After fuch a fucceffion of grandeur, it ſeems difficult to de vife any thing fufficiently ftriking. An old domeftic of the King, who has been many years at Verfailles, and has outlived the ftorm of the revolution, has re commended, " STANZAS, &c. 331 commended, that, confidering the difficulties in the way of the apotheofis at prefent, they fhould poftpone the completion of this apartment, and after taking down all the old royal emblems, be content for the prefent with hanging up the Emperor !!! As a re ward for this recommendation, which feems to be the moft fimple and appropriate mode of terminating the feries of hiftorical pictures, he is very likely, on his death, which is foon probable, to be found deferving of the honour of a pannel in thefolemn chamber already mentioned. STANZAS, WRITTEN BY AN ATTENDANT ON HER ROYAL HIGH NESS THE DUCHESS OF WIRTEMBERG, ON SEEING BONAPARTE AT STUTGARD. Tranflated from the German. [From the Oracle ] HENCE! Monfter, hence ! and flee this prefence far ! Follow the fiend that prompts thee to the war, Here dwell the Virtues all, by Beauty crown'd, Andthou, a ſpirit damn'd, profan'ft the hallow'd ground ! Hence ! Monſter, hence ! foul murder marks thy way, And, tiger-like, thou mak'ſt mankind thy prey. Stutgard's contaminated by thy breath, And ev'ry glance predicts a treach'rous death. Hence ! Monſter, hence ! and may fome vengeful hand Shed thy polluted blood, and rid the land Of thy fierce malice and plebeian rage, And be thy memory curs'd in every future age! SWEET ( 332 ) SWEET SIXTEEN ! [From the fame. ] MR. EDITOR, I WAS very much furpriſed lately to obferve in your paper a melancholy mention of an elopement, which, you fay, has made fome noife at and about Southampton. Suppofing the elopement to terminate in marriage, I fee nothingshocking or melancholy in it. But the young lady is a child, it feems, of fixteen ; and the young gentleman is a child, it feems, of twenty; thus their united ages only make thirty-fix ! -Andis this the worst of it ? If a young lady of fixteen is to be deemed a child, where will you find your young women ? And would it not be better for every gentleman to marry at twenty, than not marry at all -Now, this feems to me to be a charming match ; and I wish the lovers all the felicity they are purfuing. My mamma makes me read to her a great deal ; and I remember, laft winter, when I was read ing Dr. Knox's Effays, I was quite delighted with his reflections on marriage ; and took care not to forget that the beſt and moſt ſtriking paffage in the whole effay was this, " Dare to marry early:" advice which I am determined to follow, as foon as a proper opportunity is afforded to, Sir, Your obedient fervant, GAY FIFTEen. OBSERVATIONS ON THE FOREGOING. [From the fame. ] MR. EDITOR, SINCE you admitted the epiftle of Gay Fifteen, I have every reaſon to expect you will not deny my maturer obfervations a place in your charming paper. The pretty Mifs appears to be in ecftacy at the pre valence OBSERVATIONS ON GAY fifteen's letter. 333 valence ofyouthful elopements and infantine marriages ; but the fhould confider, that thofe of riper years have certainly a prior claim to Cupid's favours : and I am happy to find, by Mrs. Parrat's exploits, that they are not neglected by him. I affure you, Mr. Editor, I felt the ice of my frigid heart gradually thaw while I read your account of her elopement. " How delightful !" exclaimed I : " the little blind urchin has at length difcovered what is due to us." Really he muſt have been the moſt un fashionable amongmen and gods, if, when the antique is fo univerfally admired, he fhould alone delight in thofe charms which have fcarcely attained the anti quity offifteen fummers. What would be the ufe of introducing into our drawing-rooms bronze images, Grecian lamps, Egyptian hieroglyphics, and every fpecies of antique ornaments, if they did not beget a tafte for antique virgins, matrons, and relicts ! Surely the face of a well-painted living antiquity is more worthy admiration than the bronzed lifeless vifage of a fhaggy-maned lion. Then let our amorous youths and dying fwains, who wifh to be ranked among the truly fashionable, ceafe to prey, like bullfinches, on the bud of beauty, when they may difplay the elegance of their taftes, by felecting the mellowed fruit of maturer charms. Let them reflect, that all modern faſhions are antique ; and by a parity of reafoning, let them conclude, that all modern beauties fhould alfo be an tique. I am, Mr. Editor, Oct. 22, 1805. Your fervent admirer, SPRIGHTLY SIXTY. THE ( 334 ) THE REPLICATION. [From the fame. ] MR. EDITOR, YOUR correfpondent, Sprightly Sixty, feems very defirous of defending the fashionable prerogatives. offemale antiquity, and to cenfure us for afferting the natural privileges of youth and beauty. It is no wonder that a few vicious young men, who have rioted on the charms of the young, fhould, for the fake of variety, fubmit to the embraces of the old; and the painted dames of fixty well know how to manage theſe dupes offenfuality, when they once get them in their power. A fool of fortune in the hands of one of theſe female dafhers, has the gratifi cation to fee his example followed by other votaries, whofe tafte has been vitiated by excefs ; while the antiquated dame fets up for a leader of ton ; gets her felf be-puffed and be-goddeffed in the newfpapers ; and then, as Sprightly Sixty obferves, fhe, and all like her, become as fashionable as any other fpecies of antiquity with which folly choofes to decorate her modern formed manfions. Thus it is, that our rights and privileges are ufurped by our grandmothers ! And if it were poffible, in fpite of nature, common feelings, and common fenfe, for this fashion to continue, we fhould have to wait up wards offorty years before it come to our turn to be admired !-Thanks to the natural fluctuation of fa fhion, we are not doomed to any fuch pilgrimage in the wilderneſs of virginity ! The tide is already turn ing in our favour ; and we hope to meet with young men of fenfe and difcretion , who have not wallowed in the ftyes of impurity, and rendered themfelves old enough to become the loving companions of our living ancestors. We THE TERMAGANT. 335 Wefear not but the bronzes, pagodas, awkward imi tations of Grecian ftatues, and living refemblances of Egyptian mummies, " painted and beautified " like an old church, will fpeedily become truly antique and un faſhionable, and their admirers as contemptible in the eyes of the public, as in thofe of - Yours, &c. GAY FIFTEEN AND SWEET SIXTEEN. AN EPIGRAM, ATTEMPTED FROM BOILEAU. -ADDRESSED TO A LADY. [From the Times. ] AH, Phillis, what rigours we lovers muft prove ! Oh, pity a wretch that is tortur'd by love ! For theſe fix months and more I have felt the foft pain ; But as yet to my fuit no kind anfwer can gain. " At theſe words fhe rofe up quite tranfported with anger : " I proteft, Sir, this ufage I'll bear with no longer. " " Hold, hold! be not wild; I'm in love, it is true, And most strongly enamour'd-but ' t is not with you." W. H. 66 THE TERMAGANT. TOM, difputing one day with his termagant wife, Said, " Doll, you ' re the torment and plague of mylife; Not a day can elapfe, but, with arguments new, Some brawl or contention ' s occafion'd by you; Indeed, in your face is moft fully diſplay'd Thewicked, ill -temper'd, extravagant jade." " With faults fo apparent," in fury, Doll cried, "I'm furpris'd you ſhould ever have made me your bride.” " Indeed,"replied Tom, " what you fay ' s very true, It is what hasfurpris'd many more befides you !" HORATIO. LUCKLESS ( 336 ) LUCKLESS DAMON. [From the Morning Herald .] FOR Chloe long did Damon languiſh , Stranger he to life's delights ; Long complain'd of bitter anguifh, Joyleſs days and fleepless nights. His am'rous fuit the nymph affailing, Nof unkindly was repreft ; Soon love's logic was prevailing, And by Chloe he was bleft. Still behold poor Damon languiſh, Still remov'd from life's delights, Still complains of bitter anguifh, Joylefs days and fleepless nights : Why, you afk, is Damon pining ? Why continue thus diſtreſs'd ? (Here his ftory I declining) Let his furgeon tell the rest. EPIGRAM. Two WO fingers were oft in contention quite warm, Which moft, when they tun'd up their windpipes, could charm : To a maſter of mufic they jointly applied, This often-contefted affair to decide. AUTOLICUS. They quaver'd, they fhak'd, and fuch graces were flown, That each took for granted the prize was his own. " Indeed, my good friend, " cries the judge to the firſt, "Of all earthly fingers, I think you're the worft ; But as for you, friend," turning round to the other, "You can't fing at all-ſo muſt yield to your brother. " GRIMALKIN'S 7 ( 337 ) GRIMALKIN'S GHOST ; OR, THE WATER SPIRITS. IN HUMBLE IMITATION OF THE SOARING FLIGHT OF OUR LEGENDARY AND EXQUISITELY PATHETIC MODERN BARDS. [ From the Morning Poſt.] JON ONAS lay on his bed, fo my tale does relate, And queer were the notions that roam'd in his pate, When the clock on the ſtaircaſe ftruck one. His door it flew wide, and a light fill'd the room : " Oh, mercy ! what now is my horrible doom ?" Thought Jonas-but ſpeech he had none. He look'd through his fingers, and, ftrange to declare, He faw fuch a fight as his fenfes did fcare, A cat, with five kits in her train ; "Ah, monſter !" fhe cried, ' twixt a fcream and a mew, "You thought you had drown'd us, but, woe unto you, Our fpirits have rifen again. "We ſhall haunt you by day, we fhall haunt you by night, Behind and before, at your left, and your right ; No comfort fhall you ever know. What harm had we done you ? dark monſter, declare ; Though each had nine lives, you not any would ſpare, But doom'd us to perifh, oh ! oh ! " But vengeance is ours- lo ! we wreak it on you.' The five little kittens cried-" Mew, mew, mew," And jump'd on poor Jonas's bed ; They rear'd on their hind legs, they danc'd on his cheft, With their cold tender paws, on his windpipe they prefs'd, And play'd at bo-peep round his head. Of a fudden they ceas'd, he juſt ventur❜d to peep ; But better for him had he ſtill feem'd afleep, For horrid the fight he beheld : The angry mamma like a leopard was grown, Her large fea-green eyes fiercely gleam'd on his own, And her tail was enormoutly fwell'd. " O murd'rer ! " fhe fcream'd, with a cattifh deſpair, " I am doom'd after death in your torments to fhare, VOL. IX. e Cr 338 THE NEW YEAR'S GIFT. Or vengeance the fates will deny. Round the brink of a well, fuch the fentence decreed, After five fpectre kittens you ſwiftly proceed, Whilft I fpit at your heels as you fly !!!" ROSA MATILDA. THE NEW YEAR'S GIFT. From the French of M. Menage. BY OLD NICK. [From the Britiſh Prefs. ] Pour temoigner de ma flame, Iris, du meilleur, de mon ame Je vous donne à ce nouvel an Non pas dentelle, ni ruban, &c. Menagiana, p. 397, T. iii. To fhew my love, my Fanny dear, With all myfoul, with all my heart, I give thee for a gift this year, Not richeſt lace nor riband ſmart ; Nor ſweetmeats rare, nor turtle- doves, Nor effence fweet, nor rofe pomatum, Nor cloak, nor gown, nor flow'rs, nor gloves- Such things are baſe, and much I hate ' em. "What then?" thou crieft ; why, I do give, O Fanny ! far more fair than good, Who car'ft not if I die or live, And never art in giving mood ; I give thee, love-ah ! can I dare ? Yes, I'll no longer bear the evil, Though thou wert fifty times more fair, I give thee, Fanny-to the devil* !

• Goldſmith has, without acknowledgment, borrowed this idea in five ftanzas addreffed to a mercenary beauty, in " Bow Street, Covent Gar den." There are alfo fome other lines, which probably originated

from this piece of M. Menage, where a fair lady, after faying, "Don't give methis, do n't give me that," concludes, " But, give me, if my heart you'd win, Give me, mylove-a keg ofgin !" PARODY ( 339 ) PARODY ON THE BALLAD OF ALONZO AND IMOGENE. TRANSLATED FROM THE POEMS OF THE GREAT GERMAN POET HUM. [From the Oracle ] LEMONAwas daughter of Hudda the Brave, Whoſe throne was exalted on high ; His gold and his filver fill'd many a cave ; His nobles were haughty, but each as a flave Obey'd the leaft dart of his eye. Lemona was tall, and Lemona was fair ; Her ringlets fell over her fhoulder ; Like the filver-wing'd dove was the ſmooth of her hair, Her ancles were taper, her elbows were bare ; Oh ! it made the heart beat to behold her ! Lemona had huntſmen and hounds in her train, And offilver-fhod horfes a fcore ; Her palfrey was grey, and of filk was his rein ; He champ'd his gold bit, as he pranc'd on the plain, And feem'd proud ofthe burden he bore. Lemona was happy ; for Bruno, the fon Of a rich and a mighty great Earl, Had figh'd and had knelt, and her heart he had won, As fhe fat on her feat by the rivers that run Through bridges of inother of pearl. Quick throbbings, quick throbbings, fwell'd thick in her breast; She gave a confent with a falter ; The prieſts were affembled, in furplices dreft, Young Bruno moft cheerly the damfel carefs'd As they walk'd up the aifle to the altar. The palace was crowded, the chandeliers fhone, The ivory tables were ſpread ; The bride and the bridegroom were plac'd on a throne, Which entirely was form'd of a large onyx ſtone, With a canopy over their head. Q2 Now 340 REPARTEE. Nowthe laugh fhakes the hall, and the ruddy wine flows ;. Who, who is not merry and gay ? Lemona is happy, for little fhe knows Of the monfter fo grim that lay hufh'd in repofe, Expecting his evening prey! While the mufic play'd fweet, and with trippings fo light Bruno danc'd through the maze of the ball, Lemona retir'd, and her damfels in white Led her up to her chamber, then with'd her " good night !" And went down again to the hall. The monfter of blood now extended his paws, And from under the bed did he creep ; With blood- clots befmear'd, he now ftretch'd out his claws, With blood-clots befinear'd, he now open'd his jaws, To feed on the virgin afleep. He feiz'd on a vein, and he gave fuch a bite, And he gave with his fangs fuch a tug, She fcream'd ' -Bruno ran up the ftairs in a fright— The guefs follow'd after-when brought to the light, Lord a' mercy ! they cried, What a bug !!! EPIGRAM. THREE chopping boys young Sal has got, Herfelf not yet eighteen : She must have tied the marriage knot In childhood's days, I ween. " Not fo," a wit (who overheard His friend's difcourfe ) replied ; " You're much deceiv'd : -for ' t is aver'd, That knot, Sal never tied." HORATIO. REPARTEE. ONEday a juftice much enlarg'd On industry-while he difcharg'd Athief from jail. Go work, " he ſaid ; Go, pr'ythee, leare fome better trade, Or, mark my words, you'll rue it . ' 66 " My THE PARTNERS. 341 My trade's as good, " replies the knave, As any man need with to have ; And if it don't ſucceed, d' ye fee, The fault, Sir, lies with you You won't let me purſue it." not meTHE PARTNERS. A TALE. THOHOSE who the fweets of partnership would know, May chance to find it out fome lines below . TOM Stiles and Hodge, a little time ago, Purchas'd a barn, and parted it in two. Tom fill'd his fide with grain ftill more, and more, But Hodge's half was empty to the floor. As Stiles was plodding through his ground one morn, Towards this barn, to view the ftore of corn, He chanc'd to meet his partner by the way. Hodge held a lighted faggot in each hand; Cries Tom, furpris'd, and then he made a stand, What doft thou want with fire- light by day? God blefs thy noddle, I believe it's wood, And fetting fire to that might do it good. ? 66 What curfed nonfenfe art thou hatching now Thou always wert a ſtupid blundering calf, Witneſs the barn, of which I've fill'd my half; You ha'nt a grain in all the place I vow. " Says Hodge, " I fcorns the thing that is n't right, I means to bring my meaſures to the light ; About that barn I won't be call'd a calf; In this here land a body does, d'ye fee, Just as he pleates with his property I'll tell a what, I means to burn my half." Q 3 IN ( 342 ) IN VINO VERITAS. AN EPIGRAM. YOUinvite me, Jack, to drink your wine--- 'T was mine-' t is yours-and really fine ; You relifh it-I like it too And o'er the glafs will tell you true, That I fhould think it quite divine, If, Jack, you'd-paid mefor the wine. THE UGLY LOVER. IMITATED FROM BUCHANAN. HOWlucky is yon filly fop ! Though ugly is the elf, He has no rival in his love, For why? He loves himself. THE DUELLIST ; OR, HOW TO SETTLE AN AFFAIR OF HONOUR, in an INNOCENT WAY, THOUGH NOT WITHOUT BLOOD. Founded on Fact. BY OLD NICK. [From the Britiſh Preſs.] Sunt quos curriculo pulvero, &q. A CITY buck, a dafhing blade, Full eager for renown, One Sunday eve, with Mifs in gig, Was driving into town. Acurricle before him drove, And fadly rais'd the duft; On which, faid Dick, " Ecod, I'll lead, If Jenny does n't ruft." " Jee,Jee," cried he, and ftamp'd his foot, Then whifk'd before like wind ; And much provok'd, with booby grin, The gem'man now behind. HOR. But THE DUELLIST. 343 S But Jenny foon moſt reſtive grew, Then off flew Miſs's wig ; As t' other pafs'd, Lord, how he flogg'd The puppy in the gig. In vain Dick whipp'd, ' t was now too late, The gem'man drove fo hard ; So all our buck behind could do, Was to demand his card. His clam'rous voice foon ftruck the ear, When t' other, as they tell, Threw out, in joke, his dentiſt's card, Viz.-Mr. P. Pall Mall. Next morn, betimes, Dick reach'd the houſe, And knock'd with furious din ; The door was open'd courteoufly, And Dick was uſher'd in. " Your bus'nefs is"-a youth began " With Mr. P." cried Dick ; " My father, Sir, you want ?"-" I do ; And let me fee him quick." 1 " He has a job," young P. replied, " But won't be long about it." " Then he fhall give me fatisfaction ! ” Said P.-" You need not doubt it." Now with " perturbed spirit," he Stalk'd round the room diftrefs'd ; "Are you in pain ?" the youth inquir'd ; Cry'd Dick " I cannot reft." "Ihate to keep things in, to fret And trouble one for months : Therefore, d'ye fee, I am refolv'd To have it out at once." Dick funk into a chair ; " Right, Sir, " Young P. exclaim'd-" you're right." He rang the bell, his man appear'd ; Said P.- " Now hold him tight." Dick ftar'd and gap'd : within his chaps Then peep'd the dext'rous youth, And feeing caufe, whip'd in his ſteel, And foon lugg'd out a tooth. 24 "Why 344 EPIGRAMS. " Why s'blood !" roar'd Dick, " what, what, d'ye mean? You've almoft broke myjaw !" " You wifh'd, " faid P. " to have it out, A worfe I never faw." " Out ! -Know, Sir, though a curricle Your father drove, our lives--” " My father drove ! " cried P. " Lord, Sir ! He draws he never drives !" MORAL PRAYER. May puppies all who afk for cards, And feek with men to fight, By dentift lugg'd, no more be fit To fhew their teeth or bite ! THE SHEPHERD. AN EPIGRAM. LCIDES guards the fheep, we ' re told ; But then, for this, muſt ev'ry fold Its choiceft victims ſpare ; And why? He drives the wolves away : But, if he robs as well as they, What fignifies his care? PREMATURE CRITICISM. AN EPIGRAM. AsS Pat reach'd the gallows the hawkers drew near, And roar'd out- The laft dying fpeech" in his ear ; " They are liars, " cries Patrick, " whatever they've faid, It can't be my fpeech, for I am not yet dead. But good Mafter Ketch, for a moment now ſtay, For the fake of my fame let me hear what they fay." Jack reach'd him the paper, and faid he would ſtop. " Enough, " exclaims Pat, " you may down with the drop : The rogues feem to know all the tricks of my youth, To be fure ' t is a lie-but they tellyou the TRUTE ." EPIGRAM ( 345 ) ON READING EPIGRAM LATELY SOME BAD POETRY AT TUNBRIDGE WELLS. [ From the General Evening Poft. ] OURJR patron Apollo, both wit and phyſician, At Tunbridge will grant us but half our petition ; We find by the waters, and what is here writ, That his phyfic he gives, but denies us his wit; No good can enfue, while he plays us this trick, For the fpring makes us well-but the verſe makes us fick ! FLORIO. TO ONE WHO WISHED TO DIMINISH THE VALUE OF A SOLICITED FAVOUR. IMITATED FROM MARTIAL. THEHE gift you afk is nought, you cry; Why then-I nought to thee deny. NEW READINGS. TWOWOcountry louts, fome fhort time fince, Of vaft great heads, but little fenſe, Were reading in a morning paper, About the continental vapour. At length, their learning quite to foil, Appear'd theſe words -a fine coup- d'œil. Both ftar'd, then ſpelt it o'er and o'er, Which ferv'd but to perplex them more. At length, quite tir'd, they both agreed, " Twaz zpelt zo bad, no one could read ; " " Yet ztop," fays Hodge, “ I haz him now, " "A cup of oil, it meanz, I trow : Yez, yez, that zpeaks itzelf the thing, Mix'd up with poizon for zum King. ' 'Twas cup of oil, they both agreed, "But zpelt zo bad no one could read. ” " Armée en male-there goze't again, I knowz as how there's no zuch thing; e5 "" 3 Thiz 346 THE CAPTIVES . " Thiz printer-man must be a vool, Or elze he neaver vent to zchoal. Army in maſs, indeed, what's that ? He be'z a vool-I tell'z him flat: He meanzthe army in a mess He means Mack's army-nothing lefs." Kingfland. J. M. THE CAPTIVES. YEE daughters of Albion, ye queens of her wave, Who fhare in the triumphs of beauty's gay hour ; Ye Freemen of England, undaunted who brave The vaunt of the tyrant, the threat of his power ; When Pleaſure adoring, ye circle her ſhrine, Or glow in the pride of your martial array; Oh! think at Verdun of the captives who pine, From the fame of the land of their fathers away. While difdainful of wrongs, o'er the tempeft- heav'd main, Defiance to tow'ring defiance be hurl'd ; And, true to the charter of Britons, ye reign The land-marks of freedom, the fhields of the world : Tothe captives of Gaul, from their far- diftant iſle, No tidings return their fad moments to cheer ; They partake not her perils, they ſhare not her toil, Noglories the dangers of valour endear. Had they met in this ftrife ftern captivity's chain, Had they bled in the battle, yet liv'd to repine ; Their hearts would the murmur of forrow difdain, And bleft were the ſtruggle fate bade them refign ; But no fword grac'd their conqueſt, no fame mark❜d their fall, Their errand was pleaſure, their fummons, delight ; They bow'd to the hate and the malice of Gaul, And funk the pale victims of tyranny's might. Oh! rear high your banners, and loud raiſe the fong Throughthe mirth- crowded hall, in the momentof glee ; And ftill may the flame of the patriot prolong Theguerdon of freedom, my country ! to thee. Yet ANECDOTE OF THE KING OF PRUSSIA. 347 Yet a figh the fair bofom of beauty may ſwell, And a thought to the couch of the captives may ſtray ; Where pining in gloom and in forrow they dwell, From the mirth of the land of their fathers away. Birmingham. J. ANECDOTE OF FREDERICK THE GREAT OF PRUSSIA. IN the reign of Frederick the Great of Pruffia, a certain chapel in Silefia was celebrated for the ex traordinary devotion paid in it to the Virgin. Her ftatue was adorned with coftly jewels, the gifts of her votaries. Among the worshippers was a Catholic fol dier, who often edified the people by the fervour of his devotion. The ftatue, however, was robbed, and even the devout foldier did not efcape fufpicion. He was fearched, and fome of the jewels found in his pocket. In his defence he maintained that the Vir gin, touched with his remarkable piety, had miracu loufly made him a prefent of the jewels . He was found guilty, however, of robbery and facrilege, and the warrant for his execution fent to the King for his fignature. The King affembled the most celebrated Catholic theologians of Silefia, and required them to pronounce whether it was poffible for the Virgin mi raculously to give away a prefent made to herfelf. The theologians were reduced to an awkward di lemma. They laid great ftrefs on the improbability of fuch a miracle, fo contrary to the fpirit of the church ; but confidering the queftion generally, they were obliged to admit the poffibility. On this, Frede rick annulled the fentence ; but added, that, as he had no powerto forbid the Virgin to give away what be longed to her, he ſhould forbid his foldiers, on pain of death, to receive any thing fhe might in future offer them ! a 6 THE ( 348 ) THE FOG. [From the Britiſh Preſs. ] SEVERAL curious miſtakes and accidents happened in the fog yeſterday. Mr. Pitt and Mr. Fox propofed to meet and make a fnug Cabinet, in Downing Street ; but Mr. Pitt fcram bled into the Treaſury, and Mr. Fox ftumbled upon the Oppofition Bench in the Houſe of Commons. An elegante of haut ton threw off her handkerchief to catch her lover ; but he could not fee her beauties. in the fog, and the caught a fevere cold. A Counſellor at Weſtminſter affured the jury that his caufe was at clear as the fun at noon-day. Judge obferved, that the court was all in afog. The Acertain theatrical Captain took a great fancy to Chambers in the Temple of Hymen ; but he wandered in the fog into the Court of King's Bench. It was faid that the Young Rofcius was defective in fome parts of Frederick, in Lovers' Vows. A dark fog came on, and no one could perceive a fingle fault. Mr. Sheridan fet out upon a vifit to Parnaffus ; but, miftaking his way, foon found himſelf in The Land we Live in, with Forty Thieves. Abeau ftopped to admire a Venus de Medicis, in Bond Street ; but, on clofe examination, diſcovered the fair ftatue of a faſhionable nude. A countryman miftook Doctors' Commons for Smithfield Market, fancying that he faw in the fog a great number of horned cattle. Mr. Corry propofed to walk quietly to the office of the Irish Chancellor of the Exchequer ; but Mr. Fof ter ftepped into his fhoes. Lord arofe at ten o'clock ; but found that my Lady was up before him, and had put on his breeches. __ THE ( 349 ) THE TAILORS. [From the European Magazine. ] SIR, BYyour Magazine I am forry to find that fome of my profeffion lately behaved in a very unfeam-ly manner at the Haymarket Theatre, which muſt have proceeded from Sheer ignorance. There is nothing in the entertainment of The Tailors at all calculated to offend the honour of the trade, for it is not in tended to burlefque them, but the poets of the day; perhaps, however, thefe geefe thought the ridicule le velled at both ; fince there appeared to be fome refem blance between the two profeffions. For inftance, the number nine is common to both ; for it takes nine Tailors to make a man, and nine Mufes to make a poet. They likewife both work by measure ; but the meaſures of the one generally produce a coat, &c. which is very feldom the cafe with the meafures of the other however, there is a fufficient fimilarity to confound weak underſtandings . I hope you will con tradict the report that many Mafter Tailors were par ties in the uproar ; for I affure you we are not guilty of fuch bad habits, nor will we fuffer our journeymen to chooſe what pieces fhall appear on the boards. I underſtand, theſe gentlemen have declared, that if any pantaloons are brought on the ſtage in future, they will ake more breeches of the peace. But I hope no well difpofed tailor will follow fuch bad patterns ; for the ninth part of men are not cut out for rioting ; they had therefore much better purſue peaceable meaſures ; particularly, as it appears that the Managers don't care a button for them, and are determined to com mencefuits against all fach-like offenders, that their jackets may be well trimmed. And although many of them maybe very clever at cuffs, I am certain, that if they pretend to enter the lifts with fuch notoriou bruiſe 350 EPIGRAMS. bruifers as Meffrs. Ellifton and Mathews, they will get double milled. At fome future opportunity I may, perhaps, re fume the thread of this difcourfe. I am, Sir, your obedient fervant, Bedfordbury.. SANDY M'CABBAGE, Mafter Tailor. EPIGRAM. [From the General Evening Poft.] A COLONEL, by Chronicles, late it appears, In ftyle gave a feed to his Crack Volunteers ; The diſhes were good, but the glaffes fo fmall, His heroes could fcarcely drink any at all. The Commandant thus to his right and left wing Said, " Gentlemen, charge, let us drink to the King !" Ajolly Sub. eying his glafs at the time, Cried, " Colonel, there's hardly enough for a prime. " LINES ON THE LAWYERS' CORPS BEING DRIVEN FROM THE TEMPLE CHURCH ON A FAST-DAY BY SMOKY CHIMNIES. LAW AW foldiers, when fafting, have no hearts for joking ; And though they ftand fire, they cannot ftand ſmoking ; So, leaving the Parfon and Clerk in the lurch, The " D-l's Own Corps" ran away from-the church. PASQUIN. IMPROMPTU. SOME tars o'er their grog, having heard that a Mack Was by Bonaparte taken, were all thrown aback ; Then queftion'd the boatfwain, what Mack it could be ; " No Mack," faid the boatſwain, " that's e'er been at fea. If ANECDOTE OF FOOTE. 351 If he has, I'll be frenzy, ," roar'd Old Pipes in a " He's not a M'Bride, nor yet a M'Kenzie ; No Mack, fince the Union, would e'er ftrike to Boney, So he's no Mack of ours, but fome Macaroni." ANECDOTE OF FOOTE. ANeccentric barber fome years ago opened a fhop under the walls of the King's Bench Prifon. The windows being broken when he entered it, he mended them with paper, on which appeared, " Shave for a penny," with the ufual invitation to cuſtomers ; and over his door was fcrawled the following poetry : Here lives Johnny Wright, Shaves as well as any man in England Almoft-not quite. Foote, who loved any thing eccentric, faw thefe infcriptions ; and hoping to extract fome wit from the author, whom he justly concluded to be an odd cha racter, he pulled off his hat, and thrufting his head through a paper pane into the fhop, called out, " Is Jemmy Wright at home?" The barber immediately thruft his head through another pane into the street, and replied, " No, Sir, he has juſt popt out." Foote laughed heartily, and gave the man a guinea. Woburn. EPIGRAM. HIS noggin fill'd three parts with gin, Tom puts but little water in ; And blam'd for this, the drunken lout Anſwers you thus, with looks devout : "St. Paul (and you'll allow him merit) Exprefsly fays Quench not the Spirit' !” P. A KNOCK- DOWN ( 352 ) A KNOCK-DOWN ARGUMENT. EPIGRAM. -Scit amor prifcis cedere imaginibus. HER ER efforts could not gain the door Dear Sally laid along the floor. " Sal, you unbelieving jade, You never credited my vow, How true I lov'd you when a maid ; Butfeel you not my paſſion now ?” J. H. A HORSE FOR AFTER DINNER. AN EPIGRAM. Sir - Myfriend, can get me a That will ride very quiet-and ferve as a fag ?". " Yes, I've one that will fuit you ; he's fteady and mild, And fo fafe in his paces, he'd carry a child. " " A child !" fays Sir Toby, " that is not the fort ; Do you think he can carry two bottles of port ?" ELOPEMENT EXTRAORDINARY. [From the Oracle. ] Y. MR. EDITOR, AMOST extraordinary occurrence has lately hap pened to me. Returning home from ' Change the other day, I was informed by the fervant that my wife (with whom for thirty years I had lived in the moft quiefcent ftate imaginable, except now and then being rather ruffled on washing- days) had eloped. As my Deary was rather remarkably dreft, being in flaming yellow, with a pink parafol, I eafily traced her, knowing her volubility, to the Magpies on Hounslow Heath, where I was told that the and a rough -headed Puppy had drank tea. Purfuing my rout, I heard at Maidenhead they had lept in the Jame ELEGIAC STANZAS. 353 fame room. Fired with indignation, I traced them to Newbury, where I heard ( and which I firmly be lieved) that he had combed her companion's head. At Marlborough, the waiter faid, the lady and her affo ciate were certainly very intimately connected, as they quarrelled inceffautly. You may conceive my fenfa tion on hearing this intelligence ; but you cannot con ceive my furprife, when having followed them to Bath, I rushed into the room , and found that my wife had travelled poft to afford her lap- dog the benefit of the waters. Yours, JEREMIAH HENPECK . ELEGIAC STANZAS TO THE MEMORY OF HENRY THE FIRST, EMPEROR OF GARRATT, SURNAMED DIMSDALE THE MUFFIN- MAN, [From the Morning Poft. ] STILL be each ruder ftrain ! let founds of woe From ev'ry flute, from ev'ry fiddle flow ; Let the French horn with echoing twang deplore For, ah! Imperial Harry is no more ! Untimely gone ! alas ! how fallen, low, Are all the glories which enrich'd his brow ! No more fhall Garratt own his gentle ſway, Nor Broad St. Giles's liften to his lay ; No more his prefence fhall her gin-fhops cheer, No more his plaſtic hands fhall muffins rear ; Nor e'er again the dainty crumpet fpread For ' t was his pride to give his fubjects bread. Rife then, my Mufe ; and, while his lofs you weep, Let not his virtues in oblivion ſleep. Although th' Imperial Diadem he wore, " How meekly all his faculties he bore ! " No blood, no carnage, mark'd his peaceful reign ; No wild ambition ever fir'd his brain ; No midnight murder thall his annals ſtain . His hands were ſtretch'd to país the cordial fup, But poifon never lurk'd within the cup ; } He 354 THE GENEROUS CREDITOR. He caus'd no figh to heave, no tear to gufh Read this, O Emperor of France, and bluſh ! Peace to thy fhade, great Harry !—it is true A Raggamuffin Emperor were you; The Emprefs, like fome others, but a wench, The tap thy palace, and thy throne a bench ; Though guard of honour ne'er did round thee wait, Still you had black-guards to attend thy ſtate ; And tears as honeſt ſhall lament thy doom, As ever water'd an ufurper's tomb : By merit rais'd to fill the vacant feat, When Jeffery's fpirit founded a retreat ; When all St. Giles's rang with notes of woe, That gin and age had laid the hero low ! Fir'd by the honours of his mighty name, How did you emulate his honeft fame ; The alehoufe-keeper's forrows foon were dry, And foon the trembling tear was wip'd from tripeman's eye. Farewell! great Emperor, a long farewell ! No more backbiters round thy throne ſhall dwell ; The anxious cares of Government are o'er, And crumpets, muffins, thou fhalt bake no more ;— Unlike thy brother Emperor of Gaul, Whoſe mad ambition urges on his fall ; Thou in thy humble grave ſecure ſhalt lie, No widow's groan fhall blaft thy memory; But when his favage ſpirit fhall have fled, Worlds will rejoice that fuch a fiend is dead ! HUDIBRAS, Jun. THE GENEROUS CREDITOR. A BON MOT. "Io " the OWE you a drubbing," cries Frank in a pet : debt." CHRISTMAS ( 355 ) CHRISTMAS GAMBOLS. THEHE transparent dreſſes of our faſhionable young ladies were very much againſt the Chriſtmas di verfion of hunt the flipper ; as the play had no fooner begun than the game was diſcovered. The game of blindman's buff opened the eyes of many an unfufpecting citizen, who, in groping his way blindfold, unfortunately placed his hand upon his own horns. A lady of quality, extremely fond of innocent and ruralfports, was difcovered, on Christmas Eve, play ing at the old game of more facks on the mill with a Militia Colonel. Yeſterday a boarding-fchool Mifs, after breaking a merrythought with the Parfon of the parish, fet off to Gretna Green with her gallant, a beau of fifty years ftanding, to confummate her wishes. Cards, as ufual, were in general request on Chrift mas Day the prevailing games were laugh and lay down at the weft end of the town ; commerce in the city; and twopenny put at the east end of the town. The Union pipes gave great fatisfaction among the Chriſtmas mufic parties. Since horns have been difregarded, they are more frequently called into´ fervice. The pleaſures of the miletoe- bough were princi pally fought after by old maids, who finished their Christmas gambols by a game at Snap- dragon in the dark. THE HUSBAND'S COMPLAINT. [From the Morning Herald.] TO THE EDITOR. SIR, IF you can find room for this letter, I wiſh you would ; for I don't fee why a poor man may not make his complaints ; and I am fure I have caufe enough ; for, 356 THE HUSBAND'S COMPLAINT. for, what with the hard times, and my wife's vagaries, I believe I fhall run mad. Here was I, but a little time back, getting on in the world, mafter of a good bufmefs, with two jour neymen and a tight lad of a ' prentice, paying my way, making all ends meet, and pleafing myſelf with the notion that one day or other I fhould hold up my head with the beft of the trade ; and this I verily think would have come to pafs, if my Bet had not held it fit, and right, and proper, todo as others do, that know how to live, for fo the calls cramming a parcel of ac quaintances, that ſhe does not care a farthing for, with hot fuppers, punch, and even wine, becaufe that's moft genteel: the fays, it's a fhame to hugger-mugger on without making a little figure now and then ; that every body gives entertainments, and that one hears of nothing but fuch a one's dinners, and fuch a one's parties; and how fhould people expect to bethought of, ifthey don't try to rife a little above the low vul gar fcum that nobody cares for ?-This, and a great deal more ſtuff, I am dinned with every day, and all brought about by Madam's reading a pack of nonfen fical books, fhewing how poor folks are all at once made rich by fairies or hobgoblins, and newfpapers in which there is little to be found but hiftories of eating, drinking, and making merry. In the mean time I and my men are almoft ftarved ; for, in order to fave for great occafions, we live ( if living it can be called) on fcraps and cold bits. In fhort, every thing is turned topfy- turvy, and I am not the man I was a few years back, by many good pounds of flesh . This comes of giving women their way. Bet was a nice girl when I married her, that's for certain ; and ſo you fee the got the upper hand at the firſt ſet off, and I never durft ſpeak my mind, from that day to this. Now, after all , is it not a fhame that great folks, who ought to know beft, and fet us a good THE HUSBAND'S COMPLAINT.. 357 good example, fhould lead fuch lives, and feem to care for nothing but rioting and all manner of wicked nefs ? I am but an ignorant man; but, to mythink ing, they ought to be afraid, in thefe times of perils. and dangers ; for, though they have turned almoſt all of us into foldiers, yet, according to my mind, if they would turn themfelves into good men, we fhould all feel more bold at heart. Now, though I don't read novels, like my wife, I remember one of our Club that knew more than us all put together, who fpoke a fine ſpeech from a fine play, fomething about being locked up in fteel" with a bad confcience. I don't remember the right words, but I know I thought it founded as true as if it had been in our fa mily Bible. As for this Corfican Frenchman, who fays he will get the better of us, and make us flaves, in my poor notion he'll do no fuch thing, if we do but ſtick faft to the good old caufe of true English honefty, and leading good lives, and " rendering to Cæfar what is due unto Cæfar ; " thinking lefs about ourſelves, and more of our neighbours, and not coveting other folks goods, nor running away with their wives ; and, once for all, trying to frighten this little boafting tiger, by letting him fee how much better we are than himſelf, and that God protects us, which to be fure he will do, if we mind what he has taught us : and the gentry ought not to forget that this feafon means fomething more than feafting on turkey and mince-pies ; that to clothe the naked, and feed the hungry, is the beſt way of fhewing their refpect for Christmas Day; that a fteady determination of abiding by our faith, and a dutiful obedience to the commands of our Saviour, will sharpen our fwords, and give courage to our hearts , nor thall we need to fear the arts or power of a wicked man, who has looked no further than this world, of which he wants to be the mafter, and to gain which 358 THE WIFE'S ANSWER . which he has not cared how many fouls he has fent out of it. But, Sir, they will all cry againſt him, if he does not try to mend his ways, and, if he would take my advice, endeavour to make peace with us, who, notwithstanding our miſdemeanours, are a pretty deal better than him, with all his grandeur, his Popes, and his crowns ! Lord help him ! what will it all avail him, if he does not take up and repent, which that he and all of us may do, and to the purpoſe, is the true with of SOLOMON PLANE. THE WIFE'S ANSWER. [From the Morning Herald. ] MR. EDITOR, FURSTcome furft ferved ; and my grumbling huf band having got the ftart of me, I fuppofe you wont think a letter of mine worth your notis. How ever, I would have you no, that being brought up gentelly, and boarded at a purlite fcool, I wont turn my back as to riting to nobody, much more fuch a dunce as Solomon, who nofe well enuff how my friends found faut with me for marring him with the fortin I had, neer too hundred pound I can tell you, Sir, and came of a famely that have been uſed to the tong; but I believe I was bewitched with his fmothe face, though its ruff enuff now, and his wedeling promifis of how he'd love me, and that I fhud be miftrefs of him, and of every thing ; and, after all this, to dare to complane of me, and ofmy extravigence, and keep ing company. Pour lo cloun-who would kepe his, I wonder, but a parfil of fots at a hatful club, ware I fuppofe he has made himſelf pot-vallent, or he durft not have rote fuch ftuff. A pritty feller indede, to dare to give his opinion of grate fokes, and thare waze ; as if they fhud not no better than a fet of drunkin tradefmen. THE WIFE'S ANSWER. 359 tradefmen. What ideers can they have of delicut fen cibellety, or the ennergis of a grate mind, that fores biond the comon herd of hanemels little above the bruts of the feeld . As to telling the gentery how to lay out thare munny, it is to be hoped they no beſt thare own affares, and the duce is in it if thay are not charetible enuff, when thare ' s no end to fufcriptiuns and ofpitols, and pour- houſes, and all that fort of thing. As to eting and drinking at Chriſtmas, it's bin the custom ever fince the world was made ; and does he no better then King Solomon in all his glory ? No, no, though he bares his name, he is but a worm in kumpariſon of that wize monurcke, who indulged him felf with the beſt of evry thing.-As to his nofhons about Boneparty, thats like all the reſt of his traſh. Pece indede ! a fine ftory ; but he was alwais a mene fneke, or he would not have thort of fuch a thing. What can be finer then to fe all the trupes marching out with the mufik and drums, and exurcicing from morning to nite fomeware or other. Manny a ple fent day have I and Mifs Draul ſpent in watching em and hering the guns, and evry thing looking fo chare ful, and making holaday almoft the weke round. And wat have we to do but conker when it cums to the pinch, with fuch charming bold men as we have got alredy, and when all our new regimens are razed, whos affrade, as the man fais in the play ? Perils and dangers--a fig for em. And as to Bony, who woud go to give him advis of all fokes, for the more rong he is, and the wors he behavs, the better for us. And wen we have fais of me, we can make wat bargain we plefe, and he for his part will be glad to make up with us, and fend us prefents of fome ofthe fine things that he has got horded up, which he ftole from evry place he has gone to, and all the Emperors and Queens letting him do wat he plefed, becauſe they had not the ſpirit to ſay got the upper hand, as my huſband no. 4. 360 HOPE'S GARLAND .. no. He wont find us fuch milkfops ; and as to we wemen, weel let him no whos at home, and pack him off with a flee in his ear.-As to a ftupid pece, I've no noſhon of it , to make us all as dull and as flepy as my dunderhed fpous. And for taxis and hard times, its all noncence. I am fure peeple never dreft better, nor looked better, nor yet lived better, then thay do now. And fo, Mifter Solomon, you may wine out your complants, and cry at our mifdemeners as you plefe. Its my umor to laff and injoy myſelf. So I fay, a merry Chriftmus, and happy new year, witch that we may all partake of, is the wifh of ELIZA WILHELMINA PLAne. HOPE'S GARLAND. [From the Morning Herald. ] A LETTER addreffed " to Francis Annefley, Efq. M. P." by Thomas Hope, gave birth to this work, the intereft of which is very much increaſed by the lucubrations of the celebrated Van Butchel, who, with an amiable alacrity, condefcended to furnish notes, wherein the received maxim , that " modefty is effential to true criticifm, " is most happily com bated, and refuted. Lo! Tommy Hope, beyond conjecture, Sits judge fupreme of architecture; Contracts his brows, and, with a fiat, Blights the fair fame of claffic Wyatt, And gravely proves himſelf alone was able To form a palace very like—a ſtable. Tommyto no man holds a candle ; He knows a cornice, moulding, fpandle; Defpifes porticos and niches, Difplays a mine of mental riches ; And, to fupport his fcientific ftrictures, Bids us behold his furniture and fixtures. Tommy, 3 TRIA JUNCTA IN UNO. 361 Tommy, a child, Vitruvius noted ; Tranfcrib'd Paufanias, Euclid quoted ; Maturer grown, ſuſtain'd privations ; Scan'd nien and things, and diftant nations ; In Flanders ſkated when the fky was murky, And bar'd his limbs, and whiſkers wore in Turkey. Difdaining to beftride his hobby, In clofet, parlour, hall, or lobby, In eight years' hardships, toils, and dangers, ' Midit Attic friends and Tartar ftrangers, With depth of purfe, with parts and perfon active, He rov'd-till roving ceas'd to be attractive. Then who ſhall dare to doubt his knowledge In framing plans to grace a college ? Or taunt him, under candour's banners, Of both ill nature and ill manners ? Wiſdom forbid for, to our taſte's falvation, Tommy fhines forth the Phoebus of the nation. Fam'd for fine feſtivals and feeding, Fine thoughts, fine language, and fine breeding, This man of men, this world's prime wonder, Wielding his pen as Jove wields thunder, With unaffuming merit proudly quarrels, And adds new wreaths to all his former laurels ! TRIA JUNCTA IN UNO; OR, THREE IN ONE. [From the Hampſhire Telegraph and Suffex Chronicle. ] J JOHN Bull was wont to ſcout a triple evil, Form'd by the Pope, Pretender, and the Devil; But ev'ry day in Paris now is fhown This late triumvirate compreſs'd in one : St. Peter's power deftroy'd, abforpt, o'erthrown, Forms a backjewel of the new-caft crown ; With which adorn'd, the boift'rous nation- render Acts the full parts of Devil and Pretender ! Portsmouth. VOL. IX. R R. BREED ( 362 ) BREED OF JUVENILE ROSCII. [Original .] THE London mania HE upon this fubject, which, with all due acknowledgment of talents of uncommon promife, was not exceeded by the amateurs of the Rabbit-woman, Bottle- conjuror, Cock Lane Ghoft, &c. all of equally ridiculous memory, has inundated the provinces with ftreamlets of folly ! A quadrupedal profeffor (as he learnedly ftyles himſelf in his two-foot hand- bills) had furpaffed his fellow-puffers, by adding to the cast of his fhow, at a neighbouring fair, " that his company (of dancing dogs !) had the felicity to compriſe the marvellous, renowned, and furprising original, young Rofcius Towferolla, who for grace, agility, attitude, and expreffion, defied the efforts of all the dogs in the feveral ſpheres of the univerſe, from the days of Tobit to thofe of Buonaparté ! This Super-miraculous canine wonder, being equally and claffically great in the fnap defendendo, the bark com batanto ; the howl affetuofo, the growl marrowbono, the yelpfubmittanto, and the entrée amorofo ; deline ating the feveral beaftificatory paffions with ftrength, delicacy, and excellence not to be conceived, but by the payment of the price of admiffion, Sixpence each, every hour during the fair. N. B. Theprofeſſor being endowed with the mother of the above grandeft and laft beft effort of nature, will have the happiness to fupply brother Stagyrites and arbitters deliciofos with young Rofcius puppies on reafonable terms, as Mel pomene is expected to be en couchée within a fort night.-Application to be made at the Young Rofcius Manufactory, in the Market Place, between the acts. " Vivunt Rofcius eft Efopus." Portſmouth, 1805. THE ( 363 ) THE INFANT MANIA. [ From " THE TOWNSMAN, " a Manchefter Paper.] LETTER FROM JEREMY SHUFFLEBOTTOM. MR. TOWNSMAN. SIR, As I understand you to be a perfon of the firſt im portance and information in the affairs of the Manchester Green Room, I take the liberty of intro ducing myfelf, through your medium, to the notice of the worthy manager, whofe liberality is fo well known throughout the country. It is not for myſelf that I want an engagement, but for the little Shuffle bottoms, who are three as fine children as ever fmelled, the lamp. I confider myself very fortunate in being a Benedict, as fruitful theatrical wives are likely to be very ſcarce, confidering the double inducement there is for performers to intermarry, that they may " increafe and multiply." Mifs Biddy Shufflebottom was the firft fruit of our fortunate nuptials. She can caper like a cherub. Veftris is a dancing bear to her. She is wonderfully attractive in an egg -fhell ballet, which the goes through without a fingle crash . Indeed, fuch is her lightneſs, that her friends have called her the Infant Goffamer, by which name fhe is caft in the bills of the day. Nice Ear, in the Fairy Tales, might lay his head to the ground without hearing a tread, ſo that you may well fuppofe the ſteps into the good graces of an au dience with eclat. My fecond offspring is Mafter Cymon Shufflebottom, rather unlucky in his Chriftian name, through the dotage of an old, rich godfather, who, for all that, died, and left the poor lad heir to all that he could get. He plays upon the Pandean Pipes, and accompanies his fifter from the orcheftra to fuch admiration, that I have named him myfelf the Young Satyr. And R 2 even 364 THE INFANT MANIA. even if he ſhould fail to make his fortune by his pipes, the boy is handfome, and, I doubt not, will one day meet with his Iphigenia. Thefe two, Mr. Townfman, are prodigies ; but as for my third infant, Mafter Jonathan Shufflebottom, the youngest Rofcius, he is fcarcely feven years old, and let him but be feen by the town of Mancheſter, I'll not lay a fmall wager, but I'll take his next be nefit's receipts, that the London Newſpapers dare not give their readers a fingle hoax more about little Betty's correct emphafis, his maturity of judgment, his nice difcrimination, fo fatisfactory to the most delicate ear of criticism , or his manly enunciation. I hate to hear fuch gag about a Goliath of thirteen, when my boy, the youngeſt Rofcius, is but rifing feven, and knows as much of ftage play as John Kemble him felf. From the education this child of promife has received, he cannot fail to take. For inftance, whilft he was weaning, in order that he might inhale the truefpirit of Shakspeare, even from his mother's milk, I gave a couple of Strangers for a haunch of venifon for Mrs. Shufflebottom, as I knew it muſt have been the favourite food of our bard, or he never would have. ftolen deer in Warwickshire. To give him a chance of excelling his lucky predeceffor, his food principally confifted of Shrewſbury cakes, made with the beft Bel faft butter ; which, independent ofthe nutriment they contained, ferved to remind him at once of the birth place of Mafter Betty, and of the fcene ofaction where puerile exertions were firft encouraged. When he was three years old, I thought it full time for himto beginftudy: Douglas was his Horn- book, Barbaroffa was his Primer, and Hamlet was his Reading made eafy. It was then that the infant's ſpirit firft broke loofe, and he lifped, in the tone of infpiration itſe " I fhall die ifI muft not be a player !"-You will, I dare fay, be pleaſed with my mode of chaſtifing and rewarding THE INFANT MANIA. 365 rewarding him. Inftead of the rod, I accuſtomed him to the terrors of a hifs ; and, whilft other parents uſed gingerbread and plum- cake, I ftimulated the foul of the youngeſt Rofcius by a clap of the hands. This was to inure him to the oppofite caprices of an au dience, and to enable him, fhould an illiberal row take place during his performance, to come forward with modeft affurance, as far as the lamps, and requeſt one half of the audience to turn out the other. The arrival of the youngest Rofcius in Mancheſter, will not only be announced in the play-bills, but I fhall alſo advertiſe that a moſt ſtriking likeness of him is juft publiſhed, to be had at the lodgings of his loving father, Mr. Jeremy Shufflebottom, at the trifling price of two guineas, " money down." Your theatre, Mr. Townfman, on a full night, I underſtand , refembles the black hole of Calcutta ; and, no doubt, the careful manager will not only take care to plant, in King Street and Spring Gardens, a troop of horfe from the barracks, to keep out the crowd, but will alſo ftation in the boxes, and other parts of the houfe, your active police officers, for the due prefervation of peace and good order. The beft furgical affiftance fhould alfo be kept in readineſs, at the Concert Tavern, to receive there the accidents that muft unavoidably hap pen, fuch as fuffocation, or the fracture of a precious limb. There will alfo be, every morning, a great fcramble amongst footmen, porters, and dyers, to fe cure places in the boxes for their mafters, which I can eafily prevent on the benefit of the youngeſt Rofcius, by giving notice that places for that evening muft be procured at my lodgings. I thall there, for the ge neral accommodation, not charge more than an Abra ham Newland for each fingle feat, as long as I can get that fum, and fill up the remainder of the places with crowns. I fhall alfo prevail upon the band to give up the orcheſtra (for that night only) , and I trust they B 3 will 366 THE INFANT MANIA. will not prove difcordant on fo particular an occafion, and appropriate it for the ufe of their own families. Laftly, I fhall let feats on the ftage at half- a-guinea each, and the good folks fhall be very orderly arranged at the back of the ftage, upon benches, one row above another, up to the very ceiling, like the little maſters and miffes at your dancing- mafters' balls. Let the gods fcout it as they like, it is a fufficient treat for them to fee the Young Rofcius, without the fight of canvaſs- daubs into the bargain. If the gallery ftill continue refractory at the innovation, the child fhall be tutored to come forward, and deign to permit their removal for his benefit. I hope, however, that, ſhould any ladies and gentlemen, thus difpofed of, be difap pointed, they will not be fo ungenteel as to ask for their money again. And now, Mr. Townfman, I need not dwell upon the univerfal emotion that will be felt by the audience, when the infant appears to make his bow. You your felfwill be a witnefs how he'll bring them down ; howthefairfex will but blefs the little creature when they fee him ftride about the ſtage like a fweet little angel as he is. Avaunt then, ye fcribbling critics ! I have no doubt of becoming rich enough to fecure whole columns in the newfpapers, long before our tranf lation to London. I fhall then defy your malice ! You cannot, for your fouls, pafs the flighteft cenfure on myfon's mode of fpeaking, for torrents of difin terested applaufe will drown every word ! I have the honour to be, Mr. Townſman, Your most devoted, moft obfequious, Humble fervant, JEREMY SHUFFLEBOTTOM. THE ( 367 ) THE STAGE. MR. EDITOR, I OBSERVE, with infinite regret, the increafing de generacy of the British ftage. -The well- earned fame of the Young Rofcius has difturbed the hornet's neft ; nothing now is heard but of the " Infant Bil lington," the " Theatrical Phenomenon," and little ftars eclipfing the radiance of the noon- day fun. The paffions can now be gloriously reprefented by boys of two, and girls of one year old ! -They can paint, be caufe exquifitely they can feel, the ftrong emotions of love ! hate ! madnefs ! and revenge ! -Love ! for a cake-hate ! of a rod-the madness of folly-and re venge upon the ftool that threw them down ! -Hail, heavenly nature ! Where is the merit, becauſe where is the wonder in the acting of a man ?-But, in chil dren, nature triumphs, unfhackled by the rules of art. -Farewell, then, Kemble and Cooke, Braham and Incledon ; ye have lived too long ! Hide then, at once, your diminiſhed heads-for a boy of a year and an half old ! (pretty creature ! ) fhall give you Zanga with fuperlative effect ; and one fcarcely half his age, vociferate for " a horfe," in the fimple fcene of Richard the Third !-A Mafter Mori we have, and the little boy has, indeed , real merit to recommend him ; but a Baby Braham fhall foon arife, to fing duets with the Infant Billington, eftablishing, by the novel wonders of their united voices, a new code of tafte ! (a true one too, no doubt ; ) thereby juftly fcaring from the ftage all ignorant and prefuming adults ! In this age of wonders what is not to be expected ? Ere long, we may hope to hear of new-born infants uthered upon the theatre of the world, ready accoutred in fock and bufkin, plumed helm, and martial ſhield ! ranting, before their eyes are fairly opened on the light, R 4 fome 368 A DIALOGUE BETWEEN fome infignificant thing from Shakspeare, as a mere coup d'effai ; fuch, for example, as pourtraying with moft delicious effect the mad jealoufy of Othello, or heart-riving wildnefs of the frantic Lear !-Oh ! age of reafon !-moft aufpicious period ! --now, and now only, have we gained the true criterion of taſte ! yielding up our till now deluded fouls, to the all - con quering influence of untutored nature !-If this dif tinguiſhed mania continue, and furely it will, while men can reafon, our ftage will become a fantoccini, and the boafted English drama, changed into a puppet Show, become the laugh of poliſhed nations ! I am, Sir, &c. &c. R-SA M-DA. A DIALOGUE BETWEEN CAPTAIN BULL AND HIS SHIP'S CREW*. [Original.] Captain. HARK ye, Boatfwain, turn the hands out, and ſee every man to his quarters. Boatfwain. Ay, ay, but what's the matter? yon look chop- fallen, my brave Captain. Captain. Why matter enough, my trufty ; the Car penter was here juft now, pale and out of breath, and fays he is afraid the fhip is foundering. The rafcally pilots we took in at India Bill Point, after having

• Thisjeu d'efprit (the author tells us) was written on the fpur of the occafion, at the time when Mr. P and fome of his coadjutors relinquished the reins of gtin fo extraordinary a manner ; but (our work being at that time unknown by the writer) has been lying by ever fince difregarded. As, however, in the extraordinary revolutions of

the great political wheel, the circumftances of the preſent time are very analogous to thofe under which this production was penned, and as many, indeed moft of the fame actors which were then alluded to, are again in nearly fimilar fituations (although tome few are changed, and others are gone off the ftage) , the writer has fent it to us, and we readily give it a place in our collection ; having added to it a few con jectural notes. fet CAPTAIN BULL AND HIS SHIP'S CREW. 369 fet us at logger-heads about French atheiſm and jaco binifm , have been kicking up a duft with fome of the Irish lads below about religion ; and now, like poltrons, afraid to abide the pelting of the ftorm, they have hoifted out the long-boat, and are making for fhore. You fee at what a defperate rate we are run ning; how we are crowded with fail ; how our feams are opening; what prodigious feas we are ſhipping, upon a lee fhore ; a tremendous ftorm brewing in all quarters ; not a fingle fail handed ; crammed with paper and light ſtuffs, inſtead offolid ballaft ; reduced to fhort allowance ; all but our fheet anchor gone ; and an enemy's fhip in fight : I am almoft frantic. The governors of the island obliged me to put to fea in fuch a trim ; they perfuaded me that my old charts and efpecially the Great one t, which had fafely guided my anceſtors through many a ftorm, were good for nothing; that even my compafs, which had carried me clean into many a port, and was furmounted with the cap of liberty, did not traverfe truly, and that I must take on board fome new- fangled ones, embla zoned with coats of arms, highly gilt and varniſhed, and covered with I know not what tinfel and trum pery ; they have run us almoſt upon the breakers, and, as I learn from the Carpenter, have leftus their laft bleffing, fome land - lubbers of the fame kidney, who are to fteer by the fame compafs, and follow theſe fame charts. Theſe are thofe mongrel curs we took in at Portland Race 1. I have fince learnt fomething of their history, and fhall keep a good look- out after them , left they ſhould blow up the veffel . They have, I find, been fome trips to the Coast ofGuinea, in a Liverpool fave-trader ; they then went on board the

• Cath- cs.

The P-d Adm- n. R 5 M-a Ch-ta. Conftitution 370 A DIALOGUE BETWEEN Conftitution brig, which they foon upfet and left on her beam- ends. When the daftardly pilots who have deferted our fhip, found their danger, and began to dread our anger, they hove out a fignal for theſe fel lows to come on board ; they broke open the purfer's cheft, gave each of them a handful of yellow - boys to drink the King's health, broached all our cafks of port, drank confufion to infidel Frenchmen, were as merry as Momus, and at laſt made themfelves as drunk as David's fow. You fee then what blood theſe chaps are of; take care they don't get hold of the wheel. Where's the Carpenter? - Carpenter. Here, my worthy.. Captain. Well ; to the pumps, my lad, fee that they are clear ; get all the junk you can to caulk the feams ; and if you can't find junk enough, cram in fome of that rafcally hat-paper we have on board ; there's too much of it by half ; if one tries to pocket it, it immediately creeps out like a wild oat, and when it has begun creeping, it creeps on till it tickles one ' to death, and then d'ye fee it ' s fo light and tender withal, that if there comes a puff of wind, up it goes, and it's a hundred to one but it fets you coughing till you abfolutely die of an afthma ; it falls about one's eyes and ears like a cloud of fnow, and if any quantity of it happens to ftick upon a man, he be comes a kind of monfter, a mere avalanche, a great ill-fhaped walking fnow- ball. Part of the Crew from below. Captain ! Captain ! thefe fellows have got hold of the wheel, and they're kicking up a defperate riot ; fome of them are fulky, others are ftamping, and grinning, and fwearing ; fome are fawning and cringing ; fome are bowing this way, and others that ; they ' Il run the fhip afhore in fpite ofour teeth ; fhe yaws and whiffles about like a wea thercock ; the water is pouring in at all the ports and fcuttles ; we tell them to let us try what we can do ; CAPTAIN BULL AND HIS E 14J ON I SHIP'S CREW. 37 do ; but they fwear that if we are not quiet, they'l clap us in irons, and bundle us neck and crop under the hatches. They tell us we have no right to our own bodies , and that if we are faucy we fhall not much longer have a right to our own heads. Indeed, Sir, you must interfere, or we fhall all go to the bottom . Captain. Are things then come to this pafs ? od's my life, but I'll make ' em all let go, or I'll kick them overboard and turn ' em into dab-chicks ; ftick to ' em, myboys, till I come down; I'll foon be among them, and then the plague fhall feize the hindmoft. I have hitherto been as patient as a lamb, I have almoſt loſt my manhood, and have been hysterical, and vapour ifh, and timid, and mealy- mouthed, and indeed every thing but what I ought to have been ; for thofe hy pocritical dogs who have juft cut and run, pofitively had frightened me out of my fenfes, with their ſtories about hobgoblins, raw-heads and bloody- bones, and anthropophagi Jacobins, who live on pies and pud dings made of the legs and wings of aristocrats ; but I'm no longer to be bamboozled with fuch old wives' fables, and mean now to act with the fpirit becoming the Captain of the good fhip Britannia. Crewfrom below. Good cheer, Captain ! theſe chaps are fighting among themſelves about the gilt orna ments round the binnacle ; they fwear they'll cut each other's throats, and they can't hold on and fight too, that's very clear ; we may perhaps yet be able to hoift them into the hold, and fave the fhip . Captain. Right, my fouls of ginger ! Halloo below there ! where ' s Charley † ? Charles. Here, my worthy, all right and tight.

• Sufpenfion of H-s C-s A&t.

R6 + F-x. Captain. 372 A DIALOGUE BETWEEN Captain. Well then, to the helm, my boy, in a flafh ; pull your hands out of your breeches pockets, and button them up taught ; ftick your arms clofe to your fides, that you may have a good purchaſe, and for the life of you don't begin fhaking your elbows ; take care you don't daub your blue and buff jacket with the tar theſe beggarly fellows have left behind them, and don't go whistling about for fome of the tawdry gentlemen with blue coats and red capes *, embroidered ruffles, and blue ribands to help you. Remember you once caught cold at that game, and as I'm a living man, if I catch you again at the fame fport, I'll tie a twelve-pound fhot to your heels, and fend youdown in a hurry to open oyfters for Neptune ; truft to your own crew, they are all hearty fellows. There's Capability Dickt; he's a well ſpoken, clever, and fhrewd lad ; give him a birth near you, but tell him not to lick the yellow paint ; he's rather a hungry, liquorice-mouthed young dog, and I'm afraid not over-nice in his eating ; there may be fome danger of his poisoning himſelf, but he's a long- headed chap, and a fellow of mettle, and has true English blood running in his veins. There's Billy that came from the diftillery; he's a very honeft, capable, fteady, induftrious young fellow ; ay, and he can talk very well when he pleafes, and he loves the old fhip as dearly as I do myfelf. Your namefake in the grey§ coat is one of the fame fort, and as bold, clever, and hearty a lad as ever trod a deck ; ay, and fo is the brewer'sfon ; he's withal a tender- hearted youth, and the poor man's friend. There's the rough- headed ¶ W- r uniform. W. Sm-th. Wh-bread. + Sh-dan. Gr-y. Ti-ney. chap CAPTAIN BULL AND HIS SHIP'S CREW. 373 chap who FOUGHT with the tefty old Pilot, and almoſt darkened his day- lights ; he ' ll cling to the wheel like a bull- dog, and bite like a fhark at every man who looks like a rogue. There are many other good tars on the main-deck who will lend you a hand ; and there are fome too, here, on the quarter- deck, who are very jolly and trufty blades'; they've got on their rigging, and are all ready and willing to take a fpell . There's that young man from Holland *, and the other from Bedford t, they are fine fhipmates ; the blood in their veins is as rich as the juice of a Faler nian grape, and they'll fhed it every drop rather than fuffer the good fhip Britannia to be made a wreck. There's the old Irish foldier , who piped his eye, and with his honeft fift wiped away the big tear that ftole down his manly cheek, when he faw fome poor fellowsflogged, half- hanged, and picquetted. There's black Jack S, that brown-muzzled old tar, who once hoarfely bawled, " May God defert me ifI defert my mafter," and was fhoved out of his birth for faying fo ; he's none of your noify, barking, yelping pup pies ; but, like a true English bull-dog, looks glum, gives a growl, and then ſticks his teeth into the very bones of his enemies ; only give him elbow-room enough, let him hold in his own way, and he ' ll haul till he carries away the lafhing of his breeches. There's the old grey-headed coxfwain who came from on board the Grafton || Indiaman ; he has, it is true, been taking a long nap in the forecaſtle ; but if duty call , I'll warrant he'll roufe and ftump along the deck as faft as his old legs can carry him ; he'll cheer you with the brightnefs and ferenity of his countenance, if he is too old to lend you a hand. There's he with + Lord H-nd. L-d M-ra. D-e of G- }}, + D-e of B-d. SL-d Th-low. whom 374 A DIALOGUE BETWEEN any whom you once had a little fracas ; I believe he's a trufty and well-informed feaman. Come ! tip him your daddle, man, forget old feratches, and be friends ; he'll work like a negro, ay, and he can tell a good ftory, he has feen a great deal of the world, he's as fharp-fighted as a hawk, and let me tell you he's no novice at fteering. I don't think he can handle the wheel in fuch ftyle as yourfelf ; but neverthelefs, I believe him to have a very ſteady and a very ftrong hand. There are two or three more who are honeſt and clever boys ; only call for them , and I'll fend them to you like a flash of lightning, but don't have of thofe whooping, impudent baftards, who are always bawling out Wha wants me ?-don't have any thing to do with little Will o'the wifpt, who is al ways popping about and crying, Light, your honour. There are, to be fure, fome fparks of vitality about the lad, and he ſeems, upon the whole, a good-hearted and well-meaning fellow ; but then he's fo incon fiftent in his likes and diflikes, that for the life of me I can make neither head nor tail of him. He ' ll fight like a game-cock to knock off the fetters of a poor negro ; but he ' ll work like a coal-heaver to en flave a white man ; he'll call him an unbeliever and afinner, and then he'll hurl him headlong into Tophet. Let me tellyou he's a dangerous kind of a chap ; for he'll fhew a light to you for a moment, and when you are just on the edge of the hatchway, he'll dowſe the glim, and then plump you go, head foremoſt into the hold. I don't love him ; there's fomething fo phofphoric in his nature, that he's abfolutely the opprobrium philofophiæ. Take care too that you have no dealings with Sam ‡, who was a partner with the pawnbrokers in Threadneedle Street, nor with that

• M-s of Lanf-wne.

Th-ton. + Wi-f-ce. grave CAPTAIN BULL AND HIS SHIP'S CREW. 375 / grave faced, parfon- like looking man whom we dub Sir Dick. Thefe people frighten me out of my very fenſes ; they are a kind of monftrous craws in the cre ation ; they are ventriloquifts I fwear, for I have often heard them crying peace with their mouths, and at the fame moment roaring out war and deftruction from their bellies ; if they come near me, they abfo lutely make my hair ftand on- end ; for they feem fometimes to ſpeak from their purfes, and fonetimes from their Shoes ; fometimes they throw their voices into my own pockets, and abfolutely talk to me out of my own belly: if they had a mouth before and a mouth behind, I fhould know better what to make of them ; but for the foul of me, I believe they are all over mouths. Where their hearts lie is to me an un fearchable mystery, and I'd gladly go a voyage to the Eaft Indies if I could fee one of them diffected. If they have the fame effect upon you, Charles, that they have upon me, I'm fure you'd let go the wheel, and, like the affrighted oftrich, cram your head into the neareſt hole or corner. I declare, I'd rather meet an Otaheitan mourner, in all his glory, in the middle of a wild moor, and in a murky and tempestuous night, than one of thefe people. They always make methink I've got into Tartarus, where, the old poets fay, little imps jump down men's throats, live upon their fpleen, and play at bo-peep among their bowels. Are you all at your ftations, myjolly lads ? Charles and his Gang. Ay, ay, Captain. Captain to the Crew. Now, then, my lufties, for a lug at the bowlines, a long pull, and aſtrong pull, and a pull all together, that we may fcrew her up to wind ward. Halloo below there, where's the Gunner ? Gunner. Here, Sir, here. Sir R-d H-II. Captain. 1 376 A DIALOGUE BETWEEN Captain. Here, Sir, here ! you fon of a finner ! what fignifies your bawling Here, Sir, here, without budging a ftep towards me ? I'll have you keel hauled this inftant for a coward, if you don't move a little quicker. Gunner. Here, Sir, here ; I'm fo out of breath I can hardly ſpeak ; I've been coming ready to break myneck fince I got loofe. Captain. Since you got loofe ? What do you mean ? the blockhead's mad. Gunner. Indeed, Captain, I'm found both body and mind; but fome of thofe fellows who had the com mand of the ſhip, tied me hand and foot, and rammed me in among the old junk and cables ; and there I ' believe I fhould have lain bawling till I died of the hooping- cough, if a land- lubber, who mistook me for a fpare hammock, had not cut away my lathing. Captain. Well, my trufty ! I thought I could never have my own head upon my own fhoulders, if you was a coward. But are the guns in good kelter ? here's an enemy bearing down upon us ; and befides, I want you to give thofe dogs yonder a tickle, en paffant. Gunner. I am afraid, Sir, they are not in very good trim ; they have been fo thumped about fince I have been in durance. I have heard them fo often roaring and bouncing, that, for the blood ofme, I believe they have been worked by fome of your cockney Sportsmen, and that they have been firing at the porpoifes. Captain. Well then, to it, my boy ; we'll let the enemy know that we are ftill hearts of oak ; and if our weather- beaten and ftrained veffel muft go to the bottom, why then we'll founder along with her, and ftick like barnacles to the laſt ſplinters of her timbers. Ifthe enemy are difpofed to act upon the fair and the fquare, and to treat us as they ought, we ' ll give them three cheers and a friendly falute ; but if they are dif pofed CAPTAIN BULL AND HIS SHIP'S CREW. 377 pofed to be tefty and tickliſh , we'll pour in a broad fide, and cry Huzza, Godfave the King ! We'll ftick to our guns like hearts of ſteel, and we'll either carry them into port, or go down in a whirlpool, with three cheers, and colours at the main head. But hark ye, first make ready the ftern chafers ; load them well, ram them home, cram in grape- fhot, cannifter, lan gridge, any thing you can lay hold of, and inſtantly let fly at thoſe raggamuffins who fneaked into the veffel aftern, in a dark night, bythe poopladders (which, you know, the landfmen call the back fairs) , and have now as fneakingly lowered themſelves the fame way, and taken to the boat. Ifwe have a mouthful of teeth to bite our enemies, we'll let theſe renegadoes know that, like fcorpions, we carry a fting in our tail to ftrike our pretended friends. Be fure you take a good aim, and level well . If you take a fteady view by my glaſs, you may fee even the fize and colour of the fellows. He who fits as coxfwain *, and handles the tiller, is the leader of the crew ; he ' s a tall, lank, ill favoured chap ; he fits cocking his chin, and fee fawing his right arm, as though he would walk over the fun, moon, and feven ſtars, or, like Xerxes, flog the ocean into obedience. I always hate your lanthern jawed men, on account of their natural properties ; their heads are like the rumps of pullets, always breed ing and pushing forth the eggs of mifchief, and if you open them when they are dead, you will find them brim full of little embryos ; they have fuch lank bo dies, that they are like leeches, always fucking and never fatisfied, continually crying Give, give ! and never full ; and then, which is ftill worfe, they have fuch difproportionately long arms and legs that they are like ivy ; and if they once get hold of power, you may as P-tt. well 378 A DIALOGUE BETWEEN well pretend to diflodge a polypus or a tape- worm. Next to him fits one who has very much the look of a north- countryman * ; when he turns his face towards you, you may fee it fhine like the brazen mirror of Archimedes. I always hated him, for I could never tell whether he fpoke truth or falfehood ; his coun tenance is all of one colour, and fhines fo intolerably, that a modeft perfon cannot bear its corufcations ; it feems by the motions of his head, as if the infidel, idolatrous fon of Mammon was going to play off his old trick of booing, and booing, and booing, and was preparing, like the Perfians of old, to render homage to the rifing fun. By his fide fits one who is fquaring his elbows, and Sparring like a boxer t ; I'll warrant you he's the chap who is related to the god of war, and I dare fay he's at this moment giving the hiſtory of thoufands who have been killed off in battle, and the glory of a vigour very much beyond law . I always hated that fon of thunder, he was fo touchy and trou blefome, always elbowing one, and kicking another. I am afraid too, he loved the fmell of blood, and cared no more about a dead man than about a dead horſe. I uſed to watch his waters, and often overheard him whispering to his gang, Come mylads, let's run down that merchantman ; let ' s overhaul that neutral. Next him fits a trim, ftarched little gentleman , all in print, who ſeems almoft afraid to ftir , left he fhould difcredit his nobility ; he was one of your milk and water ge niufes, who, if touched with a little atticfalt, or warm rennet, inftantly fall into curds and whey. On the other fide fits a gouty, rheumatic old man §, with a big wig, who is thaking his head and wringing his hands moſt dolefully ; he feems as if he had juſt

• D-as.

+ L-d G-lle. + W-ham. § Lord R-lyn. finished CAPTAIN BULL AND HIS SHIP'S CREW. f 379. finished his laft flory, and was going to join the fhades of his anceſtors ; but as he has not, like Fal ftaff, an alacrity at finking, he has got his pockets well filled with fome of our heavy metal, and has taken eſpecial care to be provided with a halfpenny for Charon, when he arrives at the banks of the river Styx. Near him is another, who feems to have too honeft a face to belong to fuch a crew ; we uſed, you´ know, to call him Jack the Commodore * . I really am forry for him, poor fellow ; he is like the Magpie in the fable, and ftands a chance of getting nicked, becauſe he was found in bad company ; however, he must take his chance with the reft, we cannot make fifh ofone andflesh ofanother. As for thofe lawyers, who have facked our money and our biſcuits, it's the nature of their trade ; what's bred in the bone, they fay, will never come out of the flesh, fo we won't trouble our heads much about them ; and as for thofe lads who have just emergedfromSchool t, they are, it is true, very clever and docile ; but they have got fuch an ugly trick of Squinting at the old Pilot'sfeat of honour, that a little dowfing may be of fervice to them; it's almoft a pity too that fuch harmless things fhould fuffer ; but it's not our bufinefs to find ex cufes for them ; fo at ' em, my boys, it's a point-blank Shot. Gunner. Done, Captain, done ! Captain. Glorious ! My jewel of Golconda ! Cy. clops with his moon-eye was not a better markfman, when he killed poor Acis ! There they are all ſplaſh ing, and diving, and paddling, like water- rats ; there's one of them treading water ; I'll warrant you it's the north-countryman ; if any of them come along- fide, knock ' em of the head with a handfpike, or any thing

• L-d Sp-er. + Ca--ng, &c.

you 380 A DIALOGUE BETWEEN ter. youcanfeize holdof; only poor Mag*, ifhe ſhould come, gently heave a rope over to him, and let him creep up and thake his feathers ; fuch a ducking may be a fuf ficient warning to him in future to keep himſelf out of bad company. But there's a lad here whom I had al moft forgot ; be fure you boift him into the hold, and give him only a hard biſcuit and a glafs of bilge- wa I am afraid he is an anointed young dog †, and that the Spirit of hisfather has been fhed abundantly like rancid oil upon his head. I fufpect that he is completely initiated by the old man in the joys of drinking wine out ofthe ſkulls of the wild Americans. I am afraid he is a complete adept in the ſcience of the Indian war-whoop, and that he has been accu rately trained by his father to the ufe of the tomahawk and the fcalping-knife. The old fellow had fo ftrong a fcent, that he would follow a Yankee from Boston to the Lake Champlain ; and his eye was fo keen, that he could trace the footsteps of an enemy even among the dead leaves ofthe foreft. The whole line of this young man's anceſtry has been remarkable for its high blood; and there has not been one in it who has not poffeffed the united properties of a blood- hound, a pointer, a fetting-dog, and aSpaniel. Crew from below. Sir ! Sir ! here's poor Charley puffing and blowing like a mail coach-horfe ; Capa bility Dick is roaring with the back-ache ; Will, Charles, Sam, George, and the reft of the gang, have bliftered their hands, and are fweating like baited bulls ; they've got the helm hard a-port, but the fhip labours and rolls like a dying whale ; they think you've forgot to fhorten fail. 警 Captain. True, my hearties ; I was in fuch a chafe about thofefons ofconfufion, that I had forgot my dear

• L—d Sp—r. † L-d Ha―ry.

boys CAPTAIN BULL AND HIS SHIP'S CREW. 381 boys at the wheel ; but I'll put you to rights in a fnap. -(To the Crew on Deck. ) Come, lads, don't ſtand jawing, blowing your fingers, and clapping your fhoulders; but up as quick as lightning, haul inftud ding-fails, down top-gallants, reeftop-fails, and luff up, Charley, that we may ſpeak to the Frenchman ; fhe fhews a flag of truce. What fhip ? French. Le bon Citoyen Bonaparte ; vive la Re publique * ! Captain. What are you for then, war or peace ? If you are for peace, fay fo ; if for war, our bull-dogs are ready, and we are Britons to the back-bone. French. Wehold out to you the flag of peace ; we refpect the good old fhip Britannia, even in her crazy ftate ; we hope, now that honeft tar Captain Bull has unfhipped his mad- brained pilots, he will be able to bring his veffel into port ; and we wish him a fafe and a profperous voyage. Captain. Good luck to you, my brave lads, and a fafe voyage through Revolution Bay; when we know each other better, I truſt we ſhall be better friends. -(To his Crew.) Bear up and fquare the yards, my hearties ; the haven of peace is before us ; right your helm, and ſteady, Charles, fteady ; let me but get within the pier, and if ever I put to fea again in fuch a trim, may I be wrecked on the firſt rock, or blown out of the water by the moft paltry lug-fail boat I meet with ! Whenwe get into port, we ' ll furbish up our old veffel, and the fhall look as gay and as beautiful as Venus when the roſe from the froth of the fea. Our main timbers, I know, are found, and will last for centuries ; but I fufpect fome of our carlines are here and there touched with the worm ; the fhall be It muſt be kept in mind, that this article was actually written four years ago : though in fome parts of it the author appears to poffefs aportion ofpreſcience. fcraped 382 A dialogue, &c. fcraped and new coppered, and the fhall once more become the admiration of her friends, and the terror of her enemies. Oh ! the very thought makes me as happy as Bacchus ; for I dearly love the old veffel, notwithſtanding all her cracks and ftrains . I would ra ther be a Captain in the Britannia, than an Admiral in the Ville de Paris ; and while I have a ſtump to ſtand upon, or a finger to twift into a nooſe, I'll ſtick to her like my doxy ; and when the can float no longer, the whole world fhall fay, that the brave Cap tain Bull and his good fhip Britannia went to the bot tom together.- (To Charles. ) And now, Charley, my dear boy, I owe you much ; you have failed with me many a voyage ; you have been a truſty and a hardy foremaft-man ; you have at laft fteered me fafe into port, and have worn out many a new jacket in my fervice ; I'll not bedizen you with gold and filver lace, and tawdry riband, but I'll give you a large true- blue cockade, a filver box to hold your tobacco, and a gold time-keeper, that you may be always ready to take your watch when it comes to your turn ; and I'll call you the Man ofthe People. -Take my word for it too, I'll not forget your faithful meffinates ; I'll not make them half feas over with grog and flip, nor cover them with trinkets and jewels, but they fhall walk the quarter- deck like gentlemen ; they fhall mefs with me in the cabin, and the whole crew fhall give them three cheers, and fay, Thefe are the men who faved us from fhipwreck ; and when the timbers of any of you are worn out, and you are either fent into ordinary, or muſt be broken up, I'll wipe the ſpray from my eyes, and fay, There went a true English tar, a brave and trusty heart of oak, a generous friend of liberty, and a magnanimous ci tizen of the world! EPIGRAMS. ( 383 ) 66 EPIGRAMS. SHIPS, Colonies, and Trade !" the tyrant cried : "Neither!"faid Nelfon, feal'd the truth, and died! DOUBLE DISASTER. " SHIPS ! fhips I want, to make you Engliſh rue !” And what the tyrant fays, for once, is true. Now, fcowling o'er the lifts, he'll add, " Mon Dieu ! Curfe on theſe English ! I want failors too!" Boo-oo ! AN ADDRESS TO ENGLAND ON HER NELSON'S DEATH. WRITTEN BY WILLIAM THOMAS FITZGERALD, Esq, -breve et irreparabile tempus Omnibus eft vitæ ; fed famam extendere factis, Hoc virtutis opus WHILE England beams one univerfal blaze, The faithful tribute of a nation's praiſe ! For naval deeds achiev'd of high renown, And honours added to the Britiſh crown ; Is there a Briton's breaſt that does not beat At Nelfon's triumph, and the foe's defeat ? However poor, he fhares the gen'rous flame, And glows exulting at the Hero's name. Immortal Nelfon !-here my throbbing heart, Swelling with forrow, acts no borrow'd part May I not fay, and fay it with a tear, That with his death, the triumph ' s bought too dear? But who can murmur? glorious was his doom ; The heart of ev'ry Briton is his tomb! The nation's fav'rite, and his for'reign's pride, He rul'd defpotic Lord of Ocean's tide ! Each coaft, remember'd for fome deed of fame, Was made illuftrious by great Nelfon's name. Denmark, Iberia, Egypt's trophied fhore, Heard the dread thunder of his cannons' roar While 384 NELSON'S TOmb. While laurels won from ev'ry hoftile fleet, He laid, in triumph, at his Monarch's feet ; And hiftory ever fhall record the day, Bright with his glory ! in Trafalgar's bay. In torrid climes, where nature pants for breath, Or tainted gales bring peftilence and death ; Where hurricanes are born, and whirlwinds fweep The raging billows of th' Atlantic deep, Nelfon had fought, but long had fought in vain, The ftill retreating fleets of France and Spain : When found at laft, he crufh'd them on the flood, And feal'd the awful conqueft with his blood ! Yet as he liv'd, fo did the Hero fall Crouch'd at his feet, he ſaw the humbled Gaul ; Saw hoftile navies into ruins hurl'd, And England's trident rule the wat'ry world ! Then did he, laurel- crown'd, and wrapt in fire, Upborne on Victory's outfpread wings, expire ! Sufpended be the fhouts that rend the fkies England's triumphant ! -but her Nelfon dies. A grateful nation mourns her Hero dead, And ' dews with tears the laurels on his head ; Laurels for ever green ! for ever new ! Bequeath'd, with Nelſon's dying breath, to you. Nov. 7, 1805. NELSON'S TOMB. BY THE SAME. BUT hark !-the cannon's found ! the gen❜ral tear ! Proclaim the Hero of Trafalgar near Behold ! the Victor fhip to port advance, With him who crush'd the naval pow'r of France ; With him, who triumph'd with his lateſt breath, And purchas'd fame immortal by his death ! That fhip, which ftill his conq'ring ſtandard bore, Brings her dead Hero to Britannia's fhore ; High on her maſt the laurel branch is ſeen, But exprefs mingles with the deathleſs green ! Freighted TRIBUTE TO LORD NELSON. 385 Freighted with glory, and a weight of woe, The veffel moves majeſtically flow The feamen bending o'er her lofty fide, Their tears of forrow mingle with the tide : And mark what anxious crowds in filence ſtand, To hail his relics to their native land ! Not with buzzas ! but with dejected eyes, With throbbing hearts, and tributary fighs ! For while they mourn their much-lov'd Nelfon's lot, The pride of conqueft is almoft forgot. No hireling pageant fhall his hearſe attend, For all deplore their Hero and their friend. The flags of empires are the victor's pall, Won from the Dane, the Spaniard, and the Gaul ! And fee! the heir of England joins the train, Which throngs to grace the Hero of the main : Though London pours her countleſs thoufands out, Corrected feelings check the gen'ral fhout ; Thusis a noble people's homage fhown, By filent grief, and by the ftifled groan ; So moves the corpfe upon the trophied bier, Mourn'd by his King! embalın'd with England's tear! To that fam'd church which lifts its tow'ring head The future manfion of the patriot dead ! The Hero's manes there in peace fhall reft, While his lov'd image lives in ev'ry breaſt. ▲ POETICAL TRIBUTE TO THE MEMORY OF LORD NELSON. NELSON, with all the patriot's ardour fir'd, Like our great Wolfe, in victory's arms expir'd. Triumphant Calpe, on the hoftile fhore, Heard the last thunder of his cannon roar ; Firm as our Hero, with a proud diſdain, It claim'd our empire o'er the land and main. Oft had he ſuffer'd for his country's good ; His laurels oft took vigour from his blood ; Where'er our fleets unfurl'd their profp'rous fails, His glory flew with as propitious gales. OL. IX. 15 May 386 NELSON AND COLLINGWOOD . 1 Maythy illuftrious deeds in hift'ry's page With dignity be told to ev'ry age ! May, to prefent thee to admiring eyes, A Dionyfius, or a Livy rife! Shall feeble age endeavour to throw forth Some ftrong ideas to expreſs thy worth ? Though long the Britiſh flag hath rul'd the fea, Its braveft heroes were excell'd by thee ; The fhades of Hawke and of Bofcawen ſhine With fainter glories, when compar'd with thine. This praiſe to a new height exalts thy name, Thus on thefummit plac'd of human fame. PERCIVAL STOCKDALE . Lifbury, Northumberland. NELSON AND COLLINGWOOD. BY THE REV. WEEDEN BUTLER, JUNIOR, M. A. " England expects every man will do his duty. " Nelfon's Laft Telegraph. [From the General Evening Poft. ] BRITONS ! you heard Trafalgar's ftory ; You triumph in your country's glory; Mourn o'er the relics, pale and gory, Of brave, immortal Nelfon ! To earth and war our Hero ' s dead : To Heaven and peace his fpirit fped ; Twine your green laurels round the head Ofbrave, immortal Nelfon. Mourn, one and ail, Great Nelfon's fall ; Oh! daſh not off the gufhing tear : No tears difgrace The manlyface, When freemen tend a freeman's bier. Fame's rugged fleep with daring foot he trod, True to his king, his country, and his God. When NELSON AND COLLINGWOOD. 387 When Paffion's flave, and Fortune's minion, Panting to fpread ufurp'd dominion, To Egypt flew on vulture pinion, Lo! there immortal Nelfon. To check the conqueft ofthe world, Old Nilus hail'd our flag unfurl'd ; 'Wide havoc on the Gaul was hurl'd By brave, immortal Nelſon ! Lord ofthe main, He fail'd again, Where Copenhagen's ramparts lour'd ; Paul's mad intrigues And captious leagues Sunk in the tempeft Nelfon pour'd': In Britain's cauſe he bore th' avenging rod, But gave all glory to " Almighty God." Each change of atmoſphere difdaining, With ſcarce the wreck of health remaining, Never of toil or wound complaining, Serv'd brave, immortal Nelfon. Trafalgar faw the warrior dight Confpicuous for the hotteſt fight ; Foremoft to guard Britannia's right. Sprang brave, immortal Nelfon. With breaft elate He met his fate, And calmly mark'd life's ebbing fand ; Said, with a figh, " He wifh'd to die In dear Britannia's favour'd land !". But death's dark path with Chriſtian faith he trod, And bow'd fubmiffion to the throne of God. Mourn, and rejoice ! Horatio's fpirit Well pleas'd beholds a friend inherit The honours paid to valorous merit ; Hefmiles on gallant Collingwood ; Mourn for your martyrs on the wave ; Mourn for your Nelſon in his grave ; Rejoice, and cheer the living brave, With modeft, gallant Collingwood ; S 2 United 388 ON THE DEATH OF LORD NELSON. United raiſe Loud hymns of praiſe, Yourprayers, your thanks, are due to Heaven; Your lofs deplo ; That tribute o'er, Be grateful for the champions given. By their great Admiral's fide Fame's path they trod True to their king, their country, and their God. IMPROMPTU ON LORD NELSON'S BEING KILLED AT THE BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR, ON THE SAME DAY THAT GENERAL MACK'S DEFEATED ARMY WERE PILING THEIR ARMS AT THE FEET OF BONAPARTE. [From the Morning Chronicle.] TWOgreater ills on one fad day, The world could never fure betide What heart but muft lament to fay, " Napoleon triumph'd"-" Nelfon died !" Woburn. P. LINES ON THE DEATH OF LORD VISCOUNT NELSON. [From the fame. ] WHILEBritain's enfigns on the fubject main Wave o'er the humbled pride of France and Spain While Britain's triumphs ev'ry mufe employ, Whence flows the tear that mingles with our joy ? Too dearly bought, our trophies we deplore The hand that rais'd thofe trophies is no more. O ever mournful, ever glorious day, That fnatch'd our pride, our brighteſt hope away O fatal moment, when his parting breath Hail'd the fresh laurels purchas'd with his death ! Yet had his blifs furpafs'd the bounds of fate, Had Heaven prolong'd it to a later date. yi Lo! where the Corfican Ufurper reigns O'er fervile hordes and fubjugated plains, With DIRGE ON LORD NELSON. 389 With talents eminent though mifapplied, Through wild ambition and defpotic pride ; While Peace and Virtue curfe the fatal hour When civil triumphs led to regal power. But patriotic valour ſcorns to know Repofe or pleaſure in the public woe, And feels that glory, rightly understood, Guides but to one great end-its country's good. By worth like this, in Freedom's earlier days, Victorious Greece and Rome afpir'd to praiſe ; By worth like this immortal Nelſon fhone, And on Britannia's glories rais'd his own. Lamented fhade ! to thee the veteran tar, Thy tried companion ' mid the ftorms of war, Who brav'd each form of death without a fear, Pays the pure tribute of an honeſt tear. The ſteady patriot, unus'd to feel A private forrow in the public weal, The hind, rough tenant of the peaceful vale, Oft as he lingers on the mournful tale, With manly pride reftrains the rifing figh, Till grief as manly gliftens in his eye. Such is the gen'ral grief-and long fhall flow The gen'rous tide of unaffected woe ; Long fhall each parent to his lifping fon Recount the palms thy matchlefs valour won, Dwell with fond rapture on thy honour'd name, And proudly bid him emulate thy fame. How at that name the youthful foul afpires ! How glows the gen'rous breaft with patriot fires ! What heroes, form'd by thy example, rife, Proud to exalt our glories to the ſkies, While gratefu . millions fhall exult to tell How Nelfon conquer'd, and how Nelfon fell. DIRGE ON THE DEATH OF LORD NELSON. [From the fame. ] WHYHY o'er the dark and troubled deep Is heard at times a mournful noife ; While victors ' mid their triumphs weep, The vanquifh'd in their fall rejoice ? 5 3 Why 90 HORATTO'S DEATH. Why burst the fobs of yonder tars, But now triumphant o'er the foe ; Unmindful of their gory fcars, Their tears that now first learn to flow For Nelfon's death their tears are ſhed, And grief alone their thoughts employs E'en Vict'ry's felf reclines her head, And weeping checks her wonted joys. Thy deeds, great Chief, fhall be the theme Afar on Ganges' hallow'd fhores ; While Niagara's lightning ftream Thy dreaded name in thunder roars. Stern Mars, as ' midft the fight he raves, Shall ev'ry dreadful peal prolong ; And Neptune roll his gory waves, To found their fav'rite's fun'ral ſong. And while on high her Warrior's tomb Thy weeping country grateful rears, Thy laurels o'er it e'er ſhall bloom, Still water'd by a nation's tears. HORATIO'S DEATH. [From the fame. ] RECLIN'D on a rock of her fea-beaten ifle, Britannia furvey'd the profound; Saw Freedom, and Virtue, and Induftry fmile ; In tranfport the gaz'd all around While the murmurs, arifing from Ocean's dark waves, Hoarfe founded- " Britannia reigns Queen of the Waves.» To hear once again the brave acts of her fons, Determin'd to fly o'er the ball ; No fhores, whether friendly or hoftile, ſhe fhuns, Their fame had extended o'er all : And oft in her flight, as in ocean fhe laves, The Tritons ftill hail her as Queen ofthe Waves. But THE TEARS OF BRITANNIA. 391 But chief, ' midft ber heroes, wherever the goes, She hears her Horatio's proud name ; Fame's numberlefs voices in concert arofe, Nor fuffic'd his great deeds to proclaim They founded, " The Hero her en'mies ftill braves Britannia alone reigns the Queen of the Waves." Her courfe, overjoy'd at his praifes, fhe fteers, To fee her brave fon o'er the main ; When off Cape Trafalgar, exulting the hears The Hero's victorious again ! And tells the proud defpot to rule o'er his flaves, Nor ſtrive with his queen for the crown of the waves: With grieffoon fhe learn'd that her Hero had died, The tears gufh'd in floods from her eyes ; " His deeds were too bright for a mortal, " he cried, Then bore him aloft to the fkies. The warriors that fell ftill exclaim from their graves,

• Britannia for ever reigns Queen ofthe Waves. "

THE TEARS OF BRITANNIA, [From the fame. ] INN times of anarchy, when fearful change Threatens the kingdoms of this nether globe, In place of Right, fee fell Injuftice range, And vile Ambition fill the purple robe. Imperial Rome obeys the tyrant's word ; Gallia's republic trembles at his nod ; While far o'er Europe waves his flaming fword, The fcourge of fin, a Devil-Demigod! When war and havoc hem the nations round, What fhall guard Britain from the gen'ral foe? Within herſelf her fire defence is found, And lafting bulwarks on her mountains grow. Offspring of Freedom and of Valour's land, Majeftic Oak, victorious tree of Jove! Where'er the ocean flows, thy fons command With eagle ſtandard or the oliv'd dove, . High 392 THE TEARS OF BRITANNIA. High conqueft crowns refiftlefs Sidney's brow, And mourning cyprefs circles Duncan's name ; A vet'ran's honours mantle valiant Howe, And wrap brave Nelfon in the robes of fame. & But fee ! Britannia turns, and droops her head ! Why weeps the fair, when glory gilds her form ? " Why do I weep ?-Behold that Hero dead, Who gave the glory, and who hufh'd the fſtorm ! "Why weeps Britannia ?-Abercrombie fell, When foes fubdu'd, bow'd low the vanquifh'd knee : And Nelfon dies, when fame's full trumpet's fwell F Proclaims the victor monarch of the fea ! " Roll on, proud main, and mourn thy champion flain ; Waft on thy waves afar his rare renown ; Tell, that no wafte of blood thy waters ſtain, To dull the rubies of Britannia's crown ! " Long was the martial Chieftain's brave career, As full of days, as fame, the Hero died ; But fatal hafte impell'd the dreadful year, That tore from life bright Valour's naval pride, " For me they fell, to fhew the wond'ring world What dang'rous deeds a Briton dares to prove, While death, in thunder, on his head is hurl'd, Afoldier's friendſhip or a failor's love ! "Where Egypt's columns pierce the burning fkies, My vet'ran Knight fleeps cold beneath the fand ! But wrapp'd in Britiſh mould my Nelfon lies, The lov'd palladinm of his native land !" PYROCLES. ON ( 393 ) ON THE DEATH OF LORD NELSON. Tune-The Anacreontic Song. [From the Times.] I. VEἘ who gloried in Nelfon, through life fo victorious, The pride ofthe good, and the boaſt ofthe brave, Now mourn, Britons, mourn o'er his exit, fo glorious, And ftrike your fad breafts while you bend o'er his grave: Our grief, mix'd with joy-with each pang exultation, The conflict, how fore, ' twixt the fmile and the tear ! While, ftruggling with rapture and anguifh, the nation Sees the cypreſs and laurel unite o'er his bier ! II. Where tow'ring Trafalgar frowns over the ocean, And ſtern the rude winds and the billows defies, French and Spaniards, at noon, we diſcover'd in motion, And ſparkles of ecftacy flafh'd from all eyes: Ye Gods ! what a moment ! -a fight offuch beauty! What more could a brave Britiſh feaman defire ? And the fignal " This day let each man do his duty," Prim'd each gallant heart-ſet each bofom on fire. III. Aloft, on the deck, ſtood the world's naval wonder, Whilft alarms for his life all around him exprefs'd ; "Midſt ſmoke, fire, and flame, and the loud cannon's thunder, Serene was his afpect, and fearleſs his breaſt. Oh! a curfe on the hand, of our chief which bereft us, And laid on the deck the great Conqueror low! He's gone !-But his matchlefs example he's left us ; And victory and vengeance foon follow'd the blow ! IV. Thy King's touteft Champion, the country's bright glory, Óf no faction a tool-to no party a flave, Firſt of heroes ! -our grief fhall inftruct future ftory Thy deeds to exalt, and to honour thy grave : Our woe, mix'd with joy, -with each pang exultation, The conflict, how fore ' twixt the fmile and the tear, While in anguiſh and rapture entranc'd a whole nation With the cypreſs and laurel itfelf decks thy bier !!! ON ( 394 ) ON THE ARRIVAL OF THE VICTORY IN ENGLAND. [From the fame. ] THOUfhip of gallant port ! long wont to glide O'er the blue deep, and courſe th' impatient tide, How late, with feftive pomp, from England's coaft, Chief-like 't was thine to lead the naval hoft ! Thine the fair helm of Albion's genius bleft, The proud palladium of her Nelion's breaſt. Withjoy were hail'd thy triple fpires afar, Hail'd thy gaunt ramparts frowning for the war ; Andcanopied beneath thy tent-fpread fail, The mountain's fpirit met the ocean's gale. The palm of glory crown'd thy ftately brow, Fame's radiant pennon glitter'd on thy prow ; Whilft, placid as the deep his breath had curl'd, Smil'd Albion's Genius o'er the azure world. O hip of gallant port ! that then didſt ride Majeftic through the main with warrior pride ; Slow mov'd thy mighty form in regal ftate, Slow mov'd, as confcious of thy peerlefs freight : And, long reverb'd, the cannon's folemn roar The full farewell not unrefponded bore, Meet for the parting Chief, and meet for thoſe, Who dare all dangers, who confront all foes ; Yet, haply, never more in this green ifle, To hail, or brother's hand, or fifter's ſmile ! Then thou, triumphant o'er the vaffal wave, Didft proudly bear the braveft ofthe brave. So went'st thou forth-far other thy return : Now, no palladium, but the funeral urn ! Thou wear'ſt the mourner's with the victor's wreath,, At once the fhrine of glory andof death. Yet not ungreeted be thy flatter'd fail, With fable ftreamers waving in the gale : Though ' reft of him, thy joy, thy pride before, The orphan'd trophies reach alone the fore ; Though ON THE ARRIVAL OF THE VICTORY. 395

Though on thy deck no more, with manly tread, The godlike Hero nods the laurell'd head ; Though dull his ear-while from his country flow The ftrains of praiſe that blifs divine beſtow Yet is thy bark with eager eyes explor'd, 'Reft of that form firſt lov'd and fince ador'd : That cheriſh'd form fhall England's earth enfold, Whilft England's tears embalm the hallow'd mould. Yes-fhe for whom his patriot ſpirit glow'd, That land for whom his hero-blood hath flow'd That grateful land he fondly died to fave, England herſelf fhall deck her Nelſon's grave : Yes, gallant fpirit ! e'en though fate forbade Thefe foothing rites, fepulchral, to thy fhade ; Though rofe no marble altar to thy name, No fculptur'd pen enfcroll'd thy deeds offame; Though thy pale corfe, long wandering on the wave, Found not the outcaft's home-a quiet grave : Yet fhould thy nation to thy memory raiſe The pyramid of everlaſting praiſe ; Still fhouldst thou ſteal the veteran's lingering figh, Still draw full tribute from the youthful eye ; Still by the weeping matron's requiem bleft, And long enshrined in the virgin's breaft. Forthee, immortal ſpirit, ever great, Remains an after- life, of boundleſs date : For thee, whate'er revolving cycles riſe, Arecord in thy country's bofom lies : And long as Albion's genius guards the wave, Or proudly claims the bravest ofthe brave ; So long, for thee; fhall glow the patriot flame, And heroes form the temple ofthy fame. -- JUBA. LINES ( 396 ) 1 LINES ON A SUESCRIPTION BEING PROPOSED FOR RAISING A NAVAL COLUMN TO THE MEMORY OF LORD NELSON, AND THE REMAINDER TO GO TO THE WIDOWS AND ORPHANS, &c. WHHILST a Briton furvives, our Nelfon's great name Can ne'er want a column to ' ſtabliſh his fame ; Nor fhall thofe brave fellows who fought by his fide, Be forgot bytheir country-though nameless they died. Lo! the widows and orphans lamenting their dead! Whofe huſbands and fathers with Nelſon have bled ; Till theſe are reliev'd, let your column alone, "Whentheyaſk you forbread, would you give them aftone. ?” END OF THE NINTH VOLUME. S. GOSNELL, Printer, Little Queen Street,

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